#fting immo

When Kaden got home after work, Abel was barking at him. Nothing unusual. What was unusual was what he was barking at. He wasn’t at the door with Kaden, he was barking and whining at something on the counter he couldn’t reach. “Well hello to you, too,” he said with a grumble as he locked the door behind him. “What is it? Some piece of food or something you can’t get to? You know better. Leave it.” Abel finally looked over at his owner and barked very pointedly at the small shape on the counter and Kaden narrowed his eyes. Right. He’d never seen that before. “What the hell--” He stared and got up closer to inspect. It was a small cage, only maybe half a foot tall at most. Inside was a small human-shaped figure with wings. And stripes. “Putain. A fucking pixie? A fucking mime pixie? What kind of sick fucking joke is-- How? Who--” There was a note nearby. “Congratulations, we loved your strawberry rhubarb pie! While you did not ascend to first place we are sure you will enjoy your condolence prize!” Kaden blinked a few times and looked down at his dog, his head tilted trying to make sense of the strange creature in front of him, then back at the pixie. “What the fuck do I do with this?”

Rumpleskuffs had his arms crossed over his chest, glaring at the giant beast that kept threatening him. Its eyes were wild, each tooth as long as Rumpleskuffs’s entire body. It’s monstrous roar rattled his bones and the iron cage he was trapped in. The door rattled and a big leg walked in, and Rumpleskuffs glared at him too, pointing at the letter left with him. Right, he was supposed to mime. Rumpleskuffs threw his hands in the air and did a small victory dance, still glaring, and then mimed eating a pie and rubbing his tummy to say just how good it was. And then he groaned, rubbing his face. He wasn’t no mime! “Congratulations! You’ve won a whole me! Apparently you made some kind of fancy pantsie pie and they decided kidnapping ME was the way to reward you! They made me wear this shirt and I hate wearing clothes so please please please mr long leg sir will you please let me go???” He blinked a few times, clasping his hands together  under his cheek in a pose he’d once seen working for a human so that meant that it totally must work. If not, well, he’d figure it out. “Or at least slay that horrible beast that keeps trying to eat me!”

Kaden stumbled back as the thing started talking. Right. Pixies. They talked. That was fucking right. Wait, but the shirt and beret. Okay. Weird. “So you’re not a mime?” he asked. Great first question. Really got to the heart of the issue. Still, not sure if this was better or worse that the thing was fucking talking. Every instinct he had told him to go get an iron knife, stab the thing and be done with it. Kill a monster, make humanity a little safer, move on with his day. But something stirred in him. He wasn’t sure what it was. Narrowing his eyes as he examined the pixie, he figured out what it was. Even if it wasn’t a mime, they had something to do with it. Surely. The pies. The stripes. If he killed this thing, what was to say this wouldn’t be just like blowing up the fucking restaurant? “And why should I let you go? You’re a monster.” Alright, felt a little stupid calling Tinkerbelle over there a monstser. “You’re a fucking pest at best. And I am not slaying my dog.” Abel barked and hopped up to look at the counter again. “Down,” he said to the dog. His paws padded to the floor and he turned and looked to his owner, alert and ready for a treat after his stellar obedience. “But really, why shouldn’t I let him eat you?”

“No! They forced me to wear this because they said you’d like it!” Rumpleskuffs said, blinking his eyes like he’d seen in those human motionies. “Do you not like it? Are the stripes too small?”  he pulled at his shirt, as if trying to stretch it out. The Big Leg got up real close, and Rumpleskuffs darted back. As far as he could go, which wasn’t far in a cage where every surface burned. “Hey! Well you’re a name caller-er! Excuse you! Big Legs are always going around calling everyone else ugly, well, buddy, have you seen you?” Rumpleskuffs stopped short, looking down at the ‘dog’.. “Is that what a dog looks? Wow. I guess the thing I met wasn’t a dog because he was really small with really big eyes. Sandy and pointy ears. I don’t spend much time around Big Legs, not even the fae ones. Or I didn’t! I was tending to the cherry trees in someone’s garden to make sure that the fruiting bodies are sufficiently sized for an excellent harvest in a few weeks time. Then this guy just shows up and bam! I’m in a cage. And then they make me wear this beret and I don’t even know how to take off clothes and now I’m with some guy who wants to feed me to his dog!” Rumpleskuffs took a huge breath after all that, and then carried on, at breakneck speed. “You didn’t ask any of that but we were taught that Big Legs really like to form parasocial relationships if you give them a kinda relatable story that stimulates their empathetic brain cells so that they’re less likely to squash you like a hornet. Which I respect! Hornet squashing. Because hornets are the worst, they never let you ride them.”

