Iāve written this note a dozen of times. Maybe more. And every time Iāve refrained myself from posting it. Iāve written similar ones however, that I *do* have posted of me feeling like maybe I needed to stop writing. Of feeling like I wasnāt enough. A part of me knows those words had been met with increasing tiredness.
Or maybe not and this is just me and my very little concept of oneās self-worth. Who knows. Letās say itās a mix of the two of them. Point isā¦
Iām leaving the fandom. Well, not exactly. Iām going to stop writing. Yeah, thatās more fitting.
Writing is just as a part of who I am as having brown hair. Itās a part of me that itās always been there and probably always will no matter how many times I try to squash it and probably the reason why Iāve been putting it off for so long despite my feelings of not being adequate was just that: that I enjoy the concept of sitting in front of the screen and type and work on a story and rewrite itā¦ too much. But, at the same time, I feel like there is nothing else for me to give.
Or maybe what I can offer is not good enough. Still toying with both concepts. They are equally hard to swallow.
I realize that I still have things I want to write; collabs I want to start and finish and be excited about. I will finish those and enjoy them. I will answer to the prompts I have in my inbox and Iāll take part on this upcoming supernova. But after that itās doneā¦
I think I wonāt keep writing. At least thatās what I think now.Ā
There are a hundreds of reasons, both good and bad. Some are rooted in this tiny one that we all writers scream about: feedback. Others are rooted on my own twisted perception on how Iām not a good writer. Some others are written with the usual inky thoughts of: Iām not going to really be missed Xd
Will I stop writing for other fandoms? At the moment I donāt know. Iām going to finish what Iāve started with the prompts and things I have and thenā¦ Iāll let it play out.
Soā¦ yeah. This is not my letter of: Iām quitting now. This is me stating that itās only a matter of time, that I feel right now that itās a matter of time. I wish Iād been better in a way. Thatās a thought my mind has been hammering my skull for weeks now. Itās also telling, I think, that so many great writers I know appear to be suffering by different levels of block and burn out. But thatās another type of conversation that requires a far too lengthy explanation I wonāt enter into now.
Iām guessing this is my two-weeks notice. Even if itās not going to be two weeks. Itās going to at least be longer than that. At least until the supernova is finished. So yeah. Plenty of time to put my things in order. Maybe time to change my mind. Who knows. But, at the same time, I felt like I needed to put into words and in a post my actual feelings. Even if they are going to be met with a groan.
I guess, what Iām trying to say, is that business will remain as usual until the supernova is finished. And Iāll let my thoughts work themselves through -well, I will work on them- but I felt that posting this note would help in a way. Or at least put in context what Iām feeling right now as I try to find the āeurekaā moment I used to have every time I hit post in yet another story. Bottom line is: I will remain here. But I feel like giving myself at least the room to draw a line will help me. In a way.
