#gifcap

Yup, she and Maron in their half-fucking state were discovered by Loree, setting off a chain if events wherein Olenna ate pie, the groom threw a shit fit over not marrying a virgin, Loree had to pull rank on her husband-to-be which includes but is not limited to an order not to give him any more alcohol across all of Dorne, Maron fucked a sex worker because he was so upset about his commitment to Dany not being taken seriously, and Ormond got pocket-vetoed by his friend with benefits.

That takes us to the night before the wedding, where Dany is crammed into a bed with with six other ladies.

Shockingly, she wakes up a bit before morning. Even more shockingly, Loree is already up and staring out the window.

It’s the FREAKING TITULAR WEDDING, GUYS!

Dany wants to go talk to Loree, but freezes for a second. You see, she had spent a whole day mad at her cousin, and in 15-year-old language, that’s basically a decade.

However, cooler heads have prevailed. You know, heads belonging to Joleta and Maron of all people. And they both think as long as Dany holds her ground, Loree will give in.

So Dany decides to confront Loree, where she’ll be ~firm~ and not emotional. Loree will clearly give in.

She subtly lets Loree know she’s there

Loree tells her she should still be asleep, which is pretty rich considering she’s all:

Apparently it was quality time for herself. Dany realizes it’s a hint for her to leave, but she’s just so thrilled to have caught her alone that she’s sure this is a good time to press the Maron issue.

She tells Loree she gets why she said what she did, and Loree is pretty impressed.

Dany’s a bit miffed by that reaction, but tells her cousin eventually she’ll see how serious she and Maron are about each other, and that this wasn’t just a young flight of fancy.

But Loree’s all

Dany takes this with much aplomb.

She insists that they’re in love and she wants his babies. Loree tells her that’s not how this goes.  

So Dany’s like

And Loree’s basically, “yeah. We’re in the same boat.”

Dany really has no come back to this, so she points out how shitty Eliott’s been, and how Loree shouldn’t be fine marrying this dude.

But Loree won’t raise her hand, because duty. Instead she’s points out he has some positives...somewhere...

Dany’s like, “you’re just not into him because of HENRICK.”

Also that she was happy. Loree isn’t sold.

She calls it a mistake, and when Dany presses the matter more, Loree says that indulging her feelings was the mistake, since she knew it was a weakness from the start.

Dany tells her it would have been brave to stay with Henrick, just like Prince Duncan was.

Sadly, there’s a great counter example in the shape of Prince Daeron that’s been hanging around this whole time.

Dany maintains that they will sing songs about Jenny for years, but Loree’s just like, “yeah those aren’t the songs I want sung about me, and I hope you feel the same.” Dany’s brain is just kinda

But there’s no real comeback. So she just says Loree hates herself and is trying to bully Dany into agreeing to feel better. Which mildly breaks her cousin.

Trystana fortunately comes bursting into the room, yelling about how they didn’t sleep, and there’s tons to do, and they both need to get ready.

Dany is pushed into the fastest bath ever along with the other ladies, and barely dressed before it’s time for breakfast.

Of course Loree’s already there with her hair perfectly done, since she gets a bit of priority.

But Dany’s just fuming because she can tell Loree is faking all her wedding-day happiness.

She tries to make best of this inane chatter, though Lysanne Manwoody talks about how excited she is to see the Reachmen react to Loree’s not 100% chaste dress. All the women then talk about how nice their packages look.

Trystana kind of fakes outrage at this, and points out that she “felt the solemnity” of her wedding.

Loree immediately stops smiling, while her mom is just like, “Yeah, that’s our gregarious Loree.”

However Dany sees this as a great opportunity to push her point more, and is like, “Yeah it’s so serious and holy and should be 100% what someone wants or else they’re lying to the GODS.”

Loree just responds with, “Oh I agree and I’ve never been more serious in my life.”

She goes off to get ready with that, as does everyone else.

And of course, Loree is totally understated when all is said and done.

Though she has a moment where it looks like she’s about to cry, so Lenelle orders everyone else out.

Joleta’s just like, “yeah obviously she’s panicking..” So everyone has to sit outside the door and pretend this isn’t a very transparent thing that’s happening.

However, finally Loree calls out that she’s ready.

Elda and Genna spread the train out, and all six women need to help lift the stupid thing, like they spent hours practicing.

Though somehow Trystana still feels the need to remind Dany not to let it touch the ground.

Of course stairs are the worst bit of it all

They all pause in front of the Tower of the Sun, because of course the stupid thing needs minute adjustments, but Loree puts a stop to it after a point.

So they head through for even more stairs leading to the courtyard, where a crazy amount of people are there to catch a glimpse.

It’s very quiet, which oddly reminds Dany of her Grandma Dany’s funeral. It’s almost like giant spectacles have similar levels of stress and no actual enjoyment for those involved...

The smallfolk are into it though, chucking flowers at Loree as they all make their way down the path towards Nymeria’s Sept.

When they get there, there was so much incense that Dany can barely make out the altars.

Other great ladies are there to pray with Loree, including Olenna and Friend Besto

Eliott’s mom Serra is there, a reader favorite after her wonderful “how to make marital rape pleasant” speech!

She tells Loree she looks “As lovely as the Maid Herself.”

It’s time for everyone to pray, so Dany of course decides to pray for the most important thing she can think of:

And apparently they pray for like..an hour? Even Rhona seems restless, of all people.

After a certain point...maybe another hour...Loree even seems to be nodding off (or passing out from the overwhelming incense).

So Lenelle calls over a septon, who proclaims a blessing, mercifully putting a stop to it all. They all get up, with everyone’s legs having lost circulation.

What a romantic affair!

They head out of the sept to the courtyard again, though most smallfolk left to line the streets. However here comes the real hurtle: get Loree and her giant dress into the litter. So Elda and Genna just scrunch it up and throw it in.

Everyone else has to cram in as well.

Trystana tries to get Loree to eat, but she just gives it all to Dany.

Aaand they move, and are soon on the streets where, you guessed it: even more people are waiting to call Loree’s name and greet her. So she pulls back the curtain so everyone can see how happy she is.

You see, Dany and Maron were half-fucking and Loree found out, Lewy kind of let it slip to Eliott that Loree had a really serious ex and Loree confirmed it during her meltdown at Maron, Eliott stormed off to a brothel to make very ironic complaints and nearly get in a fist fight with Rolyn who low-key still loves Loree, and Joleta is still determined to be mad at everyone for everything because her girlfriend has a job.

(sorry Julia)

Get it? Good.

Anyway, Ormond, being  the biggest cinnamon roll around, spent his night taking care of a super drunk Rolyn who dealt with his feelings just *fine*.

Ormond tries to be like, “Eliott might be okay?”

But Rolyn thinks he doesn’t appreciate Loree enough, which is the cardinal sin.

He talks about how easy it is to love Loree, but Ormond just has to bite his tongue cause he finds her a little...

Rolyn’s pining gets interrupted when Owain Roawn and Lyman Osgrey pop in, and there’s absolutely no tensions between the Dorne and Reach bros at all...

Though Lewyn shows up and he’s so likeable that helps.

Maron stumbles in, clearly having been fucking a sex worker all night.

And everyone’s all “hahah Loree is going to make our lives suck today.”

They all gather around for breakfast (notably sans-Eliott), and then the ladies get there.

Rhona smiles at Ormond and he gets all

Meanwhile Loree makes a big show of being all proper and like, “Brother, you look very well-rested.” So casual, Loree. So casual.

She tells everyone she ate hours ago, because she probably doesn’t even sleep and just makes whirring noise for a few hours each night, and then asks where her super awesome fiance is. Owain tries to tell her not to go upstairs

But...it’s a Martell, dude. Pwn’d.

Once she leaves the Reach bros are like “omg what was THAT with her looking all pissed at you trying to stop her?”

Though the Dornish are just like, “you’re morons” and Maron giggles. However, that sets Joleta off, who points out how it’s a little much that he’s been fucking sex workers all night when the day before he was telling Loree he was supes in love and should marry Dany.

They fire back and forth for a little and Ormond tries to meet Rhona’s eyes again, but she’s doing some evasive maneuvers.

Then Elda Toland pulls a Kylie upon spotting an instrument in the room and goes to grab it

(no really. I’m insufferable with this)

As she’s tuning it, Rhona finally looks over, and Ormond is like

Then, because he has no chill and his game is kind of weak, he ~~subtly~~ lets her know that he didn’t fuck a sex worker. You know, just so she knows.

“It was very dull sitting here in this room all night.”

Rhona seems less wooed by the romance of that declaration, but she’s definitely into the sex, so she leaves the room to make that happen. I guess for more subtly, Ormond waits as Elda sings an aggressively Dornishly song to a totally unspecified tune.

But Rhona slides the door back open and is all

They don’t even make it up the stairs before they’re like

Ormond gets all sappy though and breaks away to tell her that he missed her. She’s just like, “Ya bro let’s get to a bed.”

They do that whole frantic pulling clothes off thing, but Ormond is shit at undressing her, so she takes care of that. Except again, she’s clearly trying to be enticing and he’s just like

And he whips himself up into such a romantic frenzy that the only thing he can think about as they’re fucking is how the only thing he fears about this whole “I’m no longer a hostage” situation is the possibility of losing her.

So he decides to pop the question. Or *a* question. Like a “go steady” kind of question.

She sort of downplays it, but when he keeps insisting, she tells him “there’ll be other women.”

He keeps saying how he only wants her, and she’s finally snaps like, “Dude, you’re asking me to give up everything to be a paramour.”

But that’s not what Ormond meant at all, so he’s like

But Rhona “Steve Holt!’s” her way out of it by pointing out that no one would agree to this low of a match. However, Ormond thinks otherwise, because he can guilt him for that whole “I was a hostage you barely know at this point” thing.

Rhona keeps trying to insist that it’s just not gonna happen dude, so Ormond is finally all

She admits to liking him somewhat, but when Ormond asks if he can ask his dad about it, Joleta comes barging in!

Ormond tries to cover up his wang, but Joleta says, and I QUOTE (because this is amazing) “Oh please Ormond, I saw everything you have when you swam in the Watergardens, and it holds just as much interest for me now as it did then.”

Apparently Loree is leaving, so Rhona needs to hop-to. Once Joleta leaves, Rhona is all ready to do the same, but Ormond keeps trying to figure out if she wants to marry him. What a noodge.

She finally leaves it like, “Just wait til after the wedding” and frankly with all the histrionics in Sunspear it’s a little hard to blame her for that approach.

Ormond gets dressed once she goes, and goes out in the hall, only to stumble into the happy groom himself. And they’re both just like:

Because no one is happy!

NOW IT’S OVER!

It’s a lot better quality (please don’t start shipping this either or Julia will kill me). And also Deria is like “yeah you’re super alone all the time so that makes me sad.”

To which Alysanne tells her that her husband prefers her to be...”

Fucking Tybutt.

She asks Deria if she’s every lonely, and she’s just like

But then she realizes how PB’d Alysanne is, and stops smirking about her sex life. Instead, it’s time for Princess Trystana’s Sewing Club of Efficiency (and sister tensions)!

