#for ryan

I can’t breathe. One, because my nose is stuffed. Two, because my lungs feel like I’m suffocating. Like trying to blow up a brand new beach ball and having the plastic stick together, feeling like you aren’t getting anywhere. My eyes hurt, despite not having cried today. In the last three days I’ve cried all I have, and all that is left is the feeling that I need to cry more but I can’t. So I sit here with the haunting feeling of your presence gone missing. I have to go see you tomorrow, and the idea makes me want to throw up. I can already feel my eyes getting heavy and my anxiety is so high that it’s almost non-existent. Everyone keeps telling me that they’re worried about me, that if I need anything they’re here for me. It’s all some huge joke. All of the apologies, this empathy. Like, I get it you’re sorry. I’m sorry too, but sorry doesn’t fix anything. I feel like I’m suffocating in my own body, but I don’t even want to die because we’d always talk about killing ourselves. How depressed we are and how life is meaningless. This time though.. this time you’re actually gone. The ironic thing is that it wasn’t even your fault, you didn’t even kill yourself. Which is great, but you’re still gone and I want to rip my hair out. I don’t want to do anything. I’ve barely drank in the last three days. I don’t want to leave my bed, I don’t want to shower, I don’t want to go to classes, I want to quit my job. Like, holy fuck. I just don’t feel like I can successfully be a person. I’m barely a fucking person here, man. You always knew that I was though. I found old text messages from you today. You told me that you were proud of me. You always told me that you were proud of me. And fuck I can’t remember if I ever told you or not, but I was proud of you too. The last time that we talked you were so happy. You got to go on a few dates and kiss that girl that you really liked. You were holding on for all of this time when you absolutely didn’t want to. You were the best person I could have ever had enter into my life. I’m completely destroyed. I’m trying to do this. I am. I’m trying really hard and I just want to thank you. Thank you so much for being my friend. For helping me when I was hurting. For always checking up on me. For helping me through my break up and was quite possibly the worst summer of my entire existence. Thank you for always being you. I love you dearly too.