did you hear the news of the new cast member who flirts with a doctor. everyone saying samira and that being abbot’s 13th reason
nooooooooo lol I had NOT heard that. Imagine that poor man, pining from anear for ages, subscribing to an inhumane number of foreign journals so he has a undying spring of "fun" articles to share once every 7-12 days, trying to subtly undo all of Robby's psychic damage, and then along comes Joe Blow with a busted ankle from a Lime scooter versus bird incident who says, "Hey, Dr. Beautiful, wanna get dinner later?" and Samira, stunned, trying so hard not to be a loser shut-in, says, "...........Sure!"
Jack's breaking the land speed record to get to that roof! The guy lost to a goose, Robby. A GOOSE.
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hannah @aquilotti just told me she thought this whole time i was CANADIAN (from CANADA), so with apologies to my canadian followers, i’m going to have to really step up my already persistent and hateful commentary on your country. relocate the habs to santa fe, new mexico. i HOPE sidney crosby DIES. i would happily run anyone wearing a team canada sweater over with my car.
Hiccup saying his “Sorry, dad” line but on the word sorry he Canadian voice actor’s a little too hard and the Scottish accented adult Vikings just stare because they don’t know where this child came from.
Your desperate voice over the phone snaps him into action mode. He hits the shell cell emergency alert button to get his brothers moving and presses the speaker phone button. Two hands free, he can belt his swords into place while getting details.
“Did something happen at the bachelorette party? Stay calm. Tell me what's going on.”
Leo hustles out into main room, barking orders. “Donnie. I need a location on her phone ASAP. Raph, I know you just restocked the first aid kit; make sure it gets into the truck. Mikey—
“Ohmygod Ohmygod Ohmygod!! LEO, THEY FOUND ME!!” Your voice overloads the phone speaker and makes it pop and squeal.
Michelangelo races over to Leonardo and the phone. His face is stricken with fear for you.
“I’ve got a location on her! She’s at Boho Karaoke Orchard—“ Donatello cuts off as bandsaw squealing knifed out of the phone.
“YEEEE! I FOOOUUUUND HEEEERRRR!!!” A chorus of drunken women squeal and laugh in delight. “Our laaaaassttt SINGLE LADY!! Get her shirt! She’s doing topless shots until she gets 3 hotties’ phone numbers!” A raucous cheer goes up.
Raphael barrels back into the room, about to demand when they’re leaving. He gets an earful of you and your best friend, the bride-to-be, fighting over the phone.
“NO no no no, please! I don’t— Let me keep my shirt! AND MY PHONE! Kristy! Give it back! You— you can’t make me to do the shirtless shots!”
“I can and I will and I warned everybody that single ladies in my bridal party get extra attention tonight! You’d better be wearing a sexy bra! Gimme the phone! Who’s Leo anyways?!”
Michelangelo puts his hand over the microphone on the shell cell and whispers, “So…Is this, like, an emergency-emergency?”
Raphael snorts and throws himself into the recliner. “Not one we can help with.”
Leonardo just stares wide-eyed at the phone. Why the heck did you call him of all people? Is he supposed to bust into a karaoke bar and swoop you out before your friends make you do shots? Honestly… maybe you and your friends have already had some drinks. That would explain all this.
“C’mon, sweetie! Who’s Leo? You keeping secrets before my wedding?!”
The phone in his hand echoes with toilet flushes and background girl talk. Apparently you called him from the ladies’ room. He shifts uncomfortably. He should hang up. The women’s bathroom is a private space and you aren’t in the kind of danger that needs … turtle power. Maybe he and the guys could wait outside the bar and make sure you get home okay. With your shirt back on.
“Leo’s …Leo. Um, I shouldn’t talk about… “
Yeah. You're tipsy alright.
“Wait. Who is Leo?” Someone else butts in.
“O.M.G. Is… wait! Is this why you’ve been fighting doing the shots!? IS LEO YOUR BOYFRIEND?!”
Michelangelo swipes the phone right out of Leo’s hand.
Oh no. Leo should have hung up immediately. He should have hung up before he even alerted his brothers. He should have gone back in time and hung up before he was born.
Leo snatches at the phone, but Michelangelo is laughing to bust a gut and has already tossed it to Donatello. Shit. They're going to play keep away.
"Gimme the phone, Donnie." Leonardo stalks closer to Donatello's brain station.
Hopefully Mikey mute the microphone or the whole bridal party is going to hear his brothers.
It’s bad enough that he can hear his brothers.
“OMG. LEO. ARE YOU HER BOYFRIIIEEENND?!”
“Knock it off, Mikey. Don, could you please just hang up and give those girls some privacy?”
