#frwdmvmnt

Good morning! I’m sitting in my living/dining room, drinking a cup of “Soo Good” Philz coffee that I prepared in our single-serve french press. Click the link I added to the coffee title if you’re interested in having a cup of your own (and aren’t in California); you will NOT be disappointed! I’m also listening (and singing along) to “What A Beautiful Name” by Hillsong Worship. If you’ve never heard the song, I linked a youtube video in the song title. I just finished tuning into live church online while my husband and daughter sleep.

life is surreal

I have tears in my eyes because I feel consumed by the Spirit of God and I’m grateful for the peace I feel. I felt anxious all week and am finally feeling so much lighter. On July 3, 2018, I had a PET/CT scan that my oncologist ordered so we can get a clear understanding of where my health stands. I was diagnosed with Stage I Classic Hodgkin’s Lymphoma on December 22, 2016 and opted not to treat it with chemotherapy or radiation. I did choose to combat the disease with natural remedies, including supplements that boost immune system function, cannabis (CBD-concentrated, as well as cannabis with equal parts THC and CBD), alternative treatments studied in Germany (Mistle Toe Therapy) and general wellness practices to balance my mental, emotional, physical and spiritual systems. It sounds like a lot; it is. On August 6, 2018 I learned I was pregnant. At that time, my (then) oncologist believed the lymphoma spread to Stage III. After a second opinion from the Lymphoma specialists at UCSF, we learned it was still early stage; I was just PREGNANT. Flash forward nine months, Angie was born on March 30, 2018, which also happened to be Good Friday. 

now playing: “Reckless Love” by Cory Asbury (title linked to YouTube)

During those nine months, I didn’t take anything except a few supplements; mainly vitamin D3, fish oil, a prenatal vitamin and iron. There were no immune system boosters in my system; no Mistle Toe injections; no cannabis oil or edibles; definitely no chemotherapy. I prayed a lot and fought anxiety that I didn’t talk about, not even to my therapist, for fear that if I spoke about it, it would become more intense. It sounds silly, right? I think a lot of people have that problem; we think that if we don’t talk about our problems, they don’t exist. 

now playing: “I Surrender” by Hillsong Worship (title linked to YouTube)

If “autoplay” is turned ON while you listen to music on YouTube, YouTube will automatically play another “related” video once the current video finishes. I started with “What A Beautiful Name” and the songs that I listed above automatically played after because they are worship songs. 

I surrender.

I didn’t want to do chemotherapy or radiation because I wanted to explore more natural, gentler methods. For the time I was implementing them, they kept the Hodgkin’s at bay. In the nine months I was unable to use those methods, I got routine blood work that were normal each time. This PET/CT scan will let us know what’s happened in my body during the last year. If it has spread, I will move forward with chemotherapy. That was the agreement with my doctors and with God. 

God is faithful.

The Lord spoke to me in February of 2017. He let me know I would not die of cancer. He let me know doctors would look for cancer and find that I was pregnant. He said I would have two more children. He told me He would provide. He doesn’t fold when He makes promises. He speaks truth, no matter what the enemy leads you to believe. All that anxiety I felt leading up to today was just a ploy for my heart to be discouraged and my joy to be stolen. I have so much joy in my life; to be thankful for. I was born to wonderful parents who have ALWAYS been supportive of me and present during my trials and triumphs. I married my best friend, who has been with me through so many valleys and so many mountaintops. Our love was used to bring a strong, intelligent, sweet, easy going, and gorgeous (among other adjectives) baby girl into the world. So many people love me so much and shower us with that love. I work for a company filled with people who are caring and compassionate; a company that provides the best health insurance, which allows me to afford that super expensive treatment, should I opt to move forward with the standard of care in western medicine. I have love in my heart for this world and the people in it. I’m still alive and able to make decisions that will move me toward a complete recovery. I know that all of this is true because God loves me and provides for my needs. 

now playing: “Oceans (Where Feet May Fall)” by Hillsong United (title linked to YouTube)

