#gatesstarters

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Someone please get very heavily intoxicated with me tonight. I’m not certain how much more I can handle of this. Thanks.

Totally saw a picture of me used on an advertisement for a porn website. Apparently, I’m a “jail-bait spring breaker” endorsing cum shots among other things. I don’t know who stalked my Instagram account for a picture of me in a bikini and I also don’t know whether I should be flattered or insulted.

So, this asshole showed up at my door today asking for my father but he wasn't home and I tried to send the guy off. However, he was like really fucking persistent on catching up with him and then asked if my mom was home. She wasn't, either. -- and the funny thing here is, he didn't address her by her right name. He was asking for a complete different person and it’s really fucking sketchy, but I have a hunch.

I don’t know what is going on but suddenly I have a huge craving for bacon and pumpkin pie. Am I pregnant? 

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You're elected leader of the world the same day aliens land on the earth and say they're going to blow it up in two days. What do you do?

I was watching "Clifford the Big Red Dog" the other day and that got me thinking... How was he able to fit his mother's uterus?