#freaksterwrites

"Nuala? Cerridwen? Why is this on my bed?"

Elain emerged from her room holding a fawn stuffie.

"Oh that? The deer?" Nuala rambled, "It has a heating rune on it. Once activated you place it on your abdomen and it'll provide relief from cramps."

Lovely brown eyes squinted in confusion.

"You put it there?"

"Yes, earlier today. It's for your cycle, you were saying it was going to start soon."

"But you were with Feyre earlier today?"

Nuala stiffened right as Cerridwen came rushing in.

"Oh Nua, so silly! I put it there Elain, she mixed it up with the chocolates from yesterday. Those were her."

"Yeah El, sorry for the confusion."

The female looked at her friends and smiled.

"You guys are so kind to me! First it was hundreds of tea bags, now it's a fawn and some chocolates! I almost feel like I'm being courted!"

Cerridwen sidled up to Elain

"Is that something you want to happen? Because we can go out tonight and I'm sure we'll find you someo–."

Azriel appeared.

"Cerridwen. You told me you'd be finishing up reports tonight."

The shadow-wraith rolled her eyes and plopped down on the sofa.

Elain cleared her throat. Hazle eyes snapped to hers.

"I'm sure she was only joking Azriel. Would you like some tea? I have enough for the rest of my life!"

A slow smile

"I would love some tea, Elain."

Later that night

"I'm telling you, Azriel has to tell her already."

Looking up from her sister's reports, Nuala sighed.

"You know that's not happening Cer. Stop pacing and focus."

She did not stop pacing.

"He's just mad because the only thing he does for fun is sit in his room and scribble. And go to the market to buy more stuff."

"Maybe he just really likes shopping lists. Now for the love of god finish your damn reports."

If only the twins knew how right they were. Azriel was currently scribbling away at his desk, researching the female reproductive system and stressing about tarts.

Sourdough

"Elain... I don't think it's supposed to look like this..."

"Nonsense Cer, I'm sure its fine–ah!"

Azriel's heart had never twisted quite like when he heard that soft gasp of pain escape her lips. Before he could think, he was already moving towards the kitchen, towards Elain. His eyes scanned the flour-dusted counters before landing on the ethereal female cradling her hand to her chest. Watery eyes met his, and the Spymaster damn near swept her into his arms. Unfortunately Thankfully, he remained a few paces away.

"It's fine!! I promise it's really not that bad, I just skimmed a pot right out of the oven! Sourdough is a lot harder to handle than it looks.

Nuala, ever the sensible one, was in the process of herding Elain out the door.

"She is not fine, that pot is four hundred degrees. We need to go see Madja."

Azriel let them go. Cerridwen quickly followed, shooting him a grin that told him he was on cleaning duty. Days later, the male wandered through the markets of Velaris with his list:

ACOTAR 6, A Court of Gingers and Musicals.

The book opens with Azriel at a pleasure club. He likes the music, but he's depressed, alone, and horny. NOT HORNY FOR THE DANCERS HE ONLY LIKES ONE WOMAN. He listened to Get It Sexyy for as many times as he could handle (23) before he got up and went to the training ring, his safe haven. At the training ring, he sees The Ribbon. His MASSIVE COCK gets SUPER HARD for Gwyn, but he's a sad little shy boi, so he just makes the sign of the cross and goes to sleep.

The next day, he's doing his favorite job being the spymaster training the Valkyries. Gwynnie is doing stealler, slicing up ribbons and beating the shit out of everyone. Azriel's GIMONGOUS HOG becomes A BILLION INCHES because his super strong brave outgoing warrior princess is being so cool and original.

Azriel knows he's mates with Gwyn or maybe its the other way around, who knows but he's still recovering from his relationship with Whore Elain/Mor/Rhysand's sister so he decides to stay quiet. One day he hears the most melodic singing, and decides to follow it. It's Gwyn!! Her beautiful voice has actually caused the Sun to move closer to Prythian, and all the animals to flock towards her. She's so amazing. Her Memaw was an unspecified Super Important Thing so she has powers or some shit.

"OUUUU MAH PELVIS IS SO STRETCHYYYYYYYYYYY"

*epic harp solo*

Azriel drops to his knees. His DEEP SEXY BARITONE can't help but BURST FROM HIS MOUTH.

"YOURE MY MATEEEEEEEE. LET ME GET YOU PREGNANT AND FILL YOU UP WITH ALL MY ILLYRIAN SPERMMMMMMMMMMM"

Gwyn's pelvis has stretched so much that she's playing the harp with her feet above her head.

"Yes Azriel. I am your sexy warrior goddess. Also we're connected to the Dusk Court so..."

Suddenly Rhysand is there. He runs over to Gwyn and pulls her into a hug.

"MY BABY SISTER GWYNNIE!!! IVE ONLY MET YOU LIKE TWICE BUT I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!! COME TO THE TEMPLE AND WE'LL MAKE YOU NYX'S GODMOTHER!'

Gwyn untwists.

"I would love that Big Bro, but first I need a meeting with the rest of the Inner Circle."

The Inner Circle assembled: Rhys, Azriel, Cassien, Nesta, Amren, and Mor. Elain was out being boring and shit, idk man.

"Fellow Inner Circleans... as the High Lady of the Dusk Court (Newly appointed) I have an announcement to make: ELAIN IS EVIL!!"

Suddenly Elain drops from the ceiling like a spider monkey.