Deria tries to prep Alysanne for the shit show she’s about to witness, who’s like “yeah I’ve heard some weird stories about Daenella...”

“Yeah, well, try being her fucking companion.”

^Actual footage

They get there and it’s basically every lady who isn’t on the trip (daughterino Tyia included), and Trystana immediately puts them to work, since she’s freaking out about Daenella popping in with a baby half-out her uterus, and no real provisions.

Deria gets to chill next to Loree’s mom, but Alysanne might be kind of terrified of Trystana since she’s been dirty politely and socially acceptably dancing with her husband and also because it’s Trystana, so she sits down next to Larra of Lys, who’s a bit new at the sewing thing.

Trystana is nice to Alysanne for showing up, but basically starts hounding her sister for not sewing herself, to which Dae is just:

But ya know, there’s kind of a huge fucking wedding going on? They might be tied up. Dae probably knows but just doesn’t care, since she’s busy complaining about how she’s being treated like a prisoner.

Except...they’re literally...just trying to keep the super pregnant lady comfortable? And safe??

She also tells Trystana that her baby’s going to be fine going naked since “she’s” going to be easy going or something, which gets everyone debating about gender predictions.

^Julia LOVES these.

Oh also Dae is gonna name her daughter “Trystana.” Adult Trystana gets annoyed.

Except Dae might have been a lil’ earnest with that one since her kids (one of them being ‘Manny’ ^^) were kind of raised by her sister at her terrifying water gardens daycare center.

Ami decides to pipe in and be a little shit about the whole “I can predict genders” thing because she is The Worst

But Dae can Martell Face too, don’t worry.

(it being her pregnancy)

Lenelle tries to steer the conversation to something more neutral—the Field Trip of Doom—but for some reason Emlyn and Dae think that’s a good jumping off point to joke about the lady’s daughter’s sex life.

Trystana scolds her, Dae talks about how hawt Eliott is, and Alysanne gets Uncomfortable™ and ties to chat with Larra.

They actually have a really nice conversation that doesn’t make me ship them at all.

YOU MADE THEM BOTH BLUSH, JULIA

Though a lot of Alysanne’s blushing is due to the face that she remembers that Larra was a sex worker (slave actually, but not sure how much she realizes) with a bastard son, and PB has her like

We also learn that Larra was a Dany I-stan, who lbh, was probably extremely terrifying.

^this is totally at the Water Gardens

Larra says Trystana is “just like her,” and it’s a little hard to tell if that makes Alysanne more in awe of her, more afraid of her, or more guilty for thinking Duran is a hunky hunk.

Who am I kidding, it’s the guilt.

Trystana suddenly has “had enough” of you know, making her niece clothing or something, and says she needs an alone walk.

“Unless...” [turns to Alysanne]

Alysanne thinks Trystana is taking her somewhere to chew her out or murder her, though for some reason when she looks over at Deria, her friend is just like:

Trystana: “Let’s walk and talk.”

Alysanne: “Cool. I’m really enjoying this walk and talk.”

Trystana: “Right? Not only is walking visually stimulating, but also a great way to convey information.”

Alysanne: “You know I’d watch a whole movie that was mostly walking and talking.”

Trystana: “Definitely.”

Alysanne: “Maybe a little bit of action at the beginning and the end, but the middle should mostly be talking.”

Trystana: “Don’t forget about walking!”

It’s quite a bit more titillating than this. Basically Trystana is being perfectly nice, while also not at all walking in one determined direction, while Alysanne thinks her kindness is going to turn into slut shaming that she apparently deserves.

Alysanne navigates it well when Trystana goes from bitching about Dae to bitching about Dany, though apparently her “eldest” are practically perfect in every way.

(meanwhile...)

Well, she’s not really wrong about Dany being willful either, I guess.

Also Alysanne totally doesn’t know Lady Linette is a thing because no one talks about the eldest Gargalen girl. Not that Trystana realizes, because she’s off in princess projection land.

“I can see what you’re thinking, my lady,” she said. “It was small of me to chide my sister for something I know to be one of my own weaknesses.”

Yeah Trystana, if there’s one thing Alysanne would do, it’s openly judge you

Though she *did* think of it. Cause she’s a smarty. Just not enough to realize that Trystana is ACTUALLY BEING NICE when she compliments her parenting. And also when she snarkily points out that Tybutt is a butt.

I want everyone to tell her this every day.

But hey WONDER OF WONDERS look who just happens to be walking up the path...it’s DURAN.

Apparently he wasn’t expecting Alyssane either

Except it’s a little awkward, because Trystana is all

And Duran’s just

Oh wait, Trystana forgot about the thing...over there, you know the one with the whole...it has the...parts...

So she just kind of fucks off, leaving Duran and Alyanne together

Duran is a little embarrassed, and is all:

But Alysanne actually manages to be:

She is confused by the tinglies in her pee-hole, okay? But this makes for a pretty cute first date.

They first try out some small talk, but neither of them give a shit about the Lannisters, so it turns to their kids. Alysanne is like “you let your 15 year old daughter go on a co-ed overnight field trip with the Kool Kids?” but Duran literally is incapable of saying no to Dany.

Though hey. Someone finally remembers Linette! And Alysanne thinks it’s weird that Duran is a grandpa.

Though awkward, he mentions how Linette takes after her mother. Which means more slut shame spiraling for Alysanne.

No, not THAT PB.

When Duran asks about Alysanne, however, things are a little more tragic. Because her life is Terrible.

