#forums&opinions

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)- People are beginning to think that you’re brewing up something evil. Maybe you ought to take care of that constant stream of chemicals spilling out of your locker.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)- Lots and lots of Oreos are the solution to any emotional blow. If you’re seriously allergic to them, make sure that you’re actually as sad as you think.

Aries (March 21-April 19)- Soon hugging will be out of style. Belly rubs will be the new thing.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)- Don’t grow up. It’s a trap.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)- Many have found that the less they wash their hair, the more they save on axle grease. Think about it.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)- That’s a pretty interesting pattern of facial hair. To each his own, right?

Leo (July 23-August 22)- You probably have never thought that later in life you will have a mansion, a full wallet, and a happy family. And you’re right- you won’t.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)- You really ought to ask the dentist to replace all of your teeth with small blue beetles at your next appointment. They’ll bring out your eyes.

Libra (September 23-October 22)- Don’t listen to what other people think. Meeting deadlines or not is a great way to express yourself.

 Scorpio (October 23-November 21)- Bread baking is a tough job but not as tough as you seem to be making it. Many suggest that you use a source of heat other than friction from your hands, but it’s really up to you.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)- Hey, cheer up. Life could be worse. At least you don’t have cataplexy.

1. Hide that nasty pimple on your upper lip. Who needs makeup when you can grow your own zit-cloaking device?

2. Use it as a soup strainer! If you grow your mustache long enough, eventually those little hairs will grow past your lip and strain all the gross bits out of your soup for you, a bit like a blue whale with its baleen.

3. Enter the World Beard and Moustache Championships. The competition for 2014 will be held in Portland, Oregon.

4. Create a safe haven for the local flora and fauna. Who knows how many small mammals will be able to find shelter in your facial hair?

It is incontrovertible that after a serious crime, a serious punishment must follow. The question that follows then is not regarding the magnitude of the repercussions but the form that these repercussions take. As high crimes like murder and treason make their way to courtrooms across America, there is a single debate that manages to gather these offenses under one umbrella: the death penalty. Many ask “Is death an ethically and constitutionally sound punishment for major offenses?” Not only does capital punishment explicitly violate the Fifth, Eighth, and Fourteenth Amendments, it can cost innocent people their lives.

The Constitution states in the Fifth Amendment that convicted criminals do not have to testify without a Grand Jury, “nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law.” In cases where the death penalty is an option for punishment, the Fifth Amendment is often breached. The trials are lengthy, and evidence of innocence is often ignored or goes undetected too late for exoneration, as the offender has already been executed. This clearly violates the due process clause as the offender has been deprived of life.

The Eight Amendment forbids the use of cruel and unusual punishment. Death is the most final of all punishments, and in no way does it punish a criminal more than a life sentence would. Capital punishment carelessly disposes of human lives, portraying them as of little value, especially if it is the life of a felon.

Lastly, the Fourteenth Amendment states that all citizens are entitled to a fair trial and their rights of life, liberty, and property. In courtrooms, there often seems to be a racial bias that inhibits the jury’s ability to make impartial decisions. Since 1976, of the cases involving the murders of one or more people of one race, there were 286 that resulted in an execution. Of these executions, 266 were of African Americans who had murdered Caucasians, while only 20 were of Caucasians who had murdered African Americans.

Crimes like rape, torture, kidnapping, robbery, murder, and others are all on a pivot point where the accused may either be punished by prison or punished by death. The belief that the death penalty is immoral is merely based on faith and opinion, not fact. The death penalty treats the accused as human beings with free will, instead of as animals who can be penned up.

People may say that the death penalty is a cruel, inhumane way of punishment where the accused will suffer unbearable pain. However, the accused only feels pain when the death penalty is not properly performed. In reality, the death penalty can be more humane than regular means of punishment.

The death penalty is the most efficient way to deter crime. Death is a permanent punishment, and there is nothing that people fear more than death itself. No other means of punishment produces 100% effective results- if someone is sent to prison, then they may defect back to crime after they are released.