"NYAAAAAAAAAAAA"

Gwyn epically rolls to the side to avoid being smashed by Elain's Evilness™️. Rhys stands to protect his little sister, but Azriel stops him. His MILE LONG DONG rips through his leather pants. Watching his mate be a warrior makes him GUSH SO MUCH.

Elain lunges for Our Favorite Ginger, but slams into a wall because the warrior princess dodged. Suddenly Gwyn plops down on the ground.

"PELVIS PUSSY POWERRRRRRRR!!"

*P Power by Gunna starts playing in the distance*

The pliant bones reach out and gobble Elain up like some sort of venus fly trap.

BOOM

A huge plant monster crashes into the room.

SCRAWWWWWWWWWWW

But Gwyn stays sitting. Suddenly Elain's bones come shooting out of Gwyn's pelvis like bullets.

GRAH GRAH GRAH GRAH GRAH

The plant monster is defeated.

"She's so dreamy," sighed Azriel "just imagine how many kids we'll have."

The woman stands up and walks over to her friends.

"Now that the evil has been vanquished, my mate and I will return to our rightful place, the Dusk Court. To activate it we will now sing a duet. Not just any duet, because it is sung by my Pelvis and Azriel's Sperm."

Azriel steps up. He already jizzed in his pants watching Gwyn fight, so eveything is ready.

Pelvis: OHHH I’M SO STRECHY WATCH ME BENDDDDD

Sperm: COME LET ME STUFF YOU WITH MY SPENDDDDDDD

Pelvis: How will it get there, I’m so skinny and trim.

Sperm: Do not worry my love, my fishies can swimmmmmmmm.

Pelvis: I’ll use it all up, devour it like a snack.

Sperm: That’s okay, Azriel is breaking Gwyn’s back.

Pelvis: The back might be broken, but never me, I am the most flexible, anyone can see.

RUMBLE GRUMBLE SCRAPE

A big door marked "Dusk Court" emerged from the ground. Azriel picked his mate up in a bridal carry and skipped through it.

On the last page of the book, there are only four words

READ ELUCIEN'S STORY NEXT

Substitute Gardener

Elain is sick, and to her utter devastation she has to stay in bed for a little while. Luckily for her, she has a very observant friend that will do anything to make her happy. It just so happens that in this particular situation, Elain's happiness hinges on Azriel learning to garden.

This is what I imagine Azriel kept tucked in his shadows when Elain was struggling with her new powers. He still looks at it every once in a while, especially after he has to witness another awkward visit from Lucien. After one such fiasco, the male returns to his room. His eyes, as they often do, land on the familiar vial on his nightstand.

Sinking onto the bed, thoughts of The Cauldron race through his mind. One can only sit through so many of Fox Boy's stilted conversation starters before they begin to question their religion.

"So Elain, how is the garden?"

"Fine."

"...what do you plant?"

"Anything that doesn't die."

That little back-and-fourth had forced Azriel to hold back a smug chuckle. If only that fucking ginger knew how often Elain and the Shadowsinger spoke of garden plans, growing seasons, and whatever else struck their fancy.

His brooding was interrupted by the crinkle of parchment. Shadows swirled around clenched fists, and a lone piece of paper dropped into his lap:

Streamer bf + Lego gf = Perfection

Mini modern AU Elriel headcanon thingy (man I don't know what this is) that Azriel is a very popular streamer, partly because he’s hot entertaining, and partly because of the gorgeous girl that sits in the background of his streams and builds Legos. Photos from Pinterest, divider from @saradika-graphics. Not proofread, if you find an error just shut the fuck up

“Chat if this motherfucking guy doesn’t pull his shit together and learn how to aim, I’m going to lose my shit.”

The matte-black gaming chair creaks as Azriel, also known by his Twitch handle ShadowSinger, leans backwards and heaves a sigh. His face lights up in red as the cliché YOU DIED flashes across the screen. The chat responds with helpful encouragement.

handsomesthighdude: Bro just lock in. Flamedaddy: Fucking idiot. Maybe you wouldn't have to rely on other people if you didn't die two minutes in. Mommyhighfreakster: you can aim dat dick towards me <3

“Alright fuck you guys, you’re all getting banned. Trust I'll show you how it's really done."

“Az?”

The clacking of the keyboard immediately stops. Soft pinging comes from a monitor as the chat explodes. This is what most of them came to see: ShadowSinger and his girl.

Azriel immediately whips his headphones off and flies over to the woman sitting at the desk behind him. If she isn't directly involved in the stream, you can always see her in the background, usually building a lego set and half-listening to whatever Az is talking about.

"Yes El? What do you need?"

Elain, also known as FlowerGirl, is no stranger to the viewers. From the very beginning, Azriel had made it his mission to show her off to as many people as possible. Whether she's proudly showing off her Tomodachi Island, raging at some idiot who rated her two stars in DTI, or hiding her face in her boyfriend's chest after getting jumpscared, the streams with her and Az remain the most-viewed. Every so often she'll stream on her own, happily chatting as she arranges flowers or finishes up a build.

"I'm really sorry for interrupting the stream, but I can't find this piece! I've looked everywhere– even under the instructions!"

Oh he was so getting clipped right now. All Azriel could do was stare at his girlfriend like a fucking goldfish.

"Uh... let me look under the table sweetheart. What piece is it?"

"A one by six block. It's black."

The man immediately drops to his knees and hunts like his life depends on it. A few seconds later, he emerges from under the desk victorious. Az is rewarded with a kiss from the love of his life.

Oh he was so getting clipped.

Too soon, El breaks away from and sits back down. Azriel returns to his chair, face still flushed. The chat has a field day.