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naruto men sexuality headcanons tierlist.

this post is about sexual relationships. !!! NSFT !!!

the categories are from prosopa insights, i didn't make them and they aren't scientific, just for fun. everything is explained below the line. written impromptu and not proofread.

whew with that out of the way, it's time to psychoanalyze these badboys.

quick rundown: the 4 primary categories (romantic, adventurous, dutiful, nurturing) describe a healthy range of sexuality. the 8 sub-categories (jealous, indulgent, obsessive, domineering, frigid, neurotic, hyper-sensitive, delusional) are unhealthy variants of their primary category.

ROMANTIC

The classic lover. Someone who sees sex as a thing of beauty, something to be enjoyed, or help their lover enjoy it. To them, sex is an expression of love for others, for beauty, and enjoying the finer things of life.

Rock Lee. Sex is either a loving, affectionate, fun endeavor or he'd rather not have it at all. This is a very earnest character. A romantic who beams with youthful passion and vitality, and while yes, it's important to expunge all that sexual energy, he would only do it in a warm, safe, loving context where he knows for sure the other party is thoroughly enjoying themselves. I imagine a lively, engaging time with him, lots of verbal affirmation and intentional, cautious soft touching that gradually evolves into more playful, more careless caressing and stroking as you both relax and get into the rythm of it. Related, definitely an enjoyer of showy displays of affection. Also I think he'd start out very standard-traditional but can basically adapt to anything that sounds pleasant and interesting. Very sweet with a dash of playfulness to keep things engaging. Standard romantic type, very perfect to start off this list with 'cause he raises a high bar, heh. Likely favorites: casual and/or gentle sex with some toys (hey, he wants to see the max of what you can handle and compare it with what he can handle! >:3); drunk sex would make him go wilder with kinky stuff (a bit more force, lots of affectionate and dirty talk, pinning you down, rubbing himself against you). Just know that he won't remember tf he was doing when he sobers up. Actually, don't tell him or at least leave out some details or he'll spend the next 3 days apologizing to you, being the endearing idiot that he is.

Minato. Let me start with: he's not romantic in the most conventional sense. I think he'd be a bit out of touch with normalcy, actually. But he's confident about what he's throwing at you, and he's trying his best to create a genuinely passionate, loving dynamic. So, when he traces his thumb over your lips and says borderline cryptic stuff like "wow, your pretty face is turning as red as a blood-stained blade", understand that he's trying to make the Romance(tm) happen. Because he cares. He cares enough to want to make you feel loved. And he knows that (1) good sex is when it's pleasurable and (2) good sex is when you get to bond with your lover. Yes, he has an objectives list in his head. Wooing you is a really fun strategy game to him. What do you like? You don't have to tell him, he'll figure it out anyway. Giving a few pointers from the get-go is probably a good idea though, otherwise he'll get quite creative about it (battlefield terminology as foreplay, oh he's so charming!). Cheers for being versatile and good at everything he does. Likely favorites: he's so good and creative with tools, there's no way he wouldn't want to use sex toys. I mean, he might end up making some himself, something that's tailored perfectly to your body which he so adores. If not that, fingering or rubbing/jacking you off. Just let him work his nimble fingers~

Hashirama. Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens~ One little smile and he'll leave you smitten. Was that too corny? Well, sorry but... that's just the beginning of it! He has enough love to drown the world, and he's coming at you with everything in his heart. I can imagine him being affectionately playful and even a bit cringe when it comes to terms of endearment (although he wouldn't think of it as cringe, but there are only so many variations of "my lovely sweet honey bunny meow meow" you can reasonably handle). A romantic who likes to take his sweet time (when he has it, it's probably not that often) setting everything up and getting you in the mood and making sure everything is just how you like it. Not only that, but he's open-minded and would occasionally surprise you, ahem, inapprioriate use of the Mokuton-- wait, who said that? And yes, he's sweet and loving, but as you'd expect, the god of shinobi is kind of a lot to handle when it comes down to it. Stamina for days, by the way. Not an exaggeration; his body keeps recovering at rapid speeds. Have fun. I mean, he sure wants you to! Also, I wanna add that I considered putting him in Nurturing, but then I realized, since he's a hardcore gambler, he loves the emotional high of indulging in high-adrenaline recreational activities, which would hint at quite the sexual appetite. So, he's here instead. Likely favorites: being very close, bodies touching and intertwining like coiling roots. Speaking of, he can definitely employ his Mokuton for some light suspension play. It's going to be a very long night and it can certainly help you stop shivering like a leaf in the wind due to all of the stimulation he so lovingly indulges you in. Proud enjoyer of creampies followed by eating it out of you; he always politely cleans up after himself. 😊

--- ROMANTIC JEALOUS

Excessive emotionality: neurotic, jealous, competitive, desires to be the best partner that their lover ever had, very intense. Uses sex as a supplement to their idealized relationship, straightforwardly seek it out, and lashes out if they don't get it.

