#frozen 2010

Our leading lady is Emma Bell (Final Destination 5), her male companions are Shawn Ashmore (It Feeds, The Following, & The Boys), and Kevin Zegers (Dawn of the Dead 2004, & Vampire 2011). They are all going on a fun snowboarding/skiing day together. “I’m not dating you, you don’t have to make my life suck.” WHAT A LINE. Simple, elegant, and to the point! We are only about twenty (20) minutes into the film but I have to point out that the movie poster only shows two (2) people on the chair lift, one (1) is clearly the girl (Parker) and the other is one (1) of the boys, dangling off of the lift. An absolutely wild spoiler to give right off the bat, but here we are! Not sure which boy is dying first (1st) but based on the fact that Parker is only dating one (1) of them, I’m going to guess the surviving dude isn’t going to be her boyfriend (because that’s going to be more dramatic). I could be wrong, but then I’ll just delete the guess and nobody will be the wiser! The way they get stuck on the lift is stupid, it’s basically just two (2) small errors which seems like way too few errors for something so dangerous to occur, do you know what I mean? The three (3) immediately go to doom-and-gloom and ask each other about the worst ways to die. Parker brings up 9/11? Wild. Absolutely wild (raise your hand if you’ve ever been asked to stop talking about 9/11). Also as soon as the resort turns out the lights Parker is sobbing, which, I sort of understand, but also, (bitch, you should have just eaten something) she just needs to chill out, it has only been dark for a moment. A man in some sort of snow vehicle comes by and they throw things at him to get his attention but he doesn’t see them and drives away.

Dan, Parker’s boyfriend, is concerned about the frostbite starting on her cheek and decides to jump off of the lift to go for help (I’ve seen this act described as “jumping the shark” and I think that is incredibly accurate). Wack and a half that he straight legged it all the way down. He didn’t roll or anything. He absolutely wrecked his legs, broke them in half with the bones sticking out. I’m not exactly sure what I would have tried to do (if I would have jumped) but I like to imagine I would have attempted some type of roll to avoid injury… Joe asks if Dan can slide down the hill… “No, I can’t slide down the fucking hill! I’m bleeding to death, man!” This is the point, as anyone who read “The Interlopers” in English class knows, the wolves appear. I think this is a little silly since this is a very populated skiing trail but also, what the Hell do I know? While at first they are able to scare the wolves off, but they eventually come for Dan and all his juicy leg blood. Dan nobly tells Joe not to let Parker look as the wolves rip him apart, but here is the thing. I watch a lot of movies. I also love animals. I know when a trained wolf is doing their job (and enjoying it). Those wolves were just having a fun time. So while Joe and Parker were crying and acting their hearts out, and Dan and the wolves were also acting their hearts out, I also knew that those wolves were having the time of their lives playing with Dan. So, yeah, I wasn’t so devastated when Dan died, because it was sort of adorable. Until he was gone, that is, then I straightened up and got a bit more serious. 

Joe made an attempt (while Dan was still alive) to shimmy across the cable (to a pole and a subsequent ladder) but it cut through his gloves and he had to come back to their chair. During some useless part in Parker and Joe’s arguing one (1) of them says to the other (does it matter who?) “Why’d you let him jump?” Which is wild and hurtful. Dan jumped down on his own accord and neither Parker nor Joe stopped him (neither of them knew what carnage would follow). They sleep through the night and in the morning Parker pees her pants, which I understand to a point, but she also just needs to put her fanny in the wind to relieve herself so she isn’t wet and she can stay dry and warm… UGH. She also woke up with her hand wrapped around the metal safety bar so she had to rip her skin off of it… Gross! Joe and Parker make more conversation (They talk about Dan and (weirdly but also sort of sweetly) Parker’s dog) before Joe tries (again) to climb to a pole/ladder. On his way up Joe somehow loosens the chair Parker is sitting in so now it is barely hanging on. The camera keeps cutting to the wolves below, because, somehow, they are aware of what is going on many feet above them and they have skin in the game. ABSOLUTELY WILD. “You can do it! Please do it.” Great pep talk, Parker. You could be a cheerleader! Joe makes it to the pole, climbs down the ladder, fights off the wolves, then slides down the mountain telling Parker he will be back with help…

The next morning when Parker wakes up she realizes that since help isn’t here yet it probably isn’t coming. She realizes that, for the first time in this entire movie (since the very beginning) she is going to have to actually do something for herself. Parker starts to maneuver in her chair but it finally starts to fall, Parker lands first, then the car falls on her leg/foot, injuring her (though not nearly as badly as Dan). The wolves are nowhere to be seen and Parker begins to slide/tumble down the mountain. Near the bottom she sees blood and runs into body parts (presumably Joe) and the wolves. The wolves are too busy with the meat to care about her so she can continue gliding on. She makes it to the road and is able to flag down a car who is taking her to the hospital when she hears Dan’s voice in her head one (1) last time before the title flashes and the credits roll.