His heart aches.
It throbs and it beats and it swells and he swears its taken on a life of its own, an existence with and without him because the happiness Cass feels is too much for his one body to hold. The past two weeks of his life have been filled with so many emotions, rushing and running to make sure that today was going to go great. Today, there would be no mistakes. No bungled seating assignments, no dresses that weren’t fitted on time. No missing rings, no latecomers, no excuse for a father stinking up the premises. For once, C.K. had been the farthest thing from Cass’s mind, the assurance that his mom and Matias would keep the living poison under control and off the premises more than enough for him to trust. Most importantly, his biggest fear about his wedding day hadn’t come true. At least, not yet.
Clasped as they are in front of him, one rough and scarred hand holding tight to the wrist of the other, he wills his hands to not sweat. To take strength by the solidity of the people in the pews, of his mother, legs crossed perfectly, sitting in the front row with a tissue box beside her. Of the lights, butter yellow support strewn through the rafters of the barn, of the light pink roses and their complimentary greenery on the rows of white chairs and the sturdy wooden floor. A wooden floor that his grandfather had slotted to the ground with his own hands, another sign of strength for him to lean on. The stormy blue of his suit was tailored to fit just right, but that doesn’t stop the slight anxiousness he feels from making the collar of his white button down seem a little too tight, the fall of his deep navy tie heavier than its actual weight. Eyes that mimic the ocean so beloved of the bride in question stare intently at the wide open barn doors, the beginning sounds of the song they’d chosen indicating the start of the wedding party, the only noise over a crowd who’d already quieted.
Carys and Matias round the corner, both of his best friends smiling and supportive. Carys’s dark curls hang loose over the pale green maid of honor dress, her arm looped in the other professors, hands hidden by her bouquet. She kisses his cheek before standing on the opposite side of the woven wreaths that indicate the altar, Matias clapping him on the back. As much as his eyes are seeing the rest of their bridal party come through the doors, their close friends and family, Cass’s mind briefly drifts, trying to not be overwhelmed by the warring surges of panic and happiness in his head.
It is to the day before that it goes, a conversation had at a gravestone Cass hadn’t visited since the day. The name carved deep into it was underscored with a length of time that was heartbreakingly short, and it was a place that Amy had visited herself, long months ago. A little more than a year to the day. He’d squatted by it, cleared his throat, fastened his eyes on the fall grass and dirt and tried to talk to Brooks Sullivan like he was talking to a friend. Hey, man. I would ask you how it’s going, but. I’m not so sure that’s an answer I want to get. Emotions, warring in his chest, the humorous tendencies desperate to lighten the situation. The slight twinge of guilt that he hadn’t felt in a number of months, of the future that could’ve been. The way life might’ve been supposed to go. The way it never would. I know. I know she was supposed to be yours. And she was, which was the truth of the matter. Brooks had greater claim to her that Cass had had for a while, an entire future that Cass could never have been apart of. He could’ve returned, all those years ago, and met not Amy Taylor at the fence of one of his pastures. He could’ve met Amy Sullivan, and it’s only by the play of fate that it brought them to this day.
You were pretty damn stubborn in the beginning there, with your hold on her. I couldn’t let her stay like that, man. I couldn’t. I just thought fifteen years was too long. I know you were planning to be in the place I am now. With Amy, marrying her. Making a life with her. He’d never know a life where Amelia Taylor wasn’t an important part of his life, and that was how Cass wanted it. He’d fallen for her in little ways and then big ways, an uncontrollable eventuality that the blonde had soon enough grasped with both hands. He had long since said goodbye to the futures that could’ve been, instead looking forward to one that had come together by accident. A life with the woman whose darkness, in turns, tended to match his own.
The blades of grass he had in his hands were torn to shreds by the time he was done, but it was no matter. Cass would stay until he said his piece. But yours went a different direction, and she was stuck so long there, still loving you... She'll never stop. I hope you know that. But I'm...y'know. Alive. And I love her more than I've loved anyone. Ever. And I will for the rest of my life. So if you could give me your blessing, I’d appreciate it. Cass had shared more words with the ghost that had held Amy’s heart for so long, and would always have the eighteen year old girl that lost him, but those would stay in between the two of them and the mid October mist.
No, now was meant for Cass to forget how to breathe, the deep smokey purple-blue-green of the teardrop Alexandrite engagement ring he’d agonized over winking at him first, a hand tucking a loose curl behind an ear. And then it is Russell Taylor, leading her down, immediately fading to the foreground when his gorgeous daughter comes into the full light.