“Putain. Who forced you? Who said that? Was it the mimes?” Kaden lifted the small cage, holding it between his thumb and index finger and turned it around to give the whole situation a one over. What the hell was their angle? What did the mimes want? The fuck were they trying to do? “Was there an Isabelle? Woman. Pale. Dark hair. Deceitfully pretty. Which I suspect is a fucking trap. Also not as French as she claims to be.” This was her doing, had to be. It had her written all over it. “Hey, I am not ugly! And of course that's a dog, what else would he b--” Kaden barely got another word in before the thing was running his mouth off a mile a minute. Kaden’s browns pinched closer and closer together as he tried to follow any of what the fuck he was saying. It was a lot. And seemingly all unimportant. Fuck, why was he even listening to what a pest like this had to say? This was stupid. Squashing it like a hornet was honestly what he should do. “You can just lift the beret off your head. And the shit, just lift it from the bottom up over your head and arms. And, uh… wings. I guess.” Had to have fucking wings. A fucking winged fae wearing fucking stripes. The urge to squash it was coming back. But first he’d see if the clothes were stuck to him or not. Or if he had stripes under the fucking stripes. Then he’d determine just how cursed this whole shit was.

“I didn’t exactly get around to the whole name taking, on behalf of, you know, me being kidnapped?? Is that not a problem for you? I don’t know who they were they were completely unknowable. You know, indiscernible.” Rumpleskuffs tapped his nose knowingly. “Smelled like blueberry pie, though. The nose always knows.”  Rumpleskuffs looked him up and down pointedly. “If you say so, but I bet you don’t even have wings. Can I turn your dog pink? I think he’d like it!” The big leg looked like he was trying to shrink his nose, so without letting the Big Leg know, Rumpleskuffs helped with that. Just a tiny bit, so his nose was more… buttony and cutesy. This Big Leg needed all the help he could get. “I can?” Rumpleskuffs gasped, grabbing the beret and lifting it up, gasping at the sensation before he threw it out of the cage, the scrap of material vanishing out of sight. Next was the much more dreaded shirt. Emboldened by the beret, Rumpleskuffs grabbed the front hem of this stripey monstrosity, and tried just pulling it up and up and up. This did not work, and when he let go he scowled at Kaden. “Did you just lie to me?”

“Blueberry pie, huh?” Kaden’s eyes narrowed, trying to piece together the facts he had. Had Isabelle ever mentioned blueberries? Hmm, but she had sent chicken cordon bleu. Blue. It was the same. There was the connection. He was sure of it. This was some bullshit joke on her part. He’d wonder how she knew about Regan being fae but maybe that wasn’t even it. They were surely  employing fae type magic there in those restaurants, name stealing and what not. This was just a nod of the hat. “Of course I don’t have wings. I’m human. The last thing I want is fucking wings. And do not turn my dog pink!” Abel barked and started panting his tongue; he almost looked like he was smiling up at him. “Are you saying you want to be pink? No. No! This is ridiculous.” He was talking to a fucking pixie like it was-- Nope, thiss was bullshit. He was about to take the cage and put it in a corner and cover it up when the beret went flying. “Uh, good job,” he said, watching as the thing struggled with a shirt. “They’re not that hard,” he grumbled while the pixie pinched and pulled to no avail. “I did not lie to you! You just did it wrong!” He let out an exasperated sigh, not sure why he was bothering. “You take the edges like this,” he said as he demonstrated, crossing his arms and holding the bottom of his shirt. “And pull up towards your arms” He lifted the shirt part way up to show. “Only you keep going. I plan on keeping my shirt on, thanks.”

