#gdg

I’ve started missing you. Well I guess I started a few days ago. I just want to be held. I liked the way you did it.

You’re an asshole.

So am I.

Admittedly, I’m a little attached. This has been a good thing. I suspect you’re a little attached too. Hard to say. We might both be in the same position here. We like this because it hasn’t soured. There’s no reason to let it. The end was in sight from the start.

You keep talking about things we will do when you come back. It’s all under a platonic assumption, but the assumption that you’d return to me at all isn’t one I would have made on my own.

I haven’t decided how I will react.

I am jealous over you. I have never told you this. Not explicitly. I trust you wholeheartedly.

You slept with someone else.

So did you.

I don’t care that you did that. I even asked you to show me how you did it. It was kinda hot.

I couldn’t eat when you did that. I heaved at the details.

I keep asking you to be my boyfriend. You know it’s a joke. Neither of us really want that.

I asked you once. You got scared. I think I was the only one who ever really wanted that.

We’ve been at this for a few months now. It’s all been really easy. I like that. I wish you wouldn’t omit so much. That’s my only critique. You’re skeezy because of it.

We’ve been at this for half a year. Nothing about this has been easy. I’ve omitted so much about myself. At this point, I don’t feel like you’re really friends with me. You’re friends with the version of me I thought you wanted. I’ve seen the duality of you. I love you through your highs and your lows. I wish I could show you mine.

You barely care about your ex. It took you weeks to even feel anything, and even then, it was only for you not her.

You still love your ex. Maybe at this time, you hate her. You’re with her right now. Expecting to end things. Maybe you will.

He said that two years ago, he told himself that he would join the military if he didn’t have anything else going for him by 22. I don’t really understand why he felt he had nothing going for him. He put in two years with a girl. He was going through fireman training. He had a foot in the door with a park job. Sounds like he could have made something of himself out of that, but he takes issue with complacency. He spits at traditional paths. He’s probably bored.

As of right now, he might not even make it into the navy. Heart problems and possible anaphylaxis. Needs to get that checked out this week. I told him I don’t know what to do with him if he doesn’t make it in because I wasn’t planning on having him around for that long. Kind of harsh I guess, but it’s true. We will never be anything more than what we are now. Am I supposed to let this drag on until something comes along to end it? Do I just end it when he’s supposed to leave? I don’t know.

I really hope I’m not pregnant. I’m just paranoid. I mean what I say when I talk about wanting an accident, but I don’t want his accident. Something about him feels off at times. I can’t quite figure out what it is. Liar? Manipulator? Manwhore? Narcissist? General douche? Maybe it’s nothing, and I’m the asshole that’s just trying to find something wrong with him, when it’s really not that deep.

It’s entirely possible that he is just an alright dude, and I am the problem. He definitely isn’t cookie-cutter-normal, but he might be too close to that for my liking. I like a bitch with a backstory. That’s my own problem. He is nice. I guess.

I don’t like that he didn’t tell me his ex was still paying rent. I don’t belong in her space.

I don’t like that he never told her about his brief Colorado related hustle.

I don’t like that he asked me to shave.