#genderqueerproblems

Gender fluid problems..... I wanna look cute as fuck in a really cute outfit and really cute make up.... and handsome as fuck in a shirt and tie and put my hair in a mohawk. OH GOSH. 

Literally just realised that I need 2 wash bags and 2 make up bags (mine are small) for holiday. One for when I'm identifying as female and one when I am identifying as male. I need certain pieces of make up to make my face look more feminine and certain pieces to make my face look more masculine. Plus then I've got my hair gel, hair spray, hair putty (It's a lot I know, but I want different styles for different gender identities and for neutral). They won't fit in one bag. That is gonna be difficult to explain to my dad. Plus I'll have to pack enough clothing to suit any gender while I'm away.... I'm gonna have so much stuff just for a week and a bit just in case we stay longer....

Staying at my parents for the weekend, my mum has asked me five times why I have painted nails. The answer ‘because I think it looks nice and I like doing it’ is apparently not acceptable :(

Feelings Parade: As a genderqueer person, as a white, female assigned, masculine of center genderqueer person to be specific, my experience of gendered spaces is complicated. I hate being gendered as female, I'd much rather be sirred any day of the week. (I prefer they/them but let's be real passing as genderqueer isn't a thing that happens.) On the flip side, (as there aren't many spaces designed for folks with identities like mine, identities that don't fit under "man" or "woman"& both men's and women's spaces are uncomfortable for me) when forced to choose, I'll walk into the women's room any day of the fucking week, I'm scared shitless of men. I'm not a woman, though, and as a masculine person I carry power and privilege with me that threatens women's spaces. While this is true no matter how I am perceived, I pass as female so consistently, I am not often read as an outsider or intruder when I inhabit women's spaces. Here's the thing though, My body isn't what I want yet. I want a flat chest, bigger muscles, a squarer frame and face....things I can get with top surgery and hormones (let's not even get into the logistics of that actually happening for the sake of this post). Lets say I change my body the way I want to, what happens then? Where can I go? Men's spaces won't become less terrifying, but I will become (rightly so) much more threatening in women's only spaces. I recognize that because of my whiteness I have extraordinary access to spaces where my presence is not questioned, where I am invisible (not feminine enough to be desirable, not masculine enough to be a threat) and am perversely safe. I also know that the fact that I can even consider surgery and hormones is because of my economic privileges. I'm still learning how to balance who I am and what I have with what I can, and should, do. I am not sharing this because I want answers, but because it helps to say this out loud. & I want to have more conversations about non-binary & gender non-normative bodies, I so appreciate reading about other people's experiences and wanted to add my voice, even if only into the ether of tumblr :)

I think my mother may have just agreed to buy me a binder...