“Aha! But you do want them!” Rumpleskuffs crowed, and tried, for the briefest second, to give the Big Leg wings. Tragically, that was one illusion that was way too big for such a tiny pixie, and he deflated, pouting without giving Kaden any reason. When the dog barked Rumpleskuffs startled again, that giant tongue just as terrifying as a mime’s, made for wrapping people up like a sausage roll and gobbling them all up! “Maybe he wants to be green instead? Or or blue, or purple? Purple’s very fashionable this year, in flower colours, we’re all trying to make our flowers look the prettiest! Of course, soon it won’t be flower season anymore but mushroom season and then that’s a whole different ball game and see! Now we’re talking about hobbies and bonding like old chummy old pals! Soon you’ll forget just how boring being a human can be.” Some humans understood: according to the Fae Big Legs, some humans now dyed their hair rainbow colours. Oh!! Now that was a thought. His glare dissipated a little as Kaden sighed and began to demonstrated. With the whole arm crossing and the - wow, human clothes were so complicated. But when Kaden pulled his arms up, Rumpleskuffs immediately realised just why humans needed clothes. His tummy was flat and lumpy, like weird, kinda square lumps, lined up next to each other. And then there were weird dents near his hips! Was that a human sex thing? Rumpleskuffs shuddered at the thought, because how?? That seemed impractical. With a big heave, Rumpleskuffs pulled his own shirt up as Kaden had. The first time he tried, he got tangled up in the shirt, his elbow poking out of the wrong hole. The second time, he somehow managed to get it off and put it on inside out. Horrifyingly, the inside of a mime shirt is green and orange stripes instead of white and black ones. Only on the third attempt did Rumpleskuff get it off, also throwing that out of the cage. “Wow human you’re my hero! I feel like 95% freer now I don’t have any stinky clothes!” He did a little dance around his cage, and turned Kaden’s hair rainbow, as a thank you.

“No I don’t. I just said they were the last--” Kaden groaned. “Fucking word play bullshit. I don’t want wings. That’s what I meant.” He would have to be more careful with what he said going forward. It wasn’t something he was used to. Or good at. “He’s a dog. All he wants is food and attention. Don’t make him green or purple or anything at all.” Abel heard the word food and that was enough for him to start hopping on his paws back and forth and whining a little. “Not now,” he said to the dog. “Hey, hey! We are not friends alright, don’t get any crazy ideas. We’re--” Uh, what were they exactly? He was a hunter. This was a monster. So really this should be simple. The stupid wings looked a little like Regan’s. He wanted to take the cage and chuck it across the room but somehow he got the feeling that would cause more chatter and more bullshit. “Just know we are not pals or friends or anything like that.” Though Kaden should really figure out what the hell he was doing with this thing. Freeing it still felt wrong. It went against all his principles. Then again, so did talking to it. He watched as the tiny thing flung its shirt off (eventually). Green and orange inside? Odd. Whole thing was odd. Whole thing stank of trickery and he didn’t like it. This was a set up. Killing it would make things worse, he was positive. As much as he really wanted this to be over and done with. “No problem,” he said instinctively. “We’re still not friends!” He sighed and walked over to feed Abel who was practically begging by now and caught a glimpse of himself in the reflection of the bottom of Abel’s metal bowl. It was more colorful than normal. He titled his head and squinted. Was that-- Putain. He rushed over to the washroom to check the mirror there. “What the fuck did you do to my hair?! And where the hell is my nose?”

“Hmf! Why didn’t you just say that? How was I supposed to know you were saying the opposite of what you mean! No wonder humans are so confused all the time.” Rumpleskuffs retorted, putting his hands on his hips. “How do you know what a dog wants? Can you talk to him? Do you bark?” The Big Leg was insisten they weren’t friends, and Rumpleskuffs rolled his eyes, nodding along. Sure, sure sure, they weren’t truly friends until they’d taken each other’s names. Rumpleskuffs was still just a young adult pixie at six years old, but he had friends! He knew how this all worked. He watched the Big Leg go to feed the dog - if that was what it truly was - but when Kaden bolted out the room, Rumpleskuff cackled, clutching his tiny belly as Kaden yelled. “Your nose is still there! You were trying to make it smaller so I helped! Now you don’t have to feel so self conscious. The hair is my thanks to you, buddy! For teaching me how to take off a shirt.”

