#fresh squeeze

You grinned at your twin, who was trying to stay mad at his little sister, younger than him by 6 minutes. He was the main one who spoiled you, buying you clothes and Jordans with the money he earned from the pizza parlor in the off season and weekends Whenever he bought him some new J’s he made sure his twin got hers.

Despite how much y’all fought, you were Dell's heart. And He was yours. Dell was proud of his smart, beautiful twin and would do anything for you.

You already had a full ride to Rutgers which was right around the way. And close to Robert.  Dell wanted you to branch out and leave Jersey. He was always saying you would be a good lawyer the way you argued with him.

The college scouts had been a constant for a minute now and Dell was hoping for a full ride basketball scholarship to Old Dominion.

"Them bitches that be sucking your little dick be gassing you up, Dell. Don't fall for it. You still an ugly fucker. And you're just jealous."

Dell laughed at your jab.

"You know you lying! I ain't ugly and I ain't li…” He gave you a sideye. “Nevermind. You know you drool when you sleep? That's why you got crust on your mouth now."

You gasped and checked your mouth in the mirror as Dell laughed. Then your turned the mirror so as to show both of your beautiful brown faces.

"I hate you!"

Dell turned his head from the road and grinned back at you in the mirror.

You couldn't imagine Dell going to Virginia for school.  You had to talk him into Rutgers. They were hot for him like a dozen other schools. Jokes aside, the love you felt for your twin was real. He was your soulmate, your heart, and despite the bickering you were so close. 

And so was the truck that crossed the center line. The impact was loud, immediate, and the last thing you remembered for two weeks.

-----

You woke up in the ICU having missed your twin brother's funeral. You were also missing your left ovary, the collision slamming you into the gear shift. The accident had also seriously damaged your other ovary and uterus.

Your mom and her twin Uncle Lindron were there with her cousin Craig. You finally cried when you was your cousin and thought of all the fun you had together when you were little. Now Dell was gone forever.

But, he would live on, Monalinda tried to explain. She had decided to donate Dell's organs and he would live on in other people, giving life to so many. When your heard about the woman who would get Dell's heart, you felt your own heart was gone forever.

The doctors said that you would fully recover, but would probably never be able to have children. It was justice you thought. You would never let yourself forget that you were responsible for Dell's death.  Although everyone told you it was an accident, you knew better.  You did not deserve to be here.  Dell did.

________

LA, November 2022

Daveed played the cut over again after listening to it probably 20 times.  He scratched out what he had written five minutes ago and scribbled something else. 

“Yeah!”  He smiled, relieved that he finally got the order right.  He couldn’t wait to talk to Rafa about it. D didn’t even check the time when he dialed him.  Hell, it didn’t matter.  This was creation.

“‘Lo?”  Rafa sleepily answered the phone.

“I got it!”

“You got what?”

“The order for the show.  We should open with ‘Dope.’  It sets the scene perfectly.”

Daveed heard a faint female voice ask who it was.  He checked his watch and it was 2:50 am.  He shrugged to himself as he heard Rafa answer,  “It’s just Diggs. Chill.”  

“I thought we agreed we were going to start with ‘At This Point?’ Rafael answered, fully awake now and probably grabbing his notebook.  He heard the shuffling in the background.

“We agreed to no such thing.  YOU said you wanted to use that joint, because you wanted to fuck with me. You know that shit don’t make no got damn sense.” Daveed shook his head at his best friend as he listened to him crack up laughing. “Need to put that entire album in the trash.”

Rafa stopped laughing immediately.  “Fuck you Diggs. Seven Nights is a masterpiece. Don’t hate me because you couldn’t hold her down.” Rafa occasionally liked to bust his balls about the breakup. But it really wasn’t his fault.  At first, she didn’t want him to get her a ring just because of the quarantine. That was so fucking hot.  But in June, when things started getting back to normal after a year of the vaccine being out, he began to lose interest in tying the knot.

She walked out, leaving him with a beautifully decorated house that now held a cold bed in the room that had been theirs because he told her he didn’t want to get married at all. It  wasn’t fair. They didn’t need a piece of paper. But he guessed she needed a rock after all.  He felt betrayed.

He heard Rafa’s lighter flick as he lit a cigarette.

“Are you serious right now?” D heard the girl complain.

“Yo, is that Viv?  Tell her I said hi!”  Daveed yelled into the phone loudly so she could hear him.

“THE FUCK IS VIV??”

“Damn it Diggs, hold on.”

Daveed heard Rafa trying to explain to whoever the woman was beside him that Viv was no one important, but the girl wasn’t hearing it. D got up and went to his freezer looking for some hot pockets as he listened to the girl cuss Rafa out and slam his door. 

“Got damn it  D!  You know Viv and I are on a hiatus.  That was foul.” It was Daveed’s turn to laugh.