Obito. He might be a bit of a dork in other areas, but when it comes to social and emotional intelligence? Cunning. He knows exactly what to do, where to touch you, what to say, the sort of dynamic that you want to play out, and he'll act it out for you. If he loves you, he'll learn to enjoy whatever you enjoy. Extremely passionate, lively, fiery before, during, and after sex. Emotions and sex are inextricably linked to him. And yeah, this is where things might go south. He's suffocating and volatile. Much like his emotional state, his sexual appetite is like a black hole that no amount of love you give can fill. Sex is a placeholder for the validation that he's desperate for but can't accept. He will seek it out again, and again, and again, and if you reject him, he will feel the extreme of it, like it's proof that you hate him. Because to him, it will look like even his best is not good enough, and it's genuinely soul-crushing to feel like such an unwanted loser. He tries to regulate and affirm himself through acts of passion, but that's obviously extremely taxing on his lover, and an unhealthy view on sex. For what it's worth, really good at sex, but nothing else surrounding relationships. Babe has an emotionally crippling personality disorder 😍. Likely favorites: please tell him what his favorites should be, he wants to be good for you, please please 🥺. He can be your daddydom, your bad boy, your puppy, your worshipper, whatever you want! I guess, in a way, roleplay is his shtick. Well, there is one other thing he really likes, and it's a power imbalance fantasy where you're at his mercy so he can claim you and have you be his forever and ever and ever, with no chance of escape. He's not telling you that, though.

--- ROMANTIC INDULGENT

Treat sex as food, alcohol and drugs - something that they should indulge in to the max because life is short. And sex is fun, so why not? Big appetite and want to try as much as possible. Obvious massive commitment issues.

Jiraiya. Jiraiya is the Dionysian man archetype, so it was kind of a no-brainer to place him here. Let's take a look at his hedonistic streak: being extremely inclined towards sex and easily swayed by sexual advances, peeping on babes, basically wasting mula on prostitutes, generally not being the best at managing expenses, all while not shying away from indulging in other luxuries. But yeah, as far as the sex goes, gramps is still full of virility, heh. He's here to have fun and he'll make sure that he does, damn it!! And you will too, probably. I mean, hopefully. For what it's worth, he will try to attend to your needs, though admittedly his would take priority. That is, unless he feels like showing off how good of a lover he can be, he likes to boast sometimes. I don't think he's a heartthrob, but he does have a charm about him and is socially-inclined, so I imagine a lot of verbal communication alongside all the physicality. The latter of which, of course, would take precedence regardless. Just don't expect him to stick around. Though if he likes you the first time, he might come visit you again some time down the line. To reminisce, y'know, have a chat, a drink or two… you get it. Likely favorites: old man's a selfish lover, so think any position where he gets served, like getting a blowjob or getting to fuck you silly in some scandalous position of his choice (the spread eagle, let's fucking go). Show him all of you, baby, he wants to see and to squeeze. Mm, wanna add a third so he can watch? ;)

Hidan. (tw: dark) I know, I know. The insanity of putting Hidan and 'romantic' in the same sentence. I know that many of you are screaming that he should be in Adventurous. But it doesn't feel right; that's a low emotionality quadrant. Hidan is expressive, he's open, he's full of emotion. Not loving emotion, but emotion nonetheless. If he feels it, you will know it. He obviously has no issue having fun, I mean, fuck, what else is there in life for him? Unlike for others, for him there is 0 risk in basically anything, so he can do whatever he wants. Hidan? More like hedon. So yeah, he'll have sex with you if he finds you interesting, after which you'll never see him again. But there's this little ditty: sex is one of those things that escalates, like drugs. Things that excited you, the more you have them, the less exciting they become, and you want to seek out new experiences to get the same high of novelty. Hidan has lived a long life, and far from a chaste one, so he's already in a pretty decadent state. So, to elaborate on just what sort of sex we're talking here… yeah, let's not mince words, he's into some fucked up shit. Have you really had sex if you haven't flayed someone's skin? You know, even men can have more than one hole if you're not squeamish about cleaving some flesh. Yeah. Only consolation is that he'd want to be on the receiving end of most of it, and since you can't hurt him in a way that matters, it won't end in a tragedy. He wouldn't mind switching roles, but please remember that with you on the receiving end, the stakes are much higher... Likely favorites: before I start throwing around terms like snuff how about we talk about what he doesn't like? Sweet love-making under candlelight. Can't stand that shit, it just doesn't do anything for him. Are you here to waste his time or something? Make him gag, bruise, choke, bleed, cry, scream all for the best orgasm he's had in his life. Yeah baby, that's the good shit. No aftercare needed, he doesn't even know what that is.

ADVENTUROUS

While still sexual, they're more emotionally distant. Their drive for sex is mostly raw, physical, sensual, not so much romantically inclined. They see sex as a sport or a game, it's less about sharing love and more about showing off or just indulging in mindless, simple, fun physical pleasure.

