Your fingers threaten to do so, even now, but you recall Orion telling you thereās certain things you can only do when youāre young. That things lose their innocence as you get older.
You hear Alek, but you are not doing a very good job at listening. His face is awfully close to yours, in a way that could mean something when youāre older. The way Orion warned you. The way your novels sometimes end.
I'm not sure if you take requests for snippets, but if so could we please get a flashback of Orion having these talks with MC/warning them? It sounds like it would be both cute and funny with how sheltered the MC is! I understand if it's not possible though, so please don't feel pressured :)
So sorry to answer this so late- holidays are always so busy! Snippet down below- may not be exactly how it will be in the story but itāll be something like this. Set around when MC is 15 and Orion is 14 with a crushing Orion because I canāt help myself. TW for slight alluding to sexual harassment/abuse. Please read at your own discretion and health. MDNI
You wake with a start.
It was not a very good day- filled with glares, comments, and shoves disguised poorly as accidents. It appeared such things couldnāt help but bleed into the night as well- into your very dreams. With such things invading your room, you fear there may never be an escape from the torment. No haven from this hate.
As quickly as you think there is no where to go, you remind yourself that of course there is. You could go to the kitchens in your wing that houses Orion. Grumpy with you as he may oft be, he was still a much happier option than being alone. He would never lay a hand on you and it has seemed like ages since heās uttered a truly hateful word to you- whether that be because he found you more agreeable these days or because he was sick of Alek in his ear, you may never know.
You fling blankets off of you, rush to the window, and fling the curtains in a similar fashion. Outside the window, the sky was pitch black and the only light to cover the world is a rather full and bright moon.
Wellā¦ even better, you think to yourself. Likely Orion still sleeps and itās been an awful long time since youāve had a sleepover with anyone. The poison of the day, try as it might to get you in the night, could not get you when such a wonderfully genius idea manifests itself.
You arrange the curtains back to sorts and spin away from the window, the skirt of your nightgown expanding momentarily around you as you do, and set your sights on the door to exit your room and begin to roam through the empty halls.
The halls are silent, save the thumping of your bare feet, and you are grateful for this. People would only ruin the beautiful mood youāve put yourself in with your brilliant idea and you simply can not, will not, stand for it. Itās a shame Alek isnāt home for you to share your idea, you hadnāt had a sleepover with him in so long either. Alek and Orionās lives seem too busy for such things any more while youā¦ well, you just seemed to float from one day to the next. Unchanging.
Time has robbed you of sleepovers, days where you would play all day, and days where it seemed all you had was each other. Now Alek leaves home more than he stays, puts his life in danger, and has become quite set on becoming the commander of the army one day. When you are most lonely and sad, he assures you in letters that someday youāll understand. That if he could do it all from home he would. That it hurts him to leave you so. You wish you could tell him how hollowing it can be to one day feel like you were the center of someoneās world and the next realize you arenāt. But you are being unreasonable, Orion has told you many a time, and a country does not simply protect itself.
Orion, while in no great danger, similarly is too busy to entertain you. He minds you less and less occupying a corner in his kitchens but he is lost in the flurry of the work and he has no time to listen to what kind of bug you saw and what patterns it held, the way you got stuck trying to find a good hiding place for a game that you, Alek, and Orion no longer play, or how the sparks from the fireplace cracked so loud and reached so far you scrambled away so quickly with a fit of giggles lest it set you ablaze. How heartbreaking it was to make sounds at people but they never truly hear. Orion has his dreams of being the best chef in the castle, no, the country, he tells you, and he must work his hardest each day to achieve that. No noble wouldnāt know his name.
But look at you, making your own eyes water when you have set yourself on no one ruining your mood or idea. It seems you cannot let your guard down even against your own thoughts.
You enter Orionās domain, the kitchens his room is attached to, and itās as youāve always known it. Orion runs a tight ship and the only imperfect, messy piece is the corner dedicated just for you that he allows no one to touch. Projects you start but never finish decorate it and you have to pry yourself from the idea of just setting up camp right then and there for the day. Sleepover, you remind yourself.
Opening the door, you smile at how very Orion this room is- as it ought to be seeing it is his. The moon shines itās light through his window giving you the ability to see how tidy and very grownup the room is, not even a spare sock to be seen. Very different from your own room that you couldnāt care less if everything looked prim and proper. Dark blue, his favorite color since before you met him, is found everywhere here and adds to his air of sophistication.
