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The Commissioner: What're you doing?
The Railway Director: The Masters demanded to know what weapons we have in stock. I'm writing them a letter telling them it's private information.
The Commissioner: (Reading over their shoulder) ‘Fuck around and find out'?
The Railway Director: It’s good to be concise.
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Another Meeting of the Great Hellbound Railway Company
The Efficient Commissioner: Alright, I--I take the complaint box very seriously and I seem to be the only one who does. The Director: A complaint about the complaint box....delicious. The Efficient Commissioner: Director, I'm serious, I'm not amused, alright? I happen to be the one who has to deal with all of these complaints, no matter how stupid they are. Furnace Acona: Well, how stupid could they be? The Efficient Commissioner: Well, let's have a look here. (Reading complaint cards) "You suck." "You suck." "The Clay Highwayman rules." "If you can read this you are a dork." "Coupon for one free kiss from the Bishop of Southwark if you are a guy." "Need more complaint cards." "Coupon for one free kiss from the Bishop of Southwark....if you are a girl." The Bishop of Southwark: Hey! The Efficient Commissioner: (Pulling out a fortune cookie) "You will go on a journey with great fortune." "September is a moron." "No I'm not." "Yes, you are." "No, I'm not infinity." (September smiles) "Yes you are infinity....plus one." (September's smile fades.) "The Tentacled Entrepreneur has been staring at me all day...and I love it." (The Entrepreneur looks disturbed) Uh, "Hands to amidships and man the spanker?" Everyone, in unison: But we hardly know her! Sinning Jenny: I thought we'd all enjoy that one. The Efficient Commissioner: Ooookay. And "Help, I'm being held prisoner in a complaint box." Which is....actually kind of funny.
September: Okay, first I'd like to introduce our newest Revolutionary, the Director of the Railway, and I'd like to thank them for their generous gift of two echos, which they handed me outside this morning. Not necessary, but much appreciated.
January: Why'd you give him two dollars?
The Director: I thought he was homeless
The Player: How do the Masters get out of these messes?
The Efficient Commissioner: They don't. They create a bigger mess that cancels the first one out.
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The Director: I trust the board with all railway decisions. Hell, they usually run it without me anyway.
The Efficient Commissioner: So like...what crimes HAVE you done?
The Player: Nothing worth mentioning. A few incidental murders, assorted theft, robbery, extortion, burglary, some arson, smuggling, highway robbery, cattle rustling, pillaging a couple of churches to the Drowned Man, operating an unlicensed brothel, that sort of thing.
Furnace Acona: Is there any crime you haven't committed?
The Player: Barratry, I think. Of course I’m not sure what that means so I can’t be entirely positive.
September: Is' when a ship captain wrecks 'is ship innorda tae steal 's'own cargo.
The Efficient Commissioner: I don’t think that’s—
The Player: Well, I’ve never done that. Also, I’ve never had carnal knowledge of an animal, I've never practiced witchcraft, and I have never committed treason.
Furnace Acona: Those are the more really serious ones, I suppose.
The Efficient Commissioner: The point is your behavior is not the type of behavior a very stupid person can perpetrate. And so my impression has thrashed around from conversation to conversation, and now, rather than suspecting you of incompetence, I have begun to fear just the opposite. I think you might be dangerous.
The Player: To whom?
The Efficient Commissioner: Maybe not knowing is what really bothers me. Now please put the bomb down and return to the train.