“I know what the dog wants because he’s my dog, that’s how.” Kaden ran his hand through his hair as he examined it in the mirror, looking at every stupid colorful follicle. Putain, it was awful. Fucking terrible. He couldn’t leave the house like this. He looked like a fucking clown. Was that it? Was that their angle, the mimes? Make him into a clown? Fucking hell. “I don’t know whose nose this is but it’s sure as hell not mine! I didn’t want it smaller! Why the hell did you think I wanted a magical nose job? Putain de merde!” He brushed his fingers against his nose and it still felt the same but he looked like a strange reject cartoon character. “Put it back!” He yelled as he ran back out to confront the pixie. “Put it back or so help me, I’ll--” He raised his hand like he was going to smack the cage across the room. Instead he screamed and grabbed the pad of post-it’s nearby and threw them instead. Abel ran after it, excited for the latest round of fetch. Kaden still had a sneaking suspicion killing this thing would be more trouble than it was worth. And what if he killed the thing and this was all permanent? He didn’t know how fae bullshit worked but knowing his luck, it would be that kind of unfortunate citation. “Just put it back how it was!” he demanded, slamming his fist on the counter.

Rumpleskuffs laughed until he ran out of air, and then laughed more, silently shaking his entire tiny body as Kaden threw things across the room and glared at him. “But you look so much better!” He crowed, rubbing the top of his head and illusioning his nonexistent hair into existence to match Kaden’s. “You were pinching at your nose, what else was I supposed to do? It’s not my fault you have such bad self esteem.” He pouted, buzzing up to as close to Kaden as the tiny cage permitted. “You don’t like them? That sure hurts, Big Leg, right in the old ribcage!” He banged his chest to demonstrate, and also to cause the hurt so that he could be dramatic and not lie all at once! “Are you sure you want me to put them back? I bet you have a real cute partner lying around here somewhere or some pretty person you want to impress. This is probably the first time you’ll look this amazing in your life! But if you’re sure, real real sure…” Rumpleskuffs stilled, smiling widely, and raised his hands quizzically. “What will you give me in return?”

“I do not look better! I look like a clown!” Kaden shouted. There was nothing left to throw, but luckily Abel brought the now slobbery post-it pad back. So he threw it again. “Bad self es-- Bad self esteem?! I have plenty good self esteem because I don’t normally look like this!” he said, pulling up a strand of hair that was neon green. This would be so much easier if he could just kill the goddamn pixie. But no, nothing in his life could be that simple. The wrath of the mimes wasn’t worth it. “I do have a partner and she can’t see me like this! Put it back!” Kaden huffed out a low grumble and then got closer to the cage. This is why he hated fucking fae magic. Word binding and deals and crap like that. He didn’t want to give this little shit anything. Not if he could help it. It would surely come back to bite him if he did. That’s how it worked, right? “Come on. My partner I mentioned? She’s fae. Has really nice wings just like yours. You wouldn’t want to upset her, right?”

Rumpleskuffs’ eyes grew wide and stunned at Kaden. “A fae is dating… you?? Why? Is it for the dog?” Maybe there was something about this Big Legs that he’d missed. Even if he was human. Rumpleskuffs scrunched up his mouth, staring at the humongous face up close to the cage. “Would she really be upset? Your hair looks so pretty now. Wouldn’t she be upset you’re keeping me in an iron cage?”

“It’s not for the dog! It’s--” Kaden was getting baited by a fucking pixie. This is why he was taught not to talk to fae. This. All of this. “Yes, I’m dating a fae. Only she, uh, she doesn’t really know that she’s… fae. While having wings.” He rubbed his face with his palms, feeling his too small nose. This fae shit was exhausting. “But yes, she would be upset about what you did. Very upset.” Probably terrified. Especially if she saw it happening in front of her. As for keeping the pixie in a cage, well, his mind wandered to Locard, the fire salamander. And how she stuck it in the freezer to study it. Granted the fire salamander didn’t talk. He still couldn’t imagine she’d respond well to a mime pixie. And even if he didn’t think it was safe to let it out of the cage, torturing it and experimenting on it was out of the question. He killed things to keep humanity safe, prolonging any harm wasn’t something he endorsed. “You know, she might be worse than me if she saw you. So how about we keep her out of this. And you change all of this back.”  

“Wow, that’s so sad. Maybe if I talked to her I could help her! Better than some human, uh, not much offense,” Rumpleskuffs declared, unable to resist a small giggle as Kaden touched his face, and the obvious discomfort that came with that particular sensation. No nose to pinch now! The Big Leg seemed to hesitate, thinking thunking, and maybe he wouldn’t get to meet this fae with the pretty wings and bad taste after all. Rumpleskuffs pouted, his big eyes wide and watery. “Ah ah ah! No sirree. We have come all full circle, like mushrooms, and I gotta ask again! If you want me to change it all back, what are you going to give me, buddy?”

“You like hearing? Because if so I’d suggest you don’t talk to her just yet.” Kaden sighed and crossed his arms in front of his chest. Making deals with fae was against all his better judgement. Granted his judgement had been spectacularly poor as of late. So who the fuck knew. “What do you want? Other than being let out.”

“You’re dating a Banshee?” Rumpleskuffs squealed, squeezing his fists together under his chin and grinning widely. “That’s so cool! I didn’t know there were any near here. Now you have to introduce me! They’re so like amazing with the screams and the eyes and the dangly breasts and the mass murder ooh I bet she’s totally awesome oh my golly gee whiz!” Rumpleskuffs squealed with glee, glowing bright white before settling down. He tapped his chin in thought. “Well, this cage is all iron and I can’t even stand in it so like a tiny piece tree bark would be awesome, and some honey, Like a teaspoon, not much, and oh if you make good pie can I have like a crumb of strawberry pie, and I want to ride your dog and can I get some glitter and ooh I want to get your name too because how can we be roommates if I’m just calling you Big Leg all the time and oh I never want to wear clothes ever again and I want to listen to human music and I want to hear alllllll about your cool girlfriend.”

Kaden wasn’t sure if his brows had unfurrowed once in this whole conversation. “I am yeah-- Wait, her breasts aren’t-- And hey! There’s no mass murder! No murder at all. Wait, what do you mean mass murder? That’s not a banshee thing” Was it a banshee thing? Didn’t matter, it wasn’t a Regan thing. He knew that for sure. Very sure. Definitely sure. Kaden let out another exasperated sigh. Couldn’t fucking believe he was doing this.“I can cover the bottom of the cage and give you honey and the pie. No riding the dog. No glitter.” Though to be honest, he probably could find some from somewhere. Blanche had sent him enough and it never ever really left. “Maybe glitter. And you cannot have my name. You can know it but it’s still mine.” Word play wasn't his forte and his fae knowledge may be limited, but there were a few standard things he knew to watch for. “I’ll do all that if you promise to take this back and not change my appearance again. Then I’ll turn on music and you can ask me what you want about my girlfriend.”

“Have you not heard the story of the Banshee Moira? Oh it is a good one!” Rumpleskuffs said, before covering his mouth. “But it’s not for human ears. Especially angry humans. Has anyone ever ever told you you’re real scary like?” He listened attentively to what the Big Leg agreed to, scrunching up his nose as the human refused to let him have his name. “It’s a deal! Shake on it, big leg!” He spat on his hand, and stuck his arm out the cage for Kaden to shake. “That’s a thing I hear human’s do all the time. So are you impressed? Oh, my name’s Rumpleskuffs, buddy!”

Moira. Kaden made a note to look that up later. Somewhere. “So I’ve been told,” he said, still not quite sure how he ended up in this position. No wonder his mother thought he was a disgrace to the Langley name. He made deals with fucking pixies. “You know you don’t have to spit in your hand. That’s not--” Kaden rolled his eyes and held out his index finger to shake it with the small fae’s hand. “Yeah, impressed. Sure. I’m something alright. You can call me Kaden.” He took one of the slobbery post-its from the pad in Abel’s mouth and folded it up to place at the bottom of the cage and slipped it in before the stereo on and playing ABBA. “I’ll get you the honey while I make the fucking pies. Now put it back.”