#frommyspace

The first step is admitting I have a problem...

I think that I might have a problem, or be completely normal, I’m not sure.

The thing is…that whenever I see someone…especially a man…and even more especially…a gross man… I have to…if only for a split second… imagine what it would be like to have sex with them…

It’s not even like I imagine myself having sex with these people as much as what it is like for someone who has or possibly does.

It’s almost as if I enjoy making myself cringe. I mean the grosser and nastier the person, the more likely I am to imagine it. If you are plain as paper, I’ll probably just go about my day. BUT if you are Mr. Creepface McGee himself…I will probably picture you naked.

This, of course, does not exclude the other end of the spectrum. I will most likely think about doing you if you are really hot too   =)

I am angry!!

This time Burger King has gone too far!!

I mean both The King character and “The Whopper Virgin” were creepy enough, but just look at some of their other advertisement flops…

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Burger_King_advertising

However this time I think enough is enough, I am angry at the “Angry Whopper”. Who and why in the hell would I ever want to eat something that has feelings and will “bite you back”??? They couldn’t have chosen a better adjective to describe their product? The last thing I want to think about while eating is how my food is feeling. What’s next, I just imagine an entire line of food products with feelings attached to them…

-pissed off cheese burgers

-disgruntled chicken strips

-suicidal fries

-uptight apple pies

-ill-tempered shakes

-infuriated sodas

What exactly does a burger have to be angry about anyways? Shouldn’t it have accepted its own fate by now? Who comes up with this stuff and even worse, who buys into it?

If my food really insists on being so angry then I will be angry right back at it!!

If you eat one of these things, we are no longer friends I swear.

The Statue of Hayliberty..

I am trying to figure out what it is about me that I always choose the most notoriously difficult people to befriend and then I befriend them. And it's not that I just make acquaintances with these people, no, that wouldn't be good enough for me. I possess the ability to get really close with these people, earn their trust, and keep them close. Now don't take what I do the wrong way, I am very genuine in my intentions, it's not like I see it as a challenge or some sort of game. I am simply drawn to these people and something about them makes me want to be their friend, and vice versa. Some examples:

The awkward loner: The person just says and does really odd things and makes everyone else feel strange because of it. They try to avoid going out or doing anything that involves more than 3 people. They usually don't have many friends for obvious reasons. I think everyone knows someone like this, I just happen to know a lot.

The eccentric: This person is usually too busy with so many different things that they don't have the time or energy left to invest in just one friend. You may never understand them or relate to them, they are often misunderstood and simply need to be appreciated for exactly what they are.

The social butterfly: Thrives in social settings, has a ton of "friends" on the surface level, but is really lacking when it comes to close intimate relationships. They tend to spread themselves thin because they are always looking for something better than what is happening right now.

The egomaniac: Like the social butterfly they are not usually awkward in a social setting. In fact they really enjoy being the center of attention. They might have a few close friends but for the most part they are extremely elitist and proud of it. It's almost as if they think they are too good for the general public.

The "I don't give a fuck": This person plays it off like they don't need friends. They are perfectly fine without them. They usually harbor some sort of deep seeded inadequacy issues and do not really know how to handle their own emotions. It scares them to be vulnerable with other people because it might damage their reputation…or something.

And so without any better comparison, I feel like a beacon for lost souls sometimes…

my conundrum..

So I have this problem; every morning when I get up I have to fear for my life...

Why you ask? I will tell you, but before I go on let me backtrack a bit and reveal something about myself that you will probably find insignificant now and will make perfect sense in a moment… I hate socks! I HATE them, I always have, I probably always will. They are worse than pantyhose in respects to constriction. Growing up I remember putting my mother through hell trying to find socks that I would be willing to wear. We would go from store to store looking for a pair of socks that didn't make me throw a fit, and even harder was finding shoes that would allow me to not wear socks when we were unsuccessful. I hate everything to do with socks. I do not like that they squish my toes together; I do not like that they fall down my calves, and most of all I do not like the damned seam that is sewn across the end. When I put socks and shoes on it drives me crazy to feel that seam inside my shoe. So much so that I would often just take my socks off as a child or even pull them down and fold them at the toe under my foot. Now days, as an adult, I have had the pleasure of trying on a lot of different kinds of socks. I have found that I can occasionally be okay with wearing really ridiculous argyle socks for limited amounts of time (but only if the seams do not poke out). I currently own exactly two pairs of these socks and even they are rarely seen. Usually only if my feet are freezing at night and shoes are not involved or if I go hiking, but I digress...

Every morning I have to fear for my life!!

