#fully translated

　闇の森で、服だけ溶かすと言う妙に合理的な粘液を出すいやらしい触手を持つスライムの様なモンスターに襲われて、これまたご都合主義な事に媚薬入りっぽい粘液を出され、おっぱいやら下の割れ目やらをにゅるにゅるされて気持ち良くなって来てあんあん言っていた所に、金髪碧眼の王子が助けに来た所で俺は確信した。

In the dark forest, I was attacked by a slime-like monster with an obscene tentacle that delivers a reasonable mucus which only melted my clothes. This mucus, for some reason, also acted as an aphrodisiac. The spot between my breasts and below bore fruit to a good feeling. I had a feeling that the nearing blonde hair blue-eyed prince was going to help me. 

―――コレは「白雪姫と7人の恋人」だ…。

―――This is 「Snow White and the Seven Lovers」. It is…。

　思い出した、思い出したぞ…！！

I remember, I remembered...!!

　前世で姉ちゃんがやってたのを見たゲームだからな…！！

It's the game that I watched my older sister play in my past life...!!

　リビングでキャーキャー黄色い声を上げながらこのゲームをプレイしてる姉を、俺は一体何度冷たい目で眺めて来た事だろうか。

I often watched my older sister play this game in the living room with a loud voice. Something about sexual encounters and cold gazes, I think.

(T/N: I just made up that last sentence. Not sure what the sister was trying to say. Must be something close to those lines.)

「大丈夫かい、君」

「Are you OK?」

「あ…あぅ」

「Ah…Oh.」

「これは酷い、すっかり毒に犯されている。すぐに助けてあげるからね」

「This is terrible, you've definitely been poisoned. I'll help you soon.」

　ちょっと待て。

Wait a minute。

　なんで俺のおっぱいちゅうちゅう吸ってんの、この王子。

Why are you sucking my breasts? Unn. This prince.

「やぁぁっ、な、何をしてるんですかぁ…？」

「 Hey, what are you doing …？」

「私の名前はアミール・カレロッソ・アロルド・アルチバルド・フォン・リゲルブルク。怪しい者ではない、隣国の王太子だよ。――…ごめんね、悪いとは思うんだけど……このスライム毒は、女性器に男根ペニスを挿入して、精液を出さなければどんどん疼きが悪化して行き、最悪、高熱で死亡してしまうんだ」

「My name is Amir Carlos Arnold Archibald von Ridelberg. I’m not a suspicious person. I’m the prince of the neighbouring country. ――…Sorry, I think this situation is bad. This slime poison can only be cured by male penetration. If not, the pain gets worse and worse. Eventually, you’ll die from a high fever.」

「そんな…！！」

「Such a…！！」

　なんてご都合主義な乙女ゲー！？

What a disgraceful otome game！？

―――って、ちょっと待て。

―――Wait a moment.

（まさか、これは18禁バージョンの方ですか…？）

(No way, this is the R18 version...?)

　俺の背筋を冷たいモノが流れる。

I felt a chill run down my spine.

　そう言えば姉は言っていた。――…早く家を出て、18禁バージョンの「白雪姫と7人の恋人」をやりたいと。

From what I recall――…My older sister wanted to move out of the house soon because she wanted to play the R18 version of 「Snow White and the 7 Lovers」.

　俺は（頭の沸いた）姉の言っていた恐ろしい言葉の数々を思い出した。

My head hurts. I was remembering a lot of horrible words that my sister said.

　18禁バージョンのこのゲームは、OPでメインヒーローの王子様に出会い頭に青姦されるそうだ。お次に銀縁眼鏡の鬼畜宰相に麻縄で縛られお仕置きプレイをされ、それで心身ともに傷付いたヒロインはワンコ系の騎士に慰められ、元気を取り戻したと思ったらそいつには気絶しても犯され続け、――…ちょっと待て。

In the R18 version of this game, the heroine will have a sexual encounter with the prince in the opening. Next, she’ll be tied up with a rope of hemp by the devastated bespectacled Clan Chief as punishment. Then, the physically and mentally injured heroine will be consoled by a dog-like knight. He’ll continue even after she’s fainted.

(T/N: wanko = dog-like/pet-like)

（これってもう18禁バージョンの王子の青姦部分に突入してるー！？）

(It’s already rushing towards the scene where the young prince’s part in the R18 version!?)

　女の子ともまだヤった事ないのに、初めての相手が男で青姦とかねぇわ！！ふざけんな！！

Even though I haven’t been with a girl before, my first time will be with a cunning, blue-eyed man! Are you kidding?!

「で、でも無理です、私、初めてなんです…！！」

「But, this is impossible, my, this is my first time…！！」

「安心しておくれ、私も初めてだ」

「Please be relieved, me too.」

―――そういう問題じゃねーよ！！このボケナス！！

―――That’s not the problem！！This egg head！！

(T/N: This egg head = kono boke nasu.)

　必死に王子の胸板を押し返すと、彼はその甘いマスクに苦渋の色を深めた。

I desperately pushed back the prince’s chest. His sweet mask turned bitter as his lust intensified. 

「私はあなたの様な美しい女性がむざむざ低級モンスターの毒に犯され死ぬのを見たくない、どうか私にあなたを助ける栄誉をお与え下さい」

「I do not want to see a beautiful woman like you being die from that monster’s poison. Please give me the honour of helping you. 」

　なんか立派な事言いながらこの兄ちゃん、俺氏（18歳、黒髪セミロング微乳美少女スノーホワイト）のおっぱいもみもみしてるんだけど、俺、どうすればいいの？

While talking about committing a good deed, this nii-chan is looking at my (18-year old semi-long black-haired, pretty Snow White) breasts. I, what should I do?