The only childish thing that spoils the room can be found on his desk, in bright colors that betray the somber room. Your heart awkwardly beats at the sightā¦ they were pictures youāve drawn just for him, poems you wrote and stories from when you figured yourself an accomplished author, lyrics you wrote that you thought rather charming. Something unnameable warmed in you as you stared at it- it was not lost on you that in Orionās busy, tidy, controlled, and uniform life he somehow found a corner just for you and no one else to have in his two most lived in places.
Unsure if he would have wanted you to see that he still kept the things youāve given him over the years, you turn to his bed where he sure enough is sleeping, unaware of your entering.
The brown hair heās been growing out is splattered across his pillow and messy as he sleeps on his side, facing the window, and he cuddles a pillow tightly to himself. His scars from his occupation shine like silver in the moonlight on his arms around the pillow. While mostly covered in a blanket, you can see his bare back, also scarred, and wonder why he is allowed to wear less clothes as time marches on but you must wear more. Thankfully, Orion does not wear nothing and you can see the waistband of sleep pants.
You come across your first hurdle hereā¦ normally, you would not have any problems with simply waking him up but he seems so peaceful here, so deeply asleep with his small snores here and there, that you fear you would feel guilty getting in the way of that. You cannot lay yourself quietly at his back due to how he sleeps and his bed is not as large as yours to find a place for yourself. Maybe at one time you could but Orion has grown too tall, unfortunately.
Troubling, indeed.
Wellā¦ Orion, you, and the pillow obviously canāt fit so you become resolved to remove the offending pillow. Crawling onto his bed, you pull at the pillow until it is set free, launch it somewhere in the room, and wiggle yourself in itās place and you are immediately warm and comfortable.
Orion, in his sleep, seems perfectly unaware that the pillow has vanished and his strong arms wrap around you quite tightly. Thereās something about the hold that makes you feel feverish and makes it hard to breatheā¦ but you feel safe, nonetheless. Bad dreams canāt afflict you here.
Getting a good look at his face, your eyes are drawn to the crease his eyebrows create. Even in sleep, Orion finds a way to somehow have a scowl about him. Inching your hands to it, you canāt help but press at it and attempt to massage it away. You used to be skeptical when Alekās mother would say that if you had your face a certain way it would get stuck like thatā¦ but now you think she may have been telling the truth.
Orion grumbles at your attentions, stretches his legs, tightening his arms about you more somehow, and opens his eyes a smidge and looks at you. You have been caught, which really should not come as a shock to you. Really, you canāt just touch someoneās face as you are and think they wouldnāt feel it.
Staring at you bleary-eyed, Orion plucks your hand away from his brow and places it on his chest, near his heart you dare say, before closing his eyes and placing his arms back around you just soā¦ rubbing soothingly at knots that are not there.
You have no opportunity to make anything of it before his eyes shoot back open, wide, and he gasps- untangling himself and falling to the floor with a thud that causes you to wince.
He takes the blankets with him, pulls them up to cover his chest, and says, āWhat in Godās name are you doing in my room?ā
His tone makes you feel as though, perhaps, your idea was not as brilliant as you thought.
āIā¦ I was having bad dreams from the day and I thought-ā you begin.
Orion cuts you off. āIām quite certain you werenāt thinking anything. My God, did anyone see you enter here?ā
He gets up then and fetches a shirt to put on while you feel like you should get up and flee. Lock yourself up in your room. Hide away from your friendās ire.
āI was not seen, I was not heardā¦ Iām sorry, Orion, I justā¦ I had a bad day that became a bad night and wanted to be with someone. Have a sleepover like we used to. Remember?ā
You want to add that you donāt understand his anger, it never mattered before. Why would something as small as a sleepover matter now?
Still facing away from you, you hear Orion take a very slow, very large intake of air and expel it equally as slow. You recognize it, it happens often enough. Itās the kind of breath Orion breathes when he is trying to find his patience with you. You place your hands in your lap, fiddling with your thumbs, and look down at them feeling quite chastised.
You hear him walk back to the bed and you glance at him through your lashes, more so peeking at him. Orionās stare goes from your exposed shoulder where your nightgown has shifted to your exposed legs- the kerfuffle had set your nightgown out of sorts without you realizing. Carefully, avoiding touching your skin, he fixes your sleeve and then grabs the hem of your nightgown to pull it back over your legs. As an extra layer, he throws the blanket about you to cover you up. You didnāt think you were so chastised that you were shakingā¦ you figure he must have thought if you were shivering that you were cold with how he was covering you.
Orion kneels on the ground in front of the bed and seems to have a hard time looking you in the eye. āI need you to understand weāre not little anymore.ā
Well, that was silly. Obviously you knew that. He and Alek have become like trees in the last year or so.
āI know,ā you respond, confused why he would say that.
