#frog thoughtz

i know everyone and their mom has made this post but i truly cannot stop thinking about how the last thing harrow says is a name she literally went to extreme dangerous idiotic desperate lengths to no longer recognize. she spent months giving herself strokes regularly to avoid hearing her name but it’s still the last thing she says. not even her literal homebrew lobotomy and cranium construct could stop her from truly forgetting her. like holy shit. how am i meant to keep going after knowing this

i have a lot of thoughts about “first flower of my house” but perhaps the one that makes me want to chew glass the most is the fact that she called gideon a flower on a planet of dead things. we trod you underfoot. you refuse to die. first flower because you are the first thing to truly live on a dying house, where everyone else is either dead or on their way out. you are young and vital and alive.

good morning today i am thinking about how kiriona only thinks she has value when she is sacrificing herself and how she doesn’t know how to live when she’s not living for a cause. first she was living to leave and then she was living for harrow and now she isn’t living at all but she is still somehow living for harrow. and she was so so convinced that harrow expelled her and lobotomized herself because she didn’t want to be “beholden” to anyone when all harrow ever wanted was for gideon to live. why do you think she didn’t let you leave the ninth house? she didn’t know how to live without you! why do you think she tried so so hard to not consume your soul? even if you were dead she couldn’t conceive of a world where she didn’t exist, in whatever capacity that means! the only reason there even was enough of gideon’s soul for kiriona is because harrow lobbed off half her brain and had hemorrhages every time someone said her name! oh my god

thinking about cytherea’s words. i’m sorry, we take so much. i’m so sorry. her anger at god, her myriad of grief and rage and loss. you poor baby. you are so young. don’t give yourself away. none of this is worth it. you are so young, and vital, and alive. gideon of the golden eyes. cytherea knew who gideon was, but did she see gideon as a weapon still? stay alive, or stay alive for the tomb? it’s very easy to die. you just let it happen. it’s so much worse when it doesn’t. gideon’s worst fear was not being able to die and slaving away on the ninth forever, of being a construct. and kiriona is the emperor’s construct, still not able to lay to rest, and not even having the satisfaction of knowing she was loved and wanted.

imagine you’re a cavalier for one of the nine houses and you’re at canaan house and having a friendly battle and the cavalier of the ninth who never talks says they’re going to fight in a robe and with a hood and dark glasses. it’s so easy to forget they’re intimidating because gideon has such silly narration but sometimes i remember like . dam

it’s the way that, even when being basically mind controlled by evil incorporated, douglas eiffel still finds a reason to talk to hera. he could have found the milk himself, but he still asks, “unit 214?” he is still trying to ask, hera, are you there?