#ginger lark

“Steady steady!” He held onto me a moment longer until I got my balance again. “Follow me, your friend’s already out there.”

Oh, really? I followed him without thinking. My shoulders ached and I reached over to try and massage the stiffness out, not sure if it was from sleeping on an expensive couch, the exorcism, the stress of yesterday, or maybe it was all of it. My stomach growled. How long had I been asleep?

Chatter and noise caught my attention as my escort escorted me out of the train and into a huge, hangar like spaced filled with tributes and stylists and make up and costumes. I stopped, stunned in the doorway. Colours everywhere, bright and glaring against the grey walls the grey floors. Noise and clatter from tools and sewing set ups and teams laughing and cheering over a successful job.

My escort nudged me along. “Most teams are already finishing up. Sorry I didn’t realize you were still sleeping back there but when they told me you weren’t here I knew I had to come find you. Didn’t want you missing out and all.”

He led me out of the train, weaving between groups crowded around unsuspecting tributes, several of them in the stages of arguing, struggling, or otherwise resisting anything their teams tried to do to them. Looking at some of the outfits they were presented with I couldn’t blame them.

The escort presented me to an overdressed team with a wave of his hand. “Here he is! He’s all yours.”

“About time!” The tallest, or maybe just the one with the tallest hat, pulled me forward by my arm. “Come on sit down we have a lot of catching up to do.”

She sat me down on a tall stool and stepped back, face scrunching as she looked me over. The escort vanished off somewhere and one of the styling assistants picked at a strand of my hair. I swallowed and kept still. It wouldn’t do me any good to fight with them about this, and my head still moved slow from sleep.

“You know what, I think we might be able to pull this off.” The head stylist waved to one of her assistants. “Might not even have to chance the colour schemes all that much, maybe just the sleeves.” She turned back to me, grinning. Her canine teeth were all dyed bright pink. “Sounds like our other team had some trouble with your partner so we were worried we’d have to overhaul our side too.”

“What kind of trouble?” I sat up taller, craning to see if I could spot her in the sea of tributes and teams but couldn’t spot her. “Is she okay?”

The stylist shrugged and started gathering her materials. “Well, physically. She’s awfully defiant though. Might be something wrong with her that way.” She clapped her hands together. “Now usually I like to spend more time but with the late start we’re going to have to work pretty fast.”

She and her team jumped straight to work, pouncing on me and their make up and supplies as they had me change from my clothes to theirs. They styled my hair, dyed the front strands a bright fiery orange, trimmed rough edges, rubbed expensive foundation into my face, darkened my eyelids, painted my nails a shimmering black. They dressed me in a tight dark shoulder-less shirt and pants, with some kind of orange and yellow netting running up and down my sleeves, and a thick, shiny leather falconer’s glove with orange stitching on my right hand.

“Sorry, no time for a grand reveal,” The stylist gently shoved me towards the waiting chariots. “Show’s about to start, off you go.”

I stumbled at the push, then wandered stiffly towards the first chariot. The pants were tight on my legs, restricting the movement and making it feel like I was walking with stilts instead of legs. Ares was nowhere to be seen yet as I leaned against the side of the shining chariot. Maybe it wasn’t just the peacekeepers that didn’t like her if she gave trouble to anyone who tried to control her.

Most other tributes were already here and waiting, clustered around their chariots. Most looked out of place. Even without knowing them, almost none of them seemed to be dressed in a way that was anything near natural to them. Except for one. A tall woman with a large-brimmed hat and a long coat stood talking with a man who didn’t look like he had decided yet if he wanted anything to do with her. Right. There was something to making an impression with the others, wasn’t there? I bit at the inside of my cheek. I’d have to decide how I wanted to come off, wouldn’t I? Was there merit to being friendly, or would it be better to come off as a threat?

Ares stormed over, slumping against the chariot beside me hard enough it rocked a moment before stilling. “They figured out I don’t exactly have magic anymore.”

“Already?” I frowned. That was fast. Then again, I hadn’t seen her here while everyone else was getting prepared. Maybe they’d taken her somewhere else, somewhere with a specialist.