The house that I live in has a parking lot in back which I am grateful for. What I am not grateful for is the walk to get to said parking lot. You see, to get to the back of my house there is one narrow pathway to be taken from the front porch around the side and to the lot. This pathway just happens to be conveniently located directly beneath the eve of my roof. That is all fine and dandy except that there is no rain gutter on my roof and so when it is wet outside water slides down from the top of my roof and directly off the side…and onto my narrow pathway. I am fairly used to this by now, having lived here for a while. When there is a heavy rain, water comes down in sheets from my rooftop and ambushes the pathway. In times like this I am usually mildly annoyed and simply trudge through the grass that is adjacent the pathway that leads to my car. However it is winter now. When my roof gets covered with melting snow and water begins to slide down over the side at freezing temperatures, humongous 3-4ft. icicles form hanging from the eve. I like to call them “deathcicles”. These deathcicles are constantly dripping and freezing all winter until they get so big that they spear to the ground and shatter only to leave way for a new and even more gargantuous deathcicle…

Now I am sure you are thinking to yourself what in the hell do my distain for socks and my rain-gutter-less roof possibly have to do with one another??? Even more importantly how do these things make me fear for my life and why do I have such a conundrum??? Well let me tell you…

Every morning I am faced with a decision; In order to get to work on time I must either suffer frozen feet or risk an icy impalement. Because I refuse to wear proper foot protection even in the coldest of weather my feet get soaked if I decide to walk in even the shallowest of snow. And because I cannot really shovel a pathway through the grass I have to walk through snow to get to my parking lot. OR I can walk on the pathway that is directly underneath these shards of death. You can see my dilemma…

Furthermore, I would like to point out that before work alone I have to make this decision at least three times because I have to walk both to and from my car in order to warm it up and once more to finally leave. This does not even include the rest of the day with which I may or may not have to drive somewhere.

Now my question to you is what the hell am I supposed to do about this…Get some snow boots, put plastic bags over my shoes, dust off those argyle foot corsets??? Highly unlikely. How about snowballing all of those deathcicles down, convincing my landlord of the need for a rain gutter, or finding another route to my parking lot??? Even more unlikely.

And so, I am forced, every single morning to toy with losing life or limb, I must get up every day and fear for my life…

Dear thieving bastards,

I would like to take this opportunity to personally thank you for breaking into my car Thursday night. I can tell that your IQ must be through the roof because instead of taking my ipod that was hidden so strategically in my glove compartment between two napkins; you instead stole the $10 cord that connects it to my stereo. I can also tell that you must have some kind of impeccable conscience because instead of just smashing in any ol' window to rummage through my things you chose to break the smallest back window and unlock all of my doors by hand. Perhaps you didn’t want to make too much of a glass mess for me to vacuum up today or maybe you even had the replacement cost in mind. However and just FYI the smallest window in my car just happens to be the most expensive to replace. Next time just smash the windshield, its cheaper => Finally I would like to congratulate you on your amazing taste. Not only did you pick the cheapest car to rob but upon robbing it you dropped a punch card to La Puente which everyone knows makes the best Mexican food in town!

In conclusion, once again, I would just like to take a minute out of my day to thank such a smart, conscientious thief with impeccable taste for violating my property. I will be at La Puente getting my free taco on your dime.

-Hay

A terrible (mis)fortune...

I just opened a fortune cookie to receive this: "you lead a useful life no matter what riches are coming to you" Now just think about this for a minute. Of all the words that could be substituted in place for "useful" I can think of maybe 10 that would fit better/hold a better meaning/ BE A BETTER FORTUNE!

10. happy

9. fulfilling

8. worthwhile

7. satisfying

6. productive

5. content

4. successful

3. legitimate (?)

2. accomplishing

1. rewarding

you get the point...

What kind of third world Communist country is in charge of making these damn cookies anyway?

WTF??

So if you have talked to me at all recently you probably know about my mouse situation. Our house has a mouse or mice, I’m not sure. It likes to break into our pantry and eat my food. And so what do I do? I go out and buy mouse traps. Before I get flailed at by all of the animal rights activists out there just know that I bought three different kinds of deterrents. I bought the humane ones, the classic (squish them in half) ones, and some high frequency plug for the outlet that sup positively scares them away. So after a few nights of the humane trap set and the plug thingy not working I decide to take desperate measures and bait the snappy traps. Another night passes and to my surprise the traps have been de-baited but not snapped. Okay I can live with this, cheese is obviously not going to work so I re-bait them with peanut butter and wait. This morning, to my surprise, one of the traps is missing???? Now thinking this through all day Ive decided that I’m dealing with some sort of genetically enhanced super mouse here. How the fuck did he manage to take the trap with him???? I could be okay with maybe finding it across the floor or under the table or in another room, but no, its gone. I have searched the house, every corner, every closet, every nook, and no trap or mouse!!!! That little fucker not only owes me for all the food he has ruined but for the trap he stole as well. I am furious. That’s it, this is war.

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so much for safe sex!

So if you read any of my blogs you probably remember the one about the evil robot mice that live in my house..

They won’t die!

Now most recently I have noticed that one rogue mouse has taken up residence in my room. I noticed only two days ago when I was awoken by a scratching sound of this little bugger in my drawer eating my chocolate kisses. HOWEVER, if this isnt bad enough, last night while I was gone, the little fucker ate through all of my condoms!!!

My landlord sure got a bitchy call today..