#gaming garbage

Lotax uploading in the year of our lord 2021 got me like

Call of Duty: Warzone – A Battle Royale of Corporate Greed and Brain-Dead Bandwagon Jumping

You know what the world needed? Another battle royale game. I mean, with the likes of Fortnite, PUBG, and Apex Legends, it's not like we were already drowning in a sea of last-man-standing titles. And who better to bring us this fresh and innovative experience than the masterminds at Activision, a company that's about as in touch with their customers as a blindfolded lumberjack at a crowded dance party?

Call of Duty: Warzone is Activision's latest attempt to cash in on the success of others by slapping a shiny new coat of paint on a tired and overused concept. Congratulations, you've taken the mind-numbingly repetitive formula of "drop, loot, shoot" and turned it into a soulless cash cow, complete with the most aggressive microtransaction marketplace this side of Candy Crush.

Speaking of microtransactions, remember when you could earn cool stuff in-game by actually playing the game? Yeah, those days are long gone. In Warzone, you can spend your hard-earned money to buy overpriced skins and weapon blueprints that do little more than show off your lack of financial responsibility. But hey, at least you look good while getting sniped from 300 meters away by some kid who's probably playing on his mom's laptop.

Let's not forget that this is a Call of Duty game, and with that comes the usual war propaganda. Activision has seemingly made it their mission to crank out a new title every year, each one an opportunity to pander to a fanbase that apparently can't get enough of shooting vaguely foreign bad guys in the face. It's like they're allergic to original ideas and just keep recycling the same old tropes over and over again. But hey, if it ain't broke, don't fix it, right?

Despite all its flaws, Warzone does have one thing going for it: the game looks fantastic. The graphics are top-notch, and the map is huge and detailed. But that's like saying the Titanic was an impressive boat – it doesn't mean much when the whole thing is a disaster.

Hitman 3: The Catastrophe Chronicles

Welcome, brave souls, to my review of the catastrophe that is "Hitman 3." As the title suggests, it's the third installment in a series that has had its ups and downs, and this time we've reached a new low. Get ready to cringe, laugh, and wonder why anyone thought it was a good idea to release this monstrosity into the world.

You once again assume the role of Agent 47, a bald, barcoded, genetically-engineered assassin with the emotional range of a wet mop. Somehow, this bland protagonist has managed to score a third outing, and you're stuck with him for the duration of this misadventure.

The plot is a convoluted mess that tries to tie up the loose ends from the previous games, while also introducing enough new threads to make you want to pull your hair out. Spoiler alert: you won't care about any of it. The dialogue is laughable, the cutscenes are amateur hour, and the voice acting sounds like it was done by a bored high school drama club.

Hitman 3's AI is just as impressive, if by "impressive" you mean "more incompetent than a Roomba with a broken wheel." Enemies will conveniently ignore you if you're wearing a slightly different outfit, and their pathfinding skills would make even the most incompetent GPS system look like a genius. It's not uncommon for your targets to get stuck on furniture or endlessly loop around the same spot, making your job easier and far less interesting.

The game's level design is as uninspired as they come. It's as if the developers took the most generic action game tropes and mashed them together in a giant, unappetizing stew. Expect to trudge through countless warehouses, abandoned factories, and other locales that are just as drab and unmemorable as Agent 47 himself. The icing on the cake is the level where you infiltrate a costume party, only to realize every partygoer is wearing the same three outfits. Talk about creativity!

And let's not forget the weapons. The arsenal in Hitman 3 is as generic as it gets. Pistols, rifles, and shotguns – all of which you've used a thousand times before in other games. Oh, and they all sound like someone banging pots and pans together in their kitchen. The only "unique" weapon is the fiber wire, which, let's be honest, isn't exactly new to the series. Can you feel the excitement?

Graphically, Hitman 3 is about as cutting-edge as a butter knife. Textures are bland, character models are blocky, and animations are stiff and robotic. The game's "physics" are a joke, with bodies often ragdolling into absurd positions or clipping through walls. It's a visual trainwreck that makes you long for the days of 8-bit graphics.

Oh boy, where do I even begin with this steaming pile of mediocrity? Catland vs. Pounland Wars 2, the much-anticipated (and by much, I mean not at all) sequel to the first dumpster fire, is a perfect example of why some ideas should remain as late-night drunken musings and never see the light of day.

The plot, if you can even call it that, revolves around these two rival factions of anthropomorphic cats and dogs waging a pointless war over, I dunno, who gets to lick their own butts first? Honestly, I lost track of the so-called "story" about ten minutes in, and I'm pretty sure the creators did too.

The animation is so poorly done that I'm fairly certain it was outsourced to a kindergarten art class. I've seen better doodles on the margins of a high schooler's math homework. And the voice acting? Oh, the voice acting... I've heard more emotion in the automated voice of a GPS system.

Every post's hashtags: