#gingerdope

I feel the veins that sit behind my eyes

Grows varicose as gentle light

Starts filtering through fractured blinds

That shade the world from me.

You’d always watch me as I’d wax and wane,

Fluoxetine and slow decay

Dependence on a medicine is Hell without relief

I am bereft of the ineffable affection I feel I am owed

My vacancy and apathy are all that I have left to show

For years I spent in isolation

For chemicals that took the place of

Fleeting moments in which I found reprieve from misery

And it seems the only solace I’m afforded is now

Instead of wanting to kill myself I just sleep

I guess progress really isn’t want I thought it would be.

And as I lay supine and let the phosphenes fade

After another collapse, I’m left to contemplate

If I’m really getting better,

Or if I’m just numb to the feeling of falling apart.

My dichotomy has always been

That I’m scared of burdening those who love me

But knowing I need help before I die afraid and lonely.

But maybe it’s all in my head

The irony I face is that whenever I try to medicate my aches

It kills the only part of me that makes me want to stay.

And as I lay supine and let the phosphenes fade

After another collapse, I’m left to contemplate

If I’m really getting better,