Naruto. Heck yeah! He shoots, he scores! Big Naruto win, you said yes! He's got such a boyish view on sex, like if a guy has it then he's super cool. And he wants to be cool, obviously. He wouldn't shut up about it, actually. Before sex: 'Wow, really, you and me, we can?!', 'Huh?! Of course I wanna, believe it!', 'So when are we gonna? When when when, I'm so excited!!' During sex: 'Does this feel good? Or this? Or this? Or that?', 'What else can we do, I wanna do more!', 'Ok, ok, I'm gonna stay still… Umm nevermind, I can't just do nothing!' After sex: 'Woah, that was so awesome! Let's do that again!!', 'When can I see you again, we will meet again right? Right?' Listen, it's difficult to contain himself when his heart is pounding and his palms are sweaty and his entire body is vibrating with excitement, ok!! He can't help it! He totally wants to get into it, like as soon as possible, like right now! You said it and he took it to heart and now he's not gonna find peace until it happens. Very lively in bed, lots of turning and changing positions and yapping (non-stop yapping, the sound of his voice is the majority of the noise). Gets loud but totally unintentionally, it's not like he wants your neighbors to know, but they will. Likely favorites: any position where he gets to both do and be done, like sixty-nine. He likes to be busy, give him something to touch, lick or squeeze! But also do the same for him, 'cause it feels super good! It's never just about one position though, he likes to go through the motions. Moving a lot is important for his hyperactive mind, heh, the more engaging the better! And hey, when you have an enthusiastic partner, even missionary can be incredibly fun!

Suigetsu. First thing's first: sex is not that big of a deal. It really ain't that deep. Well, it can be deep but, like, literally deep. None of this waxing poetics shit, y'know? He's as lax about sex as anything else, go get some if you want it, don't if you don't. shrug But if you do, make sure you get your fill of fun, otherwise the entire thing is kind of bullshit, waste of time, cringe, etcetc, isn't it? I'm not sure if he's exactly the 'you only live once' type, there might be some hard limits simply because he finds some feitshes too ridonkulous, too disgusting or too weird to actually engage in, but for the most part, he's leaning somewhere towards that. If you've got an idea, he's all ears, just tell him. He doesn't wanna miss out on the possibility of it being fun. Hey, who knows, it might become a favorite. The least he can do if you're already in his bed is extend a bit of trust to you as far as taste goes. He's quite witty, but also pretty damn straightforward. Like there are no intellectual games or beating around the bush, no masterplan of seduction required. So yeah, he'll mess around, try some fun stuff (hey, he's got an adventurous spirit!), but also won't really get emotionally attached or touchy-feely about it. Fuck him and set him free, it's what he wants. Likely favorites: hickies hehe, those sharp teeth can be put to very good use and it would make him feel so fucking cool to have marked someone (yea feeling cool during sex is important, ok!). Also definitely something with water. I don't know what exactly; like maybe he'd 'accidentally' splash your shirt so it clings to your body and shows off your natural curves/frame and, oh noee, you'd have to take it off, shucks. Something playful and teasing like that, heh.

Deidara. Was by far the most difficult to write. I don't know, maybe he's more obvious to some of you, but I felt like he was fighting me on every sentence lmao. I'm sorry if I wrote him way off but he felt like a boss battle and I wrote him last. Okay, there is a very particular dynamic that will play out: either you annoy him or he annoys you. Deliberately. This is like the mildest form of the enemies to lovers trope. Like, let me kiss you, but only to get you to shut the fuck up 'cause you're so damn annoying. Let me fuck you but just 'cause I want to put you in your place. Just sets him on fire, that's the good stuff. Yes, disagree with him, bicker back and forth, it's like foreplay. It's up to you which role you want to play, bratty or reactionary, he'll take on the other one as ultimately the appeal is in the dynamic itself. It's a bit performative but hey, all art is, hm. He just wants to have fun, to be honest. C'mon, do something entertaining, prod him, give him something to react to, or you'll force his hand to do something outrageous. Literally his hand, lol. Oi! His face is up here. Those mouths aren't for sex, they're for art, hm! Yeah, well so what that it bit you? Can't handle a little bite? Smh. And here he thought that he was the freak, but look at you. Likely favorites: arguing, teasing and lite verbal aggression amp up the sexual tension so good, more of that! Would eventually succumb to the idea of using his hand-mouths for pleasuring you, because damn if he's anything but not curious. Pleasantly surprised when he finds out he likes it, honestly elevated when he notices you absolutely fucking love it.

Kisame. Sex? Oh yeah, okay, he could do it. Been a while. So busy that the possibility slipped his mind entirely, can you believe that? But you're right, it's good to have fun and relax from time to time. I don't think it's entirely fair of me to put him into a high libido category, he's on the lower end of it (closer to Dutiful than anyone else in this tier), but archetypically Dutiful doesn't really work for him because he has more of a spirit to him, a bit of a kick, hah. And I don't think sex is that serious of an obligation to him. Like, really, sex is the hill you choose to die on? He'd find it a bit silly. There's already enough shit to wade through in the world, the smartest thing you can do is make recreational activities like sex a reprieve, not another obstacle in life. So yeah, he won't make any commitment that he doesn't want, and probably prefer short-term relations anyway due to the sort of life he leads. Stress-free zone. Sex is just a temporary fun activity before he has to go out and deal with the weight of the world again. Feel free to suggest any bright ideas you might have (he'll politely decline if he's not into it, don't worry). Oh, you didn't know he has two? It's okay, he can use just one, although the way you're looking at him makes him think you're interested in the former option. Likely favorites: double-penetration is very much so implied, but if not that then the, uh, normal suck and fuck is fine, thanks. Most I can imagine is him getting a bit rough, like again this is for stress-relief and you're basically his stress-ball. Sure, he can go faster and harder, slap your ass or deepthroat you for 5 seconds. You'll be fine. And thanks for the fun night, whatever your name was.

