#from feb

My brain is stuck thinking about how your punches felt like being passionately kissed. A personal greeting between the two of us. You knew how exactly how hard I liked being hit. I still remember how you caught me off guard slapping me that one time, how I was likely expected to catch it. That hurt like a bitch. I wonder how different things could have been if at incidents such as that you stopped and thought about it, maybe even apologized. I still don't understand why I deserved everything I got. At one point in our relationship, he strangled me, and it broke something in my esophagus, I took your panic at my dying state as an apology. That injury took more than two years to heal, I wasn't able to receive proper medical care. You refused to help me recover after the first week. After the injury, I struggled eating or drinking without choking, I still do. I physically couldn't talk. My throat would pop and crunch, it felt like I was suffocating and fighting to cling to my body. I was terrified of falling asleep and not waking up so many fucking nights. I was terrified of dying to the hands I thought I loved most, I was terrified of dying and my blood being permanently on your hands. Your "care" was so twisted that it disgusts me. It disgusts me you blamed me. It disgusts me you never repented or apologized for any of this- not even the worst thing you'd done to me. That was in the first year of almost five. So many things could have been different, yet you're the victim, and I'm the monster. Have fun with your victim card, wish you blew up on me about all the shitty things I did so I could laugh about it. As honey, you used psychological torture methods I've only read the CIA using. You raped me, you almost killed me(multiple times), you hit me around, you isolated me from everyone and thing in my life, purposefully tore down my identity, you made sure I was beyond help at all points. Then, like you assume I'm fully trained, you drag me into a polycule and try to get me to torture someone with you like you'd done with me, the childhood rival back in the day when I was competing for your love, someone I knew was so significantly softer and kinder than I ever was. It pains me. I protected them the best I could, and you blamed me when after I left *one fucking time*, leaving them alone together, which resulted in them being s/a'ed by you. Like God damn. You could do anything to me, why did you want to break them? I torture myself with guilt because I know I should have done more, maybe I could have made you see the error in your ways, but I tried so many times in so many ways. I broke myself for you, and all I received was losses while we dated. You took away my opportunity for college, the programs and scholarships I was a part of. Above everything, I will never forgive you for that. But you've done several things I find unforgivable. What's different regarding my former programs and scholarships, is with everything else done I could moved on and lived my life, but you ruined the things I was barely able to build in spite of my father, my family, the homelessness and poverty, what's in my blood. Fuck you. I'm at least proud I'm getting closer to hating you, I need to but it seems so impossible.

I've been contemplating my masochism, as I recently came to an epiphany that it's a bit more all consuming than I had thought. I never noticed how bad it was, and that I shouldn't have let people treat me certain ways just because it caused conflicting feelings I didn't understand. I believe a large part of a ruined relationship I had was my unrecognized masochism, I would essentially let them hurt me, abuse me, really anything he wanted, and when it surpassed what I could take I wouldn't have the words for it being geniunely hurtful and not okay. I don't know, that relationship was insane, I loved him, our dynamic, the life we were promising to each other, but on the outside, it didn't look very lovely and I don't think we knew what we were doing. I keep thinking with consent and boundaries on both ends, maybe even a contract, it could have been perfect. How do you explain masochism to an average individual? Yeah, I unconsciously and consciously really like it when someone mistreats me, it's how I've learned to cope with all sorts of adversity. No one can get under my skin unless I let them. I believe this also comes from trying to condition myself to be happy or find forfillment in what depresses/made me want to die, as I had nothing in my life be reliably good. It feels like I need it, and there's where I think it's gotten out of control, it would be fine for a coping mechanism otherwise. I left a stable relationship with someone who wasn't abusive, he could have been perfect to anyone but me, so sweet and devoted, a rough past with a heart of tarnished silver. I left him after a year and a half, as I just felt something was wrong with me, I wasn't feeling as loving as I should, he was getting confused because sometimes I "looked at him like I didn't even know him", the more I looked and myself and him, I saw how incompatible we were. I was his thrill, I was becoming his loose cannon, I was becoming the fire he'd blow into, and I was scared of that. I didn't understand my desires, he didn't either, and I knew I was going to hurt him so badly. I truly believe he was in love with me, besides the masochism, I am hopelessly devoted to my partners. I did the best I could until I saw I was going to do more harm than good. I couldn't bear to drag a gentle soul through a relationship with me. Almost worst of all to my guilt, he was boring. Predictable. Could be overbearing, clingy, and annoying sometimes, and it was in sweet, healthy ways and not the screaming matches or forcing me to always be at their side I'm used to. I'm so fucked. How many times have I made choices that I had at least estimated would ruin or majorly throw off the course of my life? Why is my selfishness motivated by hurting myself and not obtaining more? I'm so confused, I could write pages about contradictions I observe in myself, which somehow, the conflicting statements are both true.