I decided to bite the bullet and try my hand at snz art. They're pretty low effort sketches, but I'll improve over time. For now though Florian gets to be my victim. Hope you enjoy.
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Trapped in a tight space with a giant sneezer who's about to blow their top, literally and figuratively. Imagine trying to make yourself smaller to accommodate their heaving chest as it intrudes more and more into what little space you have left, all while the buttons of their shirt hang on for dear life. Think about the last few hitches; breaths drawn so deep they finally pop the most stubborn of the buttons and send them ricocheting to their doom between your forehead and the wall. The sensation of space closing in around you as they take one final breath contrasted with the sudden freedom of the open air once they finally unleash the sneeze that's been bothering them for so long, decimating their erstwhile prison and sending anything in the way flying.
I wrote this to momentarily escape from my thesis. Greedy dragon picks the wrong bride and realizes he's not nearly as scary as he thinks he is.
Warning: overuse of the word 'bride'. Dubiously consensual marriage (but not in the way you may think.)
Gigantic sneezes ensue.
2.2k words
In the ancient dragon’s keep, far, far away from any prying eyes, an amusing scene unfolds beyond its master’s ability to control.
A massive beast of a dragon sat wincing in preparatory anticipation; the blunt side of his cart-sized claw extended beneath the red, twitching nose of his new ‘bride’.
Argos the Terrible had been caught unaware by the first great explosion of sound, wind and power from his bride. To his great shock, that blast had been powerful enough to hurl him bodily out of his den and make the mountain tremble under foot. The second blast collapsed parts of the interior cave walls, sending the wonderful collection of polychromal stalactites he so loved crashing to the floor and snapping the stalagmites that lined the den in two. The third blast he waylayed as his bride huffed and puffed with need of another typhoon strength release.
Screams of terror were something the Drake King had long become accustomed to as he took new brides, but the scream sneezes of his newest bride gave him pause. He had stolen a truly lovely princess this time but for as lovely as she was, she seemed to have no fear of him. Even as he grabbed her from atop her father’s tower and sped away with her hundreds of feet in the air, wrapped in his talons, she had made no fuss at all; instead grumbling some bizarre gibberish to herself the entire flight. He supposed she must have tried to calm herself with the prayers of some foreign tongue he had been unaccustomed to.
Argos had laid her down in a prepared bed of gypsophila when he entered his abode, which he found to be quite popular with court ladies, which was when the trouble had truly begun. So here Argos stood, hoping against hope that his precious bride wouldn't sneeze down his den as he gently pressed a claw against her tender nose. They stood there in tense silence for the better part of ten minutes when a butterfly flew into the den. Argos tried to shoo the tiny creature away with his wings and rings of smoke, but the butterfly evaded him easily and perched on his bride’s nose.
The Drake King flinched as his bride drew in a sharp breath, removing the claw that had held the destructive urge in place in a momentary lapse of judgement.
Argos trembled for the first time in centuries as his bride heaved a near bottomless gasp of air. He watched as the sneeze seemingly grew in power every second it remained stuck in her nose; little butterfly remaining on its perch none the wiser as the bride swelled with air. He could feel the den quake around them as he and everything else within the den were being drawn towards the terribly itchy nose.
Suddenly the thought struck him to flee.
Argos unfurled his massive, tattered wings and tried his hardest to take to the skies but his bride’s endless gasp for air had created a vacuum powerful enough that it rendered his bid for escape near futile. Instead he found himself being sucked in closer,and closer. Now properly terrified, The Drake King instead clawed his way out to the surface, marvelling at his tiny bride’s incredible lung capacity. He heaved himself up and out of the den, flapped his wings and took to the skies.
Argos had flown a mile out from his home when everything stood stock still for but a moment.
His mountain was still in view, and Argos could only watch in horror as its crowning peak erupted into a plume of dust and debris. The blast had thrown Argos back with an expansive shockwave, blasting the clouds apart and sending flocks of birds rushing past him in a panic. The birds in his field of view suddenly became far larger and Argos fell unconscious.
— — — —
Argos woke up in his den. Not on his bed of gold and jewels, but on the floor; his head rested upon a bolt of silk. He tried to scramble to his feet but slipped and stumbled every which way, his legs refusing to cooperate. He tried to engage his wings to right himself, but found that they were not there. In his frustration, he widened his maw and tried to spit fire only to find that his lips would not open even a fraction of the width he was used to and rather than flames, his exhale poured out an endless cloud of smoke.
His sorrow and self pity then turned to rage as he heard the footsteps of his wretched bride approaching. She stood meters away from him with pitiless eyes and slowly took off her shimmering skin, revealing a young man of similar stature and appearance in her place.
