#frickard's

[podcast music]

[King Falls AM music]

B: You’re off the charts excited, Sammy. Are you sure this isn’t about Christmas vacation?

S: Not at all, I've just finally got something big to bring to the table spooky stuff wise, and I cannot wait-

B: You are glowing, man, I can’t wait to hear this.

S: Good evening, ladies and gents, and welcome to King Falls AM, that’s 660 on the AM dial. And this is our last show of the year, our last show before our big Christmas break, as Ben mentioned.

B: Lets not say big, it’s just a break, but we’ll be right back here literally on New Years Day. Thanks, Merv. But we’ve got a hell of a show for you.

S: Okay, can I just get a few minutes off the top to talk about today’s discovery?

B: I was literally just saying the floor is yours, Sammy.

S: Okay, alright, so you know sometimes I'm a little bit, uh, skeptical, when it comes to-

B: Literally everything, you are skeptical of every phenomenon that has crossed our paths.

S: I wouldn’t say every.

B: Oh, I would. Do you wanna recap? There was the alien abduction, the-

S: *laughing* No, no, no, I think you know your stuff, so, you should know that I'm very excited to bring my own bit of King Falls lore to the table tonight.

B: Before you press on, are you sure this is a good idea?

S: What do you mean?

B: I'm not trying to be, argumentative here, but the last time you brought in a find of your own like this, you brought Howard Ford Beauregard the Third into our lives.

S: That was a mistake, and we have talked about that.

B: I know, I'm just saying. Be super sure about this one, huh?

S: This is nothing like HFB3.

B: Then please continue, my friend.

S: So, I was out doing a little bit of shopping earlier today at the King Falls mall-

B: Was it crazy crowded? I still have to pick up something special for. My mom.

S: It was crowded, not Black Friday crowded, but nicely, darkly, opaque Tuesday, if you will.

B: Okay, cool.

S: We all know that gift is not for your mom, by the way.

B: Whatever.

S: So. I'm at the mall, I make my purchases, but I'm all worked up, I got an appetite, and I'm not gonna wait in line at the eatery with the Christmas people, you know? So I'm thinking, why not go the three minutes away to Frickard’s?

B: Traitor. But, I get it.

S: So I make the drive over to my favorite froggery, a number 5 fricassee with extra frog puppies-

B: You actually eat the frogs there, man? I heard they poach them directly from lake Hatchineha.

S: Don’t say that, they are a fine sponsor of the show.

B: Facts are facts.

S: Okay, so I get there and pulling up, right beside me, is this beautiful candy apple red corvette. It was a beauty, let me tell you, early 1960s, but the closer I look, the weirder it gets. It’s got bells, like sleigh bells, all over this thing-

B: Lets, uh, move on, Sammy.

S: So I look over at the driver, this bigger older gent steps out of the car, red suit, red tie, massive white beard.

B: Sammy, I think we should-

S: Tiny little glasses, rosy red cheeks, and the friendliest damn face I've ever seen. He introduced himself as Chris.

B: So you run into a mall Santa running late for work?

S: Oh, this was no mall Santa, Ben, this was the Santa. We made chit chat, and there was only one available table, so with it just being myself and him we took it-

B: You had lunch with a mall Santa.

S: Ben! He knew my name, without me saying it!

B: You’re a radio sensation, Sammy, lots of people know your name.

S: Do they know my childhood address? What I got for Christmas when I was six? I don’t think so.

B: Oh, jeez, you’ve got a Santa stalker, buddy. Either that, or Creepy Carl got released on bail. Moving forward-

S: He knew all this stuff, Ben. My wants, my likes, good things and bad things. Y'know I'm pretty protective of my personal life, Ben.

B: Yeah, I do, Shotgun.

S: This was Santa Claus, real as day, right here in King Falls. Not only that, but he told me that he actually vacations here part of the year! Think about that, the big guy hanging out here! Dude, why are you looking at me like this?

B: Do you know how many older gentleman in the world dress up as Santa Claus, Sammy? A lot. It’s a job for some folks. Some of them go to hospitals. It’s a big deal for some folks. This was one of those guys, just pulling your chain, Sammy. Santa living here part time is, *scoffs*, I doubt very, very seriously that this guy you met-

S: It was him. I don’t understand why you’re so hell bent on dismissing this. If a caller called in with this story, you’d be on a mission.

