#funkasaurus

The Funkasaurus' Favorite Teams

One half of Tons of Funk, Brodus Clay lists, in no particular order, five tag teams he loved to watch as a young Funkasaurus.

1. The Colossal Connection

2. The Islanders

3. The Faces of Fear

4. The British Bulldogs

5. The Hart Foundation

Through my many travels throughout Western Papa New Guinea I have encountered many a travelling bard. All of whom, through their sweet serenades have lured me to sleep (or into their beds). However, though skilled, all tip their hats to the greatest bard of all. Some see him as merely a songbird for generations of men and goats, however others see him as something much more.

“He touches my soul” says Jugwenday Manishiba from Ballyboughal, County Dublin, speaking to me at the back of the smoky bar at an undisclosed location. “His swagalicious melodies awaken a part of me that has been long hidden from me and my last six psychiatrists.” Manishiba holds his head in his hands as he speaks of his past desires to contact the Funkasaurus O’Donnelll (aka Swaghomesmcg). “I called his house twenty three times. I got the address from his parole officer, and proceeded to his house...” Manishiba pauses, tearing up before continuing. “I entered through the unlocked front door and was greeted by his group of adoring female followers, the O’Donnesses. I was treated to the finest wines and Frasier memorabilia, until the Funkasaurus returned home. Seeing me, an intruder in his home, he screamed at me, accusing me of being some crazy man! Some “lunatic” who must have been“high or something...”. With this Manishiba began to burst into floods of tears. “THE ONLY THING I WAS HIGH ON WAS HIS BEAUTY”

Jugwenday Manishiba was never the same after these events, damaged by his traumatic encounter with Swaghomesmcg in such unfathomable ways.

But what turns a simple 38 year old, Ballboughal local butcher/bard/priest/crimefighter into an obsessive and mentally unstable stalker obsessed with Daniel “O’ Donny” D. Donnell? Was it truly the work of the SwagHomesMcG, visonary far beyond his years? Or was it the “man” himself?

I investigated this further, with my travels in Western Papa New Guinea, bringing me to a dark and eerie place, a McDonald’s which only serves the bread parts of the burger.

Here I met, Ringo Starr (best known for his solo albums, occasional touring drumming for Status Quo and his work on Selena Gomez and the Technicolor Municipal Building as understudy to Justin Bieber) who told me stories of his brief entails with the Funkasaurus, who he simply referred to as “The Man”. “I first met The Man when I was a roadie for this band called Men At Work. They were just a group of 17 young lads at the time who played one massive trombone. Anyway, they were supporting The Man you see, but you could tell the crowd was there to see Funkasaurus and the Funkasaurus only. They booed the kids off stage after their first two hour trombone solo! However the man was having none of this and subsequently busted out onto the stage and told the crowd to shut up before played an amazing sax solo of his own on the trombone, before leaving.”

Ringo smiled as he took a bite out of his massive McBun. “The crazy thing was, he did this while brushing his teeth.”

After listening to Ringo’s stories for about seven or so hours in utter amazement, I concluded that they were rubbish and left him.

However, Ringo did give me a few leads on where to continue my quest to track down the legendary Danny O’D. My first course of action led me to Men At Work, who were luckily playing a small R&B/Hip-Hop fesitval four miles down the road at the Rosie O’Donnell (no relation) Jazz Club under a new name, simply titled “O’D’s boyz”. As they busted out their sick Daniel O’ Donnell themed rhymes and beats I could see that these 15 (two of the members had died since Ringo’s day of one massive shared kidney stone) men, were touched by SwagHomesMcG in a much more positive way then poor Manishiba.

I used my journalistic pass to get backstage and meet with one of the three main vocalists of the group, who was with his wife at this time. Though she contributed to this interview segment, she wishes to remain anonymous.

An English man in his mid seventies, Lu Feng and his wife (let’s call her Mrs. Jessie Carter Address: 42 Evergreen Falls, Midtown Drive, West

Virginia, Telephone Contact Number 04178644) were both influenced heavily by Daniel’s earlier bardic serenades. They were both in fact conceived, born, graduated and married to one of O’ Donnell’s fifty five year long epics.

Lu Feng went on to tell me how O’ Donnell took his band under his wing, mentoring them and helping them create the genre of Extreme Hippity Hop Hip Hop Rap. He even told me that he still keeps up with Danny O’D. “Yeah we still keep in touch. In fact last week we met up at this field. Started jamming and yknow what...? That field turned out to be Glastonbury.” After much begging and pleading on my part, the aged singer finally gave me Daniel O’ Donnell’s current whereabouts.

SwagHomesMcG had for the past twenty years been missing (presumed floating in space) but in reality he had retreated from the world and its pressures to the bardic guild, where one would hone ones skills, train in the swaggalicious arts and immerse oneself in the baskable glow of the amazing solid gold statues of great bards long forgotten by the wider world.

After a seven hour flight, six hour camel ride and twelve minute toilet break I finally arrived at the bardic guild. At the entrance of the Temple of Sonicaticity, I was met by two fearsome guards. At first they refused me entry, spraying profanities at me and shouting “I PITY DA FOO’ WHO WANNA SEE SWAGHOMESMCG!”, “I IS GONNA BREAK YO FACE, STRAIGHT UP!” and “I HAVE UNRESOLVED PARENTAL ISSUES”. However, I performed a rendition of One Direction’s ‘I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)’, distracting them so I could pass by stealthily. Before entering the temple I hurriedly snapped a photo of one of the guards...

Upon entering the temple I saw many a golden statue of great bards long forgotten (The Ting Tings, The Guy From The Wimax Ad, Crazy Frog) and many a sight I cannot bring myself to speak of. I journeyed through the musical maze that was the learning place of all great bards, until I finally reached it: The SwagHomesMcLair.

Stepping inside I was swiftly kicked in the face by a mysterious figure. “What in the hell be you doin’ up in this shnizzledizzle?!” boomed the mysterious figure. At this moment I realized this was him. My search was over. I had found the great Daniel O’Donnell. I quickly explained my reasons for being there. Throughout my story he nodded approvingly, and when I stopped talking he gave me an offer. He offered to answer one and ONLY one of my many questions. I chose to ask, voice quivering and almost overcome with excitement, “can I haz yo picture?”.

So, my quest to find him has ended. My journey took me across the world, from the highest mountain to the lowest mountain (I mean, if you were a Funkasaurus you’d live on a mountain, right? Well that was my logic...) and I have been away from home for over three years. In light of my recent adventures I am left with only one piece of wise wisdom from “Wee Daniel”, and the single most fantabulous photograph since that photograph of sliced bread.

So in the words of Daniel O’Donnell: