#gilhizoncirca2000

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

By all means, move at a glacial pace.  You know how that thrills me.

=====

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Um... the masquerade is SO OVER.

=====

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

An empowered ho can distinguish between the needs of the body and the needs of the mind.

=====

CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Your perfume of choice this weekend is Caution - by the Crosswalk Lady.

=====

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

If these hoes think they can trip you off your game, they must be trippin', boo!

=====

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Can't a gaysian work a Sailor Moon outfit without looking like Nicki Minaj?

=====

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Maybes just drive you up the gay wall.

=====

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

You're feeling very Tori Amos-y this weekend.  It's like hitting rock bottom slowly.  And with a guide.

=====

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Your core is like teflon.  No shyt will styck to its foundation.

=====

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

The world is not enough to appease your pompous self.  Learning this will help you lower your expectations.

=====

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Congratulations!  You are this weekend's Ms. Overshare.

=====

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

You can't victimize the willing.

=====

(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a sh*t show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Code name: Shapeshifter.

=====

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Based on the size of that Easter basket, you are very happy for spring.

=====

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

I. S.  = Interrogational Shade.  This ain't Ho and Order.

=====

CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

As a gay there will always be a part of you that will come from a place of hurt.  It's all part of the equation that makes us fierce.

=====

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Say Ambular - Was that you going through my laundry?

=====

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

The model paired with the winning designer will also appear in Marie Claire and receive $25,000 from L'Oreal Paris.

=====

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Behind every pageant queen is a snarky little diva.

=====

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Although your system works just fine, it's still a good idea to look at possible back-ups.

=====

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

You'd rather watch the other hoes fight over the thing you want by tearing each other to shreds before you casually walk over and take what's yours.

=====

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

This just in.  You were the only one listening.

=====

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Gays come and go.  You shrug and move on.  

=====

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Rip off the Sesame Street bandaids and examine the wounds for what they really are.

=====

(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a sh*t show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

The brake pads for your mouth need to be replaced.

=====

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

The truth is much easier to handle than this fruit loop.

=====

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

Hos and money don't mix.  Unless they're actual hos.

=====

CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Your internal dilemma: same-trick-new-moves vs. new-trick-same-moves.

=====

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

This one shall be filed under F.S. - Financial Shade.

=====

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

With so many events happening today, you may not have time to change.  Wear your best professional couture... with just the right hint of slut for after hours.

=====

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Before you freak out, put on some facial moisturizer.  It'll make it harder for those wrinkles to set in.

=====

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

This new mission requires a lot of lying.  Hire a VIRGO so she can keep a tally.

=====

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Congratulations!  You're still the reigning queen of "I'll get back to you".  First runner-up: GEMINI.

=====

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Only SCORPIOS can make friends off of Adam4Adam.

=====

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

You don't have to show us your internal drama.  Just make sure you're doing something 'bout it.

=====

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

All your shade.  Are belong to us.  You have no chance to survive make your time.

=====

(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a sh*t show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Yes it's true.  Drama-free is complainy-free.  But frankly you love to complain.

=====

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

You are coming from a land of "I-don't-care".  It's time to move.

=====

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

You're not a dumbass.  You're just so pretty you don't use the brain muscles much.

=====

CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

The lights are too bright on the runway to realize who came to see you model.  Be ready for a nice surprise at the end of the show.

=====

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Your weekend is like the opening sequence of the allegedly revamped Smash.

=====

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

How much are you willing to sacrifice in order to save this troubled ho?

=====

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Getting to the brink of greatness can also mean attracting parasitic folk.

=====

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

All you know is that this diva is standing in your way and she needs to be voted off the island.  Now step back and devise a plan of attack.

=====

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

The best part about getting away is knowing you have a proven something to come back to.

=====

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

It's a give and take world... and right now you need to focus on the latter.

=====

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Gurl you're gonna be such a mess this weekend.  The kind of mess we like to witness.

=====

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

So much easier to throw in the towel.  Much funner to towel whip those asses in the locker room.