　しかも初めてって言ってるくせに妙に手馴れてないコイツ？

Moreover, he says it’s his first time. I would prefer to do it with someone skilled.

　あ、そうか、乙女ゲーってそういうもんか…、そういえば姉ちゃんが「ゲームの中でくらい夢見せろよ。初エッチでもたついたり穴を間違える童貞なんてゲームの中でまで見たくねぇわ。」とか言ってたわ…。

Ah, really, a girl should not think like that...Which reminds me, my sister had once said at this part, 「Let me fantasize in the game. I do not want to be with a virgin who puts it in the wrong hole, etc.」Now, then I was saying...

「だ、だめですってばぁ！」

「It's, it’s still no good！」

「可哀想に、こんなに硬く乳首を尖らせて。辛いだろう、今私が助けてあげるね」

「Oh, poor you, your nipples are already hard. It must be painful. I will help you.」

―――俺の初体験のお相手はどうやら男らしい。

―――My first opponent is apparently really manly。

　ねえねえ、コレなんかおかしくね？

　Hey-hey, isn’t this strange？

　転生ってもっと楽しい物なんじゃないの？

Isn’t reincarnation usually different for a man？

　無職童貞が転生したらチートで美少女処女喰いまくったりハーレム築いたりする、もっとこう、夢がある物なんじゃないの？

When an unemployed virgin gets reincarnated, he gets to eat a beautiful girl virgin and make a harem, moreover, dreams exist for that reason, no?

　なんで俺、転生して男に犯されそうになってんの？

Why is it that I’m trapped by a man instead? 

「こっちももうどろどろだ…」

「My head is quite muddled now…」

「っぁ！？――っは、あ、ぁっん！」

「Ah！？――I thought, ah, ~nn！」

　下肢に王子の手が下りてきた時、自分の口から信じられない様な甘い声が出た。

When the prince’s hands touched my lower half, an unbelievably sweet voice came out from my mouth.

　そんな俺を妙に熱っぽい視線で見つめながら王子は言う。

The prince looked at me warmly and said.

「可愛いな…、君、名前は？」

「You’re cute…What’s your name?」

「すのー…ほわいと、っです！」

「It’s Snow…White!」

　いや、正直俺も可愛いと思うよ、このヒロインちゃん。

Frankly speaking, I am pretty, this heroine-chan.

　問題はその中身が俺だって事なんだが。――…てかこの王子ずるくね？俺もこんな可愛い子とエッチしてから死にたかったんだけど。それが無理なら転生後にチーレム築いてこんな美少女とヤリたかったんだけど、それが何故。一体どうしてこうなった…？

The problem is that this body’s content is me (a male). ――…Isn’t this prince cunning? I also wanted to each such a cute girl before I died. If that was impossible, I wanted to build a harem full of pretty girls like this one after I reincarnated, somehow. How did things turn into this...?

「名前も可愛いね、スノーホワイト。ねえ、私の事はアミーと呼んで？私のシュガーホワイト」

「That name is cute, Snow White. Hey, why not call me, Amir? My Sugar White.」

（くさい！くさいなこの男…！！）

（This man is strange…！！）

　俺の心の悲鳴を無視し、王子は事を進めて行った。　

Ignoring the screams of my heart, the prince continued.

　　咦，为什么西装会动？ Eh! Why? This suit can move? 　　哦，原来西装里还装着个男人，活的。 Oh. This suit was originally filled with a living man.  　　我眨了好几眼，眯着醉醺醺的近视眼，才看清几米外有个高个儿挺拔的男人，看不清长相，在隐约暧昧的灯光下，透着股衣冠禽兽的精英气质。 I blinked several times. Because of the nearsightedness that resulted from my intoxicated state, I had to squint just now to clearly see almost a meter away. Plus, this individual was a tall man. I couldn’t clearly see his appearance from the faint and vague lighting shining down, but I could sense the elite temperament of a dressed-up animal. 

(T/N: Dressed up animal or 衣冠禽兽 - Idiom that directly translates as “immoral and despicable person”) 　　虽然此刻酒精在我的血液里奔腾叫嚣着，我神志不清， 但全身哆嗦了一下后我福至心灵，天啊，眼前这个男人莫不是小禽兽邓垄？相似的身高身形，还有那冷冰冰拒人于千里外的距离感，令我这小卧底的灵魂燃烧了。 Although, at present, the alcohol in my blood was surging forward in waves. I was delirious but after my whole body suddenly trembled, the heavens sent their approval. Could the man in front of me be the young male beast Deng Long? His height and figure matched. He also possessed a frigid air around him that made others keep their distance. To check if this was him, the spirit of this spy was ignited. 　　我收起刚才的颓废，为了证实我的猜测，我再一次学蜥蜴，贴墙艰难地匍匐了几米，睁大眼站在他边上。

Just now, I retracted from my dispirited self in order to confirm my guess and stuck close to the wall with difficulty to creep about a meter away. I opened my eyes wide as I stood by him. 

