April 12th, 2017 4:24 pm
I constantly find myself searching for the right words
Every second I feel them right on the tip of my tongue
Waiting for their turn to fall over the curve of my lips and into the world
But my mouth stays closed
A hard straight line across my expressionless face
These words are not ready yet
They're too raw and explosive for me to let them take their course
They would harm so much more than they would help
And although I've felt the lash of jagged, painful words many times before
And although I know I would find such sweet relief in letting them go
I would never wish that pain on anyone else
So I will pull my lips together
Into the same straight line
I'll remain expressionless
Silent
So that I will not disturb anyone around me
Not because I am oppressed, or I feel like what I have to say is unimportant
But because I am now old enough to realize
Not everything needs to be said
Revenge, spite, jealously, and all the words they bring with them
Should never have been thrown around as carelessly as we have let them
I do not want to hurt people with my words anymore
No matter how much they've tried to hurt me with theirs
I want to walk this world a little more lightly
Not leaving chaos and destruction in my path like I always have
But leaving a stillness and a serenity that both i and this world deserve
And I know that it will not be easy to change my ways
I've been a storm for so long that I've forgotten how to step with caution
I just crash through
But not anymore
I promise to remain calm in the face of all the other storms I've raged against all this time
Let them crash through me instead, if that's what helps them
But never push them back
I promise to take a deep, fresh breath and remind myself of what's important
Of what's at stake
And measure my movements carefully
Precisely
In a way I've neglected so many times before
I promise that I have learned you cannot fight fire with fire
Finally
After all these years of hearing it, living it, knowing it
It's finally registered
I can take all these negative feelings and instead of dropping them like a bomb into the hearts of those I love
I can acknowledge them
Nod my head and let them know I see them
Write them down in beautiful collections of words instead
Give them new purpose in life
Just as being more gentle can give back to me
Let them have their moment of fame in a much softer and simpler form
And then, let them fly away
So I am lighter, and more free
And this world is a little brighter than before
Truly, deeply happy
This is the kind of person I want to be
