#gas5

Where your eyes are supposed to be right now, I see white sandy beaches; and there's an ocean behind your head, and there are ghosts wandering in and out. I can't live like this. And I can't live- if something goes wrong in that surgery, I don't want any extraordinary measures taken to keep me alive. It's not what I want. I went crazy when Denny signed the DNR because I didn't understand. I didn't understand, but now I do, and I need you to understand. I don't want you to go crazy. I want you to have a brilliant career, and I hope that I get to be there for that, but if I can't, I.. I just want to go to the other side. I don't know what's there but it's got to be better than hospital beds and tubes down my throat. Please. Please don't cut LVADs. Just.. if it comes down to it, just let me go. And right now, kiss me. Please, please just kiss me and close your eyes because the beach is so distracting.

You were my husband and you slept with her. You are the reason that I wished her dead. You owe me this. You can lie to yourself all you want but I know you, I loved you once, and I know you care if she lives or dies.

You never know the biggest day of your life is the biggest day. Not until it's happening. You don't recognise the biggest day of your life; not until you're right in the middle of it. The day you commit to something or someone. The day you get your heart broken. The day you meet your soul mate. The day you realise there's not enough time because you wanna live forever. Those are the biggest days. The perfect days. You know?

I know you don't like me, and you have every right not to like me. I have abused my power, but now I'm here on your turf. What I need to say.. What I need to say is, I saw what your mother was doing. I saw how neglected you were; I saw her drive your father off. And I spent a lot of time beating myself up about that. But what does that do for you? Nothing. Nothing. I wasn't your advocate. I didn't fight for you. I never stood up for you. I let myself off the hook. I told myself I was young and didn't know any better. But I did know better; I wasn't much younger than you are now. I should have fought for you, Meredith, like you fought for that child today. I told myself that I wasn't your father, that it wasn't my responsibility, that I was right not to butt in. I let myself off the hook. You were helpless. You were a baby. A beautiful, smart, funny little girl, and no one stood up for you. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

I jumped in front of her. I knew, I knew I wasn't together. I knew I was no good for her, or for anyone. And I wrecked her. And that is unforgivable. I don't forgive myself for that. I can't forgive myself for that. And I feel shameful about that. That is what I feel today. Shame.

I've destroyed lives before, several in fact, and yours is not one of them. Now, I sent the woman you love out here to help you; I sent the woman who loves you out here to bring you back to your life. If you ruin it with her, that's on you. I don't accept it. You're scared, you're drunk, you don't know which way is up. You threw a punch at your best friend, you threw a ring at Meredith, and now you wanna throw me out. I'm not accepting it. Because I'm older than you and I've been where you are; you've been drunk for a few days, I was drunk for years. And I know you're gonna need at least one friend when you decide to come out of that hole you're digging.

No. You are not dumping this on me! You are not dying in my arms.

But, we countered, wouldn’t that reflect poorly on Meredith? Being best buds with an utterly irredeemable serial killer?? No it wouldn’t, insisted Shonda. Compassion is compassion. And as Jenna Bans pointed out in her wonderful episode last week – it’s a lot easier to have compassion for a sick person than for a serial killer.