--- ADVENTUROUS OBSESSIVE

Deviant type. They are sexual, but not in a hedonistic, indulgent way. It's more in a focused mental sense, such as having a very specific fetish that's so prominent in their psyche it starts to take up too much mental space and inclines them to act on it.

Kabuto. This was originally the 'pervert' tier, but I modified it a bit. I'm not saying that Kabuto is a pervert, but I am saying that he is kind of a ~freak~. He was actually quite difficult to place, but then I thought of sex as a way of getting to know yourself, what you like, what sets your heart on fire, and I think that's an element of it that would subconsciously draw him in. I say subconsciously because introspection isn't his forte (as we know lol), he didn't even know it was something he yearned for. And no, he wouldn't lay himself bare before you (metaphorically or otherwise) but sex would stir a very personal, intimate side of himself. I don't think he would understand that this is exactly what keeps him coming back though, he'd try rationalize it with biology. Unless, of course, we're talking about him after he's already gone through his personal Samsara (shoutout to Itachi), in which case he'd be more aware of his own desires and figure it out. Also, he's probably the most experimental character, he would want to try all sorts of stuff, and is very likely to use jutsu inappropriately. He could get off on just seeing the effects and your reactions to them. Beware, his curiosity extends far. Likely favorites: bet he'd like to wear gloves, bet he'd like to 'inspect' you like a doctor looking over his patient, bet he'd like to get so fucking condescending if you soil the gloves, bet he'd love it if you grabbed at his arms as he progressively got more and more intense, adding a sensitizing jutsu or an aphrodisiac into the mix. I dunno, I feel like he'd be very 'invasive', like he wants to prod your insides. Well, at least you'll find out what sounding is.

--- ADVENTUROUS DOMINEERING

Treats sex as conquest, control and a show of force. It's not so much that sex is fun or sex is sport, but sex is control. Very emotionally closed off, they're here to conquer and dominate other people, and sex is just one of many tools in the arsenal.

Kakuzu. Coldest sexual encounter you'll ever have. He's like the daddydom trope jacked up to 100; powerful, tall, dominant and rich. And handsome, depending on who you ask. I don't think he cares about sex enough to actively seek it out, but I also don't see him outright rejecting a good offer if it crops up. But it will be on his terms, for as long as he wants, and in the way that he wants. I mean, those threads in his body are thick enough to be put to use in more unconventional, creative ways than just for fighting. Do you think he doesn't know that? Yeah, he'd pick up real fast on why you approached him with the offer to begin with, you can't seduce him that easily (or perhaps at all). Now I'm thinking about what sort of monetary exchange there would be (because there would be a monetary exchange). Does he pay you or do you pay him? Well, I guess it depends on what you want from the encounter. If you came to him asking about his 'sexy tentacles' (he didn't appreciate you calling them that), the dick's not free. Pay up. If, however, you let him indulge in what he wants, he'd be willing to part with his coin for a good service. Likely favorites: brat taming, just something so satisfying about it. I would say dirty talk but it's more like verbal abuse in his case. Hey, a man has gotta have outlets. Also, he's up for bondage, and probably some S&M stuff if he's in the mood to really get into it. 'Safe word'? Pfft, he doesn't know what you're talking about; you're here until he gets enough of you.

Madara. Not dick and not pussy, he goes hard for power. There is nothing hotter than a show of dominance and proof of might. And there's an important distinction: it doesn't count asserting yourself over weaklings. No, he wants to take the most powerful person he can find and make them submit to him. His equal or his better that he can put on their knees. Ouch, such a ruthless elitist, give him the best or fuck off. I'm pretty sure that's why his opinion on women wasn't all that favorable, they're just inherently nerfed, there's no satisfaction in overpowering someone who's already lower on the totem pole. Though, you're welcome to try and prove him wrong. He means it — fight back, try to take control, he dares you. Immerse him in the physicality of the situation, attack him (and no, not with kisses), he wants the full sensual experience and the ego-boost of having subdued someone with fire and strength in their heart. And oh yeah, he loves getting physical, just make it worth his time. I think that would be the lens through which sex would begin to interest him. If he can't get that, then he'd rather focus on grander goals. Caveat: his stance is a bit different if we're talking about Madara pre-Izuna's death. He'd be more amenable, more emotionally inclined, and would be closer to an example of the healthy Adventurous type; viewing sex as a fun sport. Like, spar with him, wrestle on the floor, trust the process and his hands will find the right place to touch. I mean, he'd still be attracted to a similar dynamic, but it wouldn't be so uncompromising. Likely favorites: fuck-fighting. His hand pins yours down, your legs straddle his thigh, you raise it up so you can reach what's in-between with ease. The more movement, the better. Just don't get tardy, don't stare too much at his twitching cock or he'll get self-conscious and you'll ruin the tempo (about the same shyness as having someone watch him pee in canon lmao). Somewhat of a sadomasochist, but within reason: biting, scratching, taunting, generally only lite violence. And I swear everyone always ignores his obvious masochistic tendencies, he fucking loves feeling the impact of someone's mark on him, the issue is being powerful enough to be able to leave it.

