#fray talks

I’ve had to deal with depression for a very long time, and at times it’s worse than others. It’s hard to climb out of. It’s hard to see anything else. Am I better now? No. But I’m coming into a better period of it. My meds are feeling right for the first time in a long time. I’m also in therapy. That’s something I’ve refused to do forever, but I had to give in. It’s not terrible so far. But it’s been a long time since I haven’t felt like the weight of life was crushing me, with no one in the world to care about me but my animals, and little desire to continue dealing with it. That’s what depression does. It’s hard to explain how lost and lonely depression can make you feel to someone who has never experienced it. It’s truly ugly and deceitful. I wish I could say it’s gone, but it’s suffocating me a little less.

I was recently diagnosed with ADHD-inattentive type. Pretty bad case, too. I’m sharing this, because I believe it’s why I struggle to write so much even when I want to. I’m on medication for it, but I still suffer and struggle to do...anything. Executive dysfunction is evil like depression. 

As for all the people that have gone away...and part of the reason why I stepped away from here...and for the people I don’t talk to often enough...

Like that one post says, I don’t owe people explanations of my mental illnesses or differences, but I more see this as facts. Since I feel that people don’t understand me, this is just a way to maybe help that. I’m anxious revealing this in a semi-public way.

I was also diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder. I’m autistic. I’ve been trying to understand this and accept it for a few months now, and it’s given me more insight to why I am how I am. I always (and always have) feel different. I never feel like I fit in with people. To an extent, I am different and I don’t fit in. It feels like a literal fog of thick air sometimes. Like I’m on the outside of a window. I don’t know how to connect with people the way others do. I don’t always feel connections. I don’t get things that maybe I should. It’s easy for me to forget to keep up with people, especially with more time and distance. There’s a lot more to it obviously, but these are the things that I’m struggling with most right now. I do care about people, and I do get attached to people. I do occasionally find places/people I think I could fit in to, but most of the time I realize that I still don’t. And that’s really hard. Especially so before I knew why that was. When I do get attached to people and they go away, or I realize that I don’t fit in somewhere like I want to, the only way I know how to deal with getting over it is to step away and get space. So I stepped away from here. I know people don’t get me and I’m not most people’s favorite, and I know it’s not easy to get to know me or get close to me. Whether it’s my different-ness or my depression or whatever. People come and go.

I had a hard time with that, and I don’t know that it won’t crop up again, but it’s another big reason as to why I haven’t been here. I can’t promise I’ll be super-active here, but I’m gonna try. And I’m gonna try to get back into my fics, rewriting and reposting some. All of the above can also be to blame for why I deleted them in the first place. I felt like they weren’t good enough, and like other fics were better and more liked than mine. It’s still hard to explain why. But I do want to work on them again when I can get through my ADHD and executive dysfunction. 

If you’ve read all of this, thank you. I don’t know if I said everything I wanted to say or in the right words, but I don’t want to spend all night on this. It’s a lot, I know. And it’s revealing a lot about myself, which is kinda hard for me. So thank you. I appreciate you. I haven’t looked to see who’s unfollowed me (I don’t know that I want to), but if you’re still following me, another thank you.