“Yeah, they said I had to be a phoenix for the costume, and I refused because I didn’t want to, but they tried to force me to transform, so when that didn’t work, they figured it out.”

I frowned, glancing down at my glove. They wanted to make her out as my bird? They wanted to present her as something that I commanded? I’d heard of situations before where one tribute was presented as the better of the two, the more capable, at the expense of showing the other as weak, as lesser. I swallowed, unease rippling through my gut. Why me? What was going on that I would be slated as the powerful one?

“I…” I frowned deeper, looking her up and down. “I’m not sure they know what birds look like.” They hadn’t even done a good job on her. Was that intentional?

She smiled though. “I wouldn’t stay still for them to actually make me look like a bird.”

“Oh.” I nodded. “That… Makes sense.” I probably should have thought of that first.

A lull fell between us and I eyed the chariot, fidgeting at the cuff of my sleeve sewn tight enough my hand was starting to tingle. Each was tall, with large wheels and not a lot of standing room. “Do you think anyone ever falls off of these?’

Ares shrugged. “I’ll keep you steady. But probably not. Knowing the Capitol, they make some way to keep tributes from doing that.”

“That’s good.” My shoulders fell, relaxed just a little. Maybe I had managed to make one ally at least, if she was so quickly willing to offer me help. “I don’t have particularly good balance.”

“I learned good balance, so I’ll keep you steady.” She smiled. “Showing camaraderie would confuse the Capitol anyway.”

Camaraderie? She must have considered me someone to trust, someone she would side with then. Even if it was only to spite the Capitol having her on my side eased some of the nerves coiling through my body.

I smiled. “It sure would, having the bird direct the,” I raised my hand, air quoting, “falconer.”

The less I had to play into their manufactured imbalance, the better.

“They wanted me in a cage, but I think this works better, don’t you?”

I nodded, laughing a little despite the pounding of my heart as the doors opened at the end of the hall. “I don’t think I could have held a cage up that long anyway.”

“Good I wouldn’t have let you.” She clapped my back hard enough I stumbled, surprised, as she jumped up onto the chariot and offered me a hand up.

I took it gladly, gripping the railings with my gloved hand to haul myself up. “Thanks.” The chariot swayed as I climbed. “Can’t wait until this is over.”

Ares wrapped an arm around my shoulder to steady me as the chariot started to move and rattle. “Me too.”

I gripped the railing with both hands as it lurched into the light, bright and blinding. My stomach knotted and my legs trembled. There were people, crowds of them, standing around us and cheering and shouting and looking. Look at us. At me. At home, were they watching too? Watching me cling to the railings? What were we supposed to do?

“What do you think, wave or no waving?” I glanced at Ares. She seemed to know better how to make an impression.

“Fuck them. I’m not giving them shit.”

“Good call.” I didn’t want to let go of the railings anyway.

The sun burned hot on my back, the air dusty and drying through my nose. The crowd roared, all one sound, loud and inescapable surrounding us. Horses and riders set loose from their chariots raced haphazard around the circle like heralds. I frowned. That woman with the hat again. She raced her stolen horse alongside another tribute with bright green hair. If they were bold enough for this, what would they do in the arena? I didn’t want to find out.

They sped past and I followed them with my eyes until I fixed on someone, familiar in the crowd. Cirrus. He stood front and center in the stands, blending in just a little too well with a sheer white button up and shimmering blue-grey vest. I couldn’t help but smile. He’d even fucked up his hair to fit in, intricately braided with strings of pearls weaved throughout. He met my eyes with a quick nod before the woman next to him laid her hand on his arm and leaned in for his attention.

“Can I ask you a favour?” I turned to Ares, voice soft. “If a bird taps on any of the windows where they keep us, can you open it?”

She nodded eagerly. “If I can turn into a phoenix again by then, can I talk to it first before it goes to see you?”

I shrugged. “You can try. He might be a bit of an ass though.” I almost wished I could be there in the air with them to hear what Cirrus would say. And what Ares would say back.

“I’m a bit of an ass too.”