He takes another calming breath. āNo, you donāt. I need you to understand weāre not children anymore.ā
That bothers you. āYes we are. Alekās mother still calls us children. She wouldnāt do that if we were grown up.ā
He looks you in the eye now and you can tell youāre still not hearing him the way he wants you to.
āWe are not children, MC, and weāre not grownups either. Weāre awkwardly in the middle but I need you to understand that it still means something. You cannotā¦ sneak into a manās room, especially one seen as a servant, in the middle of the night in just a nightgown.ā
āWhat else should I wear for a sleepover? This is what Iāve always worn.ā
Orion runs his hands through his hair. He looks a mixture of embarrassed and frustrated and youāre not sure why.
āWe canāt have sleepovers anymore, MC, and when I say that I mean that you and I canāt. You and Alek canāt. Those days are over and gone. It means something different now.ā
You feel your lip quiver at the mention of your days of fun, of being around them whenever you so choose, being over. Gone.
You feel that wall you thought of earlier begin to add more bricks between you and Orion. Maybe even Alek too. This knowledge that theyāre so privy to while you stay infantile to them. You are older than Orion and yet that canāt be. They move on, they run, while you seem to never be able to move on beyond a crawl.
āDonāt do that,ā Orion says, sounding a little taken aback by your apparent heartbreak and hurt.
āYouāre just being cruel, the way Alek says you like to be in some misguided way.ā You say, sniffles finding their way into the sentence.
You can almost see him cursing Alek.
āMaybe I am being cruel but Iām doing what no one else will do and telling you the way of the world. I would give anything for this to be someone elseās job but I canāt let you be ignorant any longer. Itās dangerous now to let you continue on this way. Everyone can treat you like a baby who says a word wrong but never corrects them because they find it cute but I wonāt do that to you.ā Orion says with great feeling.
Deep down, you know he is not intentionally being cruel the way he was when you first met. It was unfair to accuse him of it. Orion is pulling weight in your life that he shouldnāt have to.
He sees you are listening now.
āPeople like you are sold to the highest bidder when theyāre young and I donāt think youāll be safe from it for forever. And even if you areā¦ thereās people out there, evil people, who will take advantage of you not knowingā¦ things. You need to know how it is. Between people.ā
āThings lose their innocence as we get older,ā Orion continues. āThatās why you canāt have sleepovers anymore or be seen with us in just a nightgown. I know, Alek knows, that you sneaking into our beds means nothingā¦ but anyone else? Anyone who would catch you doing that would think you did mean something. That you did something. That youāre- that we- anyways, you just canāt do that, okay?ā
No, it wasnāt okay and you didnāt understand.
āOkay,ā you say quietly, sadly.
Orion sighs heavily, his frustration moving from you to himself. āI- I donāt think I can explain the ins and the outs to you of what I want you to know. I thought I could but itāsā¦ awkward and embarrassing, all right? Justā¦ know that you canāt go sleeping with- next- know that you canāt have sleepovers anymore with me or Alek. And you tell us if someone tries to get you to, okay? You donāt agree, you donāt say anything, you just run as fast as you can to me or Alekās family.ā
He moves to tip your chin to make sure youāre looking at him, that youāre still listening. All you can do is nod your head. You understand he needs you to know this is important, and you do, but you donāt understand at all. You still feel rather unfairly chastised when you donāt know what youāve done wrongā¦ just that you have done wrong.
Orion drops his hand like it burns and looks embarrassed still, a rarity that you canāt even enjoy because you feel so down and ashamed.
āIāll see if I can get a book or something so you can learn. Or maybe writing it would be easier on me and then you can burn it. I donāt know. Iāll figure it out. For now, you need to go back to your room before everyone wakes up. Go back to sleep. No more coming here at night.ā
You come out the the blanket cocoon and head to the door, wordlessly doing as he asks. Orion seems restless at your silence.
Before you can leave, Orion grabs the crook of your elbow and pulls you back to face him.
āI didnāt want to- I didnāt mean to- why donāt I make your favorite for breakfast? And- and weāll play that game I hate. The one where we have to draw something and the other guesses. The one youāre so good at. Iāll even make your favorite dessert for when you win.ā
Itās awkward, him being so kind. You appreciate him trying.
You give him your best smile but even you know it doesnāt reach your eyes. āOkay.ā
But you donāt leave your room that day. Today you hide away in your room, door firmly locked, and stay with your books and drawings that you wear as armor against growing up. At things changing. At your friends going upwards and onwards. At all the unknowns and things youāre ignorant to.
You will face the world on another day.
On this day, you cry.