Argos intrinsically knew something was wrong, and began to look about in panic to check his reflection, finding a silver dish on the floor. Crawling over to it he found a reflection that wasn't his. A human man with olive skin and lustrous red hair. The man had been wrapped in his silks and sneered the same sneer Argos felt overcome his face as he looked deeper into the polished metal. Smoke poured from his mouth once more and the man in the dish copied the gesture.
All at once Argos felt himself overcome with a wave of shame as he realized that they were one in the same.
Argos felt his anger wash over him like burning magma, but unable to act on his fury he slammed his open palm on the ground, his temper increasing with each pathetic smack that sounded through the cave.
“Wretched bride! Deceitful bride! How dare you face me after inflicting me with your dark magic!” Argos roared as he petulantly slapped the floor. Smoke poured from his mouth as he raged and moaned. The Drake King had expected his bride to tremble in fear, or rush to apologize for her actions.
Instead the young man before him raised the shimmering mantle to his face and covered his nose.
“You’ll make me sneeze if you carry on like that.” His bride blithely replied. Argos quickly covered his mouth with his hands to prevent more smoke from spilling out.
“Change me back this. INSTANT!!!” he demanded behind his palms.
“No.”
“Then give me a reason I shouldn’t devour you right now!” Argos slammed a soot covered palm onto the floor.
His bride scoffed and rolled his eyes behind his mantle, striding up to him with grace Argos was unaccustomed to seeing. The Drake King reared back on his haunches as his bride boldly crouched over him and whispered next to his ear, “My, my what a temperamental husband I’ve found! Do you think you can~?”
Over the course of an hour, his bride explained their situation.
Argos had taken the wrong person. The old king of the neighboring kingdom had been fed up with losing his wives and daughters to Argos. Knowing the Drake King would be circling for a new bride this year, the king devised a trick. He would take an imprisoned sorcerer who had similar looks to his daughter, dress him up in a transformative mantle and have Argos take him instead.
By the end of the explanation, Argos had felt properly foolish. His bride was no princess, but an imposter placed in her stead.
“That doesn’t explain why you turned me into a human though…” Argos grumbled.
“Because you’d burn me to a crisp if I didn’t, silly.”
“Well, if you change me back, I promise I won’t. I’ll even forgive you for destroying my den!” Argos brightened as he made his offer. He shrunk back on himself as his bride laughed it away.
“I can’t turn you back now. Not only because making a deal with Drake King ‘Argos the Terrible’ is a fool’s errand, but because I'll become impossibly sneezy if I do.”
Argos pouted, because surely his reputation wasn’t that bad, before he realized what his bride had said.
“W-what do you mean by that?”
“They sent me here because they hoped I’d blast you away and succumb to the elements before I could make it back to the kingdom. I’m actually under a curse to be hopelessly allergic to magic and magical beasts, dear husband,” his bride said precisely, smiling as he knew Argos hung on every word.
“If I turn you back now,” he pouted with faux-remorse, “I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from destroying this mountain and the rest of your territory… it makes m-my n-nose itch j-just th-ihhH? thiiiIhHHHH—? IHHHHHH! snf! just thinking about it.”
“Don’t think about it!!”
Argos tried to escape, but between his bride straddling him, and his now useless legs he was unable to go anywhere. He could only watch helplessly as his chest rose and rose with the copious air he drew in. His hair had been caught in his bride's gasps and he could only look on in horror as the long red strands danced around the sorcerer’s sensitive nose.The sorcerer heaved a final terrible gasp spurred on by the tickling hairs, before placing a palm on Argos’s chest and forcing him to lie flat, snapping to the side with an enormous trio of sneezes.
“T-too-! Too la-laAAAHH-late! aAaAAAhhH—! AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH—!!
HHHAAAAAAAAA’AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”
The cave walls Argos had once meticulously burrowed through cratered and blasted apart under his bride’s constant sneezing, revealing the tops of forest trees outdoors.
“Oh my! That smoke of yours really did a number on mm-meeee—!”
If Argos could have shrunk any further to escape his poor bride’s onslaught of sneezes he would have. Instead, he could only lie still as his heart thundered through his chest as his bride took another deep, deep vacuum-like breath.
“What if I could cure you!” Argos blurted out. The unending hitch paused momentarily and his bride looked down at him curiously.
“Tell me, q-quickly—!”
“I know of a treasure that cures all ailments and undoes a-all curses! If I get it for you, you’ll be cured and you can change me back!” Argos revealed under the threat of the violently twitching nose.
His bride got off him at once and strode across to the new opening in the den. The Drake King sighed in relief before startling at the terrific noise as his bride erupted with his biggest sneeze yet.