“Then you should be fine.” I smiled, tension easing from my shoulders as the chariots stopped.

I leaned against the front of the railing, resting my elbows on the brass and finding Cirrus in the crowd again, distracted by the pretty Capitol woman beside him. He said something and she giggled, blushing and leaning up against him and I rolled my eyes when he looked back my way.

Maybe he wouldn’t be up to see me quite so soon, but he was here. Ember must have told him and he must have flown straight over. Even if he couldn’t help me get out of this he was here.

I hadn’t noticed when the speeches ended until the chariots moved once more, taking us back into the hanger.

--

They ushered us quickly from chariot to the tower we would be kept in for the next week. The escort chattered on and on about our performance, surprisingly pleased with our show of solidarity together. When we reached our floor he gave us each a pat on the back, then nudged me towards the living area.

“You’ve got someone waiting for you.”

I frowned. No way Cirrus was here already. I knew him better than to think he would come straight here while that girl was practically pawing at him.

My shoes clicked on the tile floor as I rounded the corner to the living room and found Ginger sitting on one of the couches. She stood as soon as she saw me, blond hair tied back and pink velvet hoodie cast aside on the table. She was here. She was here too.

“What are you doing here?”

She rounded the coffee table, pulling on her white leather gloves before gently gripping my bare shoulders. “I couldn’t let you come here alone. Whoever they assigned to mentor you wouldn’t know enough to help you.”

I melted, leaning into her shoulder careful to avoid the exposed skin on her neck. She didn’t have to do this. Not for me, not for anyone. She didn’t have to get involved. How many things had she needed to postpone, to rearrange, to follow me here?

She continued, quieter. “I don’t know if I can save you, but after all you’ve been through, and all you’ve overcome, I’m not about to let you face this on your own.”

She’d done more than enough already for me. She didn’t need to do this too. I swallowed, tears slipping down my face and soaking into the fabric of her shirt. She could have, maybe should have, given up on me time and time before. She’d sacrificed days, weeks, months working with me, patient as she guided me back to myself.

“You’ll be up first,” the stylist motioned for me to follow as he turned and started to walk. “You first, and then your friend. So that means you’ll be the very first interview this year, isn’t that exciting?” He glanced at me, seeming genuinely happy about that. “You get to set the tone for the evening in away, lucky you.” He paused by the stairs leading to the stage, muffled amplified voices announcing something I couldn’t make out clearly. “I have a feeling you’re going to put on quite a show out there.”

Was I? Nerves already coiled around my throat and I hadn’t even left the wings. I probably should have thought about this before, should have talked with Ares about some kind of strategy but I hadn’t had the presence of mind to get there.

I swallowed, forcing a short laugh to try and shake off some of the nerves. “I don’t know, don’t get your hopes up.”

The stylist only grinned, eyes gleaming in a way that sent ice straight through my stomach. Gleaming like he knew something I didn’t.

But I didn’t have time to question before I heard my name called and he nudged me towards the stage and into the bright lights.

I flinched, squinting a moment before shaking myself out with a long breath. These interviews weren’t very long. This would be over soon. I smiled, unsteady and forced as the crowd gathered yelled and screamed as if they knew who I was. As if I was someone worth cheering for. I swallowed. Had I done anything worth cheering over? I’d made a mid-range score for drawing power and making the lights flicker in the testing room but surely that wasn’t enough for them to root for me?

Maybe the host had hyped them up. Maybe drinks here were free too.

In the front row, Ginger caught my eye and I smiled genuine. She returned it with a small nod, sitting back in her seat.

“Hello hello!” The host, Cesar, welcomed me in with a handshake and clap on the back before pointing me to one of the armchairs set up in the center of the stage. “So I hear you work at the local college back in district one, anything you’d like to say to your students? I’m sure they’re all excited for you.”

I swallowed, heart falling a little. They wouldn’t be excited. Cautiously optimistic at best but excited? It would hurt if I ever found out they were but I doubted any would be glad I was here.

“I,” I glanced between him and one of the cameras, not sure where to look, not sure exactly what to say. “I just hope they’re doing well.”