　　看清了，不是邓垄，倒是长得比他更有看头。像他的西装一样英俊。

Seeing that he was not Deng Long, I looked closer. Contrary to what one might expect, there seemed to be qualities worth seeing.  　　可惜不是什么善类，一般来说，出现在这鬼地方的男人基本就分两种：一种是东西，一种是不是东西。

Unfortunately, not anything good. Generally speaking, men who come to this kind of shady area can only be divided into two categories: One is a man. The other is no good.  　　反正都不是人，眼前这位应该也不例外。

Anyways, they’re all not human. Looking at this one, he doesn’t seem to be an exception. 

　　我冷得瑟瑟发抖，胃却火烧火燎的，身体还在打战，而这个白皙冷峻的男人则用一种居高临下的眼神偏头打量我，不动声色，那一股子高贵气质令我在对峙中更显猥琐，以及轻浮。

I was shivering cold even though my stomach felt like it was on fire, My body was still fighting the war. The white and solemn man with a condescending set of eyes looked at me. He had that calm and collected look as if he were the son of noble temperament, which made me feel even more insignificant and frivolous in this confrontation. 　　我承认我不习惯被人占便宜，但是却乐于占人便宜，于是我挤了个笑，拍了拍他的肩膀道："喂，嗝，"我打了个酒嗝，"把衣服脱了，不然我揍你。"

I admit that I am not accustomed to being taken advantage of, but happy to take advantage of people, so I squeezed a smile, patted his shoulder and said: "Hey- burp." I burped again, "Clothes. Off. Otherwise, I beat you.” 　　"哦？"男人略微惊讶，挑了挑好看的眉，嗓音低沉好听，很有共鸣感。

”Oh?” The man was slightly surprised. His good-looking eyebrows rose. His low voice was pleasant to hear, very resonant.  　　此刻细碎的光投射在他出色的五官上，而在光作用下，整张脸斯文中透着几分儒雅，儒雅中透着几分禽兽，瞬间令我看痴，更令我的轻浮陡然升级，我擦了擦口水凑近他，手倏地紧握住他的下巴，大方欣赏着："跟刚才的老树皮比起来，你可真是尤物啊。"

At present, the fragments of light casting over him revealed his top-of-the-class facial features. The light also displayed that his whole face was refined. Refined, while being beastly. In a flash, my foolish self felt the need to call on him. Even more, to cause something to happen, my frivolous attitude suddenly upgraded. I wiped away my saliva before leaning closer to him. My hand quickly ceased his chin and explicity appreciated him: “Compared to the old tree bark, you are indeed extraordinarily beautiful.” 　　我不得不承认，醉酒后的我，是多么的诚实，以及不规矩。

I had no choice but to admit that after getting drunk, I was more honest and lose with my reserve.  　　这个男人意料之中地皱眉了，轻轻掰开我侵犯他的手，冷冷退了退："小姐，请自重。"

As expected, this man frowned and pulled open my hands that were holding onto his hand. He coldly retreated: “Miss, I ask that you act more reserved.” 　　"我都是这里的小姐了，还怎么自重啊？"我抱歉地笑笑，"从小Uncle Alan就教导我，遇到尤物就要调戏，遇到一个调一个，遇到一双调一双。" ”This lady is here. Why keep acting dignified?” I gave an apologetic smile, “As a child, Uncle Alan taught me from childhood that when meeting a beautiful woman, one should take liberties with such a woman. To come across such a woman and harmonize with her to the tune of a pair.” 

(T/N: By lady, she refers to herself as a prostitute. P.s. I totally guessed the last sentence, I think it might be like “It takes two to tango”?) 　　"你叫什么名字？"美男平静的脸露着淡淡的怒意，看来想揭我底方便日后打击报复。 ”What is your name?” The beautiful man’s calm face expressed a hint of annoyance. It seems that he wanted to expose my background for easier retaliation in the future. 　　想查户口是吧？我越发想笑，我方亮亮就是吃盘问犯人这碗饭的，于是我又打了个酒嗝，玩弄着自己的假发，身体边晃荡着，边朝他抛了个大胆的媚眼："你看不出来吗？我姓采，名花贼。采花贼，帅哥你记住了吗？"

Wanting to look for my family, is that right? I had an increasing urge to laugh. I, Fang Liang Liang, eats convicts like a bowl of rice during interrogations. I, once again, hiccuped. Playing with my wig as my body swayed, I faced this daring man and threw him a flirtatious look: “You can’t tell? My last name is gathered among winners, Hua Zei. A flower thief, can’t you tell, handsome?”

(T/N: Last name = Hua is a flower. Zei = thief. Literally, means a r*pist.) 　　"你胆子很大。"美男锐利的眼盯着我，透着一股恼羞成怒。

”You’re very brave.” The beautiful man’s keen eyes focused on me. I flew into a rage out of humiliation.  　　啧啧，有意思了。

Tsk. Tsk. Interesting. 　　"狗胆包天对吧？因为我醉了啊。嗝，"又一个不动听的酒嗝，"知道下一步我要干什么？"

”Extremely daring, is that right? Because I’m drunk. Hiccup.” And with another unpleasant hiccup, I added, “Know what to do next?”

　　美男抿唇不说话，也许在担心自己的贞操。 This charming man’s lips pursed, refusing to speak. Perhaps, worried about his chastity.  　　"你放心，我只是找你……倾诉。倾诉懂不懂？就是谈心。"我腿软，有些站不住了，四下张望了一下，搭着他肩膀一本正经说道，"昨天我做了个梦，知道我在我的梦里是干什么的吗？"

”You, feel at ease. I’m just looking (out) for you...frankly speaking. Just talk, understand? Just like a heart-to-heart-talk.” My legs felt weak and could no longer stand. Looking around, I hung onto his shoulder earnestly to say, “Yesterday, I had a dream and you know what I was doing in my dream?” 　　美男一点都不配合我，继续用诡异揣测的眼神看着我，看着他黑色眼瞳中的我，我有种自己是潘多拉星球人的感觉。

This beautiful man did not cooperate with me. He continued to watch me with strange, speculating eyes as I looked back at him with my black pupils. I bravely faced this celestial man who resembled Pandora himself.    　　地球人不配合，我只好自问自答。 This Earthling and I were really not compatible. I contemplated on how I could get an answer out of him.  　　"告诉你吧，梦里我是……女超人，为了人民的安居乐业，我打砸抢烧无恶不作，忽然有个晚上，我的老板托梦给我，说我今天会遇到克星，很厉害很厉害的克星。我会翘掉……"

"Tell you what. I dreamt...I was superwoman. In order for the people to live in peace and work happily, I faced vandalizing, robbing, burning, and any other imaginable misdeed. Suddenly, there was a night my boss asked me to dream for my benefit. He explained that today was the day that I will likely meet my nemesis. A very, very difficult nemesis. To that point where I will likely lose." 　　我抓着他的西装领子防止自己滑下去，朝他咯咯傻笑，颇为得意地欣赏他僵硬冷漠的俊脸，乐在其中。

I grabbed onto his shirt collar to prevent myself from sliding down. Facing him, I giggled, quite proud of the stiff indifference on his intelligent-looking face as I basked in this moment.  　　"你的梦很有趣。"作为我暂时的栏杆，美男这次倒是没有再掰开我的爪子，"希望你美梦成真。"

"Your dream is awfully amusing." Using him as a temporary railing, this beautiful man, contrary to what one might expect, did not pull off my claws. 　　我挤眉弄眼："借你吉言，我确实美梦成真了，偷偷告诉你，我的克星是个同性恋，喜欢男人……比如像你这样的……尤物。"

I winked: "By your words, this is indeed a dream come true. I'll tell you a secret. My nemesis is this gay person. He likes men...for example, you...stunner." 　　他面沉如水。 His face sunk like water.  　　我晃了晃身体，低着头不无忧伤地说："老娘彻底没戏了。"而后我抬起头来，哭丧着问他，"你快帮我看看，我是不是哭了？"

I shook my body, lowering my head in grief and spoke: "I, this old woman, does not lie." After that, I lifted my head, wailing and asked him, "Quickly, help me check whether or not I'm crying." 　　"你疯了。"他冷冷回答。

“You’re insane.” He answered coldly. 

Hurray for short chapters!!

　　说话间，我凑近她，张开嘴呵着气让她查验，而妈妈桑已经嫌恶地退了一步，皱着眉挥挥手，“去去，少来烦老娘。”

Speaking between the two of us, I leaned closer to her, and expelled my breath for her to smell, but she retreated a step in revulsion, wrinkled her eyebrows and waved away my breath, "Go! Go! Give me a break. Don't bother this old woman."

　　此时是深夜十一点三十五分，地点是A市最豪华的夜总会，我的身份不再是英姿飒爽的方警官，而是新来的陪酒小姐，我身上穿的也不是烫得笔挺的警服，而是几块破布拼起来的超短裙，料子少到让我空虚寂寞，头上一顶棕色假发，厚到分不清五官的浓妆，活像哪个巷子窜出来的大花猫，只想咬死那同性恋邓垅。

At this moment, it was very late. The time was 11:35 in the evening, it seemed like a good time to get off work and visit that nightclub in City A.

I could no longer raise my head with dignity as Police Officer Fang. Instead, I arrived as a lady to accompany the drinks served. What I wore left me a bit chilly. My body was not clothed in the usual, well-ironed police uniform, but instead, a miniskirt that was lumped from a pile of rags, which left my legs feeling empty and lonely. I also wore a brown wig and makeup thick enough to hide my facial features from being distinguished.

The heavy makeup and gaudy dress made me the spitting image of an alley cat. Thinking that I did all of this for that inflexible, homosexual Deng Long was enough for me to kill him.

　　此时此刻，自诩一介武妇的我，脑中萦绕着一个很高深的问题：我能不能学祝英台先生，把隆起的胸部围上三圈，去接近那如假包换的gay哥邓垅。

At this very moment, I could only pose as a brave woman. I thought to myself, if I became like Mr. Zhu Yingtai (祝英台) [1] and wrapped my chest three times, could I get close to that authentic, gay Brother Deng Long?

[1] From the drama, Butterfly Lovers, where the female Zhu Yingtai crossdresses as a man by wrapping her breasts three times. 

　　我迟疑了，古往今来，梁山伯哥哥的智商确实低到了一定的境界，前无古人后无来者，至今难有人超越，邓兄怕是比梁哥哥难搞的不是一点点呀。

I hesitated. Since ancient times, Brother Liang Shanbo's (梁山伯) [2] IQ was indeed very low. No one has yet to possess a lower IQ than him. Brother Deng, I'm afraid, is more difficult to handle than Brother Liang.  

[2] Again, from the Butterfly Lovers drama, he’s the male lead who (unsurprisingly) does not guess that Zhu Yingtai is not a woman. 

　　不好忽悠啊。

No way to trick him, ah.