=====

(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a sh*t show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Congrats!  It's the anniversary of "Wah".

=====

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

You're grown.  Figure it out!

=====

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

The only time you like to be tied down is in bed, gurr.

=====

CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

You be tagging everybody and their mommas.

=====

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

This recent development is as upsetting as a public bathroom WITHOUT MIRRORS.

=====

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

You've only begun to crack the code on how to organize an event with gay attendees.

=====

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

I love the way you come home and go straight to making a cocktail.  Um, you're not even gonna say hello?

=====

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

This year, you wanna be a coxswain.  There's something thrilling about yelling at big burly men.

=====

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

It's very hard to talk to you in the locker room with your d*ck hanging out.  It's called a towel.

=====

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Speaking of nuts... time to buy new 2xists.

=====

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Every Pocahontas needs a trusty little raccoon as her sidekick.  Not me.  I think raccoons are conniving little hoes.

=====

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Get ready.  Your package is about to be downloaded.

=====

(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a sh*t show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

It's official.  You'll cut a b*tch today if necessary.

=====

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Gays will keep clawing you down as you climb to the top.  Good thing you have a fierce grip and an ass that distracts.

=====

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

From homewrecker to homemaker.  You've come a long way.

=====

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

It's never easy being the new fish in Deadliest Snatch University.

=====

CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Thanks to the flu, the gym is all yours today.  But still, watch what you touch.

=====

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Don't be afraid to tell your man that your drawbridge is closed for the day.

=====

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

As gay people, we get to choose our family. #rupaulsdragrace

=====

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

If you don't have that manuscript for the twins, don't even think about coming back.  And you bettah make two copies.

=====

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

WARNING: Your dream catcher has been poisoned.

=====

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

You usually get off on friction.  Today you are more content with the possibility of a future chemistry.

=====

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

You can't lead us if you have leftover bullshyt with a tranny you owe money to.

=====

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

The sneakiest shade is the polite shade.

=====

(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a sh*t show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

How did last weekend turn into such an after school special?

=====

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Set the T to 400 degrees.  That will smoke out the bad gays.

=====

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

You got it good if you're looking for something to complain about.  But if you're that desperate, grab the closest ARIES for tips.

=====

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

Let the gay who has never gone through a slutty phase cast the first handful of lube samples.

=====

CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Sit on your what?  This is a public place.

=====

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

For this next music video, you're gonna need a stronger fan for all that hair.

=====

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

The best part about your recent camping trip is getting rid of wood from a past relationship.

=====

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

This impromptu dinner party you're throwing has woken up the Stepford Wife within.

=====

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

I truly enjoy your fun-loving tales of bondage and wrestling.

=====

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

What you and frozen yogurt have... now that is true love.

=====

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Grabbing someone's balls can be a form of hello... if you're in prison, that is.

=====

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

You will need the help of the four goddesses (Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve and Talent) to further your cause.  Call upon them with great care, as they do not like to be disturbed with piddly li'l gay bullshyt.

=====

(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a sh*t show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Based on your dance moves, it looks like lightning struck more than once.

=====

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

With that massive baggage behind you, all you can see is "bright lights, date city!"  ::crickets::

=====

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

With this recent fallout, your only choice is to bury yourself in another trick.  Or a chocolate sundae.

=====

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

It looks like someone has been working on her S-Walk!

=====

CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

GMF - Group Message Fail

=====

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Your client is happy!  But, can you see yourself in this garment?

=====

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

There must be some Toros in the atmosphere.

=====

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Pow-pow-pow-pow-pow!  Welcome back, top.

=====

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Just pop it!

=====

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

You're idea of foreplay is philosophizing.  Just make sure you come... to a resolution, even if it's agreeing to disagree.

=====

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

That sound is the sound of you putting your foot down.  You are heard, mama!

=====

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

You just had a genuine reaction to something.  Are you okay?  Do you need to lie down?

=====

(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a sh*t show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!