#fymf

i feel like i have to be cautious what horror i reblog because i don’t wanna scare @somegirl8

you either die a fandom blog or live long enough to see yourself become an aesthetic blog

when you want a little perspective on how many steps you’ve taken.  turn around and look for a minute.  november 2015: i respect tyler.  i respect my mother.  giles.  i have recently spent time adding to my reasons for respecting my father because i didn't for a while.  it's just that it finally occured to me that that could be partially my fault too.  he only knows what he's been taught, same as anyone.  the most important part of his actions is his intention.  he sort of needs translating some of the time.  and some of his actions go against everything that is familiar to him, especially lately.  and i have a lot of respect for that because the lines that define the boundaries of your comfort zone are absolutely terrifying to cross.  but he's doing it and i'm very proud of him.  proud to be his daughter because if my father can rewire himself, or at least set to work on the task, then i also can.   i use indifference as armour.  but i've gotten a lot better at picking my battles.  choosing what needs attention.  defining the size of the issue.   i sort of feel like i'm only honest with people i trust.  i want to pride myself in always being upfront and candid but if i don't know you, i'm not honest or genuine with you.  i'm not sure which way i want to go with this just yet though. you know, i'm kind of ragey.  and some tiny ugly part of me wishes that i ruled the world so i could dole out punishment but that's not the part of me to which i want to give any attention.  that part of me is terrifying.  there's a tiny line that i have sworn to never cross again.  because it's really really hard to come back to the rational side.  tyler says everyone has that; it sounds to me like the story of the two wolves.  everyone has two wolves inside them - one is righteous and honest and honourable, the other is wicked and vindictive and spiteful.  the wolf that lives is the one you feed.  and i am making the decision to be kissed over bitten.   i have a hard time thinking positive first.  since i've progressively shut myself down over the last while, my knee-jerk thought goes straight to criticism when i meet someone or encounter something new.  i recently heard a phrase, "your first thought is what you've been conditioned to think.  your second thought is the one who defines who you are."  i've been telling myself this when i have a nasty thought come into my head because i really want it to be true.  lord do i want it to be true.   i don't know, i feel like i spend a lot of time trying to tell who is being genuine and who is putting on a show but it's so disconcerting when i see people who are genuinely enjoying themselves or having a good time and putting themselves out there.  i can't help but think "how are you not terrified?" and maybe they are.  so maybe i shouldn't be.  i just get so hopelessly awkward around people i don't know.   its difficult to show people who you are when you aren't sure.  and i used to be so calm and trusting about this process.  it didn't used to cause me shame.  there was never anything wrong with this before, what changed it?  when did this self-searching become so unacceptable?  and goddamnit, WHAT DO I LIKE?  what makes me burn?  it's been so long since i felt capable and adept and proud of how i spent my time.  i don't like telling people how my days go or how i spend my time at all, partially because other people do things and i don't.  part of me is waiting to be sure that people want me around.  literally just waiting for an invitation.  it's been too long since i've enjoyed what i do.  i mean, there've been moments.  tiny, short moments where i was glad.  but not to a sustainable level.   i think i need something that's just for me.  a class or a project or some similar outlet.  i'd love to learn how to ride a horse or a motorcycle.  to get better at driving a standard car.  to feel the thrill of mastering a skill again.   i think i need to go for a drive.  right now. epilogue: the drive was exactly what i needed.