　　但是这也不失为一条妙计，身处穷山恶水无计可施的我转念一推想，或许也可以试一试，套到消息就跑，套不到的话，大不了化做母狮强上了他，作为一个被强奸者，他总会说点什么做点什么满足我的。

Wait, this method when used as a last resort could also be a brilliant scheme. I had second thoughts. Maybe, it was a good idea to try to get the information from him. At worst, I could transform into a mother lion and force myself on him. As a potential victim of r*pe, he would likely mention something to satisfy me.

　　我正苦苦思索着，莉莉莎从313包厢探出头来，招招手喊我，“玛丽你快点，沈老板等着咱们呢。”

I thought deeply about this plan until Lilisha popped her head out from Room 313 and called for me, "Mary, hurry up! Boss Shen (沈) is waiting to see you."

　　我一听沈老板这三个字，两条空荡荡的腿就晃荡的厉害了。

My legs swayed as I heard the name “Boss Shen”. This third brother [3] is a difficult man to deal with.

[3] I’m not sure why he’s called 3rd Brother. 

　　这是个怪人，不，是个老怪物，喜怒无常，前一刻还风调雨顺呢，下一刻就歇斯底里了，也不知道年轻时被什么摧残出如此晴转暴雨的个性来，而且更可怕的是，我上班六天，他连点了我三天。

That man was a strange person, no, that old monster was temperamental. One moment he was like good weather, the next moment he was hysterical.

I wasn't sure how the time of his youth was ruined to change his personality from being so clear into such a violent rain storm, but the worst part is that among the six days that I've worked, he's picked me for three of those days in row.

　　想起那张皱巴巴眼神浑浊的老脸，往昔英勇无敌化逢凶化吉的方警官，我，面对流传五千年祖训——尊老爱幼，也是无计可施，只能在门外十分豪迈地咒骂一声 “老不死的东西”，进门后十分窝囊废地亲热唤着，“小沈，你来啦。”

Just by recalling the hazy expression on that wrinkled face, one could tell he was really thick-skinned.

In the past, I was the brave, unequaled Police Officer Fang who turned misfortune into blessings, now I, in the face of five millennium's worth of teachings by my ancestors--to respect the old and cherish the young--was at my wit's end. I had no other choice, but to boldly curse in a high tone while I was outside of the door, "This old bastard refuses to die".

After entering through the door, my spineless self affectionately called out, "Xiao Shen, you came!"

　　自从 “小沈阳” 红了以后，老东西委婉地表示，既然大家要尊老爱幼 (i ended here)，那就不要客气，叫我 “小沈” 吧，并且也不要吝啬形容词，不妨在小沈前面加个 “老当益壮”，发挥智慧多多益善。

Ever since Xiao (Young) Shenyang became popular, the old bastard tactfully expressed that I should respect the old and cherish the young (尊老爱幼) so there was no need to be modest and ordered me to call him "Xiao Shen", okay? Plus, he doesn't want to be stingy with the adjectives and also wanted "old but vigorous" before his name for a better display of his wisdom.  

T/N: FYI, that name makes you sound like a laughingstock.

　　“老当益壮”的“小沈”老狼一般的眼神盯着我看，我一如既往巧笑倩然，坐下来微微和老东西保持距离，用自己都恶心的嗓音卖笑，“小沈啊，说好的，今天不喝酒的，咱们来猜拳。”

Old But Vigorous Xiao Shen's (“小沈”) eyes were fixated on me like an old wolf. Just as in the past, I skillfully show a pretty smile like this and sit humbly, far away from the old bastard. Using an embarrassing voice to prostitute myself, "Xiao Shen (“小沈”), we agreed not to drink alcohol today so now you’ll have to play rock-paper-scissors with me [4]."

[4] Not sure if I translated that right. Direct translation indicates some sort of finger game. 

　　“好好，我的小玛丽，你说什么都好。”老东西和颜悦色，在我单薄的肩膀上拍了拍，霎时我全身的鸡皮疙瘩都起来了，僵在那里，只剩下眼珠子能困难地转动，。

"Well, my Xiao Mary, anything for you." The old bastard acted amiably, patting my thin shoulder. In a split second, my entire body was covered in goosebumps. I was stiff at the place he touched and my eyes moved with difficulty.

       色老头的手在缓缓上移，我越发僵硬，拳头下意识捏得死紧，讪笑着屏住了呼吸。忍受了一个礼拜的被吃豆腐，反正任务完成的可能性又小，我决定临走干一票，实在是太憋屈了。

The appearance of the old fellow's hand slowly moving higher caused me to grow more tense. I clenched my fist as I pictured giving a deadly pinch to his hand in my head and held my breath to bare with it.

Even after one week of flirting, the possibility of completing this mission is, again, small. I decided that before leaving today, I will find a clue.

It's too upsetting just thinking about it.

　　“什么？这是什么？居然是假发！”老头声音扬高，一把扯歪我头上的假发，脸色晴转暴雨，瞪着我怒斥，“居然让老子花钱摸你假发。”

"What? What is this? It's actually a wig!" The old man raised his voice as he wiggled the wig on my head. While glaring at me, he angrily rebuked, "You [5] actually let me spend money just to touch your wig."

[5] You is in disrespectful form

　　对于情况的急转直下，我本能地楞了愣，接着他一把扯下我头上的假发套，让我齐耳凌乱的短发暴露在人前，老头越加暴跳如雷，老脸皱得跟老树皮似的，狰狞吓人，吼道，“叫妈妈桑来。把我沈小六当猴耍是不是？不男不女的东西居然敢出来陪老子。”

Unexpectedly, the situation escalated quickly and I blanked out. He completely tore the wig off from my head, leaving me disheveled with a messy head of hair.