My mind naturally sees the positive in all circumstances. This has been part of me for as long as I can remember. I only speak what I believe to be true; this applies to the positivity I share with others in person or on social media. That said, I know that no matter what the outcome of this scan, God has amazing things in store for my family and I. I know that I (and all the billions of people on earth) will die some day, but that day is not coming soon and it will not be brought by Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. I know that I will be victorious in this endeavor and that God will use my testimony to attract others to His kingdom. I know that I am not the diagnosis that was assigned to the condition of my physical body. My spirit is not filled with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, nor is my heart or mind. I admit that I’m afraid sometimes, but I remember what God promised and I get back to enjoying my husband and our daughter and the life that God has allowed us to build. 

now playing: “Lord I Need You” by Chris Tomlin (title linked to YouTube)

Life is not always smooth sailing. It’s filled with hardship in many forms; everyone battles something. Some people have mental health struggles, while others face financial hurdles or relationship setbacks. Many people face many struggles all at once and have no idea how they’ll overcome. I’ve been there; I’m there. I don’t have all the answers and I don’t know what I should do about each and every struggle I’m facing. I’m just trying not to get ahead of myself. I’m doing my best to remain rooted in faith so that I can face the problems of TODAY. I know I’m doing the right thing when I feel at peace about it. 

reality

Sometimes, other people will have negative opinions about how one chooses to live life. That’s okay. It’s because of that reality that I mostly opt NOT to share my experiences until after deciding and executing on how to move forward; decisions I’m at peace with. I avoid unsolicited advice and creating space for others to project their fears and anxieties, negative thoughts, and limiting beliefs onto me. This is why I initially opted not to share the news about the Hodgkin’s diagnosis and, more recently, when we decided not to announce that we were expecting a baby. It was hard for some people to understand that we didn’t want to share the news for such big life events. We (my husband and I) knew that sharing that would bring about the unsolicited (and, frankly, unwanted) opinions others have about how to “correctly” navigate cancer, pregnancy and raising a family. Some might argue that people can’t always avoid or worry about what other people think. This is true. However, if I can limit the amount of stress or time wasted by entertaining conversations about what other people think is right for my life, I will; I have.

peace

I feel a lot better after writing, crying and just being open. I carried anxiety with me during pregnancy, after giving birth and into the PET/CT scan. I journaled and prayed about it a lot in the last couple of weeks. Yesterday, I journaled my prayers and declared victory over the struggles and burdens I carry. I thanked God and released the negativity and anxiety I was keeping alive in my mind. Today’s message at church was on POINT with that declaration. I’m part of the family at The Father’s House (click to visit their website and watch live church online) and am grateful for the points Pastor Dave Patterson shared regarding how to “armor up” while diving into my FAVORITE scripture passage, Ephesians 6:10-18 (click to be directed to the text). I’ll share them really fast: 1. Take your personal stand; 2. Live a life that is centered in (God’s) truth; 3. Walk daily in right standing with God; 4. Lift up the name of Jesus. It was a pretty packed message, so I won’t go into more detail here. I just want to share that we can only control ourselves when we are going through tough times. Having strong faith REALLY helps, but you have to put in work in order for your faith to be strengthened. Even when putting in that work, you may have doubts or moments of weakness. In those times, lean on God and the support system He has given each of us in order to persevere here on earth. The Lord provides and He is faithful. 

Thank you for reading and being part of this journey I’m on. My prayer is that your heart, mind, body and spirit be encouraged to overcome, grow and prosper. I truly believe that we are each presented with struggles we can handle, maybe not on our own strength, but certainly through leaning on God. If you don’t have a relationship with God, you may see life differently. I respect that you’re on a different path and appreciate your attention, as this entire post is heavily focused on my own faith. I suspect that if you opted to continue reading, you already know that always talk about my faith, since every single thing I do stems from a place of intentional devotion to the Almighty. Either way, I pray you live a life filled with joy, peace, purpose and love. Have a great week!

Peace/Love/Growth

——