First, she’s like, “my daughter is friends with a complete asshole and sometimes I wonder if it’s for cynical reasons”

Then, “actually my real issue is that Ami made this great match and seeing them together just reminds me that my daughter has no prospects”

Oh, Alysanne starts to get a lil’ emotionally, so Duran takes her to a private bench, for charged hand-holding.

HEY JULIA. THERE’S A PERFECT GIF FOR THIS BUT FIRST YOU NEED TO CATCH UP ON BLACK SAILS, YOU BUTT.

Anyway, she continues, “yeah, it’s just really never gonna happen for Tyia.”

Duran tries cheering her up by being like, “well at least she gets to stay with her?” but then Alysanne launches into blaming her stupid, defective uterus for not having a son.

Also her husband hates her for it...

Duran tries to explain how babies are made, and that Tybutt could just have defective sperm, but Alysanne is like, “nahh...he got my maid pregnant.”

“It’s okay, I don’t blame her because she didn’t welcome any of it.”

“Yeah, no she’s terrified of him. This has been going on for a while.”

So Duran is immediately like, “okay, so I need to save your maid from this at once.” And says he’s going to enlist his wife’s help, since this is her specialty and junk.

Trystana will Get It Done.

Alysanne suddenly realizes that, hey...yeah...this IS dunked up.

She’s all nervous and guilty about involving Trystana, but she agrees to it for Marigold’s sake.

And then she and Duran hug.

And she feels comforted.

Good job, Alysanne! Your life was slightly less shitty for 3 seconds!

But Olenna for some reason defends Daeron for “not meaning it.” Patriarchy Brain? Targaryen Brain? Which Dany doesn't find that convincing.

Ha. Neither would Loree.

Olenna needs to stop since her lungs aren’t used to scaling rocks, apparently. So they sit and chill while she defends her douchebag ex boyfriend even more.

She also says she can’t really move anymore (lol Reach women), and that’s when she starts to notice Dany continually looking up to the top of the steps.

They talk briefly about culture differences, until it’s clear Dany’s bored, so Olenna’s just all

And Dany’s like

and fucking ditches her.

As Olenna has time to sit and think through things, her brain does this thing like “maybe being an antagonistic asshole...IS rude??”

And she has much more success than Dany did with Maron 2 chapters ago. See, Daeron *is* a douchebag who *did* act selfishly and *does* have zero good reason to be rude to Olenna. She triumphantly realizes that he really does deserve to feel guilty about the situation. Even though he probably doesn’t.

However this crowning achievement is short-lived when Loree and her snazzle approach, and Loree just kind of freezes and is all:

So they instruct Olenna to just stay calm and walk towards them slowly:

And when she lives through the encounter, she’s so relieved that she gives Loree a giant hug:

Loree’s like:

Then she suggests continuing up the stairs of doom to the sept because Olenna “will like it.” Way to profile Reach women, Loree. Despite her legs mostly falling off, Olenna agrees, because, well, it was Loree who asked.

On the way up they run into Alleza Dayne, who just wants to chat about how cool this place is, but has possibly driven everyone away with her encyclopedic knowledge, or something. So she joins the merry crew to go explore the awesome sept.

And on the way up she and Jambud Ladybright nerd even more about the history of the First Men building it and all. Olenna kind of thinks they’re awesome, but the patriarchal bullshit that’s drilled into her head makes her all aware of the “danger” they’re in. She’s just glad she doesn’t have to wander around in solitude like Alleza, even though that’s literally what she had been doing three seconds before.

However, things get a bit more Kool Kids Klub when the gang gets to the sept and sees the lovely sights inside.

(ugh, it was this or Blaze bein’ Blaze with Julie, so...)

But yeah. It’s Dany and Maron, and he’s like copping a feel and everything. Olenna immediately gets tears in her eyes, because I’m not sure people make out on the Altar of the Maiden in the Reach all that much. But her attention soon gets drawn to Loree, who is doing that horrifying “I am not moving because I’m so angry” thing:

Damn cold Martells.

She orders Dany to leave, and even Joleta doesn’t question it, so everyone who’s not Loree and Maron flee from the room.

Once they get outside Dany’s like

But even Alyse is all “yeah she might fuckin’ murder Maron, idk.”

Making Dany all

It’s all moot soon though, because they’re nearly bowled over on the steps by Loree, who apparently stormed away from Maron already. He’s sort of running after her, shouting futilely about how earnest his intentions are.

But Loree is more

(Maron being “girl” in this case)

She seems mostly concerned that Dany is half his age (valid)

(Dany being “he” in this case).

So Maron tries to hit below the belt a bit, by pointing out Loree fucked a lot of dudes. Then for some terrible reason Dany decides to speak up too (even Joleta is like ‘wtf you’re going to die’), and she’s all:

And she mentions that they’re planning on getting married. To which Loree gets super, super stone-faced, to the point where Alyse is more or less praying under her breath. She explains in very clear, clipped terms that no. Just no.

She continues to head down the stairs, Dany running after her, and Joleta decides that it’d be a really nifty time to pour some lighter fluid onto this fire by trying to stop her and trying to ask what the big deal is.

Which Loree takes super well because A) this means that Joleta knew about it and didn’t tell her, and B) people are ganging up against her Martell Orders. She kind of snappily explains responsibility to her cousin.

Aaaand Joleta, already in a pissy mood because her girlfriend has a fucking job, is all “well not all of us are heartless!”

Which. Joleta. Girl. Loree was a fucking mess when we first met her! But no, she tells Loree that she must feel nothing to be depriving such a pure love of DanyxMaron. Daron? Many? Haven’t I asked this before?

God, Loree, *all* of this would have been solved if you just listened to Joleta in the first place and wallowed at the Water Gardens!