“Ion be keeping up with your hoes Rafael..” 

“What you need is to find you some hoes of your own.” Rafa mumbled incoherently.

“What you say?”

“Nothing.” Rafa sighed and raked his fingers through his hair. Diggs was so generous with any free time he had and giving as a creative partner, and Rafa loved him like a brother, but he could be a bitch when he wasn’t getting any. 

“Back to the show.” Rafa and Daveed never let anything get in the way of their creative mojo.

“I can feel ‘Dope’ being a good opener, but if you really wanna be authentic with it, gotta go back to The Get Back.”

“Man… are you still on this ‘sellout’ thing?  This is a broadway musical.  Gotta give middle America what they want. And they don’t want Baby Rafa and Afro Diggs. They want the familiarity of the movie, Cash.”

“We don’t have to pander to get this made. Energy up, expectations down, Diggs.”

He took a deep breath. Rafa was always right and he was a fucking genius. Because of that, Daveed was willing to listen to what he had to say.

“You right, son.  Which way do you want to go?”

They talked a couple more hours until Rafa admitted that ‘Dope’ was a good idea.

Daveed tried to get some shut eye, but the cold in his bed overtook him.  He went to the couch in the living room, turned on the fireplace, and surrendered to slumber.

**********

You grabbed something and sat down at the bar facing the windows. When Diggs turned to offer you some fresh oj, you didn't notice him watching you eat your banana. Your lips were going to be a problem for him. When you looked away from the ocean, Daveed turned back to the stove and looked over his shoulder to smile at you.

His smile made you feel some kind of way.

"Do they really call you Smiley?" 

Daveed laughed, a sound that was quite nice.

“You got me Lindy. What gave it away?” 

You tilted your head, convinced that he was fucking with you.  When he winked and turned back to the stove to the food, you just shook your head and ate the rest of your banana, positive that he was fucking with you.

Meanwhile, Diggs was trying to stop himself from thinking about fucking with you. He did not need to watch you eat a banana. You were his friend’s girl.  This was not a thing.

You smiled back at Diggs’ broad back. The more you hung out, the more you got to know him. This morning he seemed different than when everyone was hangin in the group. 

He turned to plate some food for you and he smiled again, shaking his head.

“Most times it’s a nervous tick.”

You were confused. “What’s a nervous tick?”

“My smile. I'm actually a really shy person.  Most times my smile is a defense mechanism.”

You were not sure about all that. Daveed had to know how he affected people.

“I’m not sure I believe that. Man. You are famous for performing in front of hundreds of people a night.  You’re on tv, movies, for goodness sake!  I ain’t boo boo the fool.”

Daveed’s laugh filled the kitchen.

“I am shy, but I get my energy from crowds. I'm an introverted extrovert. Ya feel me?"

You nodded, understanding. You noticed that he was fiddling with the spatula he had in his hand. He really was awkward. It was sweet. Diggs continued.

"When I perform, I'm probably under the influence."

Pause.

"Hold up. What?" 

You suddenly remembered your sleeping boyfriend in the other room.  You  did not want Mark to backslide into addiction. You didn't know this about Daveed. He caught your panicked look.

"Oh, I'm not an addict, haha."  That laugh and that smile. It automatically put you at ease. 

"It just takes a little. Drink; like last night. Adrenaline; when I used to run track. Now it's performing." 

Daveed watched you carefully, gauging whether or not to continue. Fuck it, he thought. He felt as comfortable with you as when he first met Rafa.

"You know what the best drug is?" 

You cocked your head to the side, intrigued despite yourself. That smile. It was angelic and so opposite of what came out of his mouth next.

"Fucking. You know? When it's that good good. Or even better, that feeling when you haven't smashed, but the sexual tension is everything?"

There was suddenly little air in the room. You had to open your mouth to get oxygen. Oh. You knew the feeling alright. You gulped down your orange juice and continued eating.

"Hard-dick dopamine delivers every time." He said it so casually.

You choked on your bacon. Daveed came up beside you.

"Raise your arms above your head.”

You turned toward him, held your arms up and he helped you, his hands holding your hands up. You stopped coughing pretty quickly but you stared at each other with your small wrists in his large hands. Daveed shifted on his feet and cleared his throat.  

“You good?" His voice had to be a couple of octaves lower. You had to slam your mind shut at that moment.

You gaped for a second, mouth still open, then laughed and nodded, pulling your arms slightly to get him to release them.  Daveed let go, stepped back and laughed along.

"But yeah. Back to what we were talking about...It just takes a little high, and I'm a completely different person." 

You watched him as he crossed his chocolate arms. 

"So what's your drug? Your motivation?"

That was something you didn't want to think about too hard. You tried to avoid his eyes. You cleared your throat and took another drink.  

“You got any vodka for this orange juice?”

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