#for ur

for all the time that tsukishima spends tiptoeing around the harder, defining conversations that should come with his setup with hinata . . . he feels vindicated by the realization that hinata has avoided the same conversations. playing the game of evasion invites the danger of oversimplification — but . . . at least, they do converse.their language is the moments : 

the moments where feet tangle on the couch or when hinata has seen tsukishima when he’s lost track of his being / his brain / his ____ ??  there are moments like bursts of sporadic honesty where they are so close together at the kitchen counter & they play tag-along adventures for take-out dinner. they converse through time spent together & eventually through behaviors that threaten to become habitual. things like ? a) tsukishima puts his hand atop hinata’s head. it starts like a tease & then his fingers curl to stroke a strand of hair  b. hinata laughs when he learns that he can press a finger ( or his nose when he’s particularly tired ) near tsukishima’s collarbone & make tsukishima jolt a meter in the air. he gets ticklish. c) they fall asleep working in tsukishima’s room because he washes his sheets more often than hinata does. the two of them usually discredit that particular behavior as an accident, but  — 

the habits they have are bookmarks for unfinished conversations —

tsukishima was never a person for dating apps ( tinder, grindr, the like ). but he had downloaded them & never set up a profile & he liked having the option . . . even if he never took it.

the apps feel bizarre on his phone. it’s always felt bizarre, but 

tsukishima deletes the apps. he doesn’t like thinking about them or about why they feel bizarre. he doesn’t like running through conversations & questions & uncertainties in his mind about what he owes hinata (if anything) & what hinata owes him ( if anything). 

tsukishima checks instagram in the middle of his second coffee break of the day; he sees hinata story from a team gathering that’s structured like a party, though it’s somewhat work related. hinata’s always laughing in his stories / pictures. 

it reminds tsukishima that hinata is charismatic. it reminds tsukishima that hinata’s smile could make one hundred people want to kiss him . . . tsukishima included. it’s annoying, but true. 

out of sheer pride, tsukishima tells himself that it doesn’t matter, that he could distance himself from hinsta if he wanted to. & out of sheer self-depreciation, tsukishima reminds himself that he can sometimes be a liar. 

whatever. 

still he informs hinata that he’s easy to read, that hinata wears his heart on his sleeve —- even while tsukishima can’t predict what opinions hinata might have on  . . . them. the harder conversations; the defining conversations ? 

two weeks ago, tsukishima pinned a wedding invite to the refrigerator. his cousin is getting married on september 17, & tsukishima is trying to fend off reminders from his mother that he needs to buy a wedding gift —- & reminders that he needs to rsvp because avoiding the wedding altogether would be far too easy. his mother calls him & reminds him & he tells her that he’s got a good memory & she reminds him that if he isn’t careful, her sister ( tsukishima’s aunt )  might try to set up tsukishima up with a coworker’s daughter. 

tsukishima spluttered into the phone & left hinata staring at the paper invitation on the fridge for two weeks. hinata thinks maybe he recognizes the bride’s name from something-or-another. tsukishima thinks hinata is probably making things up —- & also thinks hinata as a plus-one may not be a sufficient excuse against his aunt’s intent to play matchmaker. 

so he fiddles with his phone & thinks about texting a coworker he knows is engaged & muses aloud & 

hinata asks that.

what are we? 

. . . 

. . . 

tsukishima drops his phone in his lap, & he guesses that . . . maybe he should have predicted this.

as easy as hinata is to read & although they’ve both seemed comfortable to talk without talking . . . tsukishima has never known hinata to tiptoe around matters for long. 

‘ dunno. doesn’t matter. i’m comfortable with you. ‘ & with this answer tsukishima offers an answer, scratches something raw, & then tries to counter the matter with a shake of the head. ‘ if you don’t know, why would i know? ‘ 

it’s not something that tsukishima can just decide. but maybe he’s misspoken, so he picks up his phone & stares hard at its bluescreen.  ‘ when i say it doesn’t matter, i don’t mean it’s insignificant. ‘ he just means that he hasn’t thought he needed a definition.

which is odd, all things considered . . . because tsukishima hates uncertainty.

To my son, Alphonse

Alphonse,

I know there is nothing I can say to lessen your anger against me, nor would I even if there was something I could say.

Your anger against my leaving is justified in every way, both when I first left, and then again when I returned, only to leave again.

All I can offer you in an explanation of why I came back, to my, that is your house.

Your mother and I had an agreement when I left for the first time, that if my journey was not completed in ten years time, that I would come back to her. I had lost track of the years, and when I finally did return, she was overjoyed to see me.

The result of that home coming was your brother, but I could not have known, as I needed to get back to my travels, before it was too late. 

When I came home- When I came back to the place were your mother lived, I had not expected to find her dead, and, though I know I should not have, I raised my voice at you.

You were right to kick me out, Alphonse, you were right to demand I leave. After this letter, I promise not to contact you again.

I will finish my journey, and leave you and your brother in peace.

I leave Edward in your capable hands.