Hopefully Nova’s arm healed and wasn’t anything that turned serious while I was gone. That the girl who always sat in the same spot but hardly ever spoke except in private found someone else to turn to. That it wouldn’t be too taxing for the boy with his fear of the dark to have to disclose it to whoever it was who replaced me. That someone else would be willing to walk him between the college doors to where the streetlights started if he had to stay late. That all the others adjusted well, that they didn’t worry too much about me, that they didn’t try to push themselves too hard if they were upset about me being here.

I swallowed again, dry, harder this time. “I hope I get to come back soon, too.” I tried to smile and maybe it looked less forced then it felt.

“How lovely!” Cesar smiled, too easy. “And what about family? Anyone special at home waiting for you?”

I opened my mouth but paused. “Not anymore.” I couldn’t let them know about Striker, Kyra, the rest of them if I was going along with what Triel planned. “I was an only child, and it’s been a few years now since my mother passed, and almost a decade since my father.” My voice wavered at only child but the rest was easier. The rest wasn’t a lie.

Maybe they already knew, and maybe they knew I was a liar, but I had to try.

“Well how unfortunate.” His smile slipped, about as much sympathy as he could manage. “No doubt they would be very proud of you.”

He stood with his smile returning and I stood with him, silently relieved. It was almost over now, did it always go so quickly?

“Now, before you go, we have something special for you and your districtmate.”

I froze, blood chilling at his words. “What, what do you mean?”

His grin mirrored my stylist’s as he waved to the wings. “Well, I’ll let my special guests show you! Come on out!”

Peacekeepers dragged Ares out from the shadows, kicking and struggling. “I won’t ever do this again! You hear me?!”

The scientist, Elari, the one who’d forced me before Primary, stepped out on stage. He held a vial of something shining, glowing, power and magic radiating through the thin glass. “Oh, you will, my dear. The people will demand it.”

I lunged for the vial but a peacekeeper grabbed me by my arm, holding me back as I glared, heart racing loud in my chest. How dare he do this. How dare he try this again? Subject both of them to this once again when nothing would come of it.

The crowd cheered, spurred on by Ceasar’s animation but I hardly heard them over the beating, beating of my heart in my ears and my eyes locked on Ares.

She shook her head, defeated and Elari had the nerve to laugh.

“There’s no use resisting.” He grabbed her head, forcing her mouth to part just enough to pour the liquid inside, seeping in slowly but it was enough. It was enough for them to reenter.

Ares screamed and my stomach twisted, magic engulfing her, flaring out, a familiar heat that pin pricked across my skin even across the stage. Fire engulfed her as she struggled, screaming and I could only watch.

“I told you to wait!” I hissed. “You won’t get what you want from her.” I told them I would be back. I told them, I told them they didn’t have to.

Ares coughed and coughed, smoke and eerie darkness swirling around her. Blood dripped from her nose and she curled in and slowly the flames and shadows faded and her form shifted to a weak, squawking phoenix laying spasming in the center of the stage.

I wrenched my arm from the peacekeeper and dropped down beside her. Primary’s power came in surges, hot enough to sting my skin. My chest tightened and my heart raced and told me to run, to retreat where this power wouldn’t reach but I leaned in, swallowing, and keeping my voice as steady as I could. As steady as I’d trained to do.

“Ares, breathe Ares. You kept your soul once and you can do it again.” She would win, she could win, she just had to believe she could just as if it were a demon trying to steal her body. “Primary is desperate. They will tell you whatever they think will break you. They are wrong, Ares, whatever it is they are telling you.”

Twitching and shuddering she shed the phoenix body for human, laying splayed and gasping on the ground. “They can’t… Destroy my soul. Not unless I agree.” She winced. “And I won’t.”

I nodded, calming my voice and hiding the way my head drifted, wavered this close to Primary’s best efforts. “Good, that’s good. They can try but you are stronger, and more determined than they are, Ares.”

“They want to kill you. Everyone I’m friends with.” She sobbed, breath hitching and fresh tears steaming down her face. “I can’t see anything else.”