The old man exceeded my expectations as he flew into a rage. The skin on his face wrinkled like tree bark. It was hideously scary. He bellowed, "Call Mama-san here. Handling me, Xiao Shen the Sixth, as a monkey to play with, no? A person that is neither male or female [6] actually dare to accompany laozi (Old Son?)."

[6] I think he meant transgender. 

　　我怒不可遏，你才不男不女，你全家不男不女。但心里随即叹了口气，没办法，这老东西出来时没吃药，又癫痫上了。

I was furious. You are neither male or female. Your family is neither male or female. Yet my heart could only sigh. There was nothing I could do about it. This old bastard came without taking his medicine again and on top of that, he had an epileptic fit.

　　这真是糟糕的一天，就没一件好事。

Indeed, this was a truly bad day. Not one good thing happened.

　　我冷然地看着他发病，拳头攥紧。

I coldly looked at the onset of his disease with a clenched fist.

       莉莉莎有些害怕，惶惶然地来回扫视我俩，她以为我沉默是被吓住了，殊不知我是快揭竿起义了。她赶紧软言细语安抚老东西："小沈，别理玛丽，来，来，摸摸我的头发，人家都说滑得像丝绸哦。"老东西脸色稍缓和，却还是拉长着脸，猛地把假发甩在我身上，吩咐莉莉莎："去把你妈妈叫过来。老子是来做上帝的，不是来花钱摸假发的。"

Lilisha grew scared. In a panic, she swept her eyes over the both of us. She thought that my silence was frightening. Little did I know that I would be betrayed [7]. Without delay, she spoke soft words to pacify the old bastard: “Xiao Shen, don’t get involved with Mary. Come, come. Touch my hair. Everyone says that my hair is as smooth as silk, oh.”

[7] 揭竿起义了 - the literal translation was something like “to witness an uprising” - which I consider is our MC getting betrayed.

The old bastard looked a bit more at ease, but still pulled a long face and threw the wig at my body, telling Lilisha, “Go and get your mother. I have come to serve God [8], not to spend money to touch a wig.” 

[8] 老子 - laozi was used insted of “I”, but can anyone tell me what this Chinese philosopher has to do with it or is it that Xiao Shen thinks that he is laozi? 

T/N: Lol. Can he get more moronic?

        能摸到老娘的假发而没摸到老娘的拳头已经是你祖宗积德了，我昂着下巴心里骂咧咧，深呼吸一口气，而因为太生气，这口气死活也没咽下去。

Letting this old man touch this shitty wig and not already touch his clenched fist is only due to your ancestor's accumulated good luck [9]. I raised my chin to curse, but only ended up talking drivel. 

[9] I just wanted to share that the google translated this as “Can touch his aging mother's wig and did not touch his aging mother's fist”. It didn’t completely make sense so I changed it. 

I wanted to take a deep breath. This was a manner of life and death, but because I was too angry, my breath would not go down. 

        莉莉莎想必是怕了，赶紧出去叫妈妈桑，之后妈妈桑翩翩驾到了

Lilisha was probably unable to endure and hurriedly left to call Mama-san. Later, Mama-san elegantly appeared. 

见惯了这种场面的妈妈桑自然游刃有余，一个娇嗔，一个打情骂俏，再无比娴熟地把刚才没骂完我的话都好好补上，老东西那张老树皮一样的脸，倏地开出了一朵烂菊花

Seemingly accustomed to this type of scene, Mama-san skillfully and playfully pouted to break the tension and scold. One playful pout. One flirtatious banter. Definitely, her skills were second to none. She had scolded me for the incident, but also satisfied this old fool to the point that where his tree bark-like face opened up. He quickly stood up like a rotten chrysanthemum.  

T/N: I’m pretty sure I just guessed at the whole paragraph above. 

        当然他也没有轻易放过我，除了要低头道歉外，赶我走之前还给我灌下了一大瓶红酒作为他的精神补偿。

Of course, he did not let me off easy. Besides bowing for forgiveness, I had to drink a big bottle of red wine to compensate his spirit before I could leave.

喝就喝吧，我也不是孩子了，能喝的就不用打的，打是没问题，可身上的几块薄布经不起我身体的大幅度动作，我怕打到赤条条的，还是喝吧。

Drink! Just drink, okay? I am not a child. I can drink without caring about hailing down a taxi. No problem~o. But, can the few, thin pieces of clothing on my body bare with my movements? I’m afraid to be knocked down naked. Still! Drink...okay?

老东西满足地看着我喝到肝肠寸断后，手一挥，赐我出去了。

The old bastard gloated as he watched me drink enough to fill my liver and intestines. I waved my hand. I’m out. 

我也受够了，醉醺醺出去了，方向是洗手间，方警官我要去轰隆隆吐一吐。

I’ve had enough. I’m completely drunk. I’ll head to the toilet. I, Officer Fang, will throw up and throw up. 

这有些烈的红酒喝下去的时候让我肝肠寸断了一次，出来的时候又让我肝肠寸断了一次，等我抱着马桶吐了个翻天覆地后，已经糟糕到不能更糟糕了。

This is some strong red wine to drink. Continuing would only cause my liver and intestines to disconnect for the first time. I held the toilet bowl as I threw up since the earth and sky turned upside down. Just when I thought my luck was bad enough. It only turned worse.

