If I Stay | Self Para | Future Week
Kendra had been in the hospital for about a week. After she’d finished crying in the lobby, she had walked back toward the operating room. She wasn’t sure whether her body was still undergoing procedure. Finally, Kendra was able to get the chance to peek in the room and see if she was still in there. She wasn’t. Although, Kendra was relieved her procedure was done, she now had the task of finding herself in the big hospital. She wandered around the hospital checking in every open door. Kendra was on the ICU floor because she figured, due to her injuries, that’s where she’d be. She had just finished looking inside a room with an elderly woman inside when Kendra heard a nurse coming toward a doctor who was walking in the hall. “Her family is here.” As soon as Kendra heard the word “family” and “her”, she knew they were talking about her. The doctor nodded his head and headed back down the hall. Kendra hesitated for a moment debating whether to go into the room the doctor emerged from or follow him. She wanted to see what she looked like but the thought of seeing her family overjoyed her. She just needed to know someone else was at least, okay.
The moment Kendra saw her family, her entire train of thought was crashed. She had expected her mother and father to look like they always did: her father whistling and relaxing and her mother happy and cheerful. Instead, a red, blotchy face replaced her mother’s normally sweet, fair face. Her father’s eyes were sad and his mouth was in a grim line. She wanted so bad to hold them and touch them. To let them know it’d be okay. To let them know they’d be okay. Kendra had come to the realization that she had to decide whether to leave this world or to merge with her physical body again and face the pain of the accident. Right now, she was at a crossroad. Her mother was sobbing as if there were no tomorrow as the doctor explained that “she might not make it” and it was “in her hands.” Kendra noticed her father’s eyes had teared up so she looked away. She couldn’t bear to see her dad cry. Instead she decided to leave. Kendra walked towards her mother and father and placed a gentle kiss on their cheeks even though she knew they couldn’t feel it. “I love you. And I’m sorry.” She whispered and headed back toward the ICU.
When Kendra stepped into her own hospital room, she didn’t look at her body. She wasn’t ready. She surveyed everything else that wouldn’t allow her eyes to accidently sweep across herself lying in the bed. She was scared. Eventually, Kendra mustered up the courage to look at herself. Her face had cuts and bruises, her eyes swollen. Kendra’s eyes moved to her legs. One was in a cast and the other was stitched and cut. Her arms were bruised and she was roadburned. Her gown wasn’t necessarily bloody but blood was seeping slightly through. She looked away. And as she did, her parents came in. Her mother ran up to her body, tissues in hand, and sobbed her eyes into Kendra’s neck as she embraced her body. “My poor baby.” Her mother kept muttering and gasping out. Her father merely held her hand but wouldn’t look at her face. Kendra was always a “daddy’s girl” and seeing the pain etched on his face killed her inside. Her parents stayed in the room. They spoke to her. Told her it’d be alright and they loved her. That they were proud of her. It was her mom who did the talking, though. Her father just grabbed her hand and nodded his head. After hours of they staying there, and hours of her mother bawling and talking and her father’s silence, the doctor said they had to leave. Her mother kissed her head and said she loved her and meant the world to her but Kendra’s father merely squeezed her hand. Kendra wished she could have felt that squeeze as she watched them walk out. Suddenly, her father came back in. He walked over to Kendra and hugged her. Even though he whispered it, Kendra heard what he told her bruised body. “It’s okay if you leave. I know it’d be painful to stay but please, don’t leave me. I’m not ready to lose you, yet.” And when he walked out, Kendra saw her father was crying. And that tore her apart. She brought her knees to her chest and mulled over her decision all night. By the time morning came, Kendra still hadn’t made a decision. And she didn’t want to.
Kendra went to the lobby and spent her day there. Hoping someone, a friend would visit her. Not one friend did. In fact, the only people who did visit her werer her parents.When it was time to go back to her room, she would get up and head to the door. When she reached the door and waited for someone to open it, Kendra would turn around hoped someone would be there. There was no one else. No one. No friends. Kendra’s eyes searched for someone. Chase, Ashton, Carter,  her best friend Sana, even Callie, whom she knew was in London for a movie, were people she searched for. No one again. And that left Kendra feeling worse than she ever had. Here she was, in a hospital, dying and on the brink of losing it all, and no one was there. It was like they didn’t care. And maybe they didn’t. Maybe they never liked her. Maybe they were happy she was dying. Hot, angry tears streamed down her face. It was funny that seeing none of her “friends” there hurt more than getting hit. And before she knew it, Kendra’s anger had turned to sadness. Her heart broke as she truly realized no one except her mother and father were there. Kendra had always felt that love heartbreak like the one she experienced with Carter when they broke it off for the last time was the worst kind. But nothing, nothing compared to having loneliness break your own heart. So Kendra finally decided she’d had enoough. At first, she tried to give them the benefit of the doubt that they didn’t know but after a week, it would be nearly impossible for them not to know. “Fine.” Kendra muttered. “If they don’t care, neither do I.” She marched up to her room. She’d made her decision. When she stepped inside the room, it felt like she was being ripped violently from where she was. In an instant, Kendra was in her body and felt every single pain known to the world. Her body was aching, her leg felt as if someone were constantly stabbing it, her arm was burning as was her throat, her lungs felt like they were being crushed, and her head felt like someone was ramming it against the wall. She tried screaming from the pain but no sound would escape. The pain was unbearable. But Kendra could think. Yes, despite the pain, she could think. She thought of her decision. Leaving would kill her parents but she knew they’d move on. It’d take some time, maybe years but they would move on. Honestly, Kendra saw no point in staying in a world where none of her friends cared enough to visit a dying friend. She didn’t blame them. She forgave them, in fact. So while lying in pain, Kendra broke her own heart with her thoughts. Giving one last breath, she slowly allowed herself to sink into the darkness. Right before it engulfed her, a face, a face she knew so well, appeared in her mind. And Kendra opened her eyes.
