#gender busting

I met Eric at One Show’s first Creative Leader’s Retreat in Arizona 4 years ago. We instantly bonded over our love for all things creative. He was one of those rare hybrid ECD’s who was fluent in every facet of advertising. He embraced it all. And he hustled. His enthusiasm for the industry was infectious and we spent the next few days discussing all things advertising. We talked about the work, life balance in our industry and how it wasn’t a gender issue. It was an industry issue. So I wasn’t too surprised when I heard he was making a shift to be a stay-at-home Dad. As an ECD and a mom, I applaud his choice. The only way we’re going to make any headway on this issue is if we all embrace the importance of family, whether it’s kids or parents, and work to create an environment for our people where a family focus is not only tolerated, but encouraged.

It was early August, 2006. My wife and I had just moved back from San Francisco. Like so many Midwesterners, we leave, go explore and then come back to raise a family. That was us. And I was meeting our incredibly welcoming new neighbor for the first time. “What do you do for a living?” she asked. “Advertising stuff,” I offhandedly replied. “Oh, growing up, my father was in advertising…” A long pause ensued before she continued, “I never saw him.”

That un-sugarcoated conversation, just a few months before the first of our three daughters was born, stayed etched in my head. And while I’ve been pretty lucky to work for agencies that strive to balance a healthy dose of creativity with family time, there were times I often found myself replaying it. From those nights I swore I’d be home for dinner but got wrapped up in an ad emergency, to those stretches of back-to-back new biz pitches. The list, as you know, goes on. And as time went on, an idea kept popping into my head that maybe someday I’d take some time to stay at home more with the kids.

Fast forward to late 2016. I realized there couldn’t be a better time to make the move. Especially since our daughters were still all under ten and actually wanted to spend more time with me (I’ve been told that’s a really small window). And before I forget, one more important thing: I have a really supportive wife who thinks every dad should do this at least once (Thanks, Katie). So after 20-plus years of full-time employment in the biz, I left to be a stay-at-home parent—with some freelance thrown in for good measure—aka helping pay the bills.

I always wondered why, beyond the obvious financial consequences, more dads didn’t give it a try. But I quickly realized the stay-at-home dad thing, as receptive and supportive as my friends and family were, still has a long way to go before it ever becomes the new normal. Or even the somewhat normal. The visceral reactions I received said it all.

Reaction #1: “Say what?”

These responses were kicked off with a pronounced double take. And while every “Is it really true?” or “Say what?” reaction was usually followed by a “That is so awesome… good for you,” I was a little surprised that so many people were, well, surprised.

Reaction #2: “Man, I wish I could do that.”

These were almost a little depressing. Listening to people come right out and admit to being shackled to some kind of handcuffs (pick your color: bronze, silver or gold). Or expressing that they didn’t think their spouse would support the idea. And, in one case, surrendering to “maybe if I were to ever get laid off or fired, I’d try it out.”

Reaction #3: “Does your wife work?”

I think the curiosity here was most likely twofold: Were we somehow well enough off that I could take the leap? Or could it be that the woman of the family was the breadwinner?

Reaction #4: “Aren’t you worried about…”

A few people came right out and showed sincere concern for my future in the biz. “Aren’t you worried about getting rusty?” "What if your portfolio gets old?" “How will you jump back in?”

Reaction #5: “Let’s grab beers and you can tell me what really happened.”

I suppose in a post-truth era, it's no surprise a few people thought there's got to be more to the story. No simple answer would suffice this rumor-du-jour-loving group. There just had be something behind my move. I got fired. I flipped out. I got caught stealing a 12-pack of LaCroix from the supply closet. What was it?

So there you have it. A look at some reactions—and perhaps telltale signs that, even as progressive as our industry is, the stay-at-home dad thing is nowhere near trending anytime soon.

I do wonder why it’s so hard to believe why a dad would quit for a little more time with the family (anyone heard of an old ad man looking back at his life and wishing he spent more time at the office?). But we’re an industry that embraces change. Look no further than the 3% movement and the gig economy that are forcing us to take a hard look at how we do business day in and day out. Perhaps some day glib sayings such as “Good enough isn’t good enough.” will be supplanted with “Go home and eat dinner with your kids.” After all, for most parents, it’s really not about whether or not to stay at home, it’s about simply being around more.

Finally, I’d be remiss to point out another group of heartfelt reactions. Namely, from my three young daughters:

“Yeah! Can you pick me up from school now?”

“This means you can go on more field trips, right?”

“Dad’s volunteering at our school library!”

And just like that, my decision was confirmed.