#gettingthingsoffmychest

6 months. 6 months since the first time I met you, the first time we spoke, the first time you smiled at me. I wasn’t aware.

4 months. 4 months since the snow, the first class we had together, the first jokes we shared. I still wasn’t aware.

3 months. 3 months since you wanted a change, the sleepiness, the first moment. Unaware of my Valentine.

2 months. 2 months since truth or dare, you trusted me with your secret, the unrequited love. I was still unaware.

1 month. 1 month since the late nights, the heartache you felt, the time I just wanted to let you know everything would be okay. Unaware.

1 week. 1 week since the alcohol, the dancing, the second moment. Drunkenly aware.

1 day. 1 day since you let me in, since you ate just so I could, since the third moment. I finally became aware.

Today. Today you are still unaware. Unaware of your strength, your courage and your worth.

Unaware that you don’t deserve all this pain, this heartache, this self-hate.

Unaware how your smile is contagious, that your heart is pure and made of gold, how talented you are.

How I wish I could make you aware of all these things.

Today. Today I am still unaware.

Unaware of many things about you, your moments of weakness, your true sadness, the moments you just want to give up.

How I wish I could make you aware of how much you are loved.

Unaware of how happy I am when you are around, how all my worries and anxieties disappear for just those moments, how safe you make me feel when we hug.

Unaware of how much you mean to me, how much I want to be there for you at the end of the day, of how much I love you.

For why I've been silent here: well, I feel like an idiot. There are things I forget to do of chores and when I want to do something and watch something, I get side tracked and lose track of time. Even when I have projects of both drawing and scripts, I have moments that I can't work on them and work on the ones I want to do and not work on the others. As well I miss out on streams that my friends do and miss talking to friends on vc because of me getting side tracked. I feel bad and I'm trying my best to fix that but, I keep messing up on that and being a better person/adult. As well wanted to show you guys to see my fan made series of shows that I love and my own stories.

Of drawings that I do with my friends, I never get around to because when I do them, I get side tracked on what I'm doing and never have motivation to work on them. To all of you, words can't express on how truly sorry that I am for not getting around to them and I never forget them, not ever but, I will get to them. I just feel stupid for not working on them. When I have moments where I feel at my lowest, I never feel like myself and work on drawings and scripts that make me happy.

I hope you guys can forgive me and be patient and be there for me as I get myself and get my schedule fix

Here goes nothing..

First of all please be kind, this is my first ever attempt at anything like this.

Where do I start? - today’s been a rough day. Anxiety level 85/100. I can’t seem to take my mind off of the fact that #coronavirus is taking the lives of sooo many people all over the world and there’s nothing I can do about it other than keep my distance, wash my hands and don’t travel unless essential. But still even when in isolation at home, I can’t help but over think everhthing. Does anybody else feel like this is all just a horrible dream and that any moment now you’ll wakeup? I wish it was that easy.

As a young adult that suffers with anxiety and health ocd, I can’t help but assess myself 24/7 and through this end up convincing myself I’m unwell. The slightest niggle in my chest, the pain in my head, the sneezing and runny nose.. it sounds SOO stupid but I can’t stop. I’d like to say my brain switches off from these irrational thoughts when I go to bed, but it seems to Increase..

I count myself incredibly lucky at this very moment in time and I’m greatful to be in a position where I can sit here and type about all this... but somehow anxiety and excessive checking in on my breathing, heart rate and temperature, just won’t stop.

Being able to type this all out on here is making me feel so much better and deep breathing and meditation on YouTube are a saviour too. But I’d like to take the time to say thank you.. if you’ve got this far and not thought to yourself ‘weirdoooo’ then thank you!!

Oh boy  long time no write. I don't like it anymore than you do dear reader. So, why not welcome myself back into the fold with a topic about my own personal drama? *crickets*.....Um... well to be fair it's more observations than anything else but something caught my guard. The idea that I'm suddenly a recluse when in fact people have given me nothing but strife for many a moon now. 

A person can only put up with so much narcissism and childish antics for so long. I realize I am off my A game at the moment due to the fact that I'm even wasting a blog entry on stupid nonsense, but hey, at least I'm getting it off my chest dear reader.

Now to the main topic at hand. THE COPIER!! The one who has the doppelganger boytoy of a "boyfriend." The weird, phony, awkward relationship that everytime I witness it I have to shake my head in frustration and disappointment. Why? Because I thought this person knew better. After all this time maybe I was only kidding myself. After observing people for so long and getting so good at it you sometimes turn the "switch" off and just let people be. Nobody wants a manipulator although, that's what I seem to have got.

Honestly I don't even want to talk about this outside the fact that it's been a train wreck of nonsense from people these past few weeks with a lot of drama and poor decision making from people who should know better. I won't dwell on that last one since it's not for me to tell but it's a doozy I can assure the reader. And yes, I'm still getting things off my chest.

I'll make a note here to say that who is really being copied is my beautiful fiance. Almost down to the letter at times. I am as well but only to an extent. I should say it's more like WE are copied together in unity.

I'm in the process of wanting to start over and it's going well so far but I think part of it is when the day of our wedding draws nearer and we start our lives officially together I mentioned how I'd like to move to her but in the back of my mind I wonder how "new" our neighbors will be.

I apologize dear reader for the rambling mess this blog post seems to be. Its mostly me being frustrated at the moment with a lot of people, and wanting to change,  grow, and move away from that negativity that they bring.