#gamuchamisa

you and me,

just always, just forever,

and bright spring days

and never tiring of giving of ourselves,

just you and me

souls mangled, tear-wracked but laughing

yellow from harboured hopes,

hearts swollen, arms outstretched,

i have come to accept the fact 

that these scars on my arms

will always be there.

if you look closely you'd see.

if you looked at all

you'd know that this strength wanes,

that not having a place in the world takes a toll,

that these walls will sometimes crumble - 

but i have rebuilt them, 

shored it all up with kooky mannerisms,

and little sounds that punctuate the silences of this world,

and a constant mistrust of the future, and a little coldplay,

and some of the best fucking friends in this shat-up world:

people who understand, and don't judge,

people who accept the fact that

this me is good enough the way she is,

that she is better than that, and a hybrid of perfect-ish and learning,

that she is complex and random, and naive, and nervous and scared and slightly broken,

that she will never rhyme or be truly funny or truly whole

or truly beautiful in the ways that you understand.

i have come to accept the fact

that i deserve better than you,

that i deserve a little more kindness,

that this is me.

with hair a mess, in a t-shirt and hideous jacket,

in old trainers with no makeup on but dreams in the brown of my eyes,

this is me and 

i have come to accept the fact

that this me is a co-existence

and imposed ideas shaped a resilience in me:

oh, you're not quite African,

not quite the authentic Black,

not quite cool enough,

not really all that pretty

with your boyish airs and your retarded dress sense,

not really all that smart

because the science of everything mismatches the words in your heart

the words that spill from your tongue, your fingers,

words that are not good enough because your story isn't accessible,

and no one gives a shit,

because something about you isn't quite *adjective*,

maybe if your Shona was better,

maybe if you grew up in Mbare.

maybe you would make sense.

sorry to say:

I CAN'T FUCKING HELP MY CHILDHOOD,

AND I'M SICK OF APOLOGISING FOR IT.