#forever19

As I read through these posts trying to relate to one, I see that most of them are so angry. I remember when I was a younger teenager and anytime I wanted to end it, it was when I was the most angry. For years I haven't thought about ending my own life until about a month ago. Now it's all I think. My coworkers son killed himself, and at work a grievance guy had said that people who end it don't think about what happens afterwards. They do it impulsively. I sat there and couldn't help but feel guilty. Over the past month I have tried to get things in order just in case. I want my sister to figure out where she's going to school. I want my brother to stay in sports and spend quality time with our sister. I want my dad to know how sorry I am for everything and that despite it all, I love him and look up to him as such a strong role model. I wished my grandmother a Happy Mother's day even though we don't talk because it's not healthy. I am making sure my cats are taken care of. That school isn't automatically coming from my account. That Im not leaving the ones I love without helping them move on. Ive written letters, made/making videos, writing my own obituary, setting up what I want done after Im gone and where to spread me. Im not mad at anyone, Im sad. I wish I could finish school, I wish I could travel to France like I always wanted, I wish I could see my sister graduate, I wish I could see what my brother becomes. Though my siblings are the most important people in my life, I don't ever want them to think they could've changed anything. I don't want them thinking they weren't good enough for me to stay. About a week ago I saw a video on TikTok (Im addicted) and it was of a woman talking about *sewerslide*. She was basically saying that people who die by *sewerslide* are at peace with God like anyone else. I broke down sobbing because that was the biggest thing that scared me. I was worried He would not forgive me for what I am wanting to do. Though I know she does not know everything, it reassured me because nobody ever says that. I can't give a dead set reason as to why I want to end things. It's just everything built up. I self sabotage everything, my brain never shuts down, I over-exhaust every scenario I can think of, Im just a sad person who gets so trained by just smiling. I want to laugh, I try to laugh when I tell stories but I can't. It's like a anchor inside of me that's pulling my laughter down. Don't get me wrong, I am happy a lot. Happiness doesn't keep bad things away though. I know there's tons of universes out there where I am in the same bed, with the same blankets, maybe just different curtains. Maybe there's other me's who can make it. This one can't. Ive accepted that. Im not angry or scared. Im being more and more okay with it. God knows what's happening. It'll be okay:)