“I am not dead. Your friends are not dead.” I reached for her hand, hesitating just a moment as my palm burned. Gently holding her hand felt gripping a fresh coal but I held, held and let as much as I could seep in through my skin and burn its way up my veins. “You can hear me, you can hear that I am alive. Primary cannot kill, not me, not anyone, in their state.”

It didn’t have to be true. She just had to believe it.

“I,” her voice came faint, weak, “can’t banish the images though.”

My chest tightened as her fear, her horror and sorrow and grief joined Primary’s rage and fire. My heart skipped in my chest, knocking against my ribs as my blood burned and my throat tightened and tears slid from my eyes hot down my cheeks and onto the polished floor below. Blood tasted in my mouth, filled my nose, a phantom sensation of whatever it was that Primary was showing her. Whatever hell it was.

But still, even still, I had to keep my voice calm. Had to breathe, had to let it pass. It hurt, and I wanted to scream and gasp but I forced my voice calm. This would pass. This would pass.

“I know they’re distressing and they’re cruel but they aren’t real.” I swallowed and took a measured breath, and another in quiet rhythm as I slid my hand up her arm, spreading my fingers around her forearm. “You might feel cold and sick in a moment. Tell me what you’re seeing.”

I leaned in, gripping harder, the points of small black claws piercing the skin. I grit my teeth, jaw muscles aching as I held on draining more and more fire licking through my arms, the muscle and simmering deep in the marrow of my bones and spinning my vision, greying the edges, pulling at my head and shifting the ground beneath me. My eyes burned, face wet with tears and sweat as I breathed. In and out and in and out as my heart beat and beat and beat and beat irregular in my chest.

“The visions are blurry.”

Primary was faltering as I breathed in and out and in and out deep and measured deep and measured and the pain would pass. The pain, the burning, the ache in my chest it would pass.

“Is it getting better?” My voice shook this time, unable to hide.

“A little,” she grimaced. “I don’t think I’ll be any help in the arena.”

My hand prickled numb and my arm burned but their strength was fading. Fading and fading as it flowed instead into me, deep inside, smoking my organs, glowing and baking my tissues and tendons before dying, vanishing within me. Vanishing, gone, fading.

Ares blinked, looking up at me with wide eyes. “Please stop if it’s hurting you!”

Wrenched face, hair clinging to my scalp wet with sweat and eyes red from crying I shook my head. “Don’t worry about me.” I swallowed, breathing in and out and in and out and this would pass. They were weakening. It was working. This would pass. “They are not strong enough to keep this up forever.”

Already the fire had lowered just enough to notice. Already they must have decided it wasn’t worth it, that I wouldn’t be swayed, that I wouldn’t give up and let them ravage her alone. That it wasn’t worth—

A peacekeeper’s boot slammed into my ribs.

I yelled, falling and sliding across the stage, vision blurred and ears ringing as I lay on the cold floor. Cool, cool against the heat leaking from my skin, the last that didn’t find it’s death inside of me. My side ached and my head spun, dizzy as I tried to lift it. My body, I could hardly feel the muscles on my arms, my legs as I tried and failed to push myself up off the stage.

Ares screamed. She screamed and screamed and anger burned along with the last of Primary’s power dying in my heart. She screamed and my vision cleared. They, peackeepers with their heavy boots kicked her, kicked her while she was down as the crowd cheered. Kicked her and beat her as she screamed and I grit my teeth. I pulled the shadows in towards me, lights flickering above my head as I glared, pushing myself up off the ground.

Ginger shook her head. I met her stare. She shook her head, eyes wide and warning.

I growled, black horns and thrashing tails forming out of the light dying and leaving shadow. Claws curled out from my hands and I scrambled up, rushing for one of the peacekeepers, the nearest to me, swiping across his chest and snagging his soul out from his body.

It struggled in my grip, cold as ice and panic as I held him captive between my fingers, as he collapsed comatose to the ground. “Let her up.” I snarled, baring sharpened teeth at the rest of them frozen now that their comrade had fallen.

The peacekeepers retreated, fear, panic, uncertainty all filling the air between them.