DUTIFUL

Don't have a strong natural interest in sex. Within a relationship, they see sex as their obligation to their partner, but it's not a big priority to them. Usually tend to be intellectually inclined instead of sexual or emotional. Basically, many other things take precedence before sex even enters their peripheral.

Kakashi. Wooo, sex! ... Just kidding, it's not all that. Despite all the smut he reads on company time (based), he doesn't actually remember the last time he messed around with another person. More of a right hand connoisseur, if you will. Anyway, sex is rarely in his crosshairs. And no, it's not because he takes care of his desires with porn. I think it's pretty obvious that the porn is partly for pleasure, but mostly for escapism. Unfortunately, being a trauma dumpster comes with a lot of nasty side effects like anhedonia, and yeah, it's quite difficult to get into it when you're haunted by ghosts of the past. Look at him masking his emotional hurt with humor. :) Of course he can have sex, but I don't see him as a particularly engaging lover or at least for the sex to be rather infrequent. In fact, I think he'd rather avoid making commitments. *sigh* Why can't he just go see a prostitute? Oh, he can? Well… uh… 😳 ... Yeah. We know that he gets all flustered and blushy when confronted with sexual topics, like he's out of his field. Even at his best, he's more of the intellectual type than the physical or passionate type. So, while technically he can... will he? Hm. Nah, he'd rather go back to Icha Icha. Likely favorites: pseudo-sex. Mutual masturbation is nice and quick enuf. Voyeurism can be fun, of course with permission. It's basically like porn anyway. He'd rather not be acknowledged directly, though. Like, don't stare lovingly into his eyes, even the mask won't be able to hide his blush. The mask stays on, by the way. Non-negotiable.

Shikamaru. In his mind, sex is a very simple 1+1 equation. He gives you what you want, and you give him what he wants. Ez. Oh, remember: it'd be cool if you could 'look' good together. When you're out where other people can see you, be decent, okay? If you look like a good couple, people will view the both of you favorably. It's just easy good boy/girl points. As for what happens behind closed doors, whatever you want, honestly. Unless it requires him to do too much work, then he'd grumble about it. He'd still probably do it, let's not kid ourselves. I mean, he's probably scared of upsetting you, especially if you have a temperament (which he loves if you do, in fact please do, someone needs to melt his icy layer of indifference). Watch him enjoy it in the end, anyway. You're behind the wheel most of the time, just tell him what makes you happy, and he'll make sure the two of you have a mutually beneficial, functioning relationship. As far he's concerned, that's a reward on its own. Since he's the type to go with the path of least resistance, you can pave the way the river flows. If you don't like what you get, then you weren't honest with your desires from the get-go, babe. So yeah, either he adapts to you, or you have vanilla sex. He would take initiative and use that brilliant mind of his on some special occasions, though. If he doesn't give you the most satisfying orgasm on White Day every year, then you can call him out on failing spectacularly. Likely favorites: here's a good one: he lies on his back and you straddle him on top until he's hard enough to sit on. That way he doesn't have to do anything but still gets off. Absolute perfection.

Neji. His view on sex goes somewhere along these lines: sex is part of the contract and he wants to uphold his end of the bargain. Which also probably means no sex outside of an established monogamous relationship, but I'm not sure to which degree this extends. Would he still be fine with other sexual acts besides penetration casually? Maybe, but if you come at him with these requests, then he will assume you want to change your last name to Hyuga eventually. If you want him, then please be proper about it and discuss the implication of this union. Understand that you are courting someone from a prestigious family, so are you sure that this is a responsibility you want and can handle? As you can imagine, it's never just about passion. Anyway, once you get into bed with him, you'll find that he leans traditional and safe, basically the tried and true combo of foreplay + missionary. He is considerate of what you like and would try his best to please you, but I think he'd be a slightly frigid lover (in fact, I had him in Frigid category before realizing he's not to that extreme). Not willing to try crazy, interesting stuff, and not even that sexually-inclined. The most adventurous he's willing to get is using his Byakugan to detect your erogenous areas. Respect is a big deal to him, so there will always be an air of distance between you. Acts that could be interpreted as objectification are insulting to him. He is a bit cold, which he can't change, but if nothing else he can assure you that you'll never feel like an afterthought to him because he takes you very seriously. Likely favorites: body exploration, and lite body worship. If you're his lover, he considers you very dear to him, so it's natural to him to want to show appreciation. He would like everything that is pleasant, quiet, and gentle: kissing, licking, caressing, hugging, whispering. Also, white or pastel lacy undergarments. He has an eye for elegance and tasteful embellishments so it would really be a visual treat to him.