Aaand Loree kind of. Loses it.

Yeah, she begins screaming about how her heart is broken, and her duty is dumb, and Eliott has no clue how to please her. Sadly for her, and everyone in the room, and us, Joleta is feeling a bit masochistic (or is maybe 100% done with people who do their jobs, or is 1000% done with people who try and interfere with her sister’s happiness), and she calls Loree a “martyr.”

Which, for a second, gets really scary.

Fortunately, Broseph Lewy is there to catch Loree’s fists and stop the fucking murder that was about to happen.

Ohhh yeah. Lewyn. That means other people have shown up. So Olenna looks around and sees that...yup. Literally everyone is standing there, including a giggling Daeron and a really disgusted looking Eliott. I hope he heard the part about him being incompetent.

Loree is just like, “Whooooo wants to go to the Water Gardens?!” as if this was totally normal. Yup yup.

Olenna is slightly traumatized by the whole thing: first the copping a feel in a sept, then Loree being more upset at the idea of her cousins marrying than of them fucking, then the entire wedding possibly blowing up. Also Dany is busy sobbing at Joleta, and Olenna suddenly realizes that maybe this bestie of hers is a lil’ immature.

So she rides alone to the Water Gardens, rethinking this entire trip, and quite possibly her views on the Dornish.

Oh but holy shit, naked children are at the Water Gardens!

Olenna can’t believe it, especially since you can’t even tell which naked children belong to the rich people!

However, the most adorable distraction arrives in the form of Sonion Dennet:

It’s Artyr Dalt’s kid, and he runs up to his dad all adorable, and even Loree stops scowling to be super nice to him. Well, nice for Loree. She’s a lil

But he promises to behave at their dinner and fuck, it’s not like he has stiff competition to live up to in *this* company.

Unfortunately the events of the day make dinner a bit...

(I’m so sorry, but I’m not at all)

Sonion Dennet is the only oblivious one, and is just like “hey is my aunt here?”

And Joleta “I just can’t believe Loree’s martyr complex” Gargalen thinks it’s a great idea to direct her shade about it at her almost!nephew.

Olenna tries to break the silence down at her end of the table, so she’s just kind of like “oh, so this child that exists belongs to Artyr.” But oh no, it’s a Dornish trap that Olenna blindly stumbles into when she goes “I didn’t even know he was wed.”

See, no, he’s not wed. Dennet is a cute little bastard, and Artyr is betrothed to Lady Obella, the person sitting next to her. Which she tells her with a smirk. And then Genna Sand (her sister, and that one is allowed to be known) is like “lol stop fucking with her”, though she’s obviously amused too.

Olenna is finally #donewith this Dornish shit, and just focuses on her pie. After the silence stretches on forever though, Rhona the pro does her thing. Because she’s such a pro.

She pulls the best, safest small talk topic out of her ass: “the ride was really nice here.” Loree is kind of grouchy when she answers, but then Elda Toland picks up what Rhona was dropping and was all “oh yeah, the last time we rode here you jumped over all the ditches.”

It kind of seems like it’s working, and that Loree’s cheering up a little, but Rhona then asks why Loree didn’t ride the same horse again. And oh shit. Can someone please find Loree’s fucks, because she certain can’t seem to.

“No,” Princess Loreza said. She seemed for a moment as though that were all she had to say, but then her smile turned almost defiant. “That was Henrick’s horse,” she said.

Eliott does not really deal with it. He actually just storms off in a huff.

(the seed is strong)

Some Reach buds follow, and Lewy and Loree get into a small tiff about whether he should go too (he does), which kind of leaves everyone pissed with everyone!

And that’s when Loree calls it a night.

Yeah...he broke Belmor Dondarrian’s nose, and then Loree ordered him to be taken away to Spear Tower. So Dany spent her night crying next to her slightly annoyed sister and a bemused Rhona Santagar.

Dany decides to spend the morning camping out outside Spear Tower so that Maron can see her and be comforted. Fortunately her sister, and our unproblematic fave, Joleta sees this and is all:

So she drags Dany back to her room and makes her sew Loree’s period stained bedsheet. (Well, that’s my guess anyway). But Dany keeps crying onto the sheet because she’s v. worried that Maron will be killed, or worse, sent back to Wyl away from her.

Joleta, however, is busy not giving a shit, though she tries to at least make Dany feel a little better by saying totally helpful stuff like “I don’t know what Maron expected to happen.”

And when she tries to joke, Dany cries even harder and gets pissed.

So Joleta decides she can’t even, and just sends for Olenna and Septa Friend Besto to come and try and calm her down. Which is quite the party for everyone.

Anyway, Olenna gets there and is basically like, “oh snap, sorry the dude you wanted to premaritally bang is an asswipe how sad for us all that it’s over now.”

But Dany just defends Maron because she thinks he’s the best.

So it’s just an awkward convo where Joleta, Olenna, and Friend Besto are trying to be comforting while also having no idea what the fuck is wrong with her, because Maron is clearly the worst.

Rhona interrupts the party because Joleta sent her to spy on the Maron situation, and apparently the prince just summoned him. And she’s such a pro that this went off without a hitch.

It becomes clear the news was really for Dany’s benefit, which is made very clear when Dany tries to bolt off to the Tower of the Sun to see what’s going to happen. Everyone in the room is like:

Especially Friend Besto. So Dany makes a snide remark about not bothering to ask Olenna to come with her, which Olenna doesn’t seem to like.

But Rhona once again is the best, and offers to go. She might be curious, or she might just be that good.