Ares raised her head, weak. “Thank you.”

Elari, the scientist, the damned, the unright scientist, scoffed. “Either way, she’ll become the vessel. We can wait.”

I turned my glare to him, jaws aching to dig into his skin, to tear flesh from bone but not yet, not as I held the soul of my captive, not as Ares was on the line. “You’re lucky you were out of reach. You should be ashamed of what you’ve done. To both of them.” To Primary, to Ares, trapping them both again and bringing despair to one and false hope to another. How dare he put them through this, put them both through this again.

The peacekeepers soul tugged against my grip and I held tighter, ice replacing the fire in my blood and freezing the muscle up my arms. “No one moves until she is gone from this stage or he,” I kicked the still body by my feet. “Will neither live nor die but suffer in between.”

She stood, dragging herself to her feet on unsteady legs and hurried off the stage.

Elari the damned, the damned scientist glared my way. “I’ll make sure your death is extra painful.”

I snarled, hands twitching, and then a smile, a grin, spread across my face. He thought he had any power here. Thought he had anything to stand against me.

“You should have held your tongue.”

I stuffed the peacekeeper’s soul and crushed it between my teeth, cold as ice and swallowed cold all the way down my throat until it vanished, gone from this world and never coming back and never moving on.

His body lay still and breathing, eyes open and staring through the visor of his helmet. Empty, vacant, never to wake again.

Silence fell heavy over the crowd save a lone grieving cry that rang out long and sharp through the still air.

The lights flickered once, twice more.

The peacekeeper lay at my feet.

My throat closed coated in ice.

He would never wake.

Silence pressing hard from every angle I pushed past the cursed, damned, wretched scientist and left the stage. No one stopped me, stumbling down the stairs as my heart pounded in my ears to drown out the silence of the reset before the next tribute.

He would never wake up.

My throat.

My stomach twisted and my eyes stretched wide. I shouldn’t have done that. I should not have…

Ares. She sat slumped against the wall. Was she okay? I should ask her, I should.

I should not have done that. My hands shook and my legs trembled and I paced back and forth. I needed to talk to Ares but I shouldn’t have. I shouldn’t have. I took him. I took him from this world and for what? I shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have.

I opened my mouth but there was nothing I could say. Nothing that would come out from my throat coated in ice even still. Fear still lingered deep inside me, fear and pain from his last moments yet to fade. There was nothing, nothing I could or should say. I should not have.

I turned and nearly ran down the hallway. Away, far away, just in case. Just in case something happened and what if I did something else that I shouldn’t? That I should never have done that wasn’t right.

I stumbled, my legs wobbling and caught myself against a wall. My shoulders heaved with fast breath and my stomach turned. I was sick, I was going to be sick. I should be. I should be after what I’d done.

His eyes staring blank behind the visor.

That rabbit, years and years ago, still and lifeless but breathing and empty in the rain and grass.

There was nothing worse I could have done. Nothing. Hands shaking I dug claws into the drywall, carving deep canyons into the material powdering under my fingers. Knocked my horns into the paint letting the force echo jarring through my skull. My breathing didn’t get better, ragged and fast as I stared and stared, stared straight at the plain, torn up wall inches from my face.

“Asher,” Ares voice, shaky and thin, “are you okay? Is that… My fault?”

Fault. Fault. It was my fault, I knew better. I knew better and yet I still destroyed him, took everything he was and wiped him from this world. I dug my claws back into the wall, clenching and gorging the canyons wider.

“Leave me alone!” I hunched my shoulders, pressing my horns harder into the wall.

A soft thud, whispered voices, and then Ginger. “I will do no such thing Asher.” I turned my head, watching as she stepped closer. “You knew better than to do that.”

I did. I knew better. I knew better and I shouldn’t have but they… It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair what they were doing and I…

Ares cried, collapsing on the ground as a sobbing pile. “I’m sorry. It’s all my fault.” She hunched, curled over with her face buried in her hands and I missed the next words she spoke.

Whatever she said it made Ginger turn on a dime, “don’t!” She forced her head up by her hair. “Don’t you dare Ares Machina. This is not your fault. Do not give in over this.”

