#free! problems

wait there's another ep tomorrow? haven't they done enough damage to my pour soul already (i've been in hiding from ep 12)

yeah, i think the last one is on wednesday. ahahaha ep 12 was just. i don't even know. i would say spare yourself but then, i know some people who liked it (and that's all well and good)? but i've p much tried and failed to talk myself into coming around. if episode 9 had never happened or if episode 9 had not just been 3 episodes ago i would probably have eventually come around but as it stands: nope, nope, nooope.

phantomiria replied to your post “.”

i'm sorry :( warm hugs and hot tea for you

lmao welcome to my world the past couple months ;____;

(and like every goddamned free! rant worth any significant portion of anyone's time, i feel like this needs a disclaimer because this fandom is such a joke with its shipping nonsense so yeah, basically, this has zero percent to do anything with shipping. the idea that relationships are purely determined by careers is a little ridiculous!! e.g. rin could still date a haru who runs a cat cafe! makoto could still date a pro swimmer haruka! haruka could in theory tell them both to peace out and get married to rei or sousuke or nagisa or mackerel!!! i feel this post addresses this (and probably the subject of this whole rant) more articulately than i ever could. but regardless of whom i wanted haruka to end up with, believe me, i would 100% happily cut them out of his life IN A HEARTBEAT if they ever intentionally said/did anything to hurt him [YEAH EVEN MAKOTO]--which i don't think any of them did and i believe wouldn't. basically, at this point in time, fuck shipping!!! i'm mostly breathing fire because wow what a disrespectful disservice to characterization!!!)

as a matter of fact, i feel like every single character (or, from the students anyway; i have a lot of issues with how the adults treat haruka) in this episode and the previous episodes said/acted the way they did out of good intent. even sousuke, whose whole excuse for a pep talk i was super unhappy with did it out of good intent just that it was misplaced and good intent for rin bc sousuke will use whatever means he can to get rin on that stage and also indirectly atone for his own loss/failure and yes, okay, i get the emotional drive behind that even if i don't agree with it. 

and while i side-eyed the sousuke-haruka conversation a lot because it was so much the opposite of helpful in so many ways, i'm not really faulting anyone else individually for the way they talked to him because makoto adores him and is freaked out by the idea that haruka doesn't have a dream!! rin adores him and rin speaks his mind and thought that if he told haruka that he could take something he knew haruka had always enjoyed and what rin had always admired him for and turn it into a career with an added bonus of them swimming together (which has also helped motivate rin), that haruka would respond to it. rei and nagisa similarly had a really wonderful and heartfelt desire to tell haruka that they love what he does and how he moves them and wouldn't it be wonderful if he shared that with everyone but unfortunately it was very, very poorly timed because haruka's already overwhelmed and rebelling against anything that entails people watching him and judging him and where winning is involved. 

this adaptation of asofterworld is STILL THE MOST IMPORTANT ESSENCE OF HARUKA'S CHARACTERIZATION I HAVE EVER SEEN and imo, what episode 9 was. all. about. and look, i understand that people change their minds, that people face their fears, and that's good, that's healthy, but there's that and then there's something that makes you feel viscerally, physically ill and trapped and taints and darkens something you love and establishing that to the narrative as something that diametrically opposes the core of your being. for haruka, unless i was watching another show for two seasons, competitive swimming is the opposite of who he is. every time he beats someone he cared about, HE GETS UPSET!!!!!!!!!!!! the happiest we see him is not when he is racing (vs. rin, who is always beaming when he wins and i think this distinction is so important?) no, the happiest we see haruka in the entire series is always after relays or when he's doing something together with his friends. the only time winning even feels important to him is when its a necessity to keep his team in the running?? i am trying to think of a single race that haruka has won (that wasn't somehow directly or indirectly for the team) that made him incredibly happy and i'm drawing a blank and i would genuinely appreciate help in recalling this if i'm just forgetting???

but yeah, not even going to talk about the whole: good morning! we're going to australia to become pros!! because i'm still weirdly convinced that it's a dream unless rin's secretly loaded or his scout sent him everything for a plus one or that same scout contacted haru and he said yes all of a sudden (which is also ???) -- basically, too many question marks in my head with that preview/a lot of the previews have been very misleading so i don't know how to address it until it actually comes about. but i'm thinking a lot about makoto texting rin and both of them trying to help/fix this person who means so much to them and a part of me is touched by the intent of it and i'm sure the part of haruka that doesn't feel backed up against the wall and the need to draw out claws would feel that too but the rest of me is just trying to figure out how in the fresh hell we went from A to B in the span of 1.5 episodes and how in another 1-2 episodes we are expected to accept that the main character did a complete 180 and, forget overcoming his fears, just magically accepted the thing he was so vehemently opposed to as an integral part of himself, and look everything is perfectly fine!!!!!!!!!!!

i am trying to understand!! i really am!!!

but more than that, i'm trying so hard to be hopeful that everything is all a ploy to make me think they fucked up their mc's character arc (which, for reasons that are too long to go in this post, has been to date my absolute favourite character arc and also the reason behind so much of my distress) and they do in fact go J/K WE ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT WHAT HARUKA WANTS/ARE WILLING TO GIVE HIM SOME TIME/SPACE TO SORT IT OUT RATHER THAN HAVE OTHER PEOPLE BOMBARD HIM WITH A FUTURE HE'S CONNED INTO.

i am trying

more like

i am only awake/coherent enough to formulate two thoughts at this point in time: