#futurermt

7:02 pm, 6/10/2019

It has been more than a month since I wrote my last entry for this "writing series" that I created, and I was deliberating whether I should write about this certain person because I felt like I'm not ready to finally explain my side. Nope, I'm not pertaining to one of my exes but rather to the person who I used to call my bestfriend.

Bes,

Hi, I know know you're gonna think na nagdradrama nanaman ako hahaha but I just want to explain my side, talk about things that we choose to ignore and to say all the things I want to say.

Ghad, this is harder than I thought. Di ko alam kung saan ako magsisimula.

Can I just start by saying I honestly thought na ikaw na talaga yung magiging bestfriend ko forever? I know ang corny pero yeah totoo. Remember how we used to talk about our future plans when you said na gusto mo maging ganon din tayo sa tita mo tyaka bestfriend niya na hanggang ngayon eh sila parin ang magbestfriend and how we say na magiging successful tayo at magtratravel tayo together. We used to talk a lot about random things, I loved our conversations and how we sit in comfortable silence. Dati halos tumira ka na sa bahay namin hahaha, pumupunta ka don para lang matulog, it used to be your escape from your issues, I used to the person you run to whenever you feel sad. But I'm not anymore. And it makes me sad thinking that the friendship that we used to have isn't the same anymore, it slowly changed, hindi ko man lang napansin na andito na tayo, we are so apart from each other, to the point where I can't recognize you because of the distance, I lost my way back. Pagdilat ko isang araw, di na kita matanaw, sobrang magkalayo na pala tayo.

This has been in my drafts for a very long time. I used to write here everything that I wished I could say to people but I choose not to because I always held myself back whenever I'm angry or disappointed, I don't want to hurt people with my words just because I feel a strong emotion. But now, since lumipas naman na, I will publish some of them (yung mga walang mura🙊) because these words reflected what I felt and I'm learning to accept all parts of me including the ugly ones.

To whoever,

No one wins with you ano?

8:20 PM, 4/26/2019

Topic: Things that I have to let go.

I’m going to start this entry by listing the things I want to let go, wait, give me a second to actually think what I’m going to list. Okay, here it goes:

THINGS I HAVE TO LET GO:

1. My dream to become a Doctor

2. Becoming a published Author

3. My dream to travel

4. Fangirling

5. My Friends (some, p.s. wag kayo magalit if mag-name drop ako ha?)

6. You. (Yes you! You idiot!)

10:52 PM, 4/6/2019

Topic: What kept you awake at night?

I recently attended a seminar about Mental Health Awareness called Labyrinth and I learned a lot about how to deal with mental health, how you should handle it or how can you help other people who has issues. And I have realized what a terrible friend I am because I made numerous mistakes, I told the wrong things to my friends, it probably was my fault why they don’t share their problems with me because I wasn’t really the best adviser nor a listener. This thought kept me awake at night, am I really a terrible friend?

In the seminar they told us that you shouldn’t always bring up God and say that “don’t worry, God has a purpose” or “pray ka lang” because it is not always appropriate but of course me being uneducated had always told that to my friends, I thought I was bringing them closer to God, because I couldn’t do anything so maybe I should just leave it to him, since He is almighty as we know then it would be easy just to have faith and believe in Him but of course I am wrong, they said it’s good that you have something that you believe in but let’s face it not all people view God the way you do and maybe after sometime you may talk about God to your friends who is suffering from depression, anxiety etc. but not the moment they open up because it’s not always appropriate.

I always compare my problems to theirs, I know this was a huge mistake because we have our own individuality, our own strengths and weaknesses that what I deem easy and small isn’t always the same with my friends, every time that they say something about what bothers them that I may have encountered already I always say “Eh bat nung ako kinaya ko naman?” or “Yun lang? Yun lang problema mo?” (Heckkk just even writing about this makes me feel bad), you should never belittle other people’s problem, because the impact of such problems varies from people to people, I didn’t know it back then. I thought letting them know that I have suffered the way they do will make them feel better, apparently not always. When your friend starts opening up, remember that it’s about them not about you, let them talk, let them take their time to pour their hearts out, let them hear themselves and just listen.

Another thing I want to highlight is this phrase that my Gself instructor told us “doesn’t mean that if you don’t experience it it’s not true” (Hindi porket di nangyayare sayo, hindi na totoo). Huge is such an understatement when you describe the world, the universe rather to think that it revolves around you, I know it’s easy to get caught up in the moment, but in reality just like how the sun shines on the other side of the planet the other side is in darkness. This was a realization that I had a few years back but I never really thought that I will write something about this because I thought its insignificant because people will realize it soon anyways, but I think I need to become a catalyst, I need to tell people that the world is different now, there are certain things that you must be aware of, you must be sensitive to other people’s suffering because our greatest nightmare is slowly turning into reality. This is the truth, we cannot change the world, but we can make a difference. Empathy. Everyone knows about it but not everyone has it do you? I hope I do have it in me because if not then what am I here for?

I don’t know if my friends know this but I love them so much, every single one of them. That every night I lie in bed my mind keeps on reflecting on the things that I did, was it bad? Was I insensitive? Was I wrong? Should I apologize? Should I? I wanted to apologize to them because I wasn’t matured enough to listen to their problems, not courageous enough to actually be there for them. But I’m all better now, I promise. I’ve learned a lot, you can now share your problems with me again, do you still trust me? I hope you do.