Her back turned I could see the outline of the hilt of her sword tucked away in the inside pocket of her jacket.

She, she kept it just in case. She knew, did she know? Did she know there was no hope for me? A chance I, I would—

I wailed, stepping back from the wall, staggering and leaning my head all the way back. “Why not?” I cried, shrieking and shaking. “What, what’s the point?” Did it matter how hard I tried? How far I’d come if I could still do this? Still do what I shouldn’t what should never, “What—”

“No, Asher Sang you stop right there.” I froze under Ginger’s shout, captivated by my name. I stood, back arched but watching as she came closer and pulled on her gloves. “You know better than to think that way.”

I did. I did know better. She knew, I knew, it was dangerous. Dangerous for me to give up. Dangerous for me to lose hope, to forget why I’d tried so hard in the first place.

She stood before me and set her hands gently on my shoulders. “Try to calm down, Asher.” She spoke softly, so soft I could hardly hear her over my own breath. “You made a grave mistake today, a mistake made under unfair duress, but an unforgivable offense all the same. I would be lying if I said I was not disappointed in you.” She sighed, gently bringing me closer and I leaned against her shoulder as she ran a hand down my back. “But I am also so very relieved to see you handled yourself afterwards.”

I closed my eyes, tears smearing from my face and into her jacket. I should have thought of how she would see it. Of how she would have feared what happened next. Would have feared she might need to draw her sword on me again, this time for good. Feared she would have had to kill another student. Would have had to prepare herself to take my life for a second time, and this time Cirrus wouldn’t be there to take me away just in time.

Slowly my heart evened, the shadowy forms faded, and the ice and energy changed to heavy fatigue that pulled at my body, trying to drag me down in through the floor and the earth.

Nothing changed that everyone at home, they would have seen what I’d done. Striker, Kyra, Dylan and Argent and everyone who knew me. They would know, they would know what happened but not what became of me until tomorrow morning.

“We shouldn’t linger too long.” Ginger whispered, gently nudging me to stand on my own. “You will need to rest as long as you can before tomorrow.” She held me steady while I found my balance and looked back over her shoulder. “I’m sorry for being rough with you Ares, are you alright?”

She nodded, her shape blurred and watery as I stepped away from Ginger and let the wall take my weight as Ginger went to crouch in front of Ares, speaking gently and offering her a hand. I couldn’t hear what they said, or maybe I could if I’d tried but my head wobbled and dizziness seemed to lace any movement I made. If I got out of this alive, I would have to find a way to send something to that peacekeeper’s family. It wouldn’t make it better, wouldn’t fix anything, but it would be something.

But… All the same something bitter simmered deep in my chest, sharp on my tongue. Elari shouldn’t have gone and toyed with such a power on a whim, shouldn’t have brought his so-called trials public if he couldn’t handle a public consequence. An uncontrolled variable. Shouldn’t have forced my hand by bringing a militia in to the mix, by beating Ares while she was down as if he’d wanted something horrible to happen.

I clenched my jaw and glared down at the carpet below. He should never have gambled with the lives of those peacekeepers, with the lives of the hundreds watching. I shouldn’t have done that but neither should he. What would have happened if I didn’t? Would Primary have won? Would every living thing be destroyed? Was the sacrifice of one worth saving the rest? Was Cirrus right? Was he right that maybe it wasn’t always wrong for me to let the worst part of me be uncovered in times like this?

Ares shuffled towards me, taking my hand. “thank you so much, Asher.”

I swallowed. Should, should she be thanking me? Would she if she understood what I had done? “I shouldn’t have done that.” I could have done something else. I could have leaned on the power I held without sacrificing a life.

Ginger picked her up a moment before her trembling legs looked like they would give out. “We should go before they send someone for us.”

Fresh tears streaked down Ares’ face. “You protected me. Thank you.”

I, I shouldn’t be thanked for this. Wiping my face with my sleeve I followed Ginger as she led the way out. “He didn’t deserve that.”

“What happened? Didn’t you kill him?”