B: I'm not hell bent on dismissing you, I'm just looking at this from all angles, how about that?

S: Are you saying King Falls isn’t good enough for a Santa vacation home? A second house?

B: Not at all. That’s ludicrous….did he tell you I said that?

S: Ah ha! So you know I'm right.

B: No, Santa, I mean, mall dude Santas are tricky, I don’t trust them. Look at this wedge he’s driving, man.

S: You know something about this.

B: You want me to tell you what I know?

S: I do!

B: Here’s the scoop. I know you met some guy. I know he’s not Santa, because Santa would not go to Greg Frickard’s place to eat. I know-

S: You’re full of it.

B: You wanna put this to the callers? We can poll this thing out.

S: I think I do, Ben, this guy knew what I got for Christmas years ago. He knew about Wolfington the terrier, which I got for Christmas, as a kid, he knew it all.

B: Okay, King Falls, do you think Sammy met the real Santa Claus earlier today? Think about this, and give us a call. 424-279-3858.

S: You are on, buddy. I'm not gonna be the only person here-

B: Operation King Falls Kringle!

*banjo music*

Randy: Howdy y’all, it’s Randy Mcmullet from Mcmullet’s international palace of snake skin boots. And I'm  here to let you know we’ve got some rattlin’ news for you. After this sensational success of black mamba Friday, it’s time to roll out our next deal of the year. This weekend it’s our annual secret Santa albino snake skin special. We’ll have all our whitesnake choices at our unbeatable dark snake prices. So slither on down, just outside of town, at the corner of route 72 and Old Bombing Range Road. Mcmullet’s International Palace of Snake Skin Boots. Where we fill your boots, with savings.

[King Falls AM music]

S: What the hell was that about?

B: It’s about saving money on boots, man.

S: No, whatever you yelled, right before the commercial.

B: I don’t know what you’re talking about, I sneezed.

S: I'm watching you.

B: Watch away, Sammy. Pick a line they’re all lit up! Like Christmas!

S: You’re way too smug, I don’t like this. Lucky. Line. One.

B: An excellent choice.

S: Good evening, you’re on with Sammy and Ben.

Cynthia: First off, Sammy, obviously you’re off your rocker. Santa lives in the north pole!

S: Hi Cynthia.

C: Secondly, are you for real shopping at the King Falls mall? Do you have a death wish?

B: What are you on about, Mrs. Higgenbaum?

S: It honestly wasn’t that busy.

C: I'm not talking about crowds! I'm talking about the gang of vampires that live in the mall. Just waiting for the perfect time to strike.

B: What?

C: Of course you wouldn’t know, Ben.

B: I'm pretty up to date on my-

C: Obviously you are not, or you’d know about the gang of vampires that live in the mall.

S: Cynthia, thanks for calling tonight, even if you are dead wrong about Santa. Now, would you like to expand about this, uh, the-

C: Gang of vampires.

S: Right.

B: How do you know they’re vampires, Cynthia?

C: Pale much? Check. Dark clothes? Check. Never ever out in the light of day? Check!

Ben and Sammy overlapping: Talking about hot topic, aren’t you?

C: They just glare at you, soulessly, when you walk in! Eyeing you up and down, probably looking for a good vein.

S: Or a neck tattoo.

C: This is not to be made light of, Sammy, you’ll see.

B: They’re just goth kids, Mrs. Higgenbaum.

C: Oh please! Like you know! Let the record state that when King Falls is overran in a lost boys type fashion by these emo vampires, that I tried to warn you. And you just laughed!

S: What do you recommend, Cynthia, should we stock up on garlic and stakes?

B: I think just knowing our parents loved us enough should do the trick.

C: Laugh it up, you dumbs. You know I hate telling I told you so, but I will tell your ass I told you so so fast! Merry Christmas!

*hang up noise*

B: So, we’ll count that as a no. Oh and one, Sammy.

S: Line five, welcome to King Falls AM.

Finn: Hey Sammy, hey Ben!

S: Hey Finn, long time no talk buddy! You doing alright?

F: Oh yeah, never better. Just had to get a couple of shots, y’know?