It’s just Loree and Serron Vaith there, and they’re both super confused as to why Dany is just randomly walked in.

But Loree lets her and Rhona stay as long as they don’t talk.

Which may or may not be because Loree has Dany’s entire political future planned out and her overseeing important decisions as handled by the Martells might play well later on when she’s ruling Yronwood…

Arion and Morgan come in, and the dude is NOT pleased with Loree. He begins talking about how he won’t allow anything to happen to Maron, and there's some awkward Martell Rank Jockeying.

But before things get too weird, Rhod shows up with his maester, Deneza, and Mors Allyrion (the Lord Justiciar).

He then takes a seat and has Loree stand next to him because they’re basically co-ruling and the fact that this could have been Doran and Arianne makes me want to vomit.

The maester goes and gets Maron, who’s led in by Artyr and Sonion Yronwood. Dany tries to grin for him (dude, there’s other people in the room), but she also thinks he kinda looks like shit.

He kneels before Rhod and Loree, and the conversation is basically them trying to get him to grovel, while Maron takes more of a “I’m sorry if you were offended” approach. And that’s not made better by the fact that he smirks when Deneza mentions Dondarrion’s nose is broken.

He also keeps trying to be like, “but you didn’t hear what he was saying!” To which Rhod and Loree gang up to tell him:

Arion keeps trying to interrupt, but Rhod isn’t having it.

Then he and Loree team up for a little good cop/bad cop, which is quite evocative of Doran and Arianne’s good cop/inappropriately flirtatious cop routine from “The Watcher.”

Actually, we know Maron is fucked when the “good cop” option is Rhod literally going “how dare you.”

Loree thinks he should be sent away. Maron tries to say that he he was defending his family.

But literally no one in the room wants to hear it. Martells have one damn job to do here, okay Maron? Secret siblings or no.

Either way, Rhod decides that Maron will face the severe punishment of...apologizing. Right away. And Dany’s slightly confused why Loree gives no shits about not getting “her way.”

Oh Dany. Soon you too will learn about the public manipulation of image.

Loree has to jet off on her swan for royal junk though, and Rhona follows her out of the room in case she has a book to hold. Everyone else leaves too (Rhod wants to hunt with his jam bud Egg) except Maron, Artyr, Ormond, Morgan, and Dany.

Our girl tries to contain her 15-year-old feels for Maron, so instead focuses on micromanaging his crumpled appearance. Is she related to Trystana or something?

Artyr just wants this over with, but then Dany frowns at him and that shuts him up. Is this a Martell Face in the making???

Instead he’s like, “fine but Ormond is going too.” And that kind of sets Maron off and he talks about how Ormond needs a wet nurse and shit.

Dany’s sort of wtf about it, but she convinces him to go off (and Morgan follows since that’s what squires are for). Artyr’s all:

since no one can ever get Maron to do anything he’s supposed to do.

Dany then fucks off pretending to look for her mom (the opposite is likelier with her) and instead goes to the practice yard where Belmor is so that she can see Maron as soon as he’s done apologizing.

Sadly for her, our gossip girl Ami Darklyn is there and calls Dany over.

And she really has no choice but to say hi. Ami starts off by talking about her hot husband, though to Dany he looks a little

Then Ami somehow pivots to prying into the details of Dany’s parents’ marriage, if Eliott gives Loree tinglies in her peehole, and finely the *events of last night*.

Dany does her best to avoid the subject

But Ami keeps prying about how Maron kept defending a *certain lady* and why that’s of interest to him… So Dany gets pissy and tries to tell her off, but slips up using the term “my cousins” about Genna and Maron, which means Ami got what she wanted out of this.

So Dany just awkwardly walks away, though fortunately it’s when Maron appears in the yard. Looking hot.

Everyone kind of stops what they’re doing to watch (Elda Toland is there cause she’s a good jam bud to Genna). Belmor kinda wants this over with and dismounts, but Maron makes a huge deal out of “begging his forgiveness.”

Belmor seems to realize it

but he doesn’t care enough to do anything about it. That and his face is probably killing him.

Then everyone goes back to not giving a shit. Artyr’s all like “gotta tell Rhod,” but Maron tells him Ormond should handle it instead since, “He never misses a chance to toady up.” Fortunately Sonion Yronwood is above it.

Ormond gives Dany a little nod before leaving. If only she could see his worth!

Artyr also leaves, and Dany’s just like, “why are you mean to Ormond?” Maron doesn’t really give an answer except for some vague complaints, but she’s all

Then before things get Overtly Sexual, Morgan is all

So Maron has him go off hunting with Rhod and Egg, while he and Dany go look for somewhere more private. However on the way they run into Elda Toland and *DUH DUH DUNN* Genna Sand. Who were probably just:

And she’s sort of immediately

when she sees her secret sibling and begins telling him off for smashing Belmor’s face.

Dany can tell it’s hurting Maron’s feelings. But since what Maron did probably stirred up a lot of shit for Genna and her mom, she doesn’t even care and goesl “I’ve got my brother to defend me.”

So Maron hits back with “I would defend you, with my life. I don’t care if you never call me brother.” That makes her pissier because he clearly didn’t think about how this might actually make her feel or anything.

...omg I have the perfect fancast for her, don’t I?

So she and Elda sort of storm off because it’s clear Maron isn’t listening to either of them.

Once they’re gone Maron’s all “what was I supposed to do?” and Dany seems to have a dilemma where in her brain, she knows the answer is “not punching people,” but Maron is just so hot. So she hedges with:

And he’s just like

But she ends up making him less pissy by talking about how much he fucked up Belmor’s face again. Awww.