If only I had just killed him. “He’s done. Not dead. Gone.” I should explain but my head slowed with thick fog. “His soul, it’s gone.” My shoulders fell. “I swallowed it.”

Ginger took over. “Part or all of what Asher consumes ceases to exist. With souls everything is gone.”

I stayed quiet as Ginger explained, grateful that she’d decided to step in instead of making me do it. Making me speak more through a throat painful and sore and thoughts drifting aimless and difficult.

“Light, energy, emotions, they are drawn to him, enter him, and vanish. You may have noticed it already and not known what was happening.”

Ares spoke quieter, weaker, so I could barely hear her. “And I didn’t help any. I’m sorry.”

“Asher can uphold his own boundaries,” Ginger cast a glance my way, a slight scolding edge to her voice. “And should have more firmly.” She looked away. “But that is not your fault.”

Fault… Who’s was it? Mine probably. I’d been the one to destroy a life but then, Elari, he was at fault for this whole situation. He was at fault for harming Ares, for calling his dogs to pile on her and for involving me.

Gingered sighed, her tone softening. “I’m sorry you both had to go through this tonight.”

She led us both into the elevator past a disinterested peacekeeper who likely hadn’t heard yet what happened to his co-worker. I stood by her shoulder as she held Ares still. Staring into the mirrored walls I could hardly meet my own eyes.

“I’m just glad Asher found someone he could trust in the arena.” Ginger glanced at me. “Look after each other.”

Ares nodded. “I will. I can now.”

“I’ll see what I can dig into what can be done about your Primary while you’re gone too.”

I swallowed as the doors opened and I stepped out, letting Ginger leave with Ares, probably to her bedroom. For a moment I stood aimless in the hall but what else could I do besides rest? Ginger had said it herself that I should, and I wandered in a daze towards my bedroom, collapsing on the bed in the dark.

The bed dipped beside me and I rolled over, squinting as Ginger set a glass of water on the table for me. She sat on the corner watching me with an expression unreadable in the dark.

“Asher,” she spoke quiet, but sharp. “I know you know the gravity of what you’ve done today so I won’t admonish you further. Ares does not understand what you’ve done and I do not agree with her praising you for it but you likely know that as well and can’t blame her for it.” She pauses, looking out the window at the lights twinkling across the celebratory city. “She trusts you. Don’t break that trust. Look after her and I feel she will do the same for you.”

I nodded along as she spoke, lacking the strength and thought to speak. She sighed and stood, rounding the bed to stand in front of the window, watching the city closer. It was strange, seeing her so quiet. So serious for so long and it sent unease running up and down my spine.

Her back to me she whispered in the quiet. “I don’t want to lose you Asher, and I find myself struggling with to what lengths I’m comfortable seeing you go to here and in the coming weeks.” She turned, backlit by the dozens of spotlights and tower lights behind her. “I suspect it may be selfish for me to want you to survive at the cost of horrors that should not be entertained but I may just have to accept that given the circumstances I cannot hold it all against you.”

I swallowed, pushing myself to sit up a little as I watched her. “I, I don’t know.” At what point, if any, was I resolved of the responsibility to do the right thing, to resist the tendency to tear away at the sanity and life of innocent others? If I did so in order to come back, would it make it right if I had done so to free Primary from eons of torture? Did the end make it right?

She left the window, resting a hand on the doorframe a moment. “I can’t tell you what to do out there, and I trust you will use your best judgement when you can. I can’t say I have always made the right choices either, and haven’t torn families apart in my past in a moment where it felt I had no other choice.” She sighed. “Whatever happens, I will try not to be too hard on you.”

She started to close the door but stopped, as if remembering something. “And if you do not return, I will attempt to find a solution to Primary myself in your honour. It’s the least I can do.”

“Thanks, Ginger.” I choked out the words.

There was so much more I could have said, could have told her. Could have told her I would not be here without her, that I owed her everything I was today. That I don’t know what would have become of me if she had not agreed to take me as her student years ago, that I don’t know what would have happened if she’d given up on me when everything was going wrong, that I didn’t know how I would have gotten through this week if she had not come here.