#foreverfreenbecky

-Sometime in the Future-

The leaves were rustling and tumbling over each other on the blanket of greens and yellows, the scent markers avid with dawn of the equinox, the tinge of fiery reds eminent in the overhang. The season was already showing signs of the beginning of the end but there she still was, sat on her front porch, looking out into the hibernating world. For five years, it had been hibernating… Five long insufferable years, filled with longing, yearning, and emptiness. For so long, she held on to the hope that there would still be another chance, an opportunity to make things right, a break in the stunt, or a redemption from the solitude.

She could still recall the last minutes, the fleeting moment, the pain – the excruciating grief, the tears, and the last goodbye before the actual fall. The recollection was as vivid as the day itself, no shield from the hurt, still inevitable in the way it came crashing down. For five years, she relived that moment over and over, every hour that dusk rolled by. She would convene herself on the same seat - blanket across her lap, a cup of jasmine tea in hand, thoughts in normalized disarray- and just allow the emotions to flood in.

There was an insincere calm that came with the chaos. First, memories would crash-in of the time when things were happier. The smiles, the dates, the late night talks, the stargazing moments, the promises, the sweet-nothings, the laughs, the hyper-awareness, the water colors, the teasing, the succumbing, the holding-back and then giving-in, the kisses, the touches, the skin-on-skins, the hugs, the warmth, the comfort, the scents, the breaths… the LOVE. All these came tumbling down as soon as the flood gates were released. She’d let them. It was the only way she could feel again. For those few minutes of seclusion, she would allow herself to relive it all and let it seep to revitalize her bones. This was the daily ‘bend before the break’… The instant where the grays showed other hues and she felt perpetual again.

“Babe? I’ll be here. You’ve got me. You know that, right?”

She recalled the cascade of emotions that overtook her the moment she heard those words, coming from the only mouth she could ever want them from. Those sakura lips were her life-force, her only means of survival in the world full of pandemonium. That voice was her voice of reason- the silencer to the unruliness of their day-to-day. Five years ago – and to present – she hadn’t a clue how she would go through every day without hearing that sweet influence. Up to date, her mind still processed that voice, still kept her promise to take the conversations to heart. Pain ensued in her chest where her heart lay, and she let it. Clutching at an imaginary handhold as tears threatened to fall, she moved onto another memory.

“Can you come over? Or should I just make my way to you?... You know what? Pick me up, please?”

Her mind’s eye reread the words and she remembered getting in her car, driving like crazy with one destination in mind. She overlooked the rain, the slippery street, the honks and beeps of traffic as she sped towards her terminus. All she knew at the time was that she needed to be in those arms, just as urgently as their owner needed her to be. She recapped exactly how that night went. As soon as the door was opened to allow her entry into more than just the room, she was enveloped into the warmest embrace. She remembered the whispers of gratitude as the strong arms weaved her into more than just body against her. She felt her heart soar and melt at the same time – melt in to what felt like home. There was no need to move, no need to speak, no need to mind, no need to do anything else but be in each other’s arms… and for that night, they stayed in. There was no rush in those moments, no race to finish anything that they started - there was just them, in the quiet of a room, their thoughts on full display for each other’s regard. Serene touches and sighs, beauty and grace, time and focus, unparalleled devotion were the courters of that night. And, these were welcomed with ardor.

”How could you, Babe? What does this mean for us?” Silent tears drowned the conversation until the silence was broken with the sweetest let down, “I’ll always love you, Babe. But, I can't... I'm sorry..."

The bitterest I love you she’d ever heard was that one right there. It felt like her world came crashing down on her that night, and every night since then. She saw the tortured look of love and betrayal on the face of the only person who had stuck by her through thick and thin. Suddenly, her voice of reason had ran out of reasons – reasons to fight for her, for them –and that’s when she knew that it was over. The sudden emptiness that masked those eyes that she loved, the coldness that radiated from the body she once burned to touch, the brusqueness of the rejection that arose – she felt it all smack her in the middle of her chest. Her heart fell and shattered, and she failed to find herself any excuses to save it from the instant break. ‘Coz she knew she hurt the one she gave it to and there was no greater pain than to see the hurt mirrored at her.

She scoffed and squeezed her eyes tightly shut as tears fell freely at the memory - eyes that had grown tired, but never ran out of sorrow. The sobs racked her body, making her hunch in on herself to pacify the sudden tear she felt in her battered heart. Because, until today, she still felt the ache, she still mourned her loss, she still loved the ghost of her derelict lover. She remembered the incalculable emotions that ran across the face of the one that once was so certain of her – the one that traumatized her the most was the look of agonized love. She couldn’t unsee that but what frustrated her the most was that she chose to walk away without letting herself explain... She was a coward! She was the biggest fool! She shouldn’t have! She shouldn’t have listened to that goodbye and held on. She would have… if she’d only known that it was going to be the last time.

               That was it. That one mistake was what cost her everything. The cross she bore for the past five years was born of that infuriating moment when she chose her pride over the love she had. In the snap of an instant, the click of a button, the turn of a head, and the blink of an eye, it was all gone. And it took her heart with it. The one thing that kept her together was the one thing that fell her. And, woe to her, she knew that it was all her fault. She let the tears fall freely now – crying in the way a forsaken soul would – cascades of lamented water soaking the blanket that was now pulled up to her chin. She bawled and she broke down, like yesterday, like the past months, like the last five years since that fateful day.

“Off to somewhere new... Time to heal.

 But, I’ll always love you…”

The last story she read before the radio silence. The last message to her, broadcasted for all to see. It haunted her and scarred her deeply. She saw and felt the remorse in those words, but also the exigency to leave. She felt the defeat wash over her. She pulled herself away and watched herself crumble and rupture, but she did nothing else to quell the decided.

               For months on end, she fell into a monotonous existence, only doing the bare minimum to survive. She lost time, she lost connections, and she lost herself. But nothing could compare to what she actually lost inside. She still kept on until hope reared its head. Deep within, she hoped - maybe, one day, she’d be given the chance… maybe one day, she’d be able to make things right. Maybe, one day, her love would come back… But, for now, she allowed herself these precious moments. The moments to reminisce and drown her system with actual feelings. She lived for these advent moments where she discovered exactly how much she felt, loved and lost.

               She basked in the ambience. Her lachrymose disposition slowly subsiding as she stared off into the last rays of the sunlight over the horizon. She wiped her tears, gearing up to head inside and resume her morose life.

“Hello? Anyone home?”

Her heart leaped at the voice. It was the voice from her thoughts… the voice she would never forget. The voice that brought a torrent of emotions with it. Her brain seared in anguish, threatening to explode at the seeming reality of that familiar timber. She refused to look for a moment, fear eminent in her chest to find nothing but the phantom of her memory, but her curiosity broke loose and made her turn towards the source of the dulcet voice. And there, time stopped – eyes, nose, lips, hair, smile, and regard… there was Love! She failed at words at first, exasperated joy and pain overcoming her. She stood slowly, air and strength refusing to support her. The speaker walked towards her, climbing the two steps to reach her on the porch, reaching for her hands with sincerity and adoration, familiarity engraved in her sights. When contact was made, calmness ensued…