Then she drags him to a garden and is all:

and surprisingly he’s reluctant:

Because he might actually be trying to do right by her? Like, the whole “she’s half my age” thing is maybe on his mind? And he seems to actually care about her.

That or it’s because he’s been hurt before.

So he wants to take things slow, but she has something else in mind:

And the whole thing is just Dany asserting her sexual agency over and over again and rejecting his attempts to infantilize her, because bless the Dornish women.

They’re soon interrupted by Garwen who’s nervously looking for Trystana, because apparently Princess Daenella just randomly showed up. Like just now; a few days before the wedding. Without warning.

Dany is so excited that she ditches Maron and Garwen to go find her:

And when Dany gets to her mom’s sitting room where Daenella is, she finds that her aunt is like the most pregnant person in the world:

Dae’s supes happy to see Dany and Dany thinks she’s the coolest aunt ever. But then Olyvar Sand comes in and begins chastising his sister for almost giving birth on the side of the road.

And she just offers weirdness about how pregnant leopards still hunt when they’re pregnant or something. She also tries pivoting to talking about if Eliott can sexually satisfy Loree, especially when Henrik was so hot. Olyvar isn’t too pleased about that:

But he’s downright warm compared to the greeting Trystana gives her sister when she comes bursting into the room.

Daenella actually seems slightly scared of her sis, and Olyvar tries calming her down, but Trystana is just freaking out about how the wedding is so soon and there’s no rooms for her and she’s literally about to give birth and Rhod gets stressed out by pregnant women…

Daenella is getting sad by Trystana’s tirade:

But Trystana doesn’t lose steam:

So Dae starts sobbing that she’ll just leave then since she’s bothering everyone:

and we learn that Olyvar, too, is a true Martell.

Speaking of true Martells, Loree comes walking in, and she’s also curious why the heck Daenella just randomly showed up.

Daenella is all “as a surprise,” and Loree answers with the best line Julia’s ever written: “Yes, I’m famous for being fond of surprises.”

Now we know where Doran gets his sass from.

Loree says that Daenella can take Rhona’s room, because that girl doesn’t just bend over backwards quite enough. We also learn that Dae is only actually there because she and her Orphan husband had a fight and she was running away from it. “Again,” according to Trystana.

Loree and Trystana leave, and Daenella goes back to crying about how much her sister hates her, so Olyvar and Dany have to be all

Which is a nice reversal from how everyone was treating Dany at the beginning of the chapter.

Olyvar goes off to tell Rhod that his ridiculously pregnant sister is in town, so that leaves Dany and her Aunt, and shockingly once the room empties Dae isn’t crying at all anymore and seems perfectly happy.

She also wants to know Dany’s “news,” which she guesses has something to do with Dany being in love? We’re given the impression she got around as a teenager and maybe she’s got some Princess Projection going on.

Dany skirts the issue but then admits that there is a guy. So Dae decides just to be the cool aunt and ask that she’s good on birth control:

Don’t worry; Dany knows what moon tea is for.

Eliott’s all like “we shouldn’t have gone on that bender, man.”

But when a goddamn prince of Dorne asks you to party with him, you go. Even if he’s half-grown with a faux hawk. Because Martell privilege.

They head down for breakfast in a small room so that the noise of the dining hall won’t bother them. Corrett sees his snephew’s state and is just:

But Papa Rowan is just more like, “we need today to go alright, mmkay snookums?” So dudebro #2 (Marq) gives Eliott a Dornish hangover cure:

His bro-bro (Alastor) apparently stayed in the night before, probably because after his shameful display back at Bloodwell, he was trying to behave. Their cinnamon roll sister Aelora was trying to act as though she had never heard of a hangover.

Apparently she’s supes excited about meeting Loree. She asks if she’s pretty, and we learn that most of Eliott’s hangover was from trying to get up the courage to ask Lewyn that same question last night.

We get a flashback of this moment, where Julia says and I QUOTE:

Last night, in a brothel in the bowels of a boat, he and his soon-to-be good brother sat together among the piled cushions in the common room. Prince Lewyn didn’t seem to have any interest in going anywhere more private and Eliott was not about to either...

So...can we get the good ship Lewiott going?

No, the conversation was basically Eliott asking reasonable questions, and Lewyn giving these non-answers as only a teenage boy could do. “She looks kinda like me.” Then he cautions Eliott about going up against “the wall,” which is apparently a double Martell Face courtesy of Rhod and Loree:

But apparently it only happens when they agree, so...

Oh and Alastor thinks Lewyn was lying about Loree being hot. He’s still a dillweed.

Back in his room, Eliott is given some kind of disgusting combo of eggs and hot sauce in a glass by Samuel Reer, the dude Loree hired to teach Eliott how to Dorne right. And Eliott gets all:

Apparently it was to clear his head. I’ll just take that baba ganoush Marq offered, please.

Eliott gets dressed in his Rowan Clothes of Importance, and then Mama Bear comes into the room. Sammy and Eliott’s manservant both leave so we can get a nice mother/son heart-to-heart.

Though in actuality it quickly becomes her advice on how to avoid marital rape.

No, like, it is touching. And she mostly just tells him to be gentle. And you realize the reason she’s probably saying it is because she remembers exactly what it was like to be married off to some dood who was going to have sex with her no matter what, even if she didn’t like his approach. Or the situation. Or him.

Oh Patriarchy Brain!

It’s kind of uncomfortable because his mom is blushing and using phrases like “this is the most important moment in a woman’s life” and talking about how scared Loree will be, but then it’s also hilarious on a meta-level because when we first met Loree she was literally coming off of a sobbing sex-fest.

“If you’re kind to her, she will love you.”