B: That’s good to hear, Finn. What’s your take on this?

F: Oh, I was actually just phoning ‘cause I wanted to tell you fellas Merry Christmas before it was too late.

B: Merry Christmas to you too, Finn. Stay safe out there on the roads.

F: You know it.

S: Thanks for calling in, Finn, and y’know we’re glad that you’re feeling better. We were pretty worried about you.

F: Aww, you fellas! Howl at the moon one little time and you guys get all worried.

S: It was more than once, Finn.

F: You know what I'm saying. It’s not like I'm going to sleep and waking up naked in a field somewhere with chicken feathers and god knows what all over me...on the regular.

S: That...is...uh. Good to hear, Finn.

F: Just every now and then, y’know?

B: Okay. You, you take care of yourself. Happy holidays.

F: You know it!

*hang up noise*

B: That was another-

S: Don’t count that. Finn didn’t comment on it either way.

B: I’ll mark it as “Switzerland”. Another call?

S: You bet your ass another call. You pick a line.

B: Uhhh, line three, good evening and welcome to-

Hershel Baumgardner: You goofy sons of b**** hung up on me last time I called! When I get my dick beaters on you, there’ll be hell to pay!

B: Uh, we must have been having phone difficulties, Hershel, we would never...did you call during the electrolocaust?

HB: I called two damn weeks ago Ben Arnold, don’t you electric holocaust me. You gotta wake up pretty damn early in the morning to scoot one past Hershel F. Baumgardner.

S: Hershel, we are so sorry the phones were malfunctioning last time you called. Are you on tonight to talk about Santa's appearance and possible living in King Falls?

HB: Santa who? Santa Livingston? I haven’t heard from that son of a b*** since the beaches of Normandy.

S: Santa Claus, Hershel.

Hb: No! I ain't here to talk about no Santy Claus. You two need to grow the f**** up.

B: What’s on your mind, Hershel?

HB: Don’t rush me, you two toned pecker sniff. I’ll get to it when I get to it.

S: Hershel, do you think-

HB: Motherf****. I had it before you opened your damn trap. I’ll ring you later when I can think of it, and you better not hang up on me again.

S: You do that, Hershel, if we don’t hear back from you before then, have a Merry Christmas.

HB: You two going somewheres?

B: It’s our Christmas break, but we’ll be back live on New Year’s Day.

HB: You know what my generation called breaks?

S: They weren’t just breaks?

HB: We called it being f***ing dead, ‘cause that’s the only break you get in life, you free loadin’ radio commies. Enjoy your break, and vacay or whatever you pansy bastards call it.

B: Happy holidays to you too, Hershel.

HB: I didn’t kill Hitler to say happy f***ing holidays…*trails off, mumbling*

*hang up noise*

S: Ladies and gentleman, Ben and I are talking about the appearance of Santa here in King Falls earlier today. I was told from the jolly one himself that he enjoys staying in the Falls quite a bit when he isn’t in the busy season. Ben says otherwise.

B: Have you or anyone you know ran into this phoney Santa saying he’s squating here? If you have, give us as call *cough*OperationKingFallsKringle*cough*

S: I knew you were up to something!

B: Please, you’re paranoid because you’re losing. Line two, this is King Falls AM.

Troy: Hey fellas, Merry Christmas! Or Happy Hanukkah, if that’s the way your dreidel spins, or have a good Kwanzaa, etc and so on.

S: Merry Christmas, Troy.

B: Are you not supposed to call us on duty?

T: I'm on break, Ben, dammit all. Don’t start. I'm calling to tell you something important.

B: This again? You’re a broken record. Bye, Troy.

S: Don’t. Let him speak.

B: *scoffs* Whatever.

T: Thanks, Sammy. And right off the bat, I wanna tell you I believe you saw what you say you saw.

B: Troy! Come on! You know the drill!

T: I'm not saying he was or he wasn’t. I'm just saying if you saw him, I believe you. Maybe a man just wants to lay low, far away from the spotlight. I mean, King Falls is a heck of a town to retire to.

S: Mark that down, Ben.

B: He’s only saying it just to spite me.

T: That ain’t close to true, and you know it Ben Arnold. Now if you’ll permit me, I've got a gift for you.