　身心都遭受巨大打击啊，我瘫软在马桶边，抱着雪白的马桶，陷入了深深又无边的困顿中。

I suffered a huge blow to my mental and physical health, ah. I sat limp by the side of the toilet as I hugged the snow white toilet bowl. I, once again, fell into a deep and endless hardship. 

老谭说了，不完成任务，就辜负当初毕业时"为人民安居乐业而奋斗终生"的誓言，不要回去见他了。

Old Tan [10] said, “Not fulfilling one’s duties is the same as failing to live up to the expectations pledged upon one’s graduation. Specifically, the oath for allowing the civilians to live in peace and work happily without lifelong struggles. If one breaks the oath, do not bother returning.”

[10] Tan might be her commanding officer??

       我打了酒嗝，老谭啊老谭，邓垄粗壮的大腿属于你们广大男人，我心有余而力不足。

I hiccuped. Old Tan, ah. Old Tan. Deng Long’s thick thighs belong to all of you, grown men. I have more than enough strength. 

　　我喝多了，学蜥蜴贴着墙软着腿出了洗手间，头脑昏沉，身体虚飘，脚踩浮云，我决定暂时先把伤脑筋的事往后挪一挪，我得先找个温暖的地方窝一窝。

I can drink more to study the lizard’s soft leg rise out of the toilet bowl. I was dizzy. My body was empty enough to float and interfere with the clouds. I temporarily decided to push all thoughts about work to the future in order for my head to stop aching. I proudly tried to find a warm area to nestle myself in. 

　　天可怜我，这不，温暖的东西出现了。

Heaven pitied me. It’s here. A warm thing appeared.

[1] 哭笑不得 - an idiom where the person is unsure whether to laugh/cry

[2] This phrase was taken from Novel Updates. 

+++

　　我现在心如死灰，只想找一堵墙结束我凄惨的人生，而对面穿得花枝招展的莉莉莎仍然沉浸在打击我的乐趣中，鲜艳的红唇滔滔不绝，几乎是享受地看着我失魂落魄。

Right now, my heart is in ashes [3]. I just want to look for a wall to end my miserable life, but sitting opposite of me is the gorgeously dressed Lilisha (莉莉莎) who was still attacking my happiness with her vivid, red lips talking endlessly, as if she enjoys watching my distraught self.

[3] Idiom meaning extreme despair.

　　她一定以为我失恋了，其实姑娘你不知道，我是快失业了。

She must have been under the impression that I was heartbroken. Actually, young lady, I'm about to be unemployed.

　　“玛丽，你好傻，你怎么会看上垅少？你不知道他每天晚上陪他那个的是各种各样的小男孩吗？”。

"Mary (玛丽), you're such an idiot, why did you fall for Long Jr.(垅少)? Didn’t you know he has lot of young boys accompanying him in that manner every night?"

　　“真，真的？”。

"Re-really?"

　　“这还有假？妈妈桑亲口跟我说的。听说‘暗’的背后老板就是邓垅。呵，这样也好，方便自己也方便别人，据说暗的主题‘天下同志是一家’就是邓垅提出来的。”

"How can I be wrong? Mama-san personally told me that info. I also heard that An's (暗) hidden boss is him, Deng Long (邓垅). Oh, this is so good. It's convenient for me and the others too. An's rule is 'Comrades are a part of the family', proposed by Deng Long (邓垅) himself."

　　暗是A市最具规模的同性恋酒吧，低调却不缺奢华，我听人说过，那圈子里卧虎藏龙，也不乏能翻江倒海的人物。

An (暗) is a large-scale homosexual nightclub in City A that keeps a low profile, but is not lacking in grandeur. I heard people say that their circle hides talented individuals [4]. That place is also a den for powerful people.

[4] Original expression was “hidden dragon, crouching tiger”

　　没想到我还真遇上一条黑龙，吃男不吃女的。

I just did not expect to meet a black dragon [5] that eats men, but not women.

[5] A successful & powerful person

　　我低头瞥了眼自己脖子下面那两个肉馒头，近乎绝望地认识到，现在报名变性手术已太晚，短时间内，我不可能由小女孩变成小男孩。

I lowered my head to glance at the two steamed buns below my neck. I was more distraught after realizing that my current self needed to undergo a sex change, but it was too late. I did not have enough time to change from a young girl into a young boy.

　　下半生再努力，我顶多能成为卖男孩的小女孩而已。

If I tried hard from now on, the most I could be is a young girl who sells young boys, nothing more.

　　我面对的是几乎不可能完成的任务。

It seems as if I was given an almost impossible assignment.

　　莉莉莎凑到我耳边，神秘兮兮的说，“邓垅讨厌女人是出了名的，据他自己形容，要是上了女人，就好像吃了好几千只苍蝇，想死的心也有呢。”

Lilisha (莉莉莎) saw this as an opportunity to move closer to my ear and mysteriously whispered, "Deng Long (邓垅) really hates women. Based on his description, eating a woman is the same as eating a thousand houseflies. His heart will also die and he'll cease to exist."

　　我被打击到极点，翘着二郎腿忍不住冷哼，“这么说，他的仇家只要派个女人强上他就能让他隔天自杀了？”。

I was met with a heavy blow. I crossed my legs, unable to stop myself from coldly snorting, "So what you really mean is that he hates the women that were sent by his enemies and if they were to spend the night together, he will commit suicide the next day?"