Emboldened by this pep-talk, Eliott heads out to the yard where everyone’s getting ready to ride off to Sunspear.

Not really. Eliott is a bundle of nerves, and it’s not made better by the fact that his dudebro cohort is trying to make bawdy jokes to feel better. But it’s okay, Eliott is all ready to defend Loree’s honor.

Lewyn and Olyvar Sand may or may not have overheard that exchange too, but they at least pretend they didn’t. Anyway, everyone sets out to Sunspear, and after a bit, they’re greeted on the road by Prince Arion and some People of Moderately Extreme Importance.

And that requires both parties to introduce all the peeps with them, and there’s a lot of this:

It is kind of funny because all the Dornishmen seem to think these introductions were unnecessary, and they’re all either bored or:

Oh but Arion’s douchebag sonion is there, Maron:

And he takes no time being a dillweed towards Eliott by saying shit like “I guess you’ll do.” And maybe implying that Loree is practiced at giving blowjobs? Just basically working overtime to make the Reachmen uncomfortable.

Lewyn’s a little giggly, but Olyvar is not team Maron. However, shit gets weird when Maron suggest that Eliott might lift Loree’s “sulk,” and Arion at least has the sense to shut him up:

Though Eliott overhears Lewyn asking how his sister is doing. His patriarchy brain prevents him from registering what this truly is about though.

Anyway, they eventually get to the castle itself, and they all dismount at the door where Princess Trystana is waiting for them with another group of peeps, which means more:

This party includes Lady Deneza, who may or may not be earning all of her grey hairs over the course of this fic.

Also Sonion Yronwood is there, and Lord Uller, and Duran, and the wonderful Gargalan sisters who I’m purposely trying to restrain myself from talking about more, and by the time the Reach ladies’ litters have showed up, so just all the bows.

And they’re led to an audience chamber. On the way, Trystana decides to micromanage Eliott’s facial hair. We’re given the impression that Loree likes beards, and Eliott is clean shaven.

They all go up all these stairwells and through hallways that are dripping with Martell Privilege, until they finally get to the audience chamber, where Egg, Rhod the sex god, Loree, and I think other Martells, probably Kingsguard and junk, Prince Valium, you know… are all waiting for more bowing.

Egg is pretending he’s chummy with Eliott, which is hilarious. Then Rhod is all dripping with Martell Dignity for Lord Rowan. But theeennnnnnn, he brings Loree forward to meet the dude as well. And she’s just kind of:

She’s also trying not to look at Eliott. And meanwhile he’s busy deciding that her voice is sexy.

Anyway, finally Eliott steps forward to meet her, and like kisses her hand or w/e, but more so, his male gaze kicks into overdrive. Her boobs apparently cut the mustard. But she’s got her father’s nose:

However apparently she has rockin’ (and perpetually bedroom?) eyes:

So she gets a passing grade:

But yeah, basically they’re both just checking each other out and omg this situation is so inherently awkward.

Eliott interprets her smile as “shy”

She then greets his mom next, who tells her she’s hot. So Loree’s smile “deepens.”

The Kill Bill sirens are almost palpable.

Lady Lenelle (Loree’s mom) then greets everyone, and it’s funny because Eliott’s all “well she’s direct like all those Dornishwomen.”

Anyway, once all the bowing is done, Lenelle suggests leaving the kiddos alone, which would require like...all these Moderately to Extremely Important People leaving. So Loree instead is like “nah, I’ll just show him the gallery.”

I’m starting to wonder if she and her mom rehearsed this. So she and Eliott leave with everyone staring at them:

They walk up a bunch of stairs to the gallery where there’s all these painted frescos, and Eliott almost defaults to ponderous gallantry. But fortunately he’s slightly smarter than Arys (plus Sammy told him not to compliment Loree for no reason).

However, that just leaves them to talk about…

Like, they’re both sort of trying. Maybe. Eliott’s trying his face off, that’s for sure. But there’s also not much Loree could say back to “Dorne is beautiful” other than “Okay…” So Eliott gets treated to a lot of:

Then he asks her about raising horses because he heard something about that, but she tells him that’s her uncle. Unfortunately for him, he assumes she means Arion, because Patriarchy Brain makes you immune to remembering bastards. And Loree’s just all:

“My father has two brothers.”

However, things seem to take a turn for the better when they look at a painting of the Red Princes, and Eliott is able to quote some of his book knowledge at her.

I mean, okay, she’s just, “you’re quoting something written by an imperialist asshole,” but like...it’s fine. They’re actually talking and both clearly not dumb. Until Eliott goes “I’m surprised you like history. No one told me you did.”

Um, you doof, she’s a fucking princess of Dorne. She has to know these things.

I guess he thinks it’s fine though, because he just goes on thinking about how awesome her hair probably smells.

There’s more weather talk for a second, but, thank the gods, Lewyn pops in.

And Loree is clearly happy to see him:

And they kinda ignore Eliott for a second while Lewyn is all worried about his sis. But that’s VERGING ON TERRITORY WE DON’T TALK ABOUT, LEWYN.

However, then Lewyn seems to snap into shipping Eliott and Loree, which only makes things weirder.

He keeps being like, “isn’t he great? Isn’t she smart?” And she seems amused when he calls her that, but then when Eliott agrees, she dons another terrifying smile:

Lewyn’s all, “I should bounce,” but Loree is almost immediately like NO WE’LL COME WITH YOU. And when Eliott’s like, “oh I’ll find my own way back,” she’s basically like:

That leaves Eliott alone, doubting everything that just happened. And making him wish that he had just told her she was pretty.

He’ll probably figure it out.