-I donāt know what to talk about. The fact that D might be a transvestite or be into transvestites. My mom going behind Dās back with that guy, L, while Dās working. In a texting source. And the fact that because I tried editing the gold I had in paragraph form in my head, I lost the third thing that has happened recently or has been brought to light about the recent events. Got it.
Or the fact that for some insane reason I checked my browsing history today in front of D, looking up some little thing I had seen yesterday. And now that Iāve thought about it Iām not even how sure I was on seeing it yesterday, given the fact that the days are starting to blend due to the fact that I donāt have any scheduling type thing instilled in my brain so that I would know what day of the week it was.
Anyways, I was looking at my browser history in this vain search, then I happened upon my earlier browsing history researching into Dās secrets to see if there might be cheating going on, or the rumblings of the like, and he was standing just over my shoulder. I didnāt look to see if he was paying attention as he was smoking a joint, but it would have been pretty obvious if seen for even a couple of seconds. Especially if the name is a well-remembered name.
But all of this just plays into my paranoid delusion to some extent that was too intricate to put into words at this moment on account of it happening at roughly the same time I started to get really baked on resin.
Now to make a comment on the rookie mistake thing, and to go into the delusion, when I was sleuthing on their laptop, the day, which had been cloudy and brisk, opened up and the sun came out fully and the clouds went away and the wind blows only occasionally. As if to be there to whisk the small amount of sweat off you oneās brow.
I say this sitting in the somewhat climate controlled living room, which is also inside of an apartment building.
But it was as if the heavens opened up and the sun shined upon my true calling. Symbolically at least, you know?
Ā -I think I just tried to sub-consciously say ābut I donāt careā as opposed to saying ābut I do know thatā while I was attempting to bullshit my way through a past discussion board I was attempting to get a late grade on, instead of doing this weekās work.
I donāt know if itās the fact that I donāt want to leave a subject that has to do with my major, or if the fact that I donāt want to prolong my English class because Iām scared this will be the end of my college education. I know itās more the latter than the former, I just really wish I was the opposite. Iām a fucking idiot, and I know this. Maybe thatās why I wasnāt really punished, outside the occasional spanking, was because, as I grew older, I was more prone to berating myself internally more than any would, or could, do themselves.
Ā -Let me clarify, I mean the end of my college education because of lack of monetary funds to purchase the required reading material.
Howās that for being pretentious?
Ā -Let me clarify again, I meant by the word use being somewhat difficult words instead of the easier alternatives like money, buy, needed, book.
Ā -I keep seeing the number ā42ā today. Not in the sense that Iām looking for, and waiting for it to show up as my cousin, L, might be lead to believe by my previous explanation months ago. I mean in the sense that Iāve happened to see throughout my day. Such as the time, then my word count.
Actually I might be looking for it because I count seeing 42 in any number, just as long as the numbers 4 and 2 are next to each other in descending order. As opposed to constantly seeing just the number 42 by itself everywhere.
Iām insane. Back to college, time to stop procrastinating.
Ā - After the argument continued when D got home from work, he told her āsheāll go her way, heāll go his wayā. Soon after the argument seemed to die, he combed his hair, sprayed some Axe on. Said something along the lines of he doesnāt care how it ends because he has a car and she doesnāt. Then he left in said car.
He has a meeting with his counselor today so who knows if heāll come back to do that or have the guy meet him somewhere else. Either way mom had tried to join in his session today but when he suggested they have a group session with her counselor she instantly changed her mind and said she would rather stay in the room the entire time.
I fear Iām going to have to move back to New York against my wishes all because my mom cannot stop her devious behavior, causing the men in her life to resort to devious behavior themselves.
I just want to hold L and never let her go.
I want more than anything to walk to the comic shop on Park Ave. and just get lost looking through theyāre collection but mom comes home at 330 and someoneās got to be here to carry the walker she can easily do herself, up the 2 sets of stairs of 6 and 4.
Ā -D came home shortly before just now. It looked like he had a passenger but I didnāt get a good enough look. So thatās just an assumption.
Fight is still continuing, much to mom insistence.
-If I have to move back to NY on account of moms inability to realize sheās learned helplessness and that if she keeps up with this bicker-until-they-leave-so-I-can-play-the-victim-continually schpeel, that Iām going to most likely start doing hallucinogenic a lot more often than smoking weed.
Iām gonna get into hallucinogenics anyways, but itāll most likely happen a lot sooner than expected on account of all of her bullshit.
One thing to mention is that when mom showed up she went into her room and D came out here, in the living room, and started saying various things as I tried to ignore him without putting on Wilfred to dull out the talking. Now Iām watching the show with headphones on fighting their raised voices as they argue in the room next door.
Ā -Unfortunately, to add to my paranoid delusion after I came out and told L exactly how my delusion works, she went into the house for some random reason.
Ā -āStagnation is death. If you donāt change, you die. Itās that simple. Itās that scary.ā ā Leonard Sweet via the main titles of an episode of Wilfred.
