I don't mean to rub it in, but something pretty awesome happened to me today. Namely, I got a job. Yeah- suck on that: I'm now part of the workforce. It's not some crappy high-stress, dehumanising role doing menial shit for a big business, either: it's an actually-useful local position. As of next month, I'll be a clerk at a quiet little community post office, working to make the world a slightly kinder, more sepia-tinted sort of a place where its possible for members of the public to get official shit done without jumping through eighty-thousand willfully-confounding online forms and where its still possible to buy a stamp from someone polite at a price that won't make you want to throw boiling coffee in their face. Plus, the Work Program have this scheme that I can now get on where they loan you a little motorised scooter for a couple of years to putter to and from a new job on. Beneath this misanthropic exterior lurks the heart of a rather quaint, old-fashioned type who enjoys a quiet, orderly existence. The idea of puttering appeals to me. It's a patently stupid scheme of course- a flashy, headline-grabbing acheive-nothing waste of State capital that could easily be replaced by a new type of Bus Pass that would be a) cheaper and b) less show-y off-y. But I get a free moped-thing out of it, so fuck it: even I can't really work up any real anger about it. It's dumb, but mostly harmless and it benefits me slightly.
Since I reviewed the idiots the Work Program lumped me with awhile ago, I think it's only fitting that I give a brief summation of my new Colleagues.... albeit a markedly more positive one. Names have been changed. Other than that, here goes.
First and foremost, we have Giles. I warmed to Giles instantly. The sentence "I warmed to [insert name here] instantly" leaves my cold, sneering lips so rarely, incidentally, that I think you should all mark this day by helping yourself to a massive bar of chocolate or something. Unless you're that ginger-bearded pseudo-piratical prick who followed me for weightloss inspiration awhile ago, in which case I think you should mark today by cutting off one of your toes with a buzz-saw. But then I think you should mark every day by cutting off one of your toes with a buzz-saw, until you either run out of toes or die (whichever is least convenient). But back to Giles. Visually, he's a cross between Tom Baker and an excessively plump tortoise and something about his mannerisms puts me in mind of Zero Mostel in the original version of The Producers. Anyone who doesn't warm to that has a flinty piece of fossilized earwax where their heart should be.
Then there's Saffi, who's so down-to-earth she's practically subterranean. And when I say "down-to-earth", I actually mean "down-to-earth", not the hectoring ain't-I-a-straight-talker bullshit you get from people who confuse being down-to-earth with being a twat. She's an alright type of human, is what I'm getting at. She's what any sane person would want in a person with employment seniority over you (even though we're chronologically about the same age): understanding enough to help you learn the ropes, human enough not to accidentally patronise you to death while she does it. There's also something I find quite aesthetically soothing about her. Not "sexy" exactly- just pleasing. The human equivalent of a lava lamp that you leave slooping away to itself in the background and it somehow serves to calm the mood immeasurable. The one thing that concerns me is that she's demonstrated and ability to appear behind you without actually having seemed to have moved, and it weirds me out a bit. I don't think she's a ghost, or anything, but she may have access to some kind of teleportation mere flesh-and-blood beings should not be meddling with.
As if Saffi and Giles the Tom Baker Tortoise weren't nice enough, there's also Carli- a woman so absurdly nice she's in danger of using up all her body's stores of reserved politeness and dehydrating from it or something.
There's someone else I've seen as well, but I know fuck all about them so you'll have to do without a description.
The point is, they're decent people. I could do a lot worse than end up working with them for the forseeable future.
Besides, I'll get to call myself The Clerk (which sounds cool, even though it just means "bloke with access to the tills") and I'll have a scooter and be able to putter around my picturesque local landscape like a character in a quirky European drama.
Hey- that's a thought. My life could almost be the inspiration for an off-beat detective drama. Imagine it: doesn't a series in which an eccentric post office worker in a variety of colourful waist-coats bumbles around on a moped solving murders in rural villages sound exactly like the type of thing BBC 2 would make? Hey, if anyone at Broadcasting House is reading this: get in touch. We have a lot to talk about.