Stupid fucking Magecraft stupid fucking Baobhan-Sith stupid fucking get her out of here. She feels like she's been wandering forever. Of course it's always the Chaldea hallways, too. Always the ones covered in ice, can't even be the empty ones back at Novum Chaldea, or the ones from the old Chaldea before they got iced. Always has to be damn cold in here. Yako punches a wall and sighs, but keeps walking, hoping at some point she'll come across a door or something.
"Damn, when will you just give it a rest?"
Yako glances to her side, and sees another self walking beside her down this endless, empty hallway. She scoffs. "Finally! I was starting to get lonely. So, what, you're here to bother me until I break down emotionally and give up, like Aphrodite and Mnemosyne?"
"Woooow, straight A's! She can use that brain!" The smile on the other Yako is toothy and insincere. "And you know what? I cooould take it slow and gentle, but why don't we cut to the chase? You like it rough anyway, right?"
Before Yako can answer, she finds herself in the clinic. Asclepius throws a pile of papers at her, his face as cold as ever. "That's what the data says. You've burned out your magical circuits too badly to use magic anymore. Your Servants have been dismissed. It took all of my genius just to keep your idiot self alive, let alone conscious, so be grateful you're even standing here to hear the news."
Ah, hey, that's unfair. Yako takes the papers and stands up, tossing them in the trash as she goes. "So what? I still have…" …No, she doesn't. She reaches for her side, but Calesvol isn't there. "Nevermind. I gotta get going." She slams open the clinic door - to see Ritsu and Mash's waiting faces outside. "Uh, 'scuse--"
"Are you all right? You really pushed yourself in that last battle," Mash pipes up. "It was pretty reckless to do what you did."
"And what did I do, exactly?"
The Mash-alike pauses, searching her brain. Ritsu pipes up. "It was reckless and irresponsible." Their words cut right to the quick. "Yako, I just can't have you on my team if you're going to put everyone in danger like that again. Including yourself."
"…" Yako clenches her jaw. Not like they're never doing reckless shit themself. Have they forgotten about the gun that eats away at their life-force to function? --No, hang on, don't get worked up. It's a misery dream, remember. And they still haven't said what she's actually done… though she can fill in the blanks for herself.
Ritsu turns their back on her. "I didn't want things to turn out this way. I thought I could give you a chance, but clearly, I was mistaken."
"Hey, wait a--" Ritsu's already walking away. Yako reaches out a hand, but flinches back at the last minute. "Right… Illusion. It's not them. But… I guess… I can be pretty reckless."
"Damn right you are." Oh, now that's a familiar voice. Your worldbuilding is breaking down, buddy. Yako turns to look at Kama with a nonplussed expression. "I'm always cleaning up after you. And you know what? I'm damn tired of it. I didn't ask to be a Servant in the first place, then I get stuck with an idiot like you, and then I'm forced to be your fucking babysitter? It's torture."
…There's nothing she can say to that. It's completely true. As much as she hates it. Yako's hand curls into a fist, nails digging into her palm, her tail frustratedly swishing behind her. (Why is she getting so worked up? It's a fake. But… it's not like it's a lie.)
Kama glares at her with the fury of a god. "You act like a child, and then get frustrated when people treat you like one. Pick a fucking side. No wonder everyone thinks you're a hassle."
"Ouch."
"That's all you have to say? You're a selfish asshole, you know that?"
"…I'm sorry."
"It's like pulling teeth with you." The scene melts away again - no clinic, no hallway, just the bleached-white earth and its crumbling ruins. Kama grips Yako by the shirt collar. "Always 'sorry' at the last minute after nothing can be fixed, because you're too cowardly to apologize when it's actually useful. Always 'sorry' after you've been backed into a corner. Do you even hear yourself? Have you ever thought about another person besides yourself?" They shove Yako away, and turn away with a disgusted expression on their face. "Do you even care about me, or do you just want to use me like everyone else does?"
Yako opens her mouth, and closes it again. Will talking make it worse? Will not talking make it worse? "I-I do care. I really do! You're important to me! I didn't realize how much until you used up your name for me, and--- and I know I won't ever be able to repay you for that, and I was scared of losing you, and I just…"
"This isn't about you!" a thousand voices scream at once. Kama's gentle galaxies turn burning-bright and all-consuming. "…Deal with this shit yourself. I'm tired. Bye." With that, Kama rips open a hole in space and disappears.
And Yako is on her own, once again.
She brings herself to her feet and wanders around. Her heart feels like it's breaking. With every step, she feels further from herself, lost in her own thoughts again.
"Nobody listens to me," her voice echoes. She didn't say that. "Nobody tries to understand me. I mess up everything I do, no matter how hard I try. Especially if I'm trying not to mess up. Why won't everyone get off my back?"
"Who's there?! Stop reading my mind!" Yako whips around, looking for anyone else. "Shut up! Just shut up! I don't want to hear any more!"
"I don't want to hear that I'm not trying hard enough. I don't want to face the reality that I'm not. I don't want to face the truth."
