#future loss

She’s been fighting cancer for 2.5 years but she was mostly fine. She collapsed at work very suddenly and things have just been going downhill.

She got her second brain tumor surgery and it went fine. But then she started having trouble with her oxygenation. They have no idea what is causing it and nothing has worked.

She’s dying and we can’t do anything about it. I feel helpless, and angry, and scared, and incredibly sad.

She’s not dead yet but I already can’t stop crying every time I think about her. We’ve always been close. She didn’t have any kids, and she was like another mom to me. I don’t know how to do this. How am I supposed to go see a movie without my movie buddy, or go shopping for things I don’t need without her? How am I supposed to tell her friends? I know I’m not alone, and the rest of my family is here for me, but I don’t want to burden them with my feelings on top of theirs. We all have enough of our own grief.

We had to tell my brother over the phone. He’s been away at boot camp and he was completely blindsided. He was devastated and it make the situation seem even more real. I think reality is really setting in for me. I’ve been in denial that she’s dying for a while.

I keep praying for a miracle, that she’ll start getting better and be with us a little longer. It isn’t fair. A little over a month ago she was totally fine, we were making lunch plans and other normal stuff. Then just boom. This.

My mom said she was scared when they intubated her, that she was really afraid to die. I don’t want those to be the last thing she experienced. I want her to have more happiness, to go see a movie together in theaters again, to see me graduate nursing school and my cousin get married and all the other great things that are ahead, but I don’t think she will.

I’m worried that her dying will kill my grandmother. They live together and losing her daughter will be horrific. She’s been so strong but I know her heart is breaking.

I know we can all die at anytime but death sucks. It’s horrifying. It destroys everyone around it, forcing change that no one can be ready for.

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