#ftm playlist

BOYS WILL BE BOYS, HIDING IN ESTROGEN  /  A TRANS BOY PLAYLIST

PLAYLIST FOR A STRESSED DYSPHORIC FTM DAVE STRIDER

Body - Mother Mother

Take my face / And desecrate / My arms and legs / They get in the way

Girl or Boy - Dani Shay

But we’ll forget it / ‘Cause they always said / “Don’t be a pussy” / To the boys who cried / And they said to the girls who fought / “That’s not very ladylike / Well who decides it?

Little Game - Benny

Don’t you think it’s funny how they tell us how to live? / Don’t you think it’s funny how we’re all delinquent kids?

We Don’t Believe What’s On TV - twenty one pilots

I need to know that when I fail / You’ll still be here

Time To Dance - Panic! At The Disco

It’s hard sometimes for me to be sure what I’m feeling, but when I have a strong reaction to a song it gives me something to work with. I’ve spent a lot of time analysing what the lyrics and music of various songs express for me, giving me a kind of lens to look at my own emotions. This playlist is a collection of the ones that I relate to my feelings about transitioning and just being trans.

It’s in 3 sections of 4 songs each, and goes through a vaguely chronological process. The first section focuses on coming to terms with being trans, and coming out to those first few people.

1. Reflection (Mulan) Yep, the classic trans guy song. Does this one really need explanation? I put it at the beginning because it has a sense of realising that something is not right and needs to change.

2. Hello (Evanescence) This one has to be interpreted a lot less literally than the rest. It speaks to me of suffering quietly and internally, and hoping you can just push it all to the side and make it go away. I relate this to dealing with dysphoria and self doubt while being too scared to talk to anyone about it. The last verse brings a sense of rising panic with the realisation that this cannot be escaped, and must be faced directly.

3. Let It Go (Frozen) I know, I know. It’s just that some of the lyrics almost seem to be written for closeted AFAB trans people - “Don’t let them in, don’t let them see; Be the good girl you always have to be; conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know” and later “that perfect girl is gone”. It’s mostly about the uplifting feeling of coming out and being accepted for the first time, as though you’re ready to take on the world and tell the haters to get fucked.

4. Defying Gravity (Wicked) This one is about a less positive reaction to coming out. The person cares for you, but is confused and worried - they don’t understand why you’re apparently sabotaging yourself. It’s about society being against you, and daring to go ahead anyway. “I’m through with playing by the rules of someone else’s game” could be speaking about one’s assigned gender or just societal rules about gender in general.

The next section is about coming out to more people, beginning to be yourself, and figuring out your transition.

5. Wake Me Up (Avicii) “Feeling my way through the darkness, guided by a beating heart. I can’t tell where the journey will end, but I know where to start” pretty much sums up why this song is in here. I guess it’s about figuring out what you want from life while dealing with opposition, e.g. from family who don’t think you’re ready for transition.

6. Iris (Goo Goo Dolls) This one has a darker mood again, and I interpret the start as being like a dream in which you are exactly as you want to be, and you don’t want it to end. The chorus is about talking to people about dysphoria or about coming out I guess. “You can’t fight the tears that ain’t coming” to me is about suffering emotionally with no release - how can you deal with dysphoria when you can’t even cry it out?

7. I Don’t Wanna Be (Gavin DeGraw) This is about dismissing restrictive ideas about how one should be a Real Trans Guy - which may come from both within and without. When you’re just starting to pass it’s hard not to compare yourself to cis guys constantly and stress out about it, but that goes against the main point of the whole transition - to be yourself.

8. I’m Still Here (Treasure Planet) I swear this is the last Disney one okay? This one is about finally being confident in who you are, while dealing with opposition from the world around you. It says “yes, I’m trans - deal with it”, but at the same time there is a strong yearning to be accepted for who you are - “I want a moment to be real ... want to hold on and feel I belong”.