Dear Ike,

If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it. I mean, who run the world? No! Help me Ike- I can’t stop thinking about Beyoncé! My alarm is a Beyoncé song: what other way is there to start a morning? Then I blast Beyoncé and sing along while I’m in the shower, followed by harmonizing with my girl Bey in the car all the way to school. I constantly Google her to check out the latest in what Beyoncé is wearing, where she is vacationing, and what color toilet paper she most enjoys. When I’m not able to listen to Beyoncé, I Countdown to the next time I get to hear her Irreplaceable voice. If I Were a Boy, she would be my woman crush Wednesday. I wish I were a Beautiful Liar, but the truth is- I think I have a problem. She will always have my Love on Top; however, I think this obsession has reached Sasha Fierce levels. Ike, how can I Upgrade to a less severe obsession?

            Sincerely,

                        Crazy in Love

  Dear Crazy in Love,

Beyoncé is fabulous, there’s no denying that. However, your situation does sound a bit extreme. Maybe you could find some other artists you like to listen to that resemble Beyoncé. As with any addiction, you must phase it out- don’t just go cold turkey. That will only result in binge purchases of Beyoncé concert tickets and paraphernalia. Not that I would know firsthand or anything… As far as obsessively Googling the latest Beyoncé news, there is nothing wrong with checking up on her recent family trips and Beyoncé news in general, as long as it’s within reason. I would give yourself a time limit each day to indulge in the life of Beyoncé and stick to it. You CAN be healed from your Beyoncé obsession. Remission is possible; put on your Freakum Dress, your Halo, and erect a Partition between you and Queen Bey, at least for a while.

            Sincerely,

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): That neck rash is starting to get really apparent, but if you start now, you could convince people that you’re just wearing scarves and turtlenecks as a fashion statement.

Pisces (February 19-March 20): Show people what you’re made of: start handing out blood samples and copies of your x-rays.

Aries (March 21-April 19): Every time you sneeze, a kitten dies- whether you want to try to avoid it or not is up to you.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): For this next emotional blow, eating one measly sandwich isn’t going to be enough to make you feel better. You’re going to have to completely cover yourself in peanut butter and jelly.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): Doing at least eight somersaults a day strengthens your immunity to tumors. Keep in mind that the placebo effect has been proven.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Remember, your ego is not your amigo. When you start to become too full of yourself, just think about how much cooler Clint Eastwood is than you.

Leo (July 23-August 22): Later this week you will meet a hypnotist who will cause you to start a completely new life. Since you won’t remember any of it, it’s advised that you just go with it.

Virgo (August 23-September 22): Don’t look now, but the guy behind you has been stalking you for a few days now.

Libra (September 23-October 22): You may think that becoming a school teacher is the perfect career choice for you, but trust me, you shouldn’t have any influence on children’s minds.

 Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Exercise is good for your health, good food is good for your soul, and less revealing shorts are good for others’ impression of you.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): We’ve all had those emergency situations late at night. Look into purchasing a chamber pot.

1. Mail it. As long as there is an address and a stamp on it, no packaging is required.

2. Use it as a battery! If you insert two galvanized nails into a potato and wire them to the battery ports of a small voltage LED clock, you can power it for quite a while.

3. When you are heading to the next Packer game, stick a potato in the microwave before you go. Wrap it in tinfoil, and use it as a hand warmer.

4. Play tennis with it. When it hits the racket-boom! Instant French fries.

It is a very sensitive topic and very controversial: the question of whether or not abortion should be legal. The two points of views are separated into pro life and pro choice. The question is, is it really our choice? Each year, abortion kills as many Americans as have been killed on all battlefields in all of the wars in U.S. history combined. Over 53 million abortions have been performed in the U.S. since 1973.

In order to come to a conclusion on this difficult topic the common misconception that a fetus isn’t a baby before a certain point needs to be obliterated. The most common stage in which the fetus is aborted is about eight to nine weeks after conception. At this point, the baby already has eyelids, and is able to move.

 Many people argue that making abortion illegal would lead to many more back alley abortions, which could be extremely dangerous. Although this would be inevitable, illegality would significantly decrease the amount of abortions. Statistics show that 1% of abortions are performed after of rape or incest, 1% due to fetal abnormalities, 3% as a result of concern for the mother’s health, and 95% are performed out of convenience.