Tobirama. Mark sexual intercourse on the calendar. You will be having it on the 20th, if the Daimyo does not unexpectedly whip up more documents to sort out the budget, in which case the scheduled intercourse will be happening on the 22nd at the earliest. As your lover, it is his duty to cater to your needs and desires, and he will unbegrudgingly do so. He signed up for it, after all. However, also as your lover, he is compelled to tell you that his obligation to you cannot interfere with his duties to the village. He hopes that you understand the hierarchy of priorities he has set out and why it has to be this way. Oh yeah, this guy's icy cold. I do have a bit more to add, though. While yes, he's not particularly sexually-inclined, he can get quite freaky. I can't overlook the fact that he was basically conducting morally dubious experimentation. Like, as a hobby, really. The implication of which is this: there's a lot of curiosity in him that he could bring to bed. If you don't like it, he's fine with having a very vanilla experience, but if you're up for something more engaging… well, he's read that having an outlet like that can be healthy. Still, prepare for sex to be a rare occurence in general. Likely favorites: orgasm control. He will have you wait weeks for a good fuck, then when he's finally in your arms (or you're in his), he will hit you with 'mm, you can hold it longer, can't you?' as he edges you just enough to almost get you to the point of release before withdrawing his cool hand from your body and watching you twitch and pant. Come to think of it, kind of a sadist. Also, gets creative using the shadow clones. How would you like to be fucked by two of him? Three?

--- DUTIFUL FRIGID

The ice queens (kings in this case lol). They're just not that interested in sex or emotion. They don't even really care about sex as a form of duty, at most it's an annoying obligation. These characters are very intellectual, so they're quick to rationalize and become disgusted by sex. Require very specific contexts to naturally feel inclined to engage in sexual activity.

Sasori. Not only does he have a stand-offish, aloof personality, but he lacks tactile perception, so sex wouldn't be that much of a worthwhile experience for him. Of course, his sight, hearing and (possibly) smell are there, so there is a way for him to enjoy some parts of the act. He doesn't have much interest in it, though. If he did, he wouldn't have turned himself into a doll to begin with. Though, while I think his libido is very low, something is there. Beauty and sex are interlinked, and the former is at the forefront of his priorities, so I'm thinking there has to be a reason for it. If nothing else, he is not blind to sexual appeal. I'm not sure how he'd express it, or perhaps he wouldn't. I doubt he'd use his creations for that purpose, because works of art aren't sex toys. You shouldn't soil masterpieces with bodily fluids. Speaking of masterpieces, since his body, too, is a work of art, I think his sexuality would be autoerotic. He'd get off on himself being perceived as ethereal. He's wants to see and hear affirmations of his desirability, but to also be just out of reach for his lover, like a god with a devoted worshipper. 'You can look, but you can't touch' sort of thing. What matters is that even though he's the object of desire, he's still in control. Likely favorites: lite crossdressing and worship, except he's the only one being worshipped. And don't touch him. Love him with your eyes and words. He didn't dress up for you to tear everything off, art isn't enjoyed in fragmented pieces. Also, body jewelry. Enchanting, of course, like everything else about him. For how secretive he is, sexually he really just wants to be beautiful and admired.

--- DUTIFUL NEUROTIC

The uppermost part of the dutiful quadrant, bordering on nurturing (hyper-sensitive). They're sensitive to the power exchange during sex, more easily worried by stuff, so there's too much going on in their heads to be able to actually enjoy sex. They're held back by their own trepidations and reservations. Might view sex as something dirty or beneath them.

Sasuke. I'm so glad this tier is called Neurotic because if I had to pick one word to describe Sasuke (or almost any Uchiha, for that matter), it would be exactly that. Sex is not straightforward with people like this. There are 'obstacles' that need to be overcome. Firstly, sex requires a lot of trust, and Sasuke is not one to give it freely. He's so high up on self-preservation scale that you might as well be an enemy until proven otherwise. Call it paranoia, but from his point of view he's being sensible. Secondly, sex is an intimate experience and intimacy feels invasive to him. He doesn't want you to know what he feels because feelings are a liability. Not only that, but they're often fleeting. He's aware of more things than he lets on; you think he doesn't know that those girls swooning over him were just chasing a short-lived high? Yeah, he knows. You wanting to fuck him means nothing to him. He's not even flattered. More wary, if anything. Does he view sex as beneath him? In a superficial way, he might. It's easy for him to look down on others for succumbing to their desires and feelings when he's built a fort around his own heart and can pretend it doesn't pertain to him. But here's something he doesn't want to admit: behind that fort lies a tender heart, keen and longing. What I'm trying to say is that good sex would absolutely wreck him. Tears in his eyes and tension in his muscles, staring at you like he's not really all there. It's just insanely difficult to get there because of how many defenses he puts up. Good luck if you think it's worth it. Likely favorites: merging his soul with yours so that a part of you forever lives in the very essence of who he is as a person, reframing the way he views the world as your worldview bleeds into his and he can no longer tell who he was before you. Also, biting. It helps him relieve tension, feel his own sense of agency, and grounds him in reality.

NURTURING

Cares less about sex and more about the cuddling and smooching prior or post coitus. They see sex as a way of connecting with and providing for their lover. Doesn't emphasize the raw libidinal aspects of sex but more-so the relational, emotional aspects. Has paternalistic energy. Very loving, but not exciting.