"Please, stop! I don't… want to hear this anymore…" She covers her ears, her heart aching and throat tightening.
"Whenever people ask me why I want to be a hero…"
A figure steps out from behind a wall. It's… herself? "I answer, 'Because I want to help people!' But it's not true, not really. I want to be adored. I want people to think I'm cool. I feel like if I burn myself at both ends for other people, I'll be loved - because I don't really understand what real love is like. As much as I want to tell myself that I'm human, is it really true? Was I ever human to start with?"
"Shut up…" Her voice is breaking. "Shut up, shut up, I don't want to hear this anymore… I hate this. Why is it a bad thing if I want to be loved? I'm sorry I didn't get the handbook when I was born! I'm doing my best! I don't know how to do better!"
"Aww, I know." Her mirror's voice is so gentle. "Even if everyone gives up on you, I know you did the best you could." She can hear the sneer to it. "Don't worry, nobody's ever going to hear about your journey. Even if they do, they can't tell anyone, or you'll get hit with a Sealing Designation by the Mages Association faster than you can say 'Oops'. Nobody's going to know about the sacrifices you had to make or how hard you pushed yourself, or about your time in Tartarus's maze, or about how you were personally trained by several historical figures, yes, personally, don't you believe me? And nobody's going to know about all your mistakes, either. It'll all be just a dream come morning, and you'll wake up in your bed wondering what the hell to do with the rest of your life. Your parents will wonder why you don't just get a normal job like everyone else your age. Sure, they gave up on their dreams for you to strike it rich where they couldn't, but you could still make a modest living in a cubicle somewhere, right? It's not the worst way to live. You'd still be able to do some LARPing as a part-time hero in your spare time."
Yako sinks to her knees. Her mirror crouches down next to her and puts a hand on her shoulder. "So, really, it's in your best interest to call it quits now. It's a sunk-cost fallacy that's kept you in it this long. Ritsu doesn't need you. Mash definitely doesn't need you. Kama, Connla, and Cú Chulainn? They won't even remember you. Everyone can save the world without you. …If there's a world left to be saved, that is. I mean, it'd suck if you were doing all this and then were left with a bleached-white Earth and no future ahead of you, right? All those worlds and their people, that you just…" she snaps her fingers, "…out of existence. While they were sleeping, too! But, mhm, yep, Ritsu can definitely take the blame for you. It'll be like you weren't even there at all.
"So why keep going?"
…That's the real question, isn't it.
Are you waiting for an answer? Do you really want to hear it? Obviously, you already know everything! But…
"Move."
One foot in front of the other.
Yako stands back up. Slowly, deliberately. "…It's okay to hesitate. It's okay to be afraid. But don't stop." She steadies her breathing and lets her hands fall down to her sides. "Don't ever stop. Don't ever retreat. Don't ever go back. Wherever the living go, that's where Humanity goes."
Yeah. Okay. She can do this. She takes a deep breath in, and exhales slowly. "You know, this is one of the nicer mental manipulations I've been through. I mean, you're not trying to overwrite my personality, or erase my memories, just… make me give up. But the thing is, I'm just too dumb to know when to give up." She puts her hand out to her side… and feels someone holding it, though it's only for a moment. "You did give me some stuff to think about, so thanks for that. But you left out some other stuff, too. It's not just me and Ritsu out here. It's not just our Servants, either. Everyone in Chaldea is working together to save our world, and there's a lot of people in there way smarter than me. I know they can figure it out."
"But what if they can't?" her mirror laughs. "You've cried yourself to sleep thinking about it!"
"We will."
Her voice reverberates sharply across the dreamscape. The bleached-white surface begins to crack open; the structures around her start to crumble. Beyond her vision, a star shines bright. Her mirror regroups herself. "If you think things are going back to normal once you're done, you're only kidding yourself. There's no going back for you. The blood won't come off your hands. The stench won't leave your body. So why keep fighting?"
Yako pauses.
Yes, it's true that the blood will never come off her hands. She accepted that long ago - told herself never to turn away from the reality of her role. She's taken lives - human lives, when you include the Olympians - and stained her armor with their blood. She delights in battle, craves the sport of it, the moment when everything is on the line and her life flashes before her eyes. Someone trying to interrogate her fears should know better than anyone… "I already told you I'm too stupid to give up. I want to keep going as far as I can go. So long as I'm alive, I'll never stop walking towards that light… Towards my ideal. I'll never be a hero - I'll never even get close - but that doesn't mean I should stop trying to be one. No, it's because of that ideal that I've been able to make it this far, and while I'll keep going, and why I'll never, ever stop trying to reach it. The future I'm fighting for is one where even some nobody like me can have that chance - the chance to be better than they were yesterday."
The rumbling grows louder. Even the sky is crumbling. Everything is falling away as something cracks, cracks, breaks.
"…Well, I'll be damned." The scene finally falls away, the curtain closing on its actors. The one using Yako's voice mumbles to himself. "Were humans always this resilient?"