　　莉莉莎楞了楞，然后不怀好意地朝我笑了笑，姿态妖娆地点起了香烟，“条件允许的话，也可以考虑考虑轮奸嘛。”

Lilisha (莉莉莎) looked blankly at me, then wickedly smiled with an alluring posture while smoking, "Yes, if the conditions permitted. Then again, you can always consider gang r*ping him."

　　我郑重点了点头，适时奸笑一下表示赞许，暗示她我是跟她同一国的，得不到就要毁掉嘛，不能便宜了其他男人。

I seriously thought about that option, nodding every so often and showing a sinister smile to express my praise for her suggestion. She and I were the alike. If one cannot obtain something, one should destroy it rather than let a man take advantage of this golden opportunity.

　　当然我还在忧郁。

Of course, I was still dejected.

　　声色犬马的世界里，女人总是有撩人的唇，恶毒的牙，还有漂亮的斗篷遮挡一切，我丝毫不奇怪，我唯一奇怪的是，为什么“魅色”夜总会的老板，所有性感小姐的上司，邓垅，该死的会是个不喜欢女人的同性恋呢？

Clearly, the sensual pleasures of the world had an unwritten rule for women's existence to rely on her attractive lips and sinister teeth, but each must also possess a beautiful cloak to shelter those features. I don't find this rule the slightest bit strange. The only thing I do find strange is the reason why Mei Se's (魅色) nightclub owner aka. the sexy ladies' superior is that wretched boss, Deng Long. Damn it! How is it possible that this kind of owner is not fond of women, but instead fancy men?

　　我出离愤怒了。

I was really angry.

　　这么重要的情报，局里居然没有搞到或者百度到，而我堂堂一个方警官沦落为“玛丽小姐”近乎一个礼拜，毫无建树，根本找不到任何接近他的机会。

Such vital information, yet the office unexpectedly did not get a hold of it, nor did the search engine Baidu, and as a result, I, the dignified Police Officer Fang (方), was reduced to acting as Miss Mary (玛丽) for almost a week with barely any contribution because I couldn't find a way to get closer to him.  

　　只因为我不是那该死的“玛丽先生。”

Just because I'm not a damned Mr. Mary (玛丽).

　　我四十五度角仰望夜空，突然明白了，我方亮亮不是来当卧底的，我是来搞笑的。 　　 I looked at the night sky at a forty-five degree angle, and unexpectedly realized that I, Fang Liang Liang (方亮亮), am not here to hide as an undercover agent, but am here to be funny.

　　我的情绪低落到极点，但是还来不及撞墙结束荒唐的人生，妈妈桑就嗖得踢开门，短暂扫视后，锐利的视线落在我和莉莉莎身上，血红的唇张开了，一张一闭，像是一台无情的ATM吞钱机，“怎么？老娘请你们来聊天嗑瓜子的啊，还不给老娘出去干活！”

My mood took a nose dive, but it was too late to knock my head against a wall and end this absurd life. Mama-san (妈妈桑) had just kicked the door open, briefly sweeping her eyes over the room with her keen line of sight before locating Lilisha and I chatting. Her blood red lips opened and closed like a heartless ATM machine swallowing money, "Did this old woman ask you to come here to gossip and crack melon seeds? Ah, go back to work!"

　　河东狮吼一出，老油条莉莉莎慵懒站起来，水蛇腰一扭一扭，扭到了妈妈桑的旁边，娇滴滴笑，“妈妈桑，我可没偷懒，我那个熟客王总啦，超喜欢我嘴里那瓜子味呢，上次还问我磕的什么牌子呢，我说傻瓜瓜子啊，你猜他怎么说的”

Like a shrewish wife, old fox Lilisha languidly stood up. She twisted and swung her hips until she arrived at Mama-san's side and cutely smiled, "Mama-san, I was not goofing off, my one frequent visitor, Wang Zong (王总), is quite fond of the taste of my cracked melon seeds. Can you guess what that fool said about my melon seeds?"

莉莉莎勾嘴角笑得不正经，“他让我每次陪他之前先磕磕瓜子润润口气，滋补着呢。”

Lilisha struck out a corner of her mouth to form a frivolous smile, "Whenever he visits, he'll always let me crack melon seeds first to moisten my mouth. He says it's quite nourishing."

　　在场人的嘴角都抽搐了，妈妈桑踢着她的屁股，怒吼，“下回给老娘把牙刷干净了再出去。简直坏我魅色的招牌。”

Whoever was present in the room, had the corner of their mouths twitch. Mama-san kicked her butt and bellowed, "Next time, let this old woman handle a toothbrush to clean your mouth. Again, go out. Practically spoiling, my, Mei Se's, reputation for business."

　　莉莉莎笑得更得意。

Lilisha laughed, still proud of herself.

　　人在屋檐下不得不低头，我赔笑经过妈妈桑时，她严厉的视线依然狠狠撅住我，狮吼一触即发，我用脚趾头猜也知道，菜鸟永远是统治阶级菜盆中的鹌鹑，美味并且疏于抵抗。

People under this roof had no choice, but to bow their heads to Mama-san. I smiled apologetically as I passed by Mama-san. Her strict line of sight stayed firmly on me. The lioness could shriek at any moment. I prepared my toes for her attack. I knew too well that the rookie is always the quail, the target dish, in the ruling class because it's a delicacy that is lacking in resistance.

　　菜鸟确实没有抵抗的力量，但不意味着她没有猥琐的力量。

It is true that a rookie does not have resistance to power, but that doesn't mean that I was an insignificant force.