#frozen nuts

Friday, November 18th, 2022 | 8:00 p.m.

 I couldn’t be more heartbroken. (Okay, in retrospect, yes, even as I’m feeling these feelings I can still think about future me taking a look back at this retrospectively and seeing it for what it is, and how silly it is to be feeling this way, and how it’s not a literal statement, since there are thousands of REAL things that could break my heart more than what I’m about to describe).

 Yesterday, I was at work when I offered a coworker 18 years younger than me a ride to work on my day off because he had to ride a bike over 10 miles to get to work when the temperature would be 31 degrees with a windchill of 21 degrees. I may as well have been wearing my Dahmer glasses and holding a bag of candy when I offered, because he responded with “No, I can’t ask you to do that.”

 In the mind of a rational person; a person who doesn’t have mental illnesses such as OCD, Depression, Anxiety, and so on, this would generally be an okay conversation. Unfortunately, I am not rational, and I do have the aforementioned conditions, and when this sort of thing happens to a person like me, in the immediate aftermath, it destroys you. The aftermath, of course, being finding out that rather than take you up on your offer for a ride, they have done the unimaginable: rode a bicycle to work.

 “It’s no problem really,” I begin. “I have no life, and when I’m working third shift hours, and I’m not at work, I tend to keep the same schedule otherwise it messes me up when I return to work after the weekend.”

 “I can’t ask you to give me a ride when you don’t even need to be here.”

 “But you didn’t ask,” I continue. “I offered, and really, it’d give me something to do. I have no life outside of work. I work 12-hour days Monday through Friday, and right now I’m working 3rd shift hours for the boss, who asked me to do him this favor, so outside of work, I really see no one in my life. You guys are my life during the week. I go to the gym for an hour after work, and then I get something to eat and go home and go to bed. I hate the thought of you riding your bike in subfreezing temperatures when I’m fully capable of driving you to work.”

 I honestly thought I’d gotten him to see reason. I’d even joked with him last night on and off about it, with statements like “I’ll see you at 7. Where should I pick you up at?” or “I’ll do a Facebook Live from the comfort of my warm, toasty home for your ride to work if you don’t let me take you.” But tonight, when I woke up at around 7 p.m. and write “Awake. So just do not hesitate to hop on messenger and say ‘please help come pick me up I’m such an idiot for not telling you to come get me’” I was actually expecting that he hadn’t attempted to leave on a bike at that point, since he hadn’t even signed up to work until like 9 p.m. and it was only 7. When I received the message back “I’m almost to work now” my heart sank. I feel like, to him, I look like a complete desperate, and utter repulsive subhuman being.

 I unfriended him just now, in the midst of my mental agony. The agony that comes along with the mental ailments I have. The problem with this situation is that there are no good solutions to the situations I put myself in. If I put myself out there, I’m opening myself up to rejection. If I feel rejected, then this agony happens. Nobody knows that this happens to me, so I can’t blame them, but it does, alas, happen. The alternative: Don’t ever put myself out there, and in turn, miss connecting with humans on a deeper level than just associates. It gets lonely when you work so much and, in turn, have very little interaction with those outside of work. Neither of these 2 choices are at all desirable.

 So here we are. Another broken heart, another missed connection. Just one more thing to confirm that the negative voices in my head are right about me: No one likes me. No one ever has, and no one ever will. No one likes me, much less loves me. I am unlovable. I am no one. I am a waste of space.

 The ongoing dilemma is that I have no choice but to keep this all to myself and keep on truckin like a trooper. There is no one who could be the audience to something like this. This is what the therapists call “Catastrophizing.” It comes along with the mental ailments I have. Of catastrophize Dictionary.com says: verb (used with or without object), ca·tas·tro·phized, ca·tas·tro·phiz·ing.

to view or talk about (an event or situation) as worse than it actually is, or as if it were a catastrophe: Stop catastrophizing and get on with your life! She tends to catastrophize her symptoms.

 But knowing all of the effects of mental ailments; their terms and definitions, doesn’t help you when you’re in the midst of having an “episode.” So I can sit here and duly feel like shit, and know the pointlessness of feeling like shit simultaneously. My only solace is that I actually have the experience of knowing these harsh feelings are temporary, just as temporary as my “friendship” with this coworker was. Yes, unfortunately, when you’re as far gone as I am, mentally, you don’t make much headway in the way of ongoing healthy relationships with humans. I can’t be someone’s friend if I feel rejected by them, even if I also believe that their rejection of me wasn’t really rejection, but them being polite in not asking me to do what they believe was going out of my way to help them out.

 I said above that there’s no audience that’s capable of hearing this sort of mental BS, but I was wrong: I can share it here with you guys on FaceBook, and just delete it later. After all, no one even cares about me anyway (still catastrophizing I see).

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