Iruka. Papa Iruka's home. I feel like this tier was made specifically for him. Big heart, soft disposition. More than any other character, he doesn't 'fuck', he 'makes love'. And it's important the way you phrase it, because it reflects the mentality behind the act. For him, sex is a genuinely tender act, like a wordless love confession. There's nothing ambiguous about him, you will know he desires you if he puts in that extra care and attention into things involving you. Well, he does that for everyone, but there will be an extra layer of care just for you. You will also know because he'll get flustered upon you reciprocating. Yep, he wears his heart on his sleeve, and it will definitely show during sex when the emotions are especially heightened. The type of person that will make the most basic acts feel deeply profound due to how much sincerity and warmth they're seeped with. You will be seen, and heard, and held, and loved, and he won't allow it to be any other way. Sex is never just for sex's sake, it's also for the emotional bonding, and for him to show you that, yep, he really, really, really likes you and even more than that, wants you very, very, very happy. Wholesome-maxxing every single day. I'm just sitting here, trying to think of like half a flaw that he could have… umm, the worst is that the passion might turn a bit stale. A bit boring. It's easy to love what serves you and it's even easier to take it for granted, I mean people get bored of the same old. It's up to you to spice it up because that's not something on his mind. Likely favorites: something sweet and nice and intimate and validating. Little moments of you gazing at each other that linger for a few seconds as he gently strokes your cheek before a deep kiss. Pillow talk afterwards is the best thing ever. <3

Yamato. He's such a good mix of by-the-book and adaptive. I think he's one of the healthiest characters when it comes to sex, and it's a bit weird to say that because of how messed up his backstory is. He's quite emotionally attuned by nature (I say this because it meant a lot to him to have positive emotional feedback from his team, meaning it's a priority). Just because he wasn't allowed to develop the skills for it, doesn't mean his natural inclinations went away, just suppressed. But I think this inherent tenderness would blossom up during particularly intimate moments such as during sex. You can modify behaviors but you can't change the core of who you are, after all. It doesn't have to be sex for him to gradually soften up, either. In fact, sex probably doesn't even make it to his top 10. He's happy to ocassionally indulge in it, especially if his lover wants it, but he's equally happy with just hand-holding or smooching, or staring into the sunset together if you'd prefer. Probably not as awkward as some might want to headcanon, but even if he does something wrong (which he'll try very hard not to), he'll be quick to react and fix it. I can't imagine him as anything other than attentive and considerate, but also lowkey. Like: wait, did anyone even know that Yamato has a lover? Likely favorites: he's so happy with just default vanilla stuff, he really doesn't need or want anything extra. As far as he's concerned, it's already a big privilege to be in bed with you. He likes your smile and the glint in your eye that informs him you're enjoying him, that's the best gift you can give him.

Itachi. One word: understated. The way he goes about romance and sex is contained like a quiet little stream. You need to go out of your way to scoop its water up. And only when you get close enough do you realize how deep of a wellspring it is, enough to drown in. Are you getting tired of his metaphors? Don't expect him to drop the lyrical language, he will never be explicit in either meaning of the word. But please don't misunderstand him, he's not dubious. Unlike most other intellectual types, he's very emotionally attuned. Being particularly sensitive and intuitive, he always knows what your desire of the night is, sometimes even before you do. He'll pick up on the smallest detail, like a playful glint in your eye, and use it to adapt to exactly what you wish. If you're feeling mischievous, he will tease you, booping you on the tip of your nose before kissing it, then falling victim to your contagious laughter. If you're feeling down, he will have you leaning against his shoulder as he traces a little heart over your back — as a little nonverbal confirmation that whatever happens, you will always have his love and support. If you're feeling horny, he would, as he'd say, 'stir a fire in your heart with indulgent passion' or maybe 'have you quiver and swell under him'. One thing stays consistent though: his touch is always gentle. In general, he's the type of person to give everything and take nothing back. And that's where his underbelly might show: he doesn't do well with reciprocation. You will never love him the way he loves you simply because he doesn't allow himself to be loved to that extent. You'd think he wants it to be one-sided. Likely favorites: he's a service top through and through. Loves coaxing reactions from you, seeing your face coil in pleasure and relief. It feels so good to serve the person he loves. Gets mesmerized by your body's responses such as twitches, tension, shivers, or winces, and ends up staring intensely before getting a bit self-conscious and looking away with flushed cheeks. Strong preference for gentle and loving acts, so no, he will not degrade or hurt you, even if you really, really want him to.

--- NURTURING HYPER-SENSITIVE

Philophobic. Fears love. Or in this case, fears sex. Emotionally might be interested in (or curious about) it, but behaviorally leans towards asexuality. Not necessarily put off by it, but fearful of and uneasy with the intimacy that comes with it.

Gaara. To be honest, he's still learning what healthy platonic interactions with others are, so for him to indulge in something even more complex, that is romantic and sexual relationships, is a very big step. And he's not really sure if he's ready for it. The fear is two-fold: he fears being seen to that degree, in a way that he hasn't been seen before, but also fears his own ability to hurt or disappoint his lover. He first needs to grow more comfortable with the idea. Please wait, like a grain of sand waits in the desert for the sun to rise. Oh, was that a bad metaphor? Sorry, he isn't very good at this. He just wants you to know that his affection is real, and he's not rejecting you because he doesn't feel for you, but rather because he feels too much and doesn't know if it won't spill out of him in improper ways. He's blind to the fact that you might actually want it to spill out that way, that it's the point. Perhaps if you can get him out of his shield of sand and crumble the armor underneath, immerse him in your passions, he'd like to find out what real desire feels like. Despite the cold start, he'll eventually match your intensity, like in that metaphor: the sun will warm the sand come morning. But first you have to let him into your world, as that will become the ultimate standard that his own sexuality develops around. And I say develops because that was not something he ruminated much about before, this is really new and really nerve-wracking for him. Likely favorites: umm… is holding hands while sweetly looking into your eyes okay? 😊 … Could you please trace your finger across his back again? … Could you please take control again; he loves how your fingers wrap around him? … Is it okay if he kisses your hand afterwards? … O-oh, the color of his cheeks could rival his crimson hair? … Yes, he leans towards submission, at least at first. The way you touch him will be the way he touches you. It's not that he's delicate but he's quite sentimental, so please play nice.

