Disney stories just don't come true...
I just don't know what to do...I came home from the home birth meeting feeling a lot more confident and now I have crashed again! I look at all these people trying for a baby and they're struggling and all I can think is 'shit, if these guys are struggling, I have one shot a month to get this right!!'. I love my girlfriend without any doubt with a passion I never knew about. Right now she is snuffling away asleep next to me and I feel like one of the luckiest girls ever. But what if I can't give her a family? I am lucky in the fact I have recently had ultrasounds and everything looks perfect apart from the odd, undeveloped cysts on my right ovary. I have my period every month within 28-32 days, my opk tests come back with two positive results a month and yet somehow I am convinced it just ain't going to happen and it's really beginning to get me down. I can't just have sex every other day throughout the entire month because our donor will only be up for my fertile window. I have the added pressure that all of his children and the children he's donated for have been conceived within the first cycle except one who was conceived within the second cycle. So if I don't conceive I know it's my fault... I know that me being overweight isn't going to help but after being so ill with my eating disorder my gp has told me that she is glad I have started eating healthily and regularly even if I have put weight on. I can support my unborn child if I refuse to eat so yes, I am really fat but my body can now support a life growing in it. What if I have our child and I develop postnatal depression and I reject them? I am so scared I am going to mess up just like my estranged mother did and I will end up messing up my child's life just like my mother did to me. What if I have to give up trying to conceive because of funding? We don't have infinite resources to be able to constantly have our donor up and if we run out of funding then we have to go private and we definitely can't afford over a grand a cycle. What if I never get to be a mum. What if a positive pregnancy test followed by a lot of pain and heartache is all I am ever going to know of pregnancy? Eleven very short weeks... My girlfriend is going to make me her wife. She wipes away my tears. She holds me tight and tells me I just need to have a little faith in myself and to believe it when my gp tells me there is absolutely no reason I cannot do this. What if she never gets to see our child being born? Never gets to hold them in her arms. She promises me that no matter what she'd still be by my side, children or no children but I just can't put her through that. She deserters to be with someone who can give her a family... But... What if we do have a family and it all goes right? Then what? All the hard work, tears, tantrums, late nights researching donation etc will have all paid off. Yeah and Disney stories always come true...
