#fuckingparadox

I feel split, estranged, always remembering the things that I have meant to as my moments of purpose are slipping away. Like the sun just before it sets, remembering to express her beauty just as she dies to the night. Her hues shine into my eyes through the cross of the four glass panes of my single bedroom window as I look out, like the sherbert that I devoured with my grandfather in his kitchen as a child. These moments that seize me, that lead me to remember an existence beyond my mind, are my form of church. Saturated skies juxtaposed by black oak tree limbs that on one strange night once looked like a Hindu God, perched next to a mermaid and spoke to me. The treasure trove of moments that I miss about home while I am away, are mind spaces that I all too often forget to enter while I am here. This home is not filled with childhood memories, but those of young adulthood - the soul discovering, the tarot cards and the mystical night whispers. 

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I am not going to edit the above beyond the moment i was in upon writing it. I could add and take away, but i’m going to copy and paste my message of the happenings that transpired surrounding the writing of the above entry. 

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I was feeling really weird earlier... like my mind was starting to spiral somewhere weird and I gave up on any sense of focus and put a tv show on.

Then 15 minutes later I see the sun setting out my window... I shut my lap top and just enjoy. Noticing this internal shift I could see how dis-regulated I was within the present experience of these colors of the sky outside my window.  

A series of other self reflective thoughts bridged me into writing it down...  a little creative blip...

In my blip I was reflecting on how I used to smoke a lot up here and things always became so mystical, I could feel close to myself in an intimate way, recognizing how I put my self so far away into this place of a sort of disciplinary God.

I remembered the peace I felt in your presence in the pool house the night before I left after New Years adventures with you... and how it spoke to “the atman”... and how it is when I connect with that peace that I will merge intimately with myself, not by hierarchical stair ways and latters made of meaning making systems and self imposed rules that I’m always surely to break..

I remember I stowed my bubbler away while my little cousin was here...

I decide to smoke... and upon grabbing a lighter I remember I have 10 baby pastel ones piled atop my sage in my room... after I hit the weed, I lit my sage... without thinking words entered my mind in attuned carnations... that spoke to my soul.

As I cleanse the space... I see all of these signs revealing themselves to me in their own ways... one from my astrology, my family, etc.. and it led me to climb into my nook and shift things around... and light a candle...

And now here I am telling you how incredibly moving this experience has been...

And all it took was stillness. Remembering how quickly I forget... the rituals it takes to inspire my own unique magic as it touches out into all that surrounds me, connected and one.

The mind is powerful.

Weed is powerful.

Nature is powerful.

And I can’t help but recognize that in the moments I have not experienced such feelings/ spiritual unity by myself in my own private space... are most similar only to the private spaces and spiritual unity I share with you.

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Just after copy and pasting that, something else happened... which spawned me to share more with my friend in the following message below instead. ______________________________________________________________________

Something else just happened.

One of the signs that spoke to me... was this amethyst my dad had given me... it reminded me of what amethyst does for me and how I so often utilized it in my room during the times I had been recalling during my sunset revelation.

As I was doing something after... I recognized the drawing I had just placed upon my bed from my four-year-old cousin who was just visiting gave me. The drawing was of a girl with a purple crystal around her neck (and a wizard at her side).

At that moment I noticed the image and its contents... the amethyst was on my heart.

And now... the other happening...

... the words of a phrase from an impactful dream I had not too long ago... chimed through my mind that write:

“A sunflower at sunrise to remember... a purple crystal at sunset to never forget”

My whole line of thinking leading to right now was all spawned from my alignment with the sunset... and how I always remember the things I mean to as that moment has almost gone... 

And “it’s as if the sunset remembers to express herself just upon her death in the night.”

...and then that link with the purple crystal on my heart moment with the drawing...

Wow.

This is all so powerful for me. Feel like I’m tripping.

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Astrologically, it is when the current day’s Sun dips toward the placement of my moon in the 6th house, corresponding with twilight, that I begin to truly experience my feelings and where I am at. 

Beyond this, I’m recognizing that the third night of this full moon is in Sagittarius conjoining my Midheaven, and sitting on my Part of Fortune by exactitude. 

Earlier when I was at the window, a symbol i love, I recalled how my Solar Return Chart has my Moon placed in my 10th House, but in Cancer, and how it corresponded with my newly purchased but not yet hung tapestry (until tonight’s experience) of the Moon. 

There are more details beyond this, but the awareness I am gathering from these placements has to do with:

When I conjoin with my stillness and a state of peace, it is like the experience of fully feeding and grounding with my daily eclipsed moon at twilight, like the sun’s final expressions. When I conjoin with this sense of belonging, I am capable of serving myself and my work. My goal of highest possible achievement of the year is based on the Moon at the Midheaven. I have always interpreted that goal is finding my sense of belonging in the world, and allowing my emotional nature to be revealed and shown to the possibility of many. 

Some of the incantations that were being uttered as I was saging my room (from what I can best recall), were:

“You can always merge with your path of meaning and becoming, it is always there for you... You can always change the things in which you should... and you shall never change the things in which you should not...” 

Though, confusing even myself as these words arrived in my mind, their inherent paradox, I couldn’t help but feel soothed.

They seem to say, “For what you can change for the better, do, but you’ll never know change until you’re in a head space where you attempt to change nothing at all.” The words feel like a Lewis Carrol logical labrynth, in which he uses logical language to almost mock the lack of reason, or how playfully tricky the ways of life can be. Like the answers of such riddles or their meanings are always just tucked in and beyond the words that are attempting to point to it, hiding in plain sight, just like the nature of it. “It” being the tao; the way; the still space of self and its connection to all when there is nothing else but now; the atman.

I read a quote by Anais Nin today, inspired by @precipicemagazine’s IG post, that writes:

“I have no brakes on...analysis is for those who are paralyzed by life.” ― Anaïs Nin, The Diary of Anaïs Nin, Vol. 1: 1931-1934

This quote speaks to how simply living will reveal more than analysis’ ability to impair oneself. As she is a writer, and as i’m writing here now, there is surely analyzing being done to arrive at this point of forming words and sentences in a state of reflection, but that just as much as it is a tool for living, it can trap oneself into not living just as easily. The paradoxes continue... 

I think I will leave it at that.