--- NURTURING DELUSIONAL

They're emotionally deep and they want to dive deeply into the ideal of relationships. However, unlike core Nurturing, instead of wanting to care for their partner, they're more self-centered - they just want to realize a perfect fantasy brought to life. They use sexual relations as a way of indulging themselves into this fantasy, as a temporary escape from reality.

Nagato. He lives most of his life in his head. Not only is he the strongly introverted type, a deeply traumatized man, but he's also not very physically mobile. A prisoner of his own thoughts, basically. Sex, like many things, is delulu land to him. He has a particular vision in his head of how he'd want it to play out, but he knows that it's literally impossible in his current state. For one, in his fantasies, he's not essentially bedridden. Being met with the prospect but not being able to act on it would make him grow even colder and more jaded, so he just... avoids it. Not to get too esoteric (although he totally would), he probably just transmutes his sexual energy into other things. But yeah, I don't think he's asexual. He probably fantasizes about it, once a moon, but as an alternate universe sort of thing, like what could have been but will never happen. Would change the topic or get dismissive if asked about it (he really doesn't need reminders on just how much was taken from him). Likely favorites: something like soft mommydom/daddydom stuff. If he's opening his cold, guarded heart to you, then he's also opening the side of himself that desperately wants to feel nurtured and loved. He would be soft and adoring with his lover, but would need to have that reciprocated tenfold. If you're a woman, he especially likes the idea of breastplay, softly squeezing and sucking, kneading your skin like a kitty. Would love to have his head caressed, and be referred to with affectionate petnames.

ASEXUAL

Characters that aren't interested in having sex.

Orochimaru. Sex sounds rather inane. He understands reproductive sex, but doesn't really understand recreative sex. It all sounds like a terrible waste of time. Even if it is for reproduction, he isn't interested in symbolic immortality through offspring, he wants the real deal. Of course, he is aware of the evolutionary drive, perhaps even more than the average person, yet he's also keenly aware that he himself lacks it. Sex just doesn't provide the type of stimulation that he enjoys, it's not intellectual enough. It's either for a personal power-trip or for bonding, and he's not drawn to either of those things. Admittedly, gestation is interesting, but that's a consequence of the act, not the act itself. Perhaps an artificial life form could be created using a similar principle of mitosis. Dear, are you sure you came asking the right person about sex? It's not something he's ever been interested in. Just know this: he's going to have a laugh if you try to seduce him, genuinely. You've misread him in a very pathetic way, it's like you don't know your target at all. Such a callous approach. Oh, but don't take it personally. We all make mistakes, it's just that we also have to suffer their consequences. Mockery is far from the worst thing you can experience. Now, about that artificial life form…

Zetsu. More interesting than I thought. Going to explain in a roundabout way. Traditionally, there are two androgyne archetypes: sexual and neuter. Sexual androgynes are highly sexed, with pronounced, overt primary sexual characteristics, breasted and bepenised (think Satan in Devilman Crybaby). Neuter androgynes are phenomenologically neutral: unbreasted (male chest) and unbepenised, that is to say, nothing is overt, it's all flat. I think he's a perfect example of the latter. An essentially sexless entity. A 'divine' androgyne. It makes sense, Zetsus don't need sex, they don't reproduce in the conventional sense. And while Zetsus do possess intellectual curiosity, I don't think it extends to sexual curiosity, because they don't have the capacity for emotion and therefore don't have libido. But I also don't think it'd be awkward to interact with Zetsu about sex, because it's such a blank: no shame, no ridicule, no risk, nothing. Come to think of it, I bet Zetsu asked Obito a lot about puberty when he was going through his personal boyish hell in that cave. I can already imagine Madara probably pretending to be asleep so he doesn't accidentally become a father figure to Obito by giving him the boy talk lol. Hey, Zetsu would've listened attentively to learn more about this 'hooman' stuff. But yeah, it's a literal alien life form trying to figure out the reproductive behaviors of the human species.

i did my best to base this on their canon personalities, but everything is still filtered through me. i especially put in an effort to write in the character's 'voice', so for example more jokes on the light-hearted personalities and more clinical jargon on the coldly logical types. also don't take this as definitive, it's totally okay to interpret these characters in other ways.

this took way longer than i thought it would, wow. definitely a mental exercise. but it was a lot of fun trying to figure out what the boys might be into.

also, i only wrote for characters that i personally like or are part of the main cast, but it still turned out to be way more work than i bargained for hah 😖

thank you for reading and i hope it was fun!

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