B: If this is your friendship, I hope you kept the receipt.

T: It’s actually not that. Though it’s ripe for the picking whenever you want it, Ben.

B: Don’t hold your breath.

S: Come on. Do you wanna bring it by the station Troy?

B: Don’t.

T: Well, the problem is that I bought it online and I'm, I'm having it shipped here, and well...seems it's going to be a little late.

B: Of course it is. You can’t even get a Christmas present right, try. Just give it up.

T: We were best buds growing up. I ain't giving up on that. Or you. I mean, you’ll see. You and me we’ll be back where we started just as sure you can say pickled pied piper.

B: Next caller.

T: That’ll work too. Well, I’ll quit yacking and make like a shepherd and get the flock out of here.

S: Take care, Troy. Merry Christmas to you and yours, buddy.

B: Bye already.

T: Catch you later, future buddy.

*hang up noise*

B: We have time for one or two more before break, you wanna keep going or give it up?

S: By my count, we’re tied.

B: Glutton for punishment. Call it.

S: I'm gonna go back to lucky line one. Happy holidays, you’re on King Falls AM.

??: Hey man, I wanna talk about this Kris Kringle business.

S: We’re all ears, sir. Have you seen him around town, or am I just being fooled by a facetious Saint Nick?

??: The way I see it, uh-

B: Hey, who are we speaking with?

??: That don’t matter none.

B: Right. Uh, what were you saying, sir?

??: I just think that a man wants to lie low in a place where he’s not gonna get bothered, or pestered, or recognized, then good for him. Maybe life got too stressful, or he didn’t wanna buy a caddy for everyone he met. Hell, maybe he followed the love of his life to this small podunk crazy haunted town. Maybe it’s because he found out that Rose makes the best peanut butter banana sandwich you ever laid eyes on.

S: Are we still talking about Santa Claus, sir?

??: Of course.

S: Okay. It just seemed like maybe we were talking about somebody else for a second. Like yourself.

??: Don’t be cruel, Sammy. I'm just a teddy bear. A teddy bear with nothing to hide. I say if old Saint Nick wants to hang out in this spooky place then so be it. We can’t have *singing* suspicious minds *back to normal voice* about it. Just let it be.

B: Sir, I, I don’t wanna make this about you, but you sound a lot like the king of rock, and, I-

??: Yeah, little less conversation, Ben.

*hang up noise*

S: I'm just gonna say that I think that guy knows what he’s talking about, Ben.

B: Still doesn’t mean anything.

S: Why are you fighting me so hard on this, Ben?

B: Okay, I'm not saying you’re right-

S: But I'm right.

B: But, but! If somebody as important as Santa Claus were to have a vacation home or hide away spot in King Falls, and he doesn’t!

S: And he does.

B: But...maybe it’s for a reason. Like a specific reason. Like, maybe he doesn’t wanna be bothered with a bag of mail every day. An email address overflowing with wants and needs. Non-union worker issues. Maybe the wife wants a place to escape the hustle and bustle of the great white north a few times a year without TMZ knocking on the door. If that were the case, and I, I don’t think it would be fair to call attention to it.

S: If that were the case.

B: Right. If that were the case. Now, I do not think that’s the case at all, I mean this is a case of mistaken identity. Or maybe you were tricked by a chubby, merrier than thou prankster who is just too friendly to not keep the appearances. But. I don’t think you really saw the real deal here. And he certainly wouldn’t live in King Falls for a few weeks every year if you did see him.

S: Huh. Maybe...maybe I was mistaken?

B: It could have been anybody.

S: I think you’re onto something, Ben. I think I was, uh. Huh. I think was misled.

B: Maybe so.

S: Oh, well. Okay then.

B: We good?

S: Yeah, I think we’re good. Uh. So I hear we got a hell of a show lined up for tonight, is that right?

B: Ha! Better believe it, buddy. Right after the break,- *ho, ho, ho!*

S: Sorry about that folks, somebody must owe Chet some money. Ladies and gentlemen, thanks for hanging out with us on this chilly winter’s night. We’re just getting started here, but we’re gonna take a quick break to pay some bills. If we don’t hear from you before then, Merry Christmas to you and yours from King Falls AM.