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Kenneth : Uh, Susan ? Gilbert is in the pool and I don't think they're waterproof.
Susan : What?
Delbert: I think they meant, Gilbert is drowning.
Susan : WHAT?!
*Meanwhile*
Gilbert: *is drowning*
Stewart : OH MY GOD, GILBERT! KEEP SWIMMING!
Gilbert: I can't swim, dumbass— *sinks*
Stewart : GILBERT!
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Gilbert Ryles if he was a tiny, holographic man:
East: *pointing at the broken coffee machine* So. Who broke it? I’m not mad, I just wanna know.
Cal: …I did. I broke it.
East: No. No you didn’t. Lazarus?
Lazarus: Don’t look at me. Look at Stewart.
Stewart: What?! I didn’t do it!
Lazarus: Huh, that’s weird. How’d you even know it was broken?
Stewart: Because it’s sitting right in front of us, and it’s broken.
Lazarus: Suspicious.
Stewart: No, it’s not!
Lewis: If it matters, probably not, but Hadley was the last one to use it.
Hadley: Liar! I don’t even drink that crap!
Lewis: Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?
Hadley: I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that, Lewis!
Cal: Okay, let’s not fight. I broke it. Let me pay for it, East.
East: No! Who broke it?
Stewart: East…Gilbert’s been awfully quiet.
Gilbert: REALLY?!
*Everyone starts arguing*
East: I broke it. It burned my hand, so I punched it. I predict 10 minutes from now they’ll be at each other’s throats with ear pain on their faces and a pig head on a stick. Good. Was getting rather chummy around here.
Delbert: It’s time to turn this into a real business. Gilbert: What do you mean? Like, carry a briefcase, and wear a tie, and pay taxes? Stewart: Wait, have you not been paying your taxes? Isabela: I handle our accounting.
Stewart: Look guys, I need help. Isabela: Love help? Delbert: Financial help? Hadley: Emotional help? Gilbert: Help moving a body? *Everybody looks at Gilbert* Gilbert: What?
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Gilbert: The scariest president had to be Rushmore because he had four heads.
Delbert: Yeah, it’s a good thing we captured him in that mountain, even if we have to live in fear of the spell wearing off.
Stewart : Do you two still believe in that legend? Come on, Rushmore was killed a hundred years ago! We’re safe now.
Cal: You people have clearly never taken a history lesson. His body was never found.
Isabelle: What happens if I press the gas and the brake at the same time?
Cal: The car takes a screenshot.
Gilbert: Please pull over. I’m driving now.
If there are any Scarab Archives fans out there who like reading fanfiction: I’ve written 7.
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