Amy, his Amelia, was....everything. A vision, his happiness and future coming towards him in the palest pink tulle, banded a bit under the bust. Lace flowers hide behind the straps of the v that it forms and dive liberally down the waist the skirt, the way the fabric brushes the ground make it seem like she’s floating. Or maybe that’s just Cass, caught between gazing upon his girlfriend, his fiancee, his soon to be wife and the love of his life, blue eyes threatening every second that passed to tear up. Hair he’d buried his face into time and again was tucked into a loose bun, and the dimples were out in full force, Amy’s hazel hues bright on him. Seeing her does more than make him want to drop to his knees and thank her for marrying for him, it sends scurrying away, never to return, his deepest and most suppressed fear for this day; that she would run. She would panic, she would leave, and his life would never be the same again. Except Amy wasn’t. She wasn’t running in directions he could never be able to follow; instead, to his great joy, she was walking towards him. Towards him, and a future that would hold the two of them and the flare of life that rested as their little secret in her tummy.
She makes it to his side, and Cass takes her hand all too willingly from her fathers, unable to resist tugging her to him so he can plant the smallest and sweetest kiss on her lips. “You look beautiful.” He whispers to her, and it can’t possible contain all the ways that Amy’s his entire world, but the emotion in those words try.
Their officiant coughs and tells them that’s for after the vows, and the crowd chuckles. Cass doesn’t let go of her hand for any of the opening remarks, the ranch and B & B owner trying to commit every last second of this to memory. Could he really be up here? Hand in hand with Amy, preparing to make a permanent, lifelong commitment in front of all their friends and family? The next member of their family, a surprise gift with them, a squeeze on his palm from her much smaller one as the officiant speaks of promises of love? If this was a dream, never wake Cass up. He didn’t want to live in a world where this wasn’t his life. He’s so dizzyingly happy that it’s almost like a dream, a haze that he doesn’t come out of until it’s Amy’s time to make him promises. Promises and love that he holds close to him, wishing almost that he could tattoo them on his heart in ink the way they already were on his spirit. And then it is his turn, it’s Cass’s move, and all his worries about not being able to tell her in good enough words dissolves. He takes her other hand in his, and tugs her forward, that gorgeous dress swishing softly on the cleaned-til-it-shined wood floors, her hazel eyes tipped up to his his as she smiles, and Cass’s heart ceases to be an organ and becomes a sun. Shining for Amy and Amy alone. His heart is what speaks through his full lips, surrounded by the gold tipped beard Amy so loved, and everyone present can feel it.
“Amelia, Grace, Taylor. Since you became a part of my heart and my life, I have learned new meanings of what happiness is. I have had to change each moment I’d chalked up to the best of my life because you like to keep replacing them with better ones, today being no exception.” It’s any wonder that Cass can speak around the beaming smile on his face, but he manages without an iota of trouble. On some level, he knows that they’re still surrounded by their friends and family, several members sniffling or full out crying, but his brilliant blues are trained on Amy. Not a surprise there - she always had a way of holding his attention even if she wasn’t in the room.
“You are the answer to the parts of me I didn’t even know were questions. You are the only person I want at my side through life’s trials and struggles. You make me smile when my heart thinks its too heavy, you make me laugh in all the unexpected ways I love. You have given me a second chance, at you, at life, at a future that I’ve always wanted but couldn’t picture without you. My heart found not what it was missing, but what it needed when you came back into my life. I want you to be my girl, and I to be your man, for as long as we both have left.”
“You are also, and baby I say this with love, one of the most stubborn people I’ve ever met.” A rumble of amusement goes through the audience, but Cass barely hears it. His eyes are focused on Amy’s and he doesn’t want to look a single place else. “You like to make plans, even though you say life always ruins them. You stand up for yourself and those you care about like the lioness you are, inside and out. You hold my heart on your good days and your bad. I don’t love you despite your flaws and shortcomings, I love you because and with them. I couldn’t be more grateful for you sticking around with my own.”
“I want you call you Mine for the rest of our lives. I want to hold your hand, to see your dimples appear when you smile, to lift you up and make sure you achieve all your dreams. I want to be with the person you are, the person you’ll become, and the person you’ll be.”
Turning for a moment only to take the small rose gold garland from Matias, Cass clears his throat to stave off the moisture in his eyes, returning to face her with her hands in his. “I’m under no such illusions that I deserve you. I don’t, but I promise one day, that I will. I promise to every day be the kind of man that deserves to have a woman, a wife in his life as wonderful as you. I promise to always be a willing ear, a steady partner, a best friend. Once, we made a promise to each other. I would always be there for you, and you would never leave me. It’s time to make it come true, baby.”
Amy’s hands are the most precious thing in the world, the thirty three year old unable to stop staring in wonder when he slides it on her finger and it stays there; it not only stays there, it winks at him in the light when she squeezes his hands right back, the gentle raspy voice he wanted to hear forever telling him promises that he’d remember always. He tells her ‘I do’ right back (of course he would, how could he not, he would’ve said days, weeks, months ago, and would be saying it until he lost the power to speak), and they kiss amidst the cheering of everyone who cares about him.
Mason gets too drunk at the reception, C.K. tries to make it onto the grounds, and one of the main courses got mysteriously lost, but neither Cass or Amy notice. It was perfectly imperfect, much like they were, and their story, and they are happy. They are together. And with their future hiding under the tulle of Amy’s dress, their lips pressed together the way only lifelong lovers would, it shines brightly for them both.