“No way! Throw me the phone! We’re not missing this!”
"No! Raph. Don't--"
Leo spins Donatello’s office chair, but it is too late! Donnie has already slingshot the phone over to Raph in the recliner. All Leo gets is a face full of laugh-snorting nerd.
Fine! Follow the phone!
He pivots lightening fast and strikes for the phone in Raph’s grip. Leo leans over Raphael and grins in triumph as he squeezes the plastic casing now in his hand… wait. This is the remote control. The phone is suddenly in Raph’s other hand.
Which is how Leo gets a front row seat to your ultimate betrayal.
“YES! LEO IS MY BOYFRIEND!! I LOVE HIM!! NOW GIVE ME MY PHONE!!”
The sudden happy cry of “OOOOooooOOOOO” from the ladies’ bathroom is loud but not as loud as Leo’s brothers joining in. Shit-eating grins all around. Donatello’s giggling snorts dance out from behind his screens.
“Ho. Lee. Shit! You have a boyfriend and you didn't tell me?! You didn't introduce us?! Is he your plus one to the wedding tomorrow?! He's on the phone right now!! Gimme the phone!! LEEEOOO!!! WE GOTTA TALK, MY MAN!!”
“No no no nononono! KRISTY! THIS ISN’T! STOPPIT! I DIDN’T! Oof! I DIDN’T! Gimme!! I DIDN’T TELL YOU BECAUSE IT’S LONG DISTANCE!!” The sounds of you shouting and jumping for your phone echo around the lair.
Three of the boys lean in closer with cheesy grins. All eyes on Leo. It is so rare to have something to tease the guy about. Watching him get flustered and embarrassed about you? Best. New. Hobby. Ever.
For his part, Leo stands stock still. His brows stretch the top edge of his bandana as they climb up his forehead.
You called him your boyfriend. That is completely false. You are inebriated. You are trying to avoid doing to shirtless shots. You are trying to get your phone back. It is obviously false.
His face heats regardless.
You two have never discussed feelings. Friendship or otherwise. Not that you aren’t friends. You are friends. For sure you are friends. Even if you never explicitly spoke about friendship. But friends can be like that, right? Just being. Not naming it specifically.
His hands open and close. He doesn’t have anything to grip right now.
It’s the significant-other-level feelings that need to be discussed first, right? That’s what TV and books and movies and common sense tell him. He can’t be your boyfriend and not know. You can’t actually love him—like LOVE-HIM love him—and he not know.
He swallows hard on a mouthful of spit. Hearing you say those things and knowing they aren’t true? Everything under his front plates spins like a washing machine. He rubs his stomach ache absently.
Meanwhile, the bride-to-be is giving you the third degree. “He’s not talking. So you tell me! How long distance is long-distance? Where did you meet him? How long have you been hiding him? Is he some creep from the internet?”
“Kristy. Please. Give me the phone. He’s not a creep from the internet. He’s a nice boy ...from Canada.”
“A nice boy?! From Canada?! GIRLS! We’re taking this back to the song booth! He’s still on the phone! Get your questions ready. I’m about to get married and go on a 2-week honeymoon so we have only have two hours to get to know this CANADIAN LEO. Get ready, LEO!”
“Can’t I have the phone?,” you plead.
“Nope! But we can have another round of cocktails! Who wants something fruity?!”
A whooping chorus of friends shouts approval in the background.
“Raph,” Leo cuts in at a whisper. “Just hang up. The phone’ll lock and they won’t be able to call back.”
“Are you kidding?!” Raph tosses his head back with a guffaw. “No way! Mr. Long-Distance Canadian Nice-Boy! She called you! She needs you! Aren’t you gonna stick this out and keep her from having to do shirtless shots in front of strangers?”
“…” Leonardo shifts uncomfortably. Strictly speaking, this is a mess of your own making. But the way Raph phrased that…
“Oh you bet he is!” comes from Michelangelo. “My brother is a hero!” His face radiates sincere admiration and innocent conviction. The way his eyes sparkle, however, says he knows what he’s doing.
Ooo! That stinker is honor-locking Leo on purpose.
Leonardo clears his throat. “Oh. Of. Of course. Of course I’ll pretend to be her boyfriend.”
“Don’t worry, Leo! I’m drawing you up a complete Canadian Boyfriend character profile that will stand up to basic Googling.” Donatello’s fingers fly over his keyboard. The screens around him pop up more and more information: City, Province, job, apartment, local attractions, weather stats, maps, photos.
“And how hard can it be to fool a bunch of drunks?” Raph winks at him, then tosses Leonardo the phone.
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