His bride’s release threw Argos’ treasures about like sand on a storm wind, even though he had unleashed its true power through the hole he made with his previous fit. Argos himself might have been blasted away if not for the magic mantle his bride had left on him.
His bride panted over the hole’s threshold. Sniffling once, then twice, before letting out a shaky exhale on the third sniffle.
“Wonderful!” His bride turned to him with a bright smile, “what a wonderful, debonair husband you are Argos!”
Argos found himself smiling as his bride threw himself into his arms and peppered him with compliments. He had never experienced it before, but it was quite nice. His bride slipped a magic ring from his collection onto his finger and its match onto Argos’, before holding his hand tight.
“These rings symbolize our promise, beloved husband. I, Florian Amestris, hereby solemnly vow to disregard my liege’s orders to rid you from this kingdom in exchange for a treasure that will dispel my curse. In exchange, you, the Drake King, Argos the Terrible, will acquire this treasure and bestow it onto me, thereby gaining my eternal allegiance as your bride. Do you agree to these terms?” his clever bride asked, leaving any ambiguity out of the question.
Argos wanted to find a loophole or a way to squirm out of the arrangement, but he had no time to think of any. Especially not with his bride's twitchy, ticklish nose inches from his face.
“I, Drake King Argos the Terrible, agree to the set terms of our engagement. I will acquire the treasure for you at any cost.” He swallowed his pride and acquiesced. The rings reverberated with phenomenal power and sealed each promise on the requisite ring. Florian smiled and hugged Argos once more, speaking to Argos of gathering him new suits of clothes, teaching him to walk, the length of the journey so on and so forth. The words washed over him as he considered his situation.
Argos had found himself a crafty bride, but this bride had a radiant smile and would lavish him with attention and affection in exchange for nothing more than the promise of a treasure.
‘No’, he realized, ‘not the promise. I’ll actually have to get him that treasure.’
Argos considered breaking his vow, but Florian’s quiet sniffles and his new view of the eastern quadrant of his territory over his shoulder made it exceptionally clear that would not be possible. He would have to figure out if such a treasure even really existed; he had to, otherwise all of his territory would look like the east, a sand coloured cone with no clouds in sight, stripped of all green for miles and miles on end.
Argos instead resolved to remove the curse at any cost. His life would depend on it.
An imperious monarch who sneezes unabashedly and unrestrained, despite the fact that they could handily topple their palace with how big they get, to remind everyone within a five mile radius that they are the rightful ruler of realm.
They claim to be descended from divinity, and that their thunderous sneezes serve to banish evil and bless their kingdom. Such that after a while, their subjects begin to believe the tremors after the monarch's sneeze are a good omen.
Their courtiers on the other hand know better. The monarch's sneezes are just that, sneezes. Gigantic they may be, but they're otherwise unable to grant blessings of any kind. Worse, there is a very real fear developing among the courtiers that their monarch's sneezes are becoming more powerful than the kingdom can take.
Spells designed to contain them begin to fail, magic handkerchiefs no longer soothe and barriers around the palace start to fray at the edges. The monarch, ever unyielding, absolutely refuses to stifle or hold back; demanding the courtiers find a solution to stop their sneezes from growing any further. When their various solutions fail, the monarch creates one.
The solution they come up with?
If the courtiers are so concerned about their sneezes, they can make it their purpose to hold them back.
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I live for the concept of giant sneezes. Something about the idea of being forced to surrender your senses to a force generated within you but simultaneously more powerful than you is just... chef's kiss✨.
On another note:
In a world where giant sneezers exist, the powers that be would create infastructure to suit the needs of those who sneeze bigger than most. But realistically a one size fits all solution doesn't fit everyone, so for your consideration:
A giant sneezer who sneezes too big for the facilities that absorb the impact of their releases. They come in, storm on the horizon, holding back all day, ready to unleash a biblical fit the likes of which none have ever seen. But one sneeze in and the force absorbers are already at their limit, but they have another 5 ready and loaded in the chamber.
You got technicians scrambling to do something as the poor sneezer is trying to stop themselves from huffing, puffing and blowing the place to smithereens.
A 'celebrity' who became famous for their gigantic sneezes and their long-suffering handler who must keep them from indulging the whim to blast away any minor inconvenience at the drop of a hat.
Thankfully, their staying hand is the only one that can prevent their boss from causing any real damage.
Consider a giant sneezer who is fairly popular in their community. People love them, but are always on the look out to prevent a tickle from taking hold of their nose for fear of the devastation that will surely follow.
Of course, no defense can be perfect. Whenever a tickle does take root, it's a race against time for their community to secure any loose objects they don't want to go flying and duck for cover before the sneezer erupts.
As eruptions become more common, and the sneezes more powerful, the sneezer finds